Happenings...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.  I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I don't want to come across like I have been wallowing for the last month...I haven't.  However, I had a rough weekend.  I'm having an even rougher day, topped off by salt being rubbed in the wound a few times.  I will leave it at that.

THANKSGIVING:

We were able to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was a blast!  We spent the whole day cooking for an army.  I got to make the mashed potatoes and I went a little overboard.  Just because one has 20 lbs of potatoes doesn't mean one needs to cook all 20 lbs.  We slept for about two hours and then headed out for some Black Friday shopping at 3am.  Seriously, we are never going Black Friday shopping in Salt Lake City again!  The people of Longmont, CO are so much more tame and fewer in numbers.  It was an enjoyable shopping experience.  People were actually saying crazy things like, "excuse me" and "sorry, you were here first, go ahead".  We spent the next few days doing more shopping and playing games.  Then, we decided at the last minute to drive home early...I mean really early...at midnight.  We were watching the weather and there was anticipation of a huge storm.  It was the best decision ever.  We missed the storm completely and got home in record time and we did a great job of staying awake.  It was almost fun!

SCHOOL:

I have been busy wrapping up the semester.  I just had my one year HESI.  It's a comprehensive test that predicts how well you will do on the NCLEX.  You have to pass and it's almost impossible to study for.  I was VERY nervous.  I had been taking practice tests and doing really poor on them.  I had myself completely convinced I was going to fail and have to retake it.  Well, I passed!  I actually ended up doing quite well.  I was thrilled! I have finals next week and then a nice month long break.  I'm sure I will enjoy the break and it's much needed but I am looking forward to just getting on with the next semester (which I just found out will be crazy).  The sooner it starts, the sooner I will be done!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas came early to the Hall home.  I was able to hold Michael off until after Halloween at least.  He wanted to put the tree up right away.  We ended putting it up on November 8th, a week after Halloween...yes, a week.  I have always been a "not until after Thanksgiving" kind of girl.  Not this year, I guess.  I'm glad we did it so early.  We have been so busy that we probably still wouldn't have it up yet if we didn't do it then.

We love Christmas!  Michael and I are kind of weird.  We wrap our presents together.  Not presents for other people, presents for each other.  Of course we don't let each other see what we are wrapping but we literally wrap right next to each other.  Yesterday, Michael made a "fort" so the room was divided by a barrier so we couldn't see what the other was wrapping.  I wish I took a picture because now that I think about it, it was probably a funny sight.  I don't know why we do it this way, I guess we just like doing everything together.  I thought about wrapping presents on my own a few times but it's just not as fun as the "fort" and what is becoming a tradition in our house.

I will try to post pictures of our trip and other happenings soon.  Here is one...

A very poor picture of our decorated room.

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Just Haven't Met You Yet...

I was in the car yesterday and randomly turned on the radio, which is a rare thing.  Michael Buble's, Just Haven't Met You Yet, came on.  I've heard this song a few hundred times but for some reason, I was really intent on listening to the lyrics.  I started to cry as I applied the meaning to my life.  Here's why, give it a listen...

Continue in Patience...

So...I'm kind of obsessed with this talk Continue in Patience, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  It is the whole talk that is in the video I posted in the previous post.  I read it, or bits of it every night.  It is so applicable to my life right now and gives me strength and hope.  There is something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later.....Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

I know I will have children.  I'm working on being okay with it not being on my time.  If you have a minute, read it.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.

Thank You

Dear Danielle,

               

                I don’t even know where to start this letter, but it seems like the most important thing I have to say is that I love you. 

                I decided to write this letter because I want to publicly tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. 

Right now (Monday morning), we haven’t even told anyone that it didn’t work yet, but this is easily the worst day of my life so far, and I know it’s the same for you.  I wish more than anything I could have stopped you from having to experiencing it.  At the same time, selfishly, I’m glad that I’m sharing it with you.  I couldn’t survive this without you.  I will never forget the pain that we have gone through together this past year, but I will especially never forget the pain of this morning.  As we lay in bed and cried together for hours, I realized that I loved you more today than I have ever loved you before.  It made me think about all the people who say that you love your child more than you even thought you were capable of.  I’m sure that’s true, but today I felt a new kind of love too.  I often think about what our Urologist/Counselor said around a year ago about how this process will affect us.  I know you remember what he said too.  He said that this has the potential to make us so much stronger as a couple, but it also has the power to destroy us.  He cautioned us to be loving and caring of each other first, before any other emotion.  I wasn’t afraid for our relationship that day and I haven’t been afraid for it any day since then.  As sad as things have been, I only feel more and more in love with you each time we get bad news.

I am so proud of you.  Throughout this whole process, you have continually surprised me with your knowledge, love, and understanding.  You have never once made me feel guilty for the situation we are in; in fact you have done just the opposite.  I remember you telling me that as bad as our situation feels, you have never wished for it to be different.  You have supported me every step of the way.  You are the best person I know.  I know that sounds like I’m generalizing or being dramatic, but you truly are. 

This morning when we found out that we didn’t get pregnant, my first feeling was that I needed to protect you.  Your hands were shaking and I know you could barely breathe.  For a few moments, all I could think about was the pain that you were feeling.  I only remember the feelings of being protective of you.  I wanted to stop whatever it was that was causing this pain.  I felt like that little test in your shaking hands was injuring you in such a deep way.  But then I started feeling like it was me that was the source of all the pain.  The sadness and disappointment of not being pregnant didn’t really set in for a few more minutes.  I felt like I disappointed you, but I know you would get mad at me for saying that.  I know this isn’t fair, but I feel like it is especially unfair to you.  I can’t begin to explain how sorry I am that this didn’t work.  Even though I have said it a million times, I don’t ever think I can say it enough, I love you.

Also, I want to say thank you for writing this amazing record of our journey this year.  I truly believe that this blog has touched hundreds of people’s lives.  I know it hasn’t always been easy to keep up on it but you have done an incredible job. I now know that there are several people out there who are going through the same kinds of situations and experiencing the same feelings that we are because of this blog.  It is amazing to me to hear of all the prayers, love, and hope that people have for us.  I know you have also brought our life and what we are dealing with into so many other people’s lives.  I know you have also educated so many people about infertility in general, which is a very good thing.

I’m sorry, Copper, that we are right here instead of the position we wish we were in, but thank you for being here with me.  I love you with all my heart, and I will continue to love you.

Michael

To Everyone Else,

I can’t even begin to thank everyone for all of the thoughts, prayers, tears, and emotions spent in our behalf by all the people who surround us.  I am so grateful for everyone’s support all year long.  I know I will not do this justice, but I would feel so ungrateful if I didn’t try.

First of all, thank you to everyone for reading this blog.  It has not only been therapeutic for us to be able to share our feelings, but it has also been a very fun way to communicate and become friends with other people in our situation.  Many people from far away have even started following what Danielle has to say, which is pretty neat for us.  I think people have appreciated the blog and we appreciate you reading it.

Both Danielle and I have very close friends from our work and school who have been so supportive and understanding of us and our situation right now.  We feel like it is unfair to just call you our work or school friends, because you are some of the closest friends we have.  Thanks for loving us (and covering for us as we missed so much work these past few weeks.)

                 We received so many text messages, phone messages, Facebook messages, flowers sent to our house, and much more from our family, friends and neighbors.  We do appreciate all of the kindness and love you have given us.

I feel like I even need to thank the Dr.s and nurses who have helped us every step of the way.  They did their job, but they did it perfectly with an amazing amount of individual care and compassion.  Our Dr. has even called us at home several times to make sure we are doing okay.  Thank you for being great.

We have amazing friends.  We have friends who are so close they feel like family and family so close that they feel more like great friends (I hope that makes sense).  Thank you so much.

Van and Michelle, Mom and Dad…all of our family, we love you.  Thank you for always being there for us and for everything else…and then some.

-Michael Hall

Negative...

Forgive me if this is all over the place.  I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down.  How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time?  I feel angry.  At who?  I don't know but I want someone or something to blame.  I'm definitely in denial.  I don't believe it yet.  I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work.  I do not accept it.  I keep searching for a way to make it right.  This was supposed to work, it had to work.  There was not a reason why it should not have.  I feel lost.  So, so lost.  This was our life for an entire year.  We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated.  We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement.  We saved up our money to have a baby.  I'm lost because I don't where to go from here.  What is next?  There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out.  I had plans, I was prepared for what was next.  I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news.  I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward.  I don't know where to go or what to do?  Somebody help me.  I feel like fool.  I feel foolish and like I've been tricked.  I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work.  That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless.  I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't.  I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic.  Should I not have been?  We were told we had no reason not be optimistic.  This was perfect.  Our embryos were perfect.  I'm healthy.  Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs.  Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary.  Why?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  What?  Have I not suffered enough?  I pleaded with God not to let this happen.  I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear.  They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.  Right now, I don't believe that.  I don't feel like I will survive this.  I feel like my body let me down.  I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens.  So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work.  I'm numb.  I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up.  I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out.  I'm not ready to deal with the real pain.  I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me.  Oh, Michael.  I wish I could take it all away from him.  I know he still feels responsible for all this.  He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me.  My heart has never hurt so bad.  Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew.  I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true.  I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment.  I didn't want him to feel responsible.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to say  sorry.  He does not.  Neither of us did but we both kept saying it.  I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning.  I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test.  Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight.  I couldn't look at it.  I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes.  Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone.  I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line.  I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no.  This cannot be happening!  This is not real.  It's just another dream.  A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week.  Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too.  Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins.  Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again.  I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative.  Not a hint of line.  We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test.  The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did.  Lots of people do.  We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out.  If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing.  Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other.  No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news.  I'm glad I am with him today.  I can't even be out of the same room as him right now.  I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked.  I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate.  I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different.  That almost never happens.  Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all.  I know in my heart I am not one of those people.  The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine.  I hate this.  I feel ill.  Deep down I feel like I knew this.  It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason.  I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown.  I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around.  I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart.  We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for.  I never did.  I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer.  I knew what it meant.  I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative?  I want to go back there.  I want to go back to having that hope again.  It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth.  I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved.  It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line.  We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix.  This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative.  This is devastation defined.  How can a heart so broken still be beating?  The human body really is amazing.  I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now.  Where do we go from here? I don't know.  On vacation?  Do we try again now?  Do we try again at all?  Do we learn to live childless?  I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle.  How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again?  This was supposed to be perfect.  My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby).  I feel like I lost a life.  Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents.  We were ready, we are ready.  I don't know what this life is.  This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us.  I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to.  I guess I could go on and on.  I'm feeling too much.  Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless.  I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is.  I'm broken and I need to be fixed.  Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant.  It would not be what I was expecting to hear.  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's now 2pm.  We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process.  They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate.  They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative.  I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer.  We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news.  No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say.  All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us.  I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.

One Word...

...Negative.  How can a heart this broken still be beating?

Still Just Waiting...

If I ever had doubts about being so public and forthcoming with our infertility, they have been put to rest these past few days.  I am overwhelmed by the prayers and support of family, friends, acquaintances, and honestly, people I barely know or don't know at all.  When I was on bed rest, I felt great.  I was glowing.  I woke-up every morning hopeful and full of the knowledge that I was a little "pregnant".  Since getting back to life and my routine, something has changed.  I am trying so hard to stay positive and stay faithful but honestly, I'm terrified right now.  I hate that I wake-up every morning with the thought that it might be all over.  I cry several times a day, maybe for a good reason, maybe not.  One minute I know I'm pregnant, the next, I'm asking myself why this didn't work.  And, the only thing that keeps me going is Michael and the fact the so many people, near and far, are rooting for us.  I have been moved to tears (not hard to do right now) with the outpouring of prayers, encouragement, and support that we have received.  Some of my favorites...I hope they don't mind me sharing:


Dear Danielle
Just a quick not to let you know how much I have been praying for you the last few months. I woke up early this morning and began my fast and began to pray - as I was praying, I was overcome with the thought that not only was I praying for you and Michael, I was actually praying for a little life. That was huge....and brings it tears to my eyes. Please know how much I am touched by your faith and your determination. I have watched you grow up into this intelligent, beautiful and precious young woman. I know there are beautiful blessings in store for you and I count it an honor to be praying for you, Michael & YOUR little one.

Much love

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A list of my wishes

1.) My wish, for her, is comfort and peace. She is so brave. Far braver that I could ever be. She has faced something so difficult. Selfishly, I don't think I could have done it... and yet, she did it... does it selflessly. I cannot give her assurance. I wish, though, for her to find comfort and for her to find peace, somewhere, in this scary time of "What If".

2.) My wish, for him, is to know. To know how much I love him. To know how much I value his friendship. To know that shooting zombies is one of the best memories I have. To know that my life is a better place with him in it. To know that I admire him for the husband he is and the father he will be. To know that my heart breaks every time his does. To know that he is one of the greatest men I know... and one of the best frieds I have.

3.) My wish, for them, is happiness. They have earned it. They deserve it. And, I want it for them so bad. If I could do anything to help I would. I hope they know that.

~In the book that is my memory, on the page that begins the chapter of the day I met you [both], appear the words 'Here begins a new life.'

xoxoxox ~ I love you both!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love it when people tell me this is going to work.  I know they don't really know it will but I believe them with all my heart and that is all I have right now.  It fuels my good moments.  Right now, I believe this will work.  I am too scared to take any more pregnancy tests (I took a couple to see if the trigger was out of my system...it is).  I have seen far too many single lines in the last couple years to want to even go near them again.  


I have faith in my Heavenly Father (whom I speak with many times a day) that he will bless us.  We have become so close and I know he hears my prayers.  I have promised to take good care of the child He sends us, His child.  I ache for the opportunity.  For now, I'm still waiting.

Motherhood...

                           ....I just hope I get the opportunity.

Thinking Positive Thoughts...

I'm desperately trying to fight the fear that is threatening to surface and overtake me.  I have been nothing but positive this whole time but I had horrible dreams last night and I foolishly think I should at least feel different if I'm pregnant.  I know, it's stupid.  Every time I have a negative thought, I try to think of something positive or something I'm grateful for.  I am grateful for this entire experience, regardless of the outcome.  What a miraculous thing.  I was able to witness the creation of human life in its earliest stages.  And, if successful, that life will be the one of my child.  It was the first time I fully and deeply understood not the just the process, but also the possibilities, of IVF.  For now, I'm just laying here, just breathing.

First Baby Picture...

Our babies' first picture!  The one on the bottom is a high quality blastocyst and the top one is a even higher quality early blastocyst.  I love them...is that weird?

Snowbabies...

I awoke yesterday morning to find two missed calls from the embryologist!  Aaaahhh!  I hurried and told Michael to come upstairs while I called him back.  He quickly gave me the news that out of the 3, two of them didn't make it and the one that was left made it to the blast stage but was very poor quality.  He gave us the option to freeze it but said that if it survived the thaw, there is only a 5% chance it would result in a pregnancy.  He was obviously trying to emphasize the fact that freezing it would not be his recommendation.  We asked if we could call him back but we knew the clock was ticking.  We talked about all the different reasons to freeze or not to freeze and made a decision and said a quick prayer.  We decided not to freeze it.  We would rather put the $3500 and the hope toward a fresh cycle, in which we have a 70% chance of a pregnancy.  We are kind of sad and had lots of hope for something to freeze, until the day of the transfer...I knew that the likelihood of having any to freeze was slim.  I am still confident we won't need the frozen embies this time but it would have been nice.

Except for going to the bathroom, I have been laying down the last couple of days.  I just lay here, willing these babies to snuggle in tight.  I feel so close to Michael and I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work, but I won't be able to bear facing him.  I want this more for him than I do for myself.  I can handle my own pain but I have a really hard time watching people I love suffer.  I don't think this will happen but moments of terror enter my mind once in a while.  Not very many women get to experience this exact part of pregnancy.  Some can suspect at this point, that they have something growing inside them but I know they are there and it makes me ferociously protective of them.  I'm already rubbing my belly, talking to them and telling them how much I want them.  I'll just be praying as I relax the next few days and hopefully I can get back to life, to keep my mind off all the possibilities.

Hardest Transfer of the Year Award...

The RE actually said that!  Haha!  I am really glad I can laugh about it. My transfer took an 1.5 hours! I had 2 RE's try to thread the catheter (they don't usually use ultrasound guidance at my clinic) and then they pulled out the ultrasound. My trial transfer was easy, breezy but it turns out since my ovaries are so big still, it displaced my uterus all the way to my left side and it kind of folded over itself! They had all the residents come in to watch because "they haven't seen this difficult of a transfer before". Glad I could be a learning tool. They made me fill my bladder to use the ultrasound and that was the worst part! I felt like I was going to pee all over everyone!

My embies that they transferred were perfect blastocysts, no hatching yet. One of the embies didn't make it to today. Of the three left, 2 were early blasts and the other was at the morula stage still. They will call me tomorrow to let me know if they were able to freeze them. Fingers crossed but I'm not holding my breath. Overall, I was really happy and I am officially P.U.P.O.!  PUPO is a term that means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  They gave us a little card with a picture of the embryos that said something to the effect, "thank you for choosing us".  I've tried to post it but it's been difficult...I will later.

They reassured me that the difficulty placing the catheter had no bearing on the success. They even joked that since my uterus is folded, the babies can't fall out! They told me I still have a 70% chance of getting pregnant and 35% of twins...yikes.  I am flat in bed all day today, same tomorrow, and resting for the next three days after that.  Oh gosh, I hope this works.  

Not-So-Wordless-Wednesday...

I have been wanting to post an update all day but I had school in the morning, ripping my fingernails off in the afternoon, and then work this evening.  Oh!  I was ripping my fingernails off (it's okay, they were too long anyway) because I was waiting for the embryologist to call me this morning, which ended up not being in the morning, it was afternoon by the time he called.  I couldn't concentrate in class, I was staring at my phone, willing it to ring.  I have been in few situations in my life where nothing matters but that phone call and really, it should be a form of torture.  Then, it finally rings or you get a text and it's someone else (memo: I will call you Mom when I have news), baaaah!

Michael and I placed bets on how many embies we thought made it through the last couple of days.  Neither of us thought it would be more than four and we would be nervous but fine with that.  Well, all 6 are still "dividing beautifully"!  They are all 8-cells which is right where they should be.  What?!  I was so happy.  I'm praying tomorrow that they are all blastocysts (very important) and hatching out of their shells.  Yes, they actually have to hatch before they can implant.  The embryologist gave me instructions to arrive tomorrow at 9:30am and the RE will go over the procedure (they thread a catheter containing the best two embies through my cervix and place it 2cm from the fundus of my uterus), the grading of the embies (important for choosing the best two), and what to do after (stay in bed!).  The best part about tomorrow, other than the fact I get my embabies put back in me...Valium!  Finally, something forcing me to relax!  I have to say I am quite proud of myself for being so calm up to this point.  I thought I would be clinical by now.  I was anxious this morning before getting the phone call but I am fine now.  I know my demeanor is because of all the prayers.  It's definitely not in my nature to be calm about most things (I'm my mother's daughter after all...just kidding mom!).  I tend to freak out about things that have not happened yet.

I'm hoping that I've developed nerves of steel in the last couple of weeks because the next few weeks, until we find out if I really am pregnant, are going to be the hardest, most agonizing weeks of my life.  There is too much damage that can be done with a girl, her embies, and her brain.  Too many thoughts.  No, no, only positive thoughts here.  I can wait until I'm PUPO (more on that....stay tuned)!

A hatching blastocyst

After tomorrow, this is what I will be imagining my little embies doing.  Implantation.

Fert Report...

What an exhausting 48 hours!  I didn't sleep much last night because I knew sometime this morning we would be getting the call to tell us how everything was progressing.  Anything can happen and that terrifies me!  At 8am exactly I got the call from the embryologist.  I'm sure he thought I was a weirdo because I was hyperventilating and begging him to give me good news.  He relayed the news that out of the 9 retrieved, 6 eggs were mature, all 6 fertilized normally, and all 6 were "dividing beautifully".  He said it will definitely be a 5 day transfer which is fantastic news!  They will call back on Wednesday when they open the incubator again and give me another update of how my babies are growing and give me instructions about our Thursday transfer.

It's a funny feeling knowing we (along with a team of fertility specialists) may have just conceived our entire family and I already feel kind of like a protective mama bear.  I want all my 6 embies to make it, to have a shot.  I feel very strong today and I KNOW this is going to work.  I just have to survive until Thursday.  I'm going to try to keep myself busy with studying and getting things ready to be in bed in for 5 days.  And of course, I will keep praying.

This is what all 6 look like today.  4-cell embies.  They should be 8-cells by Wednesday!

Precious Sunday...

I had a great Sunday today.  One of the best ever.  I cannot say too much how much I believe in the power prayer and fasting.  I feel so strengthen and supported by all the people who have remembered us in our prayers and taken time out their lives to email or call and see how we are doing and wish us well.  We had a special fast today and the power that comes from that is heavenly.  The Lord is in charge.  It's in His hands now and all we can do from now until the transfer and then the test, is pray and have faith.  It's a much harder concept than I'd like to admit.  I like to be in control and I'm not.  But, I'm willing to trust in the Lord and let his will be done.

I'm doing much better today than I was yesterday.  I know this is going to work.  It just has to.  I have felt for a long time now that it is going to work and only 9 eggs shouldn't change that.  I was just told of two women I know who both got pregnant with IVF, one only had 3 eggs retrieved (twins) and the other, 7 eggs (triplets and a singleton!).  They both even had embies to freeze.  I know our embryos are going to survive long enough to be placed back where they belong.  We want this so much but right now...we wait.  What a test of faith.  Just because things didn't go quite as planned, just because things got a little hard, doesn't mean it won't work.  I bore my testimony in Relief Society today after I resisted the urge in sacrament.  I was so overcome by gratitude to my Heavenly Father, I could not speak.  I know He knows me and knows my heart's desire and I am so grateful for the atonement because this process can be so lonely and I know my Savior has suffered right along with me.

Retrieval...

Woke-up very early this morning and got ready to head to the clinic. We arrived 10 mins early which I was happy about because we are not exactly always on time for things.  Michael started to feel sick because he took his antibiotic on an empty stomach (silly boy) and they were very nice and made him oatmeal. They took me back to change and start my IV.

Michael was not allowed to come in with me which surprised me because we were told by my friend her hubby was there the whole time.  He was able to be with me when I woke-up though. They had to give me more medicine at first because I could feel everything.  I knew they would because every time I have that kind of anesthesia, it's never enough.  It really hurt.

Now, about my follies. I started to cry when I woke-up because the first thing I asked Michael was how many eggs were retrieved. He told me 9. NINE? I thought he was joking. I had 22 follicles! I had to ask him several times if he was not joking. The nurse came back in because my blood pressure was up due to being so upset. She told me I should not be upset because their average number of eggs retrieved is 6. The RE was not going to come back in but the nurse said she's have her come talk to me since I was so upset. I just had no idea what could have happened when I had 22 good sized follies?  I certainly wasn't prepared for the possibility of having no eggs in the follicles.

The RE came in a was little surprised I was upset because she was very pleased with the results.  I asked what happened to all the other eggs when I had so many follies. She said that a lot of the time the bigger ones will start to deteriorate when the smaller ones catch-up.  I implied that maybe it was mistake to go the extra day and she said that if we retrieved the day before I probably would have more eggs but they would not have been mature.  Quality over quantity in this case.  I gave her examples of my two friends who had over 20 eggs retrieved and one ended up with two great embies to transfer and 16 frozen embies and the other ended with nothing to freeze and two, not so great embies to transfer. Both got pregnant but both very different. She said I was probably somewhere in the middle of them and reassured me that my chances of getting pregnant are still the same today as they were this morning, yesterday, and the day before. She guessed that with my E2 level, there was a good chance that they would all be mature and still had a good chance there would be a few to freeze...just a guess though.

I still have no idea what happened even after she explained everything to me. I had NO idea that having no eggs in the follies was possible. I expected to have the 22 eggs and be told on Monday that only a percentage were mature and a percentage of those fertilized normally. I just feel blindsided and I'm kind of sad.  I won't know anything about anything until Monday and the worst part of this whole process begins....waiting.


58 needles...stared Progesterone today.  

This is what's going on right now with our eggs.  That needle is the 1/10 the size of a human hair.

Day 12: Stims, Ultrasound, Trigger...Oh, My!...

So, yesterday we went for my ultrasound and oh, boy...did I grow!  I still have 22 follies but 14 of them were over 17mm, 4 of them were 15-16mm, and 4 were 11-14mm.  That is crazy growth from the day before.  My doctor said she was going to wait until my E2 levels came back but she was positive the trigger was going to be that night.  My E2 levels came back at 2888 which is beyond perfect (it should double every 48 hours) and the nurse gave me instructions to trigger last night!  She said I was going to trigger at exactly 8pm and that I was to have nothing to eat after midnight on Friday.  I am also to start the antibiotic Friday night and Michael should take his last on Saturday morning.  My retrieval is set for Saturday morning at 8am and we need to show up at 7:30am.  I will be given an IV and sign paperwork and Michael will umm...do his business.  We are out of our minds excited today.  Work has been pretty tough for Michael lately and he called me on his way home, after I told him we were trigger last night, and his voice was so different.  He was still tired but I could tell he was so happy that this is actually happening.


We got everything ready for the trigger shot and just waited until the clock said 8pm exactly.  I was so nervous.  Michael has never given a shot like that before and it is not fun to think about a gigantic needle being shoved into your hip.  I, personally, hate giving those kinds of shots because I am always afraid I'm going to hit bone even though that is very difficult to do, but still...I was not excited even knowing I knew that anticipation was much worse than it was actually going to be.  He counted to three and it was over.  The HcG stung a little going in but it was not bad at all and I barely felt the needle.  I have been told that it gets worse though.  I start taking Progesterone the day of the retrieval and you eventually run out of places on your hip that are not sore after a couple weeks.

I feel like everything is falling into place.  We have all confidence in our doctors but this last week, we questioned whether they maybe have been too conservative with me since I am, as they say, still so "young".  We have said, "do they really know what they are doing?"  Well, they absolutely know what they are doing.  Going an extra day made me nervous because I felt like that was "not normal" but it was 100% the right decision.  I've got so much potential with these eggs and I am even starting to think that we might have a few good ones to freeze.  We just want to get one healthy baby but having embies to freeze would be gravy.
We are just excited that it is actually to this point in the process.  We get a call tomorrow letting us know how many eggs were retrieved, how many were mature, and how many fertilized and then it's just a waiting game with daily updates about how our embies are developing.  Oh, gosh...I'm getting anxious.  Prayers are welcome.

56 needles...

Day 10: Stims, U/S, No Trigger...

Day 10...I can't believe it! Yesterday's appointment was weird. I wasn't paying attention to the growth I had over the past day and left feeling very confused. I felt like I hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be forever until I was ready for retrieval. They had me order another days worth of meds (a precautionary $230) but when I went home to dose myself for the day I realized I had enough on one med to last me through Thursday. The injection pens have over-fill in them so I got a free dose and didn't have to pay for all of the meds. Pheww! I called the nurse to tell her this and also asked her to go over the numbers with since I left feeling confused. I actually had quite a growth spurt. I had 8 follicles over the 16mm range, 6 over the 11mm range, and 6 under 10mm.


Today.

I have 10 in the 16mm-22mm range, 6 in the 11mm-15mm range, and 6 still under 10mm. My RE said I had a 75% chance of triggering tonight but wanted to wait until the my E2 (estradiol, a form of estrogen) levels came back. My E2 level came back at 1800 which is good but the nurse said the doctor thinks I still have room to grow. I'm fine with that. One more day of growth is one more day of growth. She didn't have me order more meds so most likely my retrieval will be Saturday morning. This is good, I will not have to miss school or work next week since the transfer will be on Thursday instead of Wednesday. I go back again tomorrow morning for more blood work and another lovely ultrasound. I feel so bad for Michael. I've spent a week in his shoes having to drive the 30 miles to the U every morning and it totally blows. The traffic is horrible and the rising sun is blinding and it is SO early! I made our appointment for tomorrow a little later (8:30am instead of 7:45am) but Michael said with the time difference, the traffic is even worse so we will basically have to leave at the same time. Ugh.

Ahhhh! I'm getting super nervous. I hope my ovaries kick it into high gear!


Caution: Science ahead...ignore the information below if you don't care why the estrogen levels are so important.


Estradiol is a hormone that stimulates the lining of the uterus, causing the lining to grow, and to make itself ready for embryo arrival. (This is not estradiol's only function, but for us, it's the important one). Estradiol is tied into pregnancy by it's method of production: oocytes (eggs) contain follicles. These developing follicles contain 'granulosa cells'. These granulosa cells synthesize the estradiol and release it into the blood circulation.


 This means that more follicles produce more estradiol. This helps measure how many follicles are actively developing. The longer they continue to develop, the longer the estradiol level continues. As they develop, the level continues to rise. This rise can further indicate that the oocyte within the follicles is reaching its maturity.


 An example of the use of estradiol level is when it is measured during down-regulation cycles. In down-regulation we expect low levels of estradiol: below 30pg/ml. If levels are not this low, this suggests that the ovaries are not yet suppressed, and that the down-regulation should continue a little longer, until they actually are suppressed.


 Estradiol And Ultrasound Scans
Blood estradiol is also used in combination with ultrasound scans. Taken together they help indicate how (and if) the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Is there a response? Is it adequate? Is it excessive? To tell us this, the blood level has to be viewed in relation to the stage of pregnancy and the day in the cycle in which the level is being taken.

 For example, a level of 1500 pg/ml on day eleven might be considered acceptable in a stimulated cycle, as reflecting the presence of a reasonable number of mature follicles. However, if this level were present on day eight, it would be considered unacceptably high. It would almost certainly reflect the presence of an excess of follicles. At this stage (day eight) they would still be Immature ones. Their quantity, however, would suggest that continued stimulation would carry an unacceptable risk of developing OHSS-- ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

 Don't Expect Easy Comparison
Before we continue, one important point: levels of estradiol are not the same from person to person. They cannot simply be compared from one to another. People vary-- everyone is slightly different, and everyone responds to a different degree. Some more so than others. A level that is dangerously high in one person-- or dangerously low in a second-- might be normal and healthy for a third. This is why blood levels can't just simply be compared. It's also why blood levels can't always be interpreted with complete certainty in the first cycles. Without prior cycles to 'calibrate' the levels, the meaning of a level can only be determined as to what it usually means-- what it 'probably', or perhaps even 'almost certainly' means.

 Despite individual variation, estradiol level does provide very useful information.
 A Rough Rule-of-Thumb for Good Estradiol Levels.
Exact figures are not possible. As a rough guide, however, a level in the range of 150 to 500 pg/ml is generally considered reasonable for the eighth day of a stimulated cycle. An approximate doubling of this level every 48 hours is considered promising, as a sign of continued good follicle development.


48 needles! My belly gets a rest in a couple of days and then the butt gets all the abuse!

Day 8: Stims & Ultrasound

Quite of bit of growing in the last couple of days over here in the Hall house.  I went from 13 follicles to 20 follicles and from only 4 being over 10mm to 11 being over 12mm!  Yay!  I am very happy.  I found out today that they like to see a good number of the follies measuring 16mm or greater to be ready for retrieval but they again reassured me that I am right on track.  If I have as much growth in the next two days as I did from Saturday to today, I think I will be ready to trigger on Wednesday night.  The trigger is a shot of Hcg that ripens the follicles so they can retrieve them, exactly 36 hours after the shot.

The ultrasounds are getting really uncomfortable.  They aren't all sunshine and rainbows to begin with, but I was told my left ovary is twice the size of my right one and when they scan the left...OUCH!  Me no likey!  Okay, so fingers crossed and lots of prayers I will be ripe on Wednesday for retrieval on Friday!!

40 needles (I got an extra one yesterday since my fancy injection pen ran out of meds so I had to replace it and stick myself again), 37 days.

Day 6: Stims and Ultrasound

I guess we got good news today.  I'm not exactly sure what I expected from our ultrasound?  I knew and hoped that I wouldn't be ready for retrieval in the next day or two.  I knew that I would still have some cooking to do but I left our appointment today a little disappointed even though they said I was right on track.  So, my AFC was 15 (I said 16 before but I guess I remembered wrong).  Today they saw 13 follicles and they measure the follicles to see how mature they are.  Anything over 10mm is great.  Well, I had 4 that were over 10mm, 4 that were very close behind, and 5 that needs some catching-up.  Hmmm.

I admit I was really sad but they said I shouldn't be, I should be happy because I'm right within normal range for being on the stims for 5 days.  I still have about 5 days to go and I was told that others will probably pop up as well.  I asked a couple for fellow IVFers for a number comparison and they both only had 1 that was over 10mm at this point so I guess I'm doing okay.  I can't wait to go back on Monday, hopefully there will be a big change.

I'm starting to get anxious about all the variables in this process.  What if they don't get a lot of eggs? What if they are not mature?  What if they don't fertilize?  What if they don't continue to grow after they are fertilized?  There are so many major daily milestones.  I guess we just have to take it one day at a time.  I just want everything to go well and on transfer day, I want a couple of great embryos to snuggle in and few great ones to freeze.  That would be the ideal situation.

Day 5: Stims

Nothing much new today.  I've realized that my decreased appetite has not normalized yet.  I planned on eating a yummy lunch today but could not even begin to finish it.  Five bites and I was done.  You would think a pretty side effect from that side effect would be weight loss but no, I have managed to gain five pounds, regardless.  I'm pretty sure it's just water and fluid because I am so bloated.  But, really...I feel good.  I'm excited to find out how those little suckers are growing tomorrow!

Day 4: Stims

27 needles.  Still feeling pretty good.  The Repronex is getting on my nerves.  It's pretty difficult to draw up in the syringe.  I'm supposed to mix it first and draw up the solution that is supposed to equal 1mL.  It always ends up being a little less than that.  You think this would be somewhat easy for me since this is what I am going to be doing for living.  I'm hoping I'm not completely screwing it up.  And yes, Michael was right.  The Repronex does get worse as the time goes on.  Everyday it stings a little more going in and it gets more sore as the day does on.   Just two more days until our first ultrasound.  Fingers crossed that those suckers are growing!

California

Four words...RITE-AID ICE CREAM

or is it three words?  I don't know, don't care.

I went to California for 6 days and the only picture I took was of this...ice cream.  I said before, I'm a terrible photographer...mostly because I fail to get out the camera.

Rite-Aid bought out Thrifty drug stores forever ago but all the Rite-Aids that were originally 

Thrifty's still have Thrifty's ice cream.  Still cheap, still the cylindrical scoops, still soooo good.  Chocolate malted crunch.  The end.

I was able to eat at my favs like Los Jarritos, Vince's spaghetti, 21 choices and established some new favs like Fruizen and some Japanese place...I can't remember the name, Mom.

It was fun just hanging out with the mom and dad.  We shopped a little, ate A LOT, and I got to see some

old friends.  Mostly, we just talked about IVF and things to come.  It was a blast!