Sad news...

Our worst fears were confirmed yesterday.  We went in to have the ultrasound and thank goodness it was with the RE. I swear I knew more last week than the NP did.  He found the sac right away and said he was sorry.  It's no longer perfectly round and the baby is still measuring way too small for 8 weeks.  When sacs are not round, it's not healthy and last week I even asked about the irregular shape and if it was normal (which I knew it wasn't) and she just said "it can be".

At first, we were mostly relieved.  Relieved to finally have an answer to our question for 4 weeks.  This limbo thing has been excruciating.  It's unfortunate that I am actually pregnant for the first time and haven't been able to enjoy one moment.  I am not sick which I have predicted for a long time that I would be one of lucky ones.  I am overly tired which has been great since I have an excuse to go to bed early and catch up on all of the sleep I have been lacking for years.  And, I have been able to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself!

The weirdest part of this?  I haven't really cried yet.  I don't know why.  Maybe I have no tears left?  Is that possible?  It's a little unnerving. I just keep waiting for the big meltdown. I had a cute, older patient last night that has 8 children and asked me at the end of my shift if I had any kids.  I told him, "no, not yet".  He shook his finger at me and told me I should not wait any longer.  He went on to tell me he hasn't done much with life.  He hasn't traveled much, never went to graduate school, his career isn't much to boast but he has 8 great kids that are the joy of his life.  I was actually honest with him and told him the truth.  Maybe it was TMI and too much much for a patient/nurse relationship but I hate when people judge me when I tell that we don't have children yet.  They assume I am too career oriented or we simply can't be bothered right now.  He took my hand and said he was so sorry and that Lord knows me and he will not forget my righteous desire.  This all should have set me off but it didn't.  I don't like it.  I want to cry.  I feel like my composure means I don't care.

Where does this leave us in the world of infertility (a place I would desperately like to leave!)?  I don't know. I just know I have to get through what is to come.  The pain of watching my friends have their babies.  The pain of important dates passing us by once again.  Not finding out on Christmas if we are having a boy or girl. Yet another Mother's Day gone. It's all too familiar.

I have to thank our amazing families, our friends, and everybody else that have been so supportive and offered their prayers. We feel so uplifted. Maybe that's why I can't cry? I know nothing else is more important than to have a family that loves you. We are so blessed.  Our ward has been great, strangers have been great.  We couldn't ask for better people to surround us.

Michael Hall, I love you.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone but you.  You are my best friend and I desperately love you.