Oh Yeah...

...I forgot to tell you...we're adopting!  Okay, beginning the process at least.  A couple of months ago we had a rather difficult, heart wrenching albeit AMAZING experience.  We had just received the news of another disappointing sperm analysis.  It was very disappointing because there was some miscommunication and we were told that Michael had "0" sperm".  We thought this for about three days until we called to get a clarification.  He has plenty of sperm left, don't worry.  However, during the three days we thought that our dreams of having any children of our own were over, something amazing/awful happened.

To try to protect feelings, I will keep this short.  The day after we received the results I was reading an article in the Ensign about adoption and being LDS and infertile.  My mom suggested I read it and I ran around looking for copy since our subscription had lapsed.  I was on my bed reading the article, feeling hurt, devastated and angry.  The article was nothing I hadn't read or heard before and I was honestly just feeling bitter.  I didn't want adoption to be my only option.  We always said that if we adopted, we hoped that it would be our decision and not a decision made for us.  Some people choose adoption over treatment right away, it just has not been that easy for us.  As I was reading the article, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I have ever considered adoption.  I gave a simple answer of  "yes".  She asked to come over and talk.  Long story short, she was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby.  At that very moment, my heart was softened.  I immediately loved this baby and knew that I could love it like my own which shamefully, has been my biggest resistance towards adoption, not knowing if I could love another's like my own.  I know other adoptive parents do it so well, I just didn't know if I could.  I do now.

Sparing a week's worth of details and speculation, it didn't work out but for a short while, we thought we were going to be parents this year and the love I felt for that baby...there are no words.  The whole situation was devastating and amazing at the same time.  My heart is bursting at the possibility of adopting.  I can't wait!  After this experience,  we called LDS Family Services and got more information on how to start the process.  We have already had our orientation, which is the first step and are trying to get the word out that we are looking to adopt so officially...

WE ARE ADOPTING!  IF ANY OF MY FIVE READERS KNOW OF ANYONE CONSIDERING PLACING FOR ADOPTION, PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND.

Our orientation went well but after, we decided to hold-off with continuing our paperwork.  At LDSFS, if you are to become pregnant while waiting, you are put on a hold until your baby is 12 months old.  I love this because I think it's very fair.  You have to pay a deposit to continue paperwork and we decided it made more financial sense to wait to see what the outcome of our IVF cycle is (since it is very close).  If it works, we would have $1000 sitting and doing no work for almost 2 years.  We are hoping to get the word out ourselves in the meantime.  I wanted to write this post for so long.  I wanted to wait until I had an adoption blog all pretty and nice but I have no idea when I will get that done before August.  Does anyone want to do it for me?  Ha!  I shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be studying ventilators.

In closing,  I have not done my feelings justice regarding adoption with this post.  I can't articulate at the moment how grateful I am for it and how so badly I hope that this is what my Father in heaven has in store for us.  I love my friend who, in a very difficult situation, turned my heart.  I still love you.

Overdue...

I'm going to try to write a very long overdue update on the baby thing, infertility, the elephant in our life.  To sum up, we've been good.  I have been very distracted with school which has been sort of therapeutic for me.  I still have "one of those days" every now and then but generally, we are good.  Sometimes it's hard for me to admit or say in the exact words that I'm grateful that I don't have the extra stress of newborn.  I just realized that if our IVF worked last time, I would be 2 days away from my due date.  I am grateful.  I really don't know what we were thinking?  I know I would have risen to the occasion but we were so blinded by what we wanted, we kind of disregarded what would be best for us and the baby.  I have thought a lot about it and it wouldn't have been any fun at all.  I want to be able to stay home and snuggle my baby as much as I want, not worry about who will be watching my newborn while I go take a test, go to 12 hour clinicals, and trying to fit in hours of studying time.

It's nice to finally say we are officially back on the IVF train.  We met with our new RE, Dr. Heiner 2 weeks ago and really loved what he said.  I was pleased with the things he wanted to change from my last cycle and just grateful that he wanted to change anything at all.  Our last RE said she wouldn't do anything differently and I was really not comfortable with that.  How can you do the same thing and expect a different result?   Dr. Heiner was not thrilled with when we want to do the cycle.  We are tentatively scheduled for the first week in August, the week of finals and graduation.  I know that sounds crazy but hear me out.  That week would be the week of the egg retrieval.  I would have daily ultrasounds in the morning and then the retrieval at the end of the week.  My transfer would be the following week, no tests, no studying, not even working (I plan to take some time off after graduation to do absolutely nothing).  Following the transfer, I will be in bed for a few days and then we are going to Oregon with some friends to relax, de-stress, and try not to think about whether or not we are pregnant.  We can't change the vacation and I can't do it after in hopes that I will have a job that I will not be able to take time off from for 12 weeks.

Dr. Heiner asked if I get stressed during finals and yes I do.  But, that week is not the week I need to worry  about my stress level.  It is the following week where I need to be as calm as possible and I will definitely be able to do that.  I know stress is never an ideal thing in any situation but, really?  Stress does not impact the outcome of IVF cycle! If it did, no one would get pregnant from it.  Those 2 weeks of waiting to find out if I was pregnant or not were the most stressful 2 weeks of entire life!  I'm not kidding. I can't think of any time, even in the last 2 years, where I was more emotionally and mentally unstable.  Michael was about to medicate me...for real.  I'm looking for some validation that I am not crazy or making the same mistake we did last time.  I feel very strongly that I did not get pregnant last time because it was not the right time for us to have child.  I also feel very confident that we will have a child of our own someday and I hope that time is very soon.  I have been going back and forth the last couple of weeks and I feel like no matter when we do it, the time is right.  

I will start meds at the end of June and we are really excited about it.  Nervous, but excited.

I'm Still Alive...

Hello, it's me.  I can't quite put my finger on why it's been so long since I posted but alas, it's been forever!  I might have something to do with the fact that last semester just about killed me.  It was horrible!  We had a test every week, sometimes two tests.  We called it "two-test-Tuesday's".  I had an official mental breakdown for 48 hours the first "two-test-Tuesday".  I was so beside myself.  I didn't know how  I was supposed to work 3 shifts, go to clinical and memorize 54 medications for my test, plus study for another one.  Free time was not in the cards. I spent most of my days in the library, gained 6 lbs, and was on the brink on just completely giving up.  Sometimes, people compare my school experience to their college experience.  No offense, this is not your average Poly Sci degree.  It's intense.  I think some people in my life think I use "I have to study" as an excuse to avoid things I don't really want to do.  The amount of study time in never sufficient.  I really am studying...or doing my best to try.  I get very anxious when I fit in sleep recreational time.  I feel like I should be studying.  I don't really know how to describe it.  It's survival of the fittest. We lost two people from our class last semester and was near losing a few more.  I can't imagine anything worse after coming this far and being to close to it all being over.

We are three days into our very last semester!  Yay!  But, I think they are really trying to kill us this semester.  We have so much to do, no one knows where to begin.  I had 8 hours of lecture on Wednesday, work Thursday, 8 hour lab on Friday, 8 hour clinical on Monday, first test is on Tuesday, and fitting studying for said test and other incredibly boring busy work anywhere I can.

However, it will all be over in 74 days!  10 weeks!  D.O.N.E!  It's been almost two years since I was in a little town in England and found out I got accepted to this program.  I can't believe how fast the last two years have flown by.  Everyone said it would and I believed them but I know idea it would go this fast!

August 5th is graduation...74 days...pray for me!