Thank You

Dear Danielle,

               

                I don’t even know where to start this letter, but it seems like the most important thing I have to say is that I love you. 

                I decided to write this letter because I want to publicly tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. 

Right now (Monday morning), we haven’t even told anyone that it didn’t work yet, but this is easily the worst day of my life so far, and I know it’s the same for you.  I wish more than anything I could have stopped you from having to experiencing it.  At the same time, selfishly, I’m glad that I’m sharing it with you.  I couldn’t survive this without you.  I will never forget the pain that we have gone through together this past year, but I will especially never forget the pain of this morning.  As we lay in bed and cried together for hours, I realized that I loved you more today than I have ever loved you before.  It made me think about all the people who say that you love your child more than you even thought you were capable of.  I’m sure that’s true, but today I felt a new kind of love too.  I often think about what our Urologist/Counselor said around a year ago about how this process will affect us.  I know you remember what he said too.  He said that this has the potential to make us so much stronger as a couple, but it also has the power to destroy us.  He cautioned us to be loving and caring of each other first, before any other emotion.  I wasn’t afraid for our relationship that day and I haven’t been afraid for it any day since then.  As sad as things have been, I only feel more and more in love with you each time we get bad news.

I am so proud of you.  Throughout this whole process, you have continually surprised me with your knowledge, love, and understanding.  You have never once made me feel guilty for the situation we are in; in fact you have done just the opposite.  I remember you telling me that as bad as our situation feels, you have never wished for it to be different.  You have supported me every step of the way.  You are the best person I know.  I know that sounds like I’m generalizing or being dramatic, but you truly are. 

This morning when we found out that we didn’t get pregnant, my first feeling was that I needed to protect you.  Your hands were shaking and I know you could barely breathe.  For a few moments, all I could think about was the pain that you were feeling.  I only remember the feelings of being protective of you.  I wanted to stop whatever it was that was causing this pain.  I felt like that little test in your shaking hands was injuring you in such a deep way.  But then I started feeling like it was me that was the source of all the pain.  The sadness and disappointment of not being pregnant didn’t really set in for a few more minutes.  I felt like I disappointed you, but I know you would get mad at me for saying that.  I know this isn’t fair, but I feel like it is especially unfair to you.  I can’t begin to explain how sorry I am that this didn’t work.  Even though I have said it a million times, I don’t ever think I can say it enough, I love you.

Also, I want to say thank you for writing this amazing record of our journey this year.  I truly believe that this blog has touched hundreds of people’s lives.  I know it hasn’t always been easy to keep up on it but you have done an incredible job. I now know that there are several people out there who are going through the same kinds of situations and experiencing the same feelings that we are because of this blog.  It is amazing to me to hear of all the prayers, love, and hope that people have for us.  I know you have also brought our life and what we are dealing with into so many other people’s lives.  I know you have also educated so many people about infertility in general, which is a very good thing.

I’m sorry, Copper, that we are right here instead of the position we wish we were in, but thank you for being here with me.  I love you with all my heart, and I will continue to love you.

Michael

To Everyone Else,

I can’t even begin to thank everyone for all of the thoughts, prayers, tears, and emotions spent in our behalf by all the people who surround us.  I am so grateful for everyone’s support all year long.  I know I will not do this justice, but I would feel so ungrateful if I didn’t try.

First of all, thank you to everyone for reading this blog.  It has not only been therapeutic for us to be able to share our feelings, but it has also been a very fun way to communicate and become friends with other people in our situation.  Many people from far away have even started following what Danielle has to say, which is pretty neat for us.  I think people have appreciated the blog and we appreciate you reading it.

Both Danielle and I have very close friends from our work and school who have been so supportive and understanding of us and our situation right now.  We feel like it is unfair to just call you our work or school friends, because you are some of the closest friends we have.  Thanks for loving us (and covering for us as we missed so much work these past few weeks.)

                 We received so many text messages, phone messages, Facebook messages, flowers sent to our house, and much more from our family, friends and neighbors.  We do appreciate all of the kindness and love you have given us.

I feel like I even need to thank the Dr.s and nurses who have helped us every step of the way.  They did their job, but they did it perfectly with an amazing amount of individual care and compassion.  Our Dr. has even called us at home several times to make sure we are doing okay.  Thank you for being great.

We have amazing friends.  We have friends who are so close they feel like family and family so close that they feel more like great friends (I hope that makes sense).  Thank you so much.

Van and Michelle, Mom and Dad…all of our family, we love you.  Thank you for always being there for us and for everything else…and then some.

-Michael Hall