We Must Be Crazy...

I have been conflicted lately. When I started this blog I hesitated because I wasn't sure how public I wanted to be when it actually came time to start our IVF cycle. I know, too late now right? I thought it might be difficult to have so many people know every detail about the process and then perhaps not getting the end result we want. We also lose the element of surprise with all this. It sounds dumb and childish but when we started trying, I really looked forward to being able to tell Michael in a really cute way that he was going to be a daddy, and then subsequently, tell our families when we were ready. This way, these things are moot and not really all that possible anyway. But really, it's more about the end result. It would be hard to have to tell everyone that it failed and that I was NOT pregnant. I wonder if I can make a cute sign that reads instead, "Sorry, you're not going to be a daddy just yet!"? Okay, that's not really funny to me but I'm just saying. If we never told anyone what we were doing, then we wouldn't have to possibly announce that it did not work. Like I said before though, too late now.

Well, I guess I can say we're VERY close to starting this process. We have had many long talks after I got my fall schedule that just so nicely interferes with my clinicals. We have come to the conclusion that it is NEVER a good time, the right time, convenient time, or a perfect time to start a family. There is ALWAYS going to be some reason it's not the right time. If we went by that logic, it could very well be years before we thought having a baby would be perfect. Ultimately, this is what we want. It's a good thing to want. I have wanted it since the day we said "I do". And, we have been trying to make it happen for over two years now. If we were to get pregnant on our own today, it would be a welcomed surprise/miracle but not exactly how we "planned" it. And that's just it, no one really gets to plan these things. You can hope you get pregnant when you want and maybe you do, maybe you don't. We DO get the burden luxury of actually picking our due date and frankly, I think it's driving us insane. I'm over it! Most people find out they are pregnant, calculate their EDD (estimated due date) and just go with it. Anytime we pick a date there is always a million reasons that it would be inconvenient...."I'm still in school", "That's when finals are", "What if I'm early?", "I don't want to be 8 1/2 months pregnant looking for a job", "That's when I will be in my residency and I can't be on leave", "I don't want to be a brand new nurse then take a leave for three months", etc.

So, my new approach to the situation is...screw it! I'm going to pretend we miraculously got pregnant on our own and we are going to deal with whatever challenges that brings us because ultimately, we want a baby. So, I started my birth control last week and we are moving forward. I haven't even figured out the exact due date yet which is not like me at all. I don't care. Yes, I will still be in school. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, I kind of know what I'm getting myself into. I have been an emotional wreck about this the past two weeks, contemplating my feelings and fearing what might be. But, I have faith that this is the right decision and I KNOW that we are strong enough to take on any challenges that this might bring. After all, who said having a kid is supposed to be easy, anyway?

July...

 So, we were able to do a couple of fun things this summer.  We headed far east (okay only an hour) to the annual Hall camp out.  Of course, I was frantically trying to connect to the internet so I could study which I did most of one day but was able to relax the rest of the time.  I paid for it when I took my test the next week! Ha ha! It was my lowest test score since the first one.  Of course, 4th of July was mixed in there too so it was definitely not a good week.  Oh well, I needed the study break.

We spent a quiet 4th of July at Michael's parents house and Bethany,Whitney, Zac, and the boys came over for a little while.  It was really fun!  But, the best thing we did was head to St. George for a very short weekend because my bestie, Nicole went through the temple for the first time!  It was a perfect day!  We got to be with her and it was also good for us to get some clarity on our IVF situation.  It has been a while since we have been so I couldn't have been happier to be there for Nicole and for us.  We love you, Nicole!

*Nicole and I after the temple

*Michael and I outside St. George Temple

*4th of July

   *The whole Hall family

But mostly in the month of July, I did this....

I am still loving my OB class, it's definitely right up my alley.  I wish I wasn't so burnt out so I could be a little more excited for my remaining clinicals but oh well.  I have 13 days left in this semester!  I hate to say it but I can't wait for July to just be over with.  I have one more test, 2 more clincals, and 2 finals left.  I'm over it!  I will be busy in August getting ready for the new semester (I have a book I have to read before the semester starts...boo), I'll be going solo to California for a week (Michael cannot get any days off of work right now), and pretty much just enjoying not feeling like I need to be studying.  Hurry up, August!

Parenthood...

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

I explained that the difference between a woman who was able to get pregnant on her own without a whole lot of effort and the one who went through the pain of infertility is that the infertile woman goes through motherhood remembering the pain of empty arms.  Nothing that happens as a mother; bad day, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness, frustration, boredom or any of the less-fun parts will ever be as bad as that horrible ache.  Mothers may whine about being tired, about the fact that the trip to the grocery store counts as "me time" or about the whole "haven't slept for eight hours straight in two years" thing

 but


We wouldn't trade it for anything. Period.  


You might want to tell me I have no idea what I am talking about since as of yet, I am not a mother.  However, I know I will have a constant reminder of the my life before my child and no pain compares to the possibility of never having that child.  Even when your kids are a pain in the neck.....I read this on a friends blog and she reiterates my sentiment, beautifully. 

After a very long day, I went grocery shopping, skinned my toe in the parking lot, had some other fun drama happening, was beyond exhausted and looked forward to watching "The Big Bang Theory" and then collapsing into bed after a hot shower.

Five minutes into "Big Bang" I heard Julia crying.

"Honey, can you check on her please?" Mike nodded like a champ and got up. He opened the door, turned on the light and came sprinting into the kitchen.

"She threw up."

I jumped off the couch (no small feat for being 30 weeks pregnant) and ran into her room.
She was sitting in the middle of her bed, sobbing and *COVERED* in vomit. As was her bed, pillow, sheets, floor, bunnies (she sleeps with two blanket-bunnies) pacifier and everything in a three foot radius.

I stood there looking at her as she looked up at me and wailed, " Mamma! I gwoss!"
Trying not to cry with her, I yanked her out of bed and turned to Mike.
"Baby or bed?" He looked at the bed and grimaced.
"I'll take the bed. Get her cleaned up."
I thanked him (I was not wanting to try to clean up that mess) and carried her into the bathroom.

I yanked her clothes off and examined her. There was vomit in her hair, her eyebrows, all over her face and arms and even in between her fingers.
I turned the bath on as I tried to clean her up.
She huddled close to me, shaking as the water began to fill the tub. "Bath?" I nodded. "Yeah, Julia's going to have a bath." "NO!!!" She clung to me and began to cry.
I sighed. "Does Julia want  Mamma to take a bath with her?" She nodded. "Oh, yes."
So I stripped down, grabbed her and pulled her into the tub. The vomit took forever to get out of her hair and she cuddled close to me as I poured warm water on her shoulders trying to help the chills go away.

After about ten minutes (and several trips to the washing machine on Mike's part later) she was clean and warming up. So we got out, dressed her, re-made her bed with new sheets, gave her some water and put her back to bed.
And repeated the entire process twenty minutes later.

As I sat on the edge of the tub holding my daughter over the toilet bowl, I reflected on my earlier conversation with Jenn.

I was exhausted, I was covered in vomit, it was almost midnight, Mike was saying things like "let her sleep with us" and I had to go visiting teaching in the morning (I had to cancel; we're 90% sure she just ate something that didn't agree with her but since I didn't sleep last night, she puked a good chunk of the night and we aren't 100% sure she's not sick I didn't want to expose her to other kids or babies and let their parents have as much fun as we did.)
Honestly, not the most fun I've ever had in my life.

But would I ever trade this vomit-covered child for the ability to go to bed and sleep eight (or more) straight hours? Would I rather have spent my evening watching mindless  tv while the second bedroom stood quiet as an office instead of Julia's room? Would it have been worth the trade-off to sleep next to my husband with my arm wrapped around him instead of sleeping next to a little girl who kept sitting up and kissing both of us on the cheek saying "Wuff you?" Even on the "gwoss"-est of nights, I wouldn't trade it for peace and quiet. I'd rather have vomit in my eyelashes and a little body cuddling close for comfort any day than that horrible ache of empty arms and an overly clean house. Nothing compares to that ache.
And nothing compares to the joy.


**It's my big sister's birthday today!  I think she is a little annoyed with me that I can't spend the day with her.  What's my excuse?  Right, I have to study (and go to work).  I dream about the day where I no longer have to cancel plans, sit in my office or at school, listen to online lectures that make your ears bleed, and say the words, "Sorry, I have to study".  I promise  I will make it up to you.  Happy Birthday, Whitney!!  I love you!



*Bethany, Whitney, Mom, and Me.

Reschedule...

I got part of my fall schedule today. Guess when I have my Psych clinicals? Yep. The very same day our egg retrieval is schedules for.  There are four clinical groups and mine just happens to be scheduled at the worst possible time.  We have a lot to think about...hmmm.

*I will add, not only is it the same day as the egg retrieval but it's also the same three weeks where I will be monitored every day with ultrasound to see how the egg follicles are developing, same weeks as the transfer where I will need to be on bed rest for 5 days, same weeks as my blood pregnancy test.  It sounds silly to say that I don't want to change groups but I really, really don't want to.  It would almost be like starting school again.  I know we'll come up with a solution, I just don't know what it is.

Crybaby...

Hallelujah! My Med/Surg clinical rotations are done.  I am on the downward slope of this crazy roller coaster.  I just have 5 grueling lectures left in Med/Surg as well as OB (although, those are not so grueling for me, I'm in love with OB).  I have four lab/clinicals for OB that start in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!  Aside from the first clinical day of Med/Surg, I had really awesome experiences on all the different units I worked on.  I had wonderful nurses who taught me so much and I learned a ton.  I learned a lot about myself too:

#1-I'm a cry baby.  I kind of already knew this about myself but I didn't know that I do not have the ability to keep my emotions in check on the job.  I cried when I was on the Medical/Oncology unit, entering a patient's room to give her a bed bath.  She was on hospice and her entire family was there.  It took me literally three seconds for my eyes to well-up with big alligator tears when I saw their faces, looking at their dying mother.  I quickly scooted into the bathroom behind the CNA (who, thank goodness, happened to be a good friend of mine) and blotted my tears from my face.  I also cried when I saw a 65 year old man, thank his 57 years old sister for being there for his surgery.  He held her hand and told her how much he loved her and appreciated her for being by his side all their life, and he cried.  I sat there wishing I had that same relationship with my brother.  I cried when I admitted a 20 year old boy-man that just got a new kidney from his sister.  He started to cry when he said he was so glad he didn't have to be on dialysis anymore but that he wanted to go back to the clinic to thank all the people there for what they have done for him over the last 7 years.  I guess along with the gag reflex, not crying in front of patients is yet another unwanted trait need I need to work on.  But...

#2-I absolutely can control my gag reflex.  I had throw-up guy on my last day and I can't tell you how proud I am of myself that I did not once feel like I was going to lose my lunch.  This guy could not keep anything down.  He was throwing up stomach acid and bile and doing it about every 30 minutes.  It was so gross and I felt so bad for him because he was so miserable.  To my evil gag reflex's credit, I can't say that I had very many worthy opponents and I'm sure I will get the opportunity to really test it out in the near future.

#3-The most important thing I learned...I think know I can really do this.  I have found my groove.  I have definitely doubted sometimes through the last three semesters if this is really for me (mostly because of the nasty gag reflex). I now know that it is.  It's hard, I mean really hard and I think my classmates would agree.  We were just saying yesterday, yet again, we don't know that we will survive and that it really blows sometimes but we all agreed that it is so fun!!  Through all the tears and melt downs, we are still having such a blast!


*Although I really am having fun, this pretty much sums up the last four weeks beautifully.  This is one of our many study groups on my lunch break.


I am really looking forward to having a few weeks off in August to read for pleasure, maybe take a Sunday nap again and seeing a lot more of Michael hopefully. I also start my meds for our IVF on the 22nd of August.  Sheesh!  I must be crazy.