1. Christmas break! A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for! I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester. Another semester down, two to go! What a crazy semester it was. It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover. I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes. On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were. I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes. Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!). How the heck did I pull it off? I don't know. I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester. I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.
The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate. I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time. It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation. 200 days left!! Less than 7 months!! These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago. Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.
2. We went to Disneyland! It was our first vacation together in over a year. We didn't go anywhere together last year. Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF. When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what. It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.
3. The biggest reason. This blog obviously represents one main theme. I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year. Easier said than done. Of course I would think about it. I think it about several times a day. I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months.
I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me. Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally. I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.
I'm back now. So where are we? We are really not sure. The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again. We would start the process in July. The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time. We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime. It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship. If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated. I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal. But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again. I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree. It's seriously a form of torture!
For now, we are just waiting...again. I feel like we've been here before. But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it. We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.
You have such a great attitude! I'm glad you've been able to not obsess about it the past few months. Everyone needs a break now and then. The other day I was stuck in my head, worrying, about infertility. I started getting sick to my stomach thinking about every month going through that heart ache. Then dreading what if we end up doing fertility treatments again. Then a thought came into my head of when we found out we were pregnant. I knew I'd do it all again, and a million times more. So maybe I shouldn't be so scared. I heard once that the lengths people will go to ttc, in what they will go through physically and emotionally can only be compared to a terminally ill person. So true. You'll do anything. Sorry this is a bunch of rambling. Keep up the positivity! You're an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited for your graduation, sweetie! You've been kicking so much ass.
ReplyDeleteBeing as healthy and stress-free and solid as you can possibly be is the best move you can make!! <3