Epiphany...

I stalk infertility blogs.  They are plentiful, unfortunately.  They all resonate with me in some way.  Almost every time I read a post I feel it's me writing it, which is unfortunate also.  Today, I read a post on a blog that made me feel this way again.  This was not unfortunate, however.  She wrote how she had an epiphany playing a card game with her hubby and realized that if card games on a Saturday night was all she ever had she was happy, content, and fulfilled.

I found myself agreeing again.  I realized I feel exactly the same way and I was a little surprised, a little not.  I'm I was hoping that one day I would be here but I never thought it would happen so quickly.  It helps that I firmly believe that it won't just be Michael and I for the rest of our lives but I still would be okay.   Probably better than okay, I would be great.  I am done being sad about our infertility.  I still long for a baby but I am so happy to be feeling like us, again.  I am thrilled that I feel like this one thing no longer consumes or defines our lives.  Of course I still think about it daily.  I always will and I will never give up on my future children.  But, there is a certain peace I feel when I think about it now.  Peace and certainty.

The new year brought a new attitude, new hope.  I am hopeful again.  With hope comes the possibility of disappointment and that is scary.  I have 100% turned this matter over to the Lord.  I humbly submit myself to His will and His plan for us and our family.  I know this all on His time (funny...I would get so bugged when people would tell me that) and it will happen when He wants it to happen.  I am certain that we have very special children waiting for us and they are our children.

Akayla Zoe and Curtis Bryce...

I got a call Monday night from a friend from our old ward and neighborhood letting me know that a dear family, mother, and friend in our old ward, tragically lost their sweet baby girl when she accidentally ran over her with the family van.  I was able to attend the precious funeral today to say goodbye to sweet, Akayla.  This family is the nicest, most charitable, sweet family and they need help with expenses for the funeral.  I'm soliciting.  There is a button on the left that will direct you to their family blog where you can make donations and on at the bottom of this post are links to the story and also places where you can make donations.  The following is an email from the friend that told me about the tragedy:

Dear Friends and Family,
 
This past week has been full of emotion as we experienced a tragic accident in our neighborhood.
On Tuesday night, one of our sweet moms went out to move her van and didn't know her 2 year old had followed her out the door.  Any parent's worst nightmare followed as this sweet girl was hit and killed by her mom.

We have all been in shock and have looked for various ways to help this family.  We have lived here for 7 1/2 years and have known this family that long.  They are sweet and dear and the kindest people you will ever meet.

Last summer, Angie stopped by my house with dinner - "because she was thinking of me..."  She had no idea I was having possibly one of the worst weeks of my life.  But that is just the way she is.  They have 4 other children - ages 10 - 4 and are expecting their 6th later this year.  In the midst of her busy life, she unknowingly took care of me when I really needed someone.

As a neighborhood we have come together to clean their house, do some minor repairs and otherwise get their home ready for the family's return today.  The simple fact of the matter is that this family does not have a lot of "extra" financially.  The cost of the funeral and replacing a van that they can't bear to look at anymore is going to be very difficult for them.  As we cleaned their home, we found a jar with a "vacation fund" label and it had maybe an inch or two of coins in it.  
 
Every year we donate a few bucks to the MS Bike Ride, the Cancer Society, our college Alumni Association, Scouting, etc...  While each is a great cause, our money goes into a fund and we never get to see how we impact an individual or family.  I am asking you to consider donating to a family that really needs help and who will be impacted by any size donation.  It will all be appreciated and will help.  It will also make you feel good to know you are helping a family in need.
 
I have attached a website that has been set up to accept donations or you can donate at any Wells Fargo branch for Akayla Ferguson.
 
Hug your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews and friends.  Life is too short and can change at any time.
 
http://akaylasfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=14055644 
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=akayla-ferguson&pid=147981970&fhid=11609&eid=sp_ommatch

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While I'm soliciting...Michael's cousin, Curtis (Bryce) Howard, was diagnosed with colon cancer in December.  It was reported today that it is now stage 4.  He is 31 years old.  His wife, Shannon, and his family are hosting a benefit dinner that will help pay for the costs of his medical care.  It sounds like it will be a lot of fun!  Below is a link to his blog and information about the fundraiser dinner.  The tickets are $10 and there will be lots of great raffle prizes and a silent auction.  Everyone is welcome and encouraged to come:

Curtis Bryce Howard Cancer Fund

Benefit Dinner/Silent Auction and Raffle

When

February 5, 2011

5pm-8pm

Where

West Valley Family Fitness Center (Upstairs Room)

5415 West 3100 South, West Valley, UT 84120

Here is LINK to Shannon's blog to make donations and HERE is the Facebook page for  more detailed information about the benefit. 

 If nothing else, please keep Akayla's and Curtis' families in your prayers.

Curtis and Shannon Howard

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.