Oh Yeah...

...I forgot to tell you...we're adopting!  Okay, beginning the process at least.  A couple of months ago we had a rather difficult, heart wrenching albeit AMAZING experience.  We had just received the news of another disappointing sperm analysis.  It was very disappointing because there was some miscommunication and we were told that Michael had "0" sperm".  We thought this for about three days until we called to get a clarification.  He has plenty of sperm left, don't worry.  However, during the three days we thought that our dreams of having any children of our own were over, something amazing/awful happened.

To try to protect feelings, I will keep this short.  The day after we received the results I was reading an article in the Ensign about adoption and being LDS and infertile.  My mom suggested I read it and I ran around looking for copy since our subscription had lapsed.  I was on my bed reading the article, feeling hurt, devastated and angry.  The article was nothing I hadn't read or heard before and I was honestly just feeling bitter.  I didn't want adoption to be my only option.  We always said that if we adopted, we hoped that it would be our decision and not a decision made for us.  Some people choose adoption over treatment right away, it just has not been that easy for us.  As I was reading the article, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I have ever considered adoption.  I gave a simple answer of  "yes".  She asked to come over and talk.  Long story short, she was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby.  At that very moment, my heart was softened.  I immediately loved this baby and knew that I could love it like my own which shamefully, has been my biggest resistance towards adoption, not knowing if I could love another's like my own.  I know other adoptive parents do it so well, I just didn't know if I could.  I do now.

Sparing a week's worth of details and speculation, it didn't work out but for a short while, we thought we were going to be parents this year and the love I felt for that baby...there are no words.  The whole situation was devastating and amazing at the same time.  My heart is bursting at the possibility of adopting.  I can't wait!  After this experience,  we called LDS Family Services and got more information on how to start the process.  We have already had our orientation, which is the first step and are trying to get the word out that we are looking to adopt so officially...

WE ARE ADOPTING!  IF ANY OF MY FIVE READERS KNOW OF ANYONE CONSIDERING PLACING FOR ADOPTION, PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND.

Our orientation went well but after, we decided to hold-off with continuing our paperwork.  At LDSFS, if you are to become pregnant while waiting, you are put on a hold until your baby is 12 months old.  I love this because I think it's very fair.  You have to pay a deposit to continue paperwork and we decided it made more financial sense to wait to see what the outcome of our IVF cycle is (since it is very close).  If it works, we would have $1000 sitting and doing no work for almost 2 years.  We are hoping to get the word out ourselves in the meantime.  I wanted to write this post for so long.  I wanted to wait until I had an adoption blog all pretty and nice but I have no idea when I will get that done before August.  Does anyone want to do it for me?  Ha!  I shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be studying ventilators.

In closing,  I have not done my feelings justice regarding adoption with this post.  I can't articulate at the moment how grateful I am for it and how so badly I hope that this is what my Father in heaven has in store for us.  I love my friend who, in a very difficult situation, turned my heart.  I still love you.