22 and 23 Weeks!

 

22.4 weeks

How far along? 22.5 weeks

Total weight gain: I'm finally up on my weight. At my 20 week appointment I had gained 5 lbs! 5lbs in one month! I'm happy about that. I have really been focusing on getting 100g of protein a day. It's not as hard as I thought it would be and my favorite bed time snack is Greek yogurt with blueberries, Stevia, and protein granola. I think they went through a growth spurt because for three days in a row, I couldn't get satisfied. I was hungry all.the.time. We'll see what my weight has been doing the last month next week.

Sleep? I'm sleeping okay. Just tossing and turning a lot and repositioning. The Pillow is helping a lot. Michael still hates it because its huge! Apparently I'm snoring like man. My dear husband is so wonderful. I'm much less tolerant of snoring and always nudge him to roll over when he snores (which only happens when he has allergies). He doesn't touch me. I'm super congested, especially at night. I am not hearing my kids at night as much as I normally do so I must not be sleeping too bad.

Best moment of the week?  It was a couple of weeks ago but hearing everything looks great with babies at my 20 week ultrasound. They were both measuring where they should. Baby girl is a little smaller and baby boy is a little bigger. All the anatomy looked normal and there was nothing to be concerned about. Of course there can't be anything 100% free from worry. Apparently there is a measurement/ratio that measures head to long bone ratio. It will be flagged if the ratio is high. Both babies were flagged for "increased risk of chromosomal anomalies" because they both have big heads. My doctor hates this measurement because the long bones are measuring just perfectly... they just have big heads. All of my kids do. He is not concerned about it at all. Of course, we are...a little.

Miss anything? Bending over and keeping up with my kids. I already don't want to do much because I get Braxton Hicks and just need to rest a lot. I just don't remember feeling this way, this soon. I still have 15 weeks so I'm a little nervous about what is to come.

Movement? Yes. Michael has been able to feel them a couple of times now. Baby boy has an anterior placenta so I don't feel him as much or as strongly. I wish I knew which one was moving. I have a really hard time figuring out who is moving. Most of the time I assume I'm feeling baby girl because the movements are high. Right now they are both transverse and baby girl is on top and baby boy is on bottom.

Food cravings? Not craving much right now. I did crave a cinnamon roll and drove all the way to Thanksgiving Point because the Maverick gas station has a Cinnabon station inside. It was so good and Sam agreed. Totally worth it.

Anything make you queasy or sick? I'm not nauseous too often but I still do throw-up almost every morning because of an overactive gag reflex. I'm really over that part.

Labor signs? No. Braxton Hicks a lot. I try to drink a lot of water as soon as I get up. That seems to help keep the Braxton Hicks at bay. Hoping these babies don't show up until after March 23rd. 15 more weeks!

Gender?  Boy and Girl!

Symptoms? Heartburn and reflux are the biggest culprits. I just eat small meals and try to stay away from things that I know will make it worse. Chocolate, applesauce, soda.

Happy or Moody? Mostly happy. Just very tired. I get anxious trying to figure out what our life will like in 3 months. We are trying to figure out if we are moving or staying. For now we are staying put. We love where we live and space will be an issue but we are going to try and make it work until we can figure out where we will be financially. I'm not sure what working will look like for me after these babies get here. We are hoping to stay until Michael is done with his Masters program in a couple of years.

Looking forward to...? Deciding on names! Oh my gosh, it's been so hard this time! We have lots of names we "like" but not "love". Nothing seems to be jumping out at me. I can't wait to stop calling them baby boy and baby girl. Also, looking forward to Christmas! The holidays seem to make the weeks go by faster and Michael has a nice break from school so we will be focusing on doing fun stuff with our kiddos and getting some projects done around the house.

Twins, Take Two and What We've Been Up To...

What a year it's been! I can't believe 2015 is almost over. I last wrote just before the girls' first birthday (although I've been writing for myself privately). I survived the girls birthday! It was a very wide range of emotions the whole week, as had been the whole year. I love planning my kids' birthday. It just seemed so backwards at times though. I would be in one aisle of the store picking out plates and streamers and then go to another aisle trying to find something that would hold up to the weather for Cora's grave. I kept thinking I shouldn't have to get decorations for her grave, she should be here celebrating with Elena. I went to the checkout a time or two, in tears.

I am blessed to have a family that didn't even need to ask what they could do. They just did it. They knew that I wanted to celebrate both my girls but the preparations were difficult. My parents made all the food and we even had the party at their house. My little sister took care of decorations for the party and even some for Cora's grave. It really didn't help that just a couple of weeks before, I miscarried. We did a D&C the following week and I was having issues related to it all. Emotionally, I was spent anyway. We had transferred two of our last 4 embryos in January and spent a few days worrying about the possibility of twins, then to finding out it was one baby and a blighted ovum, to being devastated at our 9 week ultrasound that found no heartbeat.

I had several weeks of bleeding and lagging Hcg levels (for two months actually). I was eager to get on with things and finish this IVF journey. I wanted to do the last transfer as soon as possible. My levels eventually bottomed out and I finally got rid of the retained tissue from the D&C and my next transfer date was set...July 20th. Just 5 days prior to when the transfer was with the girls, 2 years before. I thought great, the same season of pregnancy, very close due dates. Could I handle this?

An uneventful cycle later, my beta came back at 462. That's very high. I knew two days after the transfer that I was pregnant and five days after the transfer, I confirmed it with a home pregnancy test. I knew I was pregnant with twins again and my beta just confirmed my suspicions. If I am going to be completely honest writing my feelings down, I will say I was not excited. I was a mess until my ultrasound. It's silly with how we need to procreate, to think "how could this happen?" but I did. We went back and forth about how many embryos to transfer and it just didn't make sense on so many levels to only transfer one, especially financially. We prayed about it and we felt we just needed to transfer two and that whatever happened was supposed to be. I also secretly thought, if Heavenly Father knew me at all, he would bless us with just one this time. Hahaha! When will I ever learn? I went into this last cycle believing with all my heart that we were carrying out the plan that was laid for us and that whatever happened was meant to be, even if that meant that we wouldn't have more children. I prayed for an entire year after the girls were born, every night, that my longing for one more child would be taken away and that I would no longer feel like there was another baby to come to our family. Honestly, I used to think that when a person said or felt there was another baby for them that they were just trying to justify their decision to have another. I could never relate to that feeling until this last year. The more I prayed to feel content and feel okay with not using the embryos we had, the more the feeling persisted and knew that I we had to have one more baby.

If Cora had lived, healthy or not, we would have been done. Embryos or no embryos. We had four embryos and consulting with our doctor, went back and forth about transferring one or two. With our cycle in January, we decided to transfer two but the weaker two. We had a great pair, and a pair that had one great one and one slightly weaker. We decided if that only one survived the thaw, we would only transfer one. If they both survived, we would transfer both. Half way through, we changed our mind and decided to transfer the stronger pair. We just wanted to be done and give us the best chance of getting pregnant. We got to the transfer and the message never got where it needed to go and they thawed the weaker pair, which both survived. Fast forward, we were pregnant with one and the second one never developed. It was an empty sac. I cheated and scanned myself at work (perks to working in L&D) and saw two sacs very early on. I will say, I cried for three days. I didn't know how we would survive this. We told close family and friends and started to get excited. We went to our 7 week ultrasound and saw one beautiful heartbeat and one empty sac. I was sad but knew I would be grateful for this outcome. However, walking out of that doctor appointment, my mind flashed to those two embryos and right then I knew we would be using them. The whole pregnancy, however short, felt so surreal...like a dream. It never seemed real. I was a little sick, but nothing too horrible. Around 8 weeks, I started feeling better. I knew something was wrong...I just knew. I had no signs of miscarriage but my heart just knew. My visiting teachers were over a few days before my 9 week ultrasound and I told them I thought something was wrong. They reassured me it was probably just first trimester jitters and I agreed. I had changed my appointment to three days earlier because the progesterone shots were going to kill me and I didn't want to keep doing them if I didn't need to. We went to the ultrasound and the NP asked why I changed my appointment. I told her that I needed to get off the shots (you usually get your weaning schedule at your 9 week appointment) and I quietly slipped in there that I thought something was wrong. As soon as the picture came up, we all saw it, no heartbeat. The baby was measuring 9 weeks so it happen fairly recently. I was just not surprised at all. We were left alone for a good cry and then discussed options...letting it pass on it's own, medication, or D&C. Knowing my body, it would have taken far too long to recognize the pregnancy had failed. The medication sounded horrible and I was far enough along that she warned that it would be painful. I opted for an in office D&C and scheduled it for the next week. Long story short, it went smoothly but I had some retained tissue that caused my Hcg levels to drop very slowly and bled for almost two months. I'm pretty sure I was lacking oxygen to my brain at that time. I was so tired and couldn't think straight. The tissue passed on it's own with my next cycle and we were scheduled for our final FET.

It was July by this time and I was eager to get on with things, although it was also a little tender. The whole thing was bittersweet. Closing a chapter in our lives. A very long 6 year chapter. I was mostly happy to have fertility treatments and the battle of infertility behind us but it will always be such a huge part of our lives. I guess it's a similar feeling to knowing you are having your last pregnancy or baby. Our transfer went smoothly on July 20th and I was on bed rest for a couple of days. I knew two days after the transfer that I was pregnant. The heartburn had already started and I just knew. Five days after the transfer, I didn't feel well and threw up. I ran to the store to get pregnancy test but didn't plan to take it for another two days. Well, I couldn't wait. I knew it was still early but I took it anyway. It came up positive right away and I told Michael. He seemed indifferent but assured me he wasn't and that he just already knew I was pregnant and he was nervous. He said that unfortunately, that little stick didn't provide him any reassurance. I agreed but this was a step in the right direction. We got my beta back and it came back very high at 462. I knew it was twins again and from our previous cycle, knew that it would be okay but I was still terrified. How were we going to do this?

We headed to our first ultrasound two weeks later and was not at all surprised that there were two heartbeats. We had a scare for a minute when the tech said she saw THREE sacs. She said it looked empty though. I made her look three times! It didn't end up being an empty sac, it was a bleed that caused no problems. There were two babies...for the time being. We just had a "one day at a time" attitude. We were pretty ambivalent to the situation. We were not convinced we were having two babies and told no one. We went back the next week...two heartbeats. We went back at 9 weeks...two heartbeats. It started to look like signs pointed to two.

We were released from the fertility clinic and had our first appointment with my OB/MFM. It was a LONG appointment that consisted of genetic counseling, an ultrasound, and clinic appointment. We were told our risks of having another chromosomal defect in one of the babies was a little higher than before and told what our testing options were. We opted not to do anything invasive and definitely declined that dumb blood test that told us everything was fine with girls (they are no longer recommending it for twins anyway). Our doctor told us we would do frequent ultrasounds and we would have as much information from that as we would any blood test. We had the NT screen at 12 weeks and it was not a fun appointment. I was a wreck! The poor tech, even knowing our history, was probably wondering why we were not happy or excited to see our babies. We were in the same room that we found our Cora might have a problem and the same room we were told she had passed away.  In those moments, I questioned everything we did and everything we were doing. I couldn't bare it. The tech cannot really tell us if everything was okay but she did at the end anyway because she knew how anxious we were. She said everything looked great and the measurements were well within the normal limits.

We left that appointment feeling reassured that so far, our babies looked healthy and were growing beautifully. We still didn't spill the beans about having twins yet. Having passed the 12 week mark was a milestone but still didn't feel confident we would be seeing two heartbeats at the next appointment. It was very overwhelming. My dad had had a heart attack less than two weeks before and things were chaotic in our families. No one needed the added stress of knowing about the twins.

We didn't plan on telling anyone until after my 16 week ultrasound and we could possibly find out the genders. We planned on a gender reveal right before Halloween. I had always wanted to have a gender reveal but it never worked out with my other two pregnancies. Michael wanted nothing to do with it. He thinks gender reveals are pretentious, a waste of time, and no one wants to come. I half agree but any reason to get family and friends together to eat and catch up is a good enough for me. We wouldn't have had the gender reveal party if people already knew about the twins or we were just having one. It was a fun, Halloween themed party and the kids wore their costumes and played a couple of games. Of course, there was yummy food too. My friend, Sharon, who was one of the only people in the world that knew about the twins made the "gender reveal pumpkins" and was the only person at the time that knew the genders. It was really fun to announce the genders and the fact we were having twins at the same time. Had we told everyone early on, no one would have been excited and they would have just worried like we did. We didn't need everyone else to be stressed out too.

Everyone was shocked and had no idea that we had been keeping this secret for four months. Some may have been annoyed that we weren't truthful but it was our decision to not tell anyone. We didn't want to stress people out but more than that, we needed to be excited about it before telling anyone and honestly, we weren't at first. Michael has lost 20lbs if that says anything and I've lost 10 lbs right along with him, although for slightly different reasons. We were terrified that we would be destined to repeat the past and equally terrified about the reality of four kids under the age of three. We never planned on having four kids, given how hard it has been to get them here. We always said if we could get two out of this process, we would feel so blessed. We just didn't think a big family was in the cards for us.

We are thrilled we are having a boy and a girl! My intuition told me from the beginning it was a boy and girl so I would have been very pleasantly surprised if it turned out differently. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around it. Chasing around two toddlers has a way of distracting you from things, sort of. I will update about how my pregnancy has gone until now. For now...

BABY BOY AND GIRL HALL

DUE APRIL 6th 2016

Guest post...

I have been asked by a lovely friend to do a guest post on her blog here. I'm honored, especially since I don't feel like I'm a great writer or have any profound or eloquent insight to life. I'm just honest about my feelings and hope that my experiences and feelings can help others in my situation so they may not feel so alone. Everyone has a story to tell and this is mine...

Michael and I met in 2006 and were married later that year. I honestly never really thought about having children until I met him. I always knew that I wanted children and would get married, wait a couple of years, get pregnant, you know, the usual steps. I met, fell in love, and married Michael and I could not believe how much I wanted to have a baby right away. I wanted to be a mother and really wanted to make Michael a father. We were both still in school and wanted to enjoy the time we had together so we didn't do anything hasty but the urge was there and I couldn't wait until we were "ready".

Fast forward to 2008. After about 18 months of marriage and Michael's graduation, we felt like it was time to start "trying". I assumed, probably like most, that we would get pregnant pretty quickly. The first and second months were disappointing but maybe expected. The subsequent months of negative pregnancy tests and watching other people get pregnant was progressively, excruciatingly painful. Anyone wanting to be pregnant and it's not happening knows this pain. After 10 months, we decided it's time to start poking about to see if everything was okay in the fertility world. After several tests, we found out that no, things were not okay. We needed in vitro fertilization (IVF) to have our children. Other people hear of a diagnosis like this and think, problem solved but it's not that simple or unemotional. It's a devastating diagnosis. IVF is emotional, painful, time consuming and above all, expensive. I don't know many that have an extra $15,000 stuffed in their mattresses. It took us a year to be able to afford our first round of IVF. Trying to relay the emotional roller coaster that is infertility cyberspace than I have so feel free to head into the archives of my blog read about those months and years of heartache and joy.

To sum up 4 long years of infertility, we attempted our first round of IVF. We were so confident it would work, they might as well have just handed us a baby. But yet again, another negative test. Up until recently, that was the worst day of my life. A year of saving a lot of money and anticipating finally becoming pregnant, it didn't work. We didn't know what we were going to do or how we were going to afford to do it again. Fast forward a whole year and we were ready to try again. Different doctor, different plan and we found out we were finally pregnant! That joy lasted a split second because we quickly realized it was not a healthy pregnancy and after 10 weeks of waiting and hoping and praying, I had a D&C. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. We were devastated once again. How could this happen? Honestly, the miscarriage was not as devastating as the first IVF failure because I was happy to know that I could get pregnant. We had one frozen embryo left from our second cycle and it was something we did as soon as we could to "get it over with". After two failures, you kind of anesthetize yourself to the situation and go through the motions. After 4 years, we found out we were finally pregnant and it seem to be a healthy pregnancy. Nine months later, this little monkey was born...

Sam, around 14 months

My pregnancy was joyful, easy and exciting. I will say, having a child makes the heartache of infertility dull and distant. I will never forget what we went through because that would be a shame but he makes it easier to look back and smile. Although painful, I wouldn't change a thing because we have him, not a child, him. He is truly our ray of sunshine and a true miracle. We have loved every minute of being parents and have been eager to give him a sibling.

I have always wanted my kids to be closer together in age than farther apart. My sister and I are 18 months apart and I love it! So around Sam's first birthday, we geared up to do IVF again, maybe for the last time. We went through the motions again and were excited to find out we were pregnant once again. What a blessing! Nervous and excited we went to our first ultrasound to find out we were not only pregnant but we were doubly blessed with two strong heartbeats...TWINS! What!? 

First trimester jitters out of the way, we went to our 12 weeks ultrasound. Excited we saw two strong heartbeats again but something was a little off on Baby A. The baby had an early marker that could mean nothing to a heart condition to a chromosomal defect. My heart sunk. I believed it was nothing but over the next two weeks of testing, I was preparing myself to have a child with special needs, most likely Down's Syndrome. We opted not to have an amnio but did a DNA blood test instead. After two weeks of waiting and praying and preparing we got the results. Our baby's chromosomes were completely normal and we were having two girls!! What a miracle! What a relief!

We spent the next two months, watching our baby girls grow and just being blissfully overjoyed at the thought of raising twin girls along with our precious boy. Our family is complete. The time had come for our 20 week ultrasound and I was very nervous. I knew they would be scanning the the anatomy very thoroughly and I just wanted them to be healthy. After about a thousand ultrasound scans, it's easy to read the technicians. When everything looks normal, they are all happy to comment on how perfect your baby looks. When things are not, they get very silent. We have had a lot of quiet ultrasounds. There were a few things that didn't look quite normal to me but I couldn't put my finger on it. They doctor quickly came in after the ultrasound and let us know that a few things were abnormal. She said her heart didn't quite look right (something we had been nervous about since week 12), her right foot appeared to club, and she another marker that pointed towards a chromosomal abnormality. Nothing major but we weren't sure what, if anything, we were dealing with. We already had a test that was negative for the most common abnormalities so we were terrified we were dealing with something extremely rare. But I still felt confident that nothing was wrong. Maybe a heart defect but hopefully nothing too serious that couldn't be fixed. We opted to have an amnio at this point. I'm a need-to-know person so I can be prepared for what is to come. Initial results from the amnio take only a couple of days but the series of tests that come back during that time, we had already been tested for in the DNA blood test so we weren't expecting results for a couple of weeks. Three days later, just after Thanksgiving, our doctor called and wanted to talk to us immediately (never a good sign). My heart sunk once again and all I could think was, "please let it be Down's Syndrome". It's funny when things turn a corner, you find yourself wishing for the very thing you feared the most. 

It was not Down's (Trisomy 21). It was Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. Our initial blood test was wrong. The test is supposed to be 99% accurate. All I knew was that this diagnosis was labeled "incompatible with life". That's a pretty harsh label for such a precious baby. Our world crumbled. After four years of infertility, a miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, we were told we would most likely have to bury our daughter. How could this happen? Were we not exempt from things like this happening to us? That is what I really thought. I thought we had gotten past the hard part. We had endured our trial. This was not happening.  

Anger, crying, screaming, and questioning ensued. Even now I look back to the severe meltdown I had in the shower and it brings me to tears. I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We spent the next month letting things sink in, researching, trying to accept our daughter's fate. It's still, to this day, hard accept because she is doing so well. She is a tiny, little fighter. She does not show many of the typical anomalies that Trisomy 18 babies show. Just a mild club foot and delayed growth. Her heart is perfectly normal and she is a mover. We have been told she can pass away at anytime but if she lives until birth, we should expect her to pass away within a day to a week.

We don't know what to expect but here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with twin girls, trying to enjoy every moment and make memories with her while her heart still beats. I grieve many things daily. I grieve for her sister that they will never get to share that bond of a twin on earth. I grieve for her brother, who is still too young to understand what is happening (which I find a blessing in disguise). I grieve for her loving father, who will not get snuggle his two daughters together in his big, loving arms. She is still very much with us and we are doing well but we haven't had to say goodbye yet. We haven't done the hard part. We are making arrangements and preparing for the many scenarios that might take place. It's an odd feeling. No mother should ever have to think of funeral arrangements while her child moves within her. I used to think, "why us?" but then...why not us? I am not stronger or braver than any other mother so I would be able to "handle" this better. I do not have a better understanding of why these things happen. I've simply been chosen to be this special little girl's mother and I have been honored to carry her for as long as God will let me. I have a knowledge of our mortal purpose here on earth and she will fulfill hers more quickly than mine or yours.

12 weeks...

I thought it would be fun to keep a record of happenings every week so here goes...

12 weeks 0 days

How far along? 12 weeks exactly

Total weight gain? I'm not sure I want to know.  I haven't weighed myself since August so with an IVF cycle, a miscarriage, another IVF cycle and the end of my first trimester...+ 8lbs already! Oh, well.
Maternity clothes? Not yet.  I have bought a pair of maternity stretch pants and they are way comfy but I don't need them yet.
Stretch marks? Nope..hopefully it stays that way!
Sleep? I'm sleeping just fine still.  My schedule gets off when I work nights and that is sometimes hard to recover from.
Best moment this week? Seeing this little bean on ultrasound again!  I had my first OB appointment this week and we saw little one wiggling and    moving all around.  It was crazy how much it has changed in just two weeks.
Miss Anything?  Not really.  I am just so grateful to be pregnant I would give up anything to keep it that way.
Movement? Not yet.
Food cravings? I am trying to decide.  Food for the last few weeks has not been my friend.  I haven't been that sick but nothing ever really sounds good.  I will pretty much eat anything that is put in front of me.  I did take Michael to Jamba Juice at 9pm the other night because a mango smoothie sounded so good.  I can't remember the last time I had a Jamba Juice
Anything making you queasy or sick? Not eating makes me queasy.  Also, we walked by the bikes in Wal-mart the other night and the smell of rubber made me so nauseous!  Weird.
Gender Guess?  I have been going back and forth.  Who really knows. I think girl this week.
Labor Signs? None yet...thank goodness.
Symptoms?  Starving all the time, TIRED, sore boobs were all for the first few weeks.  Now, it's just eating for necessity, sleeping as much as I can, and forgive me for saying but, my boobs are out of control!  People tell me it's just going to get worse!
Belly Button in or out? In.
Happy or Moody most of the time: HAPPY!
Looking forward to: My next ultrasound in a couple of weeks!  I could watch my baby all day.

Realization of the week: I am almost out of my first trimester!  How did I get here?  I thought I would never get past the first trimester.  I admit that I have neurotic thoughts of wondering if my baby still has a heartbeat.  I hope that heading out of the first trimester will relieve my fears a little.  

D&C

We made the choice to have a D&C on Wednesday.  It was difficult to decided to "move things along".  I was hesitant to do anything when I hadn't been checked out in three weeks so I requested one last ultrasound the morning of the surgery.  I had the ultrasound which of course, brought no surprises.  I was still measuring about six weeks when I should be ten.  It was actually 5 weeks 5 days which is about the time where my numbers started getting crappy again.  It was a good thing for me to have that one last reassurance that this was definitely not going to work out.  

We got the U at 8:30a and had the ultrasound.  I didn't need to check into surgery until noon but it didn't make sense to drive all the way home and then turn around 45 minutes later and drive back again so we hung around the hospital for a while. I was inexplicably calm.  I was nervous about general anesthesia and possible complications but I was not upset by the ultrasound or the fact that this pregnancy would be completely over soon.  I guess relief was the emotion of the day.  We have known for too long now that this pregnancy was no good and my body failing to recognize it's job has been a little torturous.  

I checked in at 12n and my surgery was scheduled for 1:30p.  I got into pre-op and waited.  And waited. And waited.  Of course, my surgery was delayed.  I didn't get into the OR until after 4p.  That was almost expected.  Those kind of things always happen to me.  It was a long day.  Unfortunately, longer for Michael than for me.  I got to sleep through some of it.  It was weird being on the other side of surgery.  I am not used to being the one lying on the table. I knew the routine and I knew the risks.  Kind of scary.  I haven't been under general anesthesia since I was 8 years old. But, everything went smoothly.  I woke-up in PACU and was ready to go home and eat!

The recovery has been far less gory than I had been prepared for.  I even went out for a bit yesterday.  Michael was home with me yesterday and today he had to go back to work.  Today has been hard.  It is all kind of hitting me.  I'm not sure what is hitting me exactly? Maybe it's the rapid depletion of hormones or something?  Or maybe I'm slowly becoming aware that once again, I won't be a mom any time soon.  I won't be finding out the gender at Christmas.  I have to survive another Mother's Day without a child.  Yeah, I have things to deal with.  I know I'm gonna have crappy days ahead.  I've sort of been here before.

However, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the husband I do.  I love him fiercely and he loves me.  I have come to realize that none of this really that hard as I have him.  I know now that we can do anything, anything, as long we are together.  I am so grateful for wonderful friends and concerned family that have done anything they can to help us through this.  We are so blessed.  We are so blessed. We are so blessed.

I'm trying to hold onto my faith.  I have a lot of it in there somewhere.  There are moments I can't find it but they are just moments.  I know we will have children.  I have to stop myself from asking "why" because it's just torture.  I won't ever fully understand it in this life.  I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and if I believe in that, I know all of this will be made right.

Sad news...

Our worst fears were confirmed yesterday.  We went in to have the ultrasound and thank goodness it was with the RE. I swear I knew more last week than the NP did.  He found the sac right away and said he was sorry.  It's no longer perfectly round and the baby is still measuring way too small for 8 weeks.  When sacs are not round, it's not healthy and last week I even asked about the irregular shape and if it was normal (which I knew it wasn't) and she just said "it can be".

At first, we were mostly relieved.  Relieved to finally have an answer to our question for 4 weeks.  This limbo thing has been excruciating.  It's unfortunate that I am actually pregnant for the first time and haven't been able to enjoy one moment.  I am not sick which I have predicted for a long time that I would be one of lucky ones.  I am overly tired which has been great since I have an excuse to go to bed early and catch up on all of the sleep I have been lacking for years.  And, I have been able to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself!

The weirdest part of this?  I haven't really cried yet.  I don't know why.  Maybe I have no tears left?  Is that possible?  It's a little unnerving. I just keep waiting for the big meltdown. I had a cute, older patient last night that has 8 children and asked me at the end of my shift if I had any kids.  I told him, "no, not yet".  He shook his finger at me and told me I should not wait any longer.  He went on to tell me he hasn't done much with life.  He hasn't traveled much, never went to graduate school, his career isn't much to boast but he has 8 great kids that are the joy of his life.  I was actually honest with him and told him the truth.  Maybe it was TMI and too much much for a patient/nurse relationship but I hate when people judge me when I tell that we don't have children yet.  They assume I am too career oriented or we simply can't be bothered right now.  He took my hand and said he was so sorry and that Lord knows me and he will not forget my righteous desire.  This all should have set me off but it didn't.  I don't like it.  I want to cry.  I feel like my composure means I don't care.

Where does this leave us in the world of infertility (a place I would desperately like to leave!)?  I don't know. I just know I have to get through what is to come.  The pain of watching my friends have their babies.  The pain of important dates passing us by once again.  Not finding out on Christmas if we are having a boy or girl. Yet another Mother's Day gone. It's all too familiar.

I have to thank our amazing families, our friends, and everybody else that have been so supportive and offered their prayers. We feel so uplifted. Maybe that's why I can't cry? I know nothing else is more important than to have a family that loves you. We are so blessed.  Our ward has been great, strangers have been great.  We couldn't ask for better people to surround us.

Michael Hall, I love you.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone but you.  You are my best friend and I desperately love you.

I don't know what to title this...

I've been wanting to post for quite sometime now but I just haven't had a lot of time or energy. This is what I have been up to:

August 5th: I graduated!!  This was the best day in August.  I finally am done.  I have my diploma and I never have to go to school again if I don't want to (which I will cause I do!)

August 25th: I got a job!  I am working at Intermountain Medical Center on the Neuromedical Unit.  I have been there for 3 weeks now and I am loving it.  It's a HUGE adjustment and I have A LOT to learn but I will get there.  Night shift might just kill me.

September 12th: I passed my boards!  The NCLEX was the hardest test I have ever taken.  Finding out I passed was completely full of drama.  I went to look on DOPL to see if my license was posted with the rest of my classmates that took it that day and to my surprise, my name wasn't there.  I had a complete meltdown, called Michael who was out of town at midnight and told him I had failed.  I was a wreck.  I didn't know how I was ever going to pass this test since it was already so hard. I quickly pulled out my credit card and paid the $8 to get official results and to my surprise again, I passed!  I called DOPL in the morning and she apologized for the mistake.  My file wasn't put in the right place or something.  It was fun going to work the next day and actually being able to sign my name with "RN".

September 1st:  I found out I am pregnant.  I feel robbed because I have not been able to make the announcement to anyone with glee or joy.  We did our second round of IVF in the middle of August and felt really optimistic about this one.  The timing felt right and we felt such peace about the whole thing.  We got the call on September 1st and the nurse told us that the blood test came back positive.  For one split second we were on the moon.  In her next breath she said that the numbers didn't look good and that I needed to be retested and it's been agony ever since.  My numbers continued to climb very slowly until the fourth blood test they shot up to exactly where they needed to be!  We were so relieved and got on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle we had been praying for.  Out next blood test was beautiful as well.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw a pretty little sack and possibly a fetal pole but it was still very early.  We finally felt good about this pregnancy and was able to start getting excited.  Then, a few hours later, they called and said my numbers were crappy again.  That was last week.  I went back yesterday, expecting to see a heartbeat and there was no growth in a week.  I got no information out of them except to stay on my meds and come back in a week for another ultrasound since I have have no signs on miscarriage.  I have been a complete mess for 3 weeks.  I woke-up this morning and didn't even recognize my life.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I said that last time but I really can't do this.  I specifically prayed for this not to happen.  I asked Him if I was going to get pregnant to please let me stay pregnant or have it not work at all.  We were so prepared for this round of IVF to not work at all but we were not in any way prepared for this.  I can't sleep, I still feel pregnant but I think my baby may have stopped growing.  I am devastated beyond belief and I can't seem to make any sense of my life right now.  I am so sick of being this sad person that just wants a baby.

I was blessed with the understanding, very quickly, of why the last cycle didn't work and I ended up being very grateful for it.  I don't understand this at all.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn from all this?  I know I am supposed to have faith in the journey, keep my head up, don't give up, never lose hope, keep my faith in His plan, etc. but oh my gosh, I need to be sad.  I need to be angry.  I am so blessed in my life and I nothing will change that, not even this.  But, I am so mad.  I am not strong enough for this.  I know one day it will all be okay and even know that one day we will have our own children.  It's the in between that I dread because I know the pain that is to come.  I am still pregnant...for now.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am really not.  I am completely devastated once again.  I hate this.  I hate infertility.  I hate this process.  I hate this pain.  I just want my baby. However, I love my husband and my family and all the people who are praying for us.  We are so blessed.

Cyst...

Yay!  The cyst on my fallopian tube is no big deal.  He even said I have the "perfect baby hosting uterus".  Thanks, that makes me feel good but I had the "perfect uterus" last time too.  It's such a different vibe going into IVF #2.  I try to get excited and I am but I find myself with a million reservations.  I have talked to a few IVF veterans and they say it's normal to not be the bright-eyed, naive, optimist that I was during our first cycle.  I guess it's just a natural defense mechanism to be guarded.  I don't find myself talking about it as often or blogging about it or telling the whole world.  I actually feel silly talking about it.  Last time, I couldn't shut-up about how I was so sure it was going to work.  I can't say that this time and I am definitely not sure it will work.  I know very well, first hand, that it could fail even under the best of conditions. I don't want to get hurt again.  However, we are both "cautiously optimistic".  We go back in two weeks to get our calendar, order meds, and pay.  I love the hope that has flooded back into our life.  If we didn't do this because we were too scared, it definitely wouldn't work, huh?  We've got to try.

Oh Yeah...

...I forgot to tell you...we're adopting!  Okay, beginning the process at least.  A couple of months ago we had a rather difficult, heart wrenching albeit AMAZING experience.  We had just received the news of another disappointing sperm analysis.  It was very disappointing because there was some miscommunication and we were told that Michael had "0" sperm".  We thought this for about three days until we called to get a clarification.  He has plenty of sperm left, don't worry.  However, during the three days we thought that our dreams of having any children of our own were over, something amazing/awful happened.

To try to protect feelings, I will keep this short.  The day after we received the results I was reading an article in the Ensign about adoption and being LDS and infertile.  My mom suggested I read it and I ran around looking for copy since our subscription had lapsed.  I was on my bed reading the article, feeling hurt, devastated and angry.  The article was nothing I hadn't read or heard before and I was honestly just feeling bitter.  I didn't want adoption to be my only option.  We always said that if we adopted, we hoped that it would be our decision and not a decision made for us.  Some people choose adoption over treatment right away, it just has not been that easy for us.  As I was reading the article, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I have ever considered adoption.  I gave a simple answer of  "yes".  She asked to come over and talk.  Long story short, she was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby.  At that very moment, my heart was softened.  I immediately loved this baby and knew that I could love it like my own which shamefully, has been my biggest resistance towards adoption, not knowing if I could love another's like my own.  I know other adoptive parents do it so well, I just didn't know if I could.  I do now.

Sparing a week's worth of details and speculation, it didn't work out but for a short while, we thought we were going to be parents this year and the love I felt for that baby...there are no words.  The whole situation was devastating and amazing at the same time.  My heart is bursting at the possibility of adopting.  I can't wait!  After this experience,  we called LDS Family Services and got more information on how to start the process.  We have already had our orientation, which is the first step and are trying to get the word out that we are looking to adopt so officially...

WE ARE ADOPTING!  IF ANY OF MY FIVE READERS KNOW OF ANYONE CONSIDERING PLACING FOR ADOPTION, PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND.

Our orientation went well but after, we decided to hold-off with continuing our paperwork.  At LDSFS, if you are to become pregnant while waiting, you are put on a hold until your baby is 12 months old.  I love this because I think it's very fair.  You have to pay a deposit to continue paperwork and we decided it made more financial sense to wait to see what the outcome of our IVF cycle is (since it is very close).  If it works, we would have $1000 sitting and doing no work for almost 2 years.  We are hoping to get the word out ourselves in the meantime.  I wanted to write this post for so long.  I wanted to wait until I had an adoption blog all pretty and nice but I have no idea when I will get that done before August.  Does anyone want to do it for me?  Ha!  I shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be studying ventilators.

In closing,  I have not done my feelings justice regarding adoption with this post.  I can't articulate at the moment how grateful I am for it and how so badly I hope that this is what my Father in heaven has in store for us.  I love my friend who, in a very difficult situation, turned my heart.  I still love you.

Ugh...

Ugh, I may have to retract my last post.  Hi…it’s me, Danielle, the infertile.  I haven’t written in a while.  Well, that’s not true.  I have written but I have been lacking in follow through.  I would like to blame my insane schedule (which, it totally is) but it’s mostly because I can’t seem to finish a thought, a post, or even a sentence lately. My mind is a tangled web of thought and emotion.  The last ten posts I have started to write are all word vomit.  Not worth mine or anyone else’s time.

I HATE the way I am feeling lately.  Hate it.  A month ago I felt like I was finally getting to place where I was happy.  Reference previous post if you don’t know what I am talking about.  I hope think I feel the same way as I did then.  Today, I am not so sure.  My heart is once again tortured at the thought that we might not get pregnant this year, or the next, or ever.  I am sad today.  I think I feel this way now because I can feel our looming IVF creeping up on us again.  In just one month we meet with our new RE…

We are not going back to the U of U.  I’m kind of sad, kind of excited.  We are going to a clinic in Sandy, Reproductive Care Center.  The REs at the U did their jobs.  Looking back, I do feel like the ball was dropped in a few areas of my cycle but that is not the reason why we are not going back. Simply RCC offers an incentive program, the U does not.  At RCC, we will pay a little more (like $3000) and if our first cycle is not successful, we get do another one for no additional cost.  If it is successful (heaven help me, please), then we are done.  I like knowing that the extra cost will go towards another couple’s cycle.  Basically, it’s insurance.  I have heard wonderful testimonials about RCC and few people I know have had great success there.

The incentive program is the only way I can stomach thinking about doing this again.  I’m starting to get nauseous teary thinking about it.  Honestly, I do not want to do it again.  I don’t.  And honestly, I have been praying for a miracle.  We have been “actively trying” again and it’s a weird place.  A place that seems so far away, so long ago.  I guess it would explain all the emotions I have had lately.  I keep feeling disappointed even though I know our chances of conceiving naturally are less than 0.1% (so they tell us).  It’s probably because I literally get on my knees and beg, everyday.  I want a miracle. I know miracles happen because I’ve seen them. 

I’m just so scared.  It’s hard to willingly put yourself in danger.  Knowing that your world could be shattered…again. Why do we do this?  No explanation needed, I know. Michael surprised me today by saying he feels really optimistic about this cycle.  I was shocked considering a week ago he felt worse than I do now.  I wish I felt the same.  Some days I do, I guess.  We are both terrified of the financial end of this rotten deal.  Last time we were fortunate enough to have the money.  This time, not so much.  I hate money.  A necessary evil.  We are both scared of taking out a $15,000 loan and making monthly payments that could be a potential reminder of constant disappointment, sadness, and empty arms.  The only thing that fifteen grand bought us last time was a broken heart.  

However, despite all of these feelings, we move on…we move forward.  As much as I don’t want to do it, of course, we will anyway.  I think I am turning into a masochist.  Heaven help me, please.

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.

Negative...

Forgive me if this is all over the place.  I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down.  How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time?  I feel angry.  At who?  I don't know but I want someone or something to blame.  I'm definitely in denial.  I don't believe it yet.  I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work.  I do not accept it.  I keep searching for a way to make it right.  This was supposed to work, it had to work.  There was not a reason why it should not have.  I feel lost.  So, so lost.  This was our life for an entire year.  We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated.  We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement.  We saved up our money to have a baby.  I'm lost because I don't where to go from here.  What is next?  There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out.  I had plans, I was prepared for what was next.  I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news.  I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward.  I don't know where to go or what to do?  Somebody help me.  I feel like fool.  I feel foolish and like I've been tricked.  I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work.  That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless.  I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't.  I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic.  Should I not have been?  We were told we had no reason not be optimistic.  This was perfect.  Our embryos were perfect.  I'm healthy.  Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs.  Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary.  Why?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  What?  Have I not suffered enough?  I pleaded with God not to let this happen.  I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear.  They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.  Right now, I don't believe that.  I don't feel like I will survive this.  I feel like my body let me down.  I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens.  So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work.  I'm numb.  I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up.  I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out.  I'm not ready to deal with the real pain.  I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me.  Oh, Michael.  I wish I could take it all away from him.  I know he still feels responsible for all this.  He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me.  My heart has never hurt so bad.  Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew.  I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true.  I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment.  I didn't want him to feel responsible.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to say  sorry.  He does not.  Neither of us did but we both kept saying it.  I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning.  I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test.  Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight.  I couldn't look at it.  I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes.  Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone.  I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line.  I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no.  This cannot be happening!  This is not real.  It's just another dream.  A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week.  Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too.  Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins.  Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again.  I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative.  Not a hint of line.  We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test.  The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did.  Lots of people do.  We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out.  If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing.  Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other.  No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news.  I'm glad I am with him today.  I can't even be out of the same room as him right now.  I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked.  I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate.  I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different.  That almost never happens.  Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all.  I know in my heart I am not one of those people.  The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine.  I hate this.  I feel ill.  Deep down I feel like I knew this.  It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason.  I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown.  I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around.  I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart.  We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for.  I never did.  I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer.  I knew what it meant.  I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative?  I want to go back there.  I want to go back to having that hope again.  It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth.  I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved.  It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line.  We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix.  This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative.  This is devastation defined.  How can a heart so broken still be beating?  The human body really is amazing.  I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now.  Where do we go from here? I don't know.  On vacation?  Do we try again now?  Do we try again at all?  Do we learn to live childless?  I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle.  How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again?  This was supposed to be perfect.  My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby).  I feel like I lost a life.  Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents.  We were ready, we are ready.  I don't know what this life is.  This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us.  I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to.  I guess I could go on and on.  I'm feeling too much.  Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless.  I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is.  I'm broken and I need to be fixed.  Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant.  It would not be what I was expecting to hear.  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
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It's now 2pm.  We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process.  They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate.  They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative.  I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer.  We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news.  No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say.  All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us.  I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.