Update...I'm back...Again...

I've been a terrible blogger over the last months.  I blame it on the fact that I feel like if not talking about infertility, then I'm not being honest which is kind of dumb, I know.  I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I made a few goals for myself over the last several months and the most daunting one was to enjoy my life as is. I have a great life and I have never been able to deny that.  I am so blessed.  I get to spend everyday in a warm house that we can afford, I have enough food, I am married to the most handsome, funniest, smartest guy I have ever met, and we are still gag-me-with-a-spoon in love, etc.  But, I felt I was wasting moments that I should be enjoying more because of our childless state.  I have always known that some way or another, I would be a mom.  I tried to remind myself everyday to enjoy those childless moments that I have now.  Getting out of bed when I feel like it (it's 1:00pm and I haven't moved from it yet...don't judge, I worked four nights in a row), going to movies at the last minute, going anywhere at the last minute, having a somewhat clean and unbroken house, etc.  So, I made a goal to enjoy these moments more and not talking about infertility has really helped.  That is why I haven't blogged recently.  I'm back.  I fear that I did not have enough time to meet my goal fully because not long after I made it, this happened:

11.5 weeks
BABY HALL due SEPTEMBER 1, 2012

I guess "happened" is the wrong word.  This did not "happen" on it's own.  After the miscarriage, I was dying to try again.  I couldn't bear going through the holidays with nothing happening, even though I knew it could have potentially made our holidays a disaster.  We had one, just one, embryo on ice.  I was certain that it would fail. I felt like the FET was just a stepping stone to being able to do a fresh cycle (which the thought of nauseated me) and a chance for real success.

We told no one except for people at my work.  There was still a lot of appointments and I couldn't take care of certain infectious patients.  It's much easier to keep an FET a secret than a full fresh cycle.  We transferred on December 15th and the blood tests were on Dec. 23rd and Dec. 26th (my clinic does not tell you anything until after the second blood test).  The clinic was closed both days so I had to go somewhere else to get my blood drawn.  I went to my hospital, which of course allowed me to access my own medical records.  Michael and I had heated discussions about taking a home pregnancy test before Christmas or accessing the blood tests before Christmas.  I wanted to; he did not.  I felt like the anticipation was way worse than knowing, dealing, and having Christmas to cheer me up.  He felt the opposite.  He was afraid of a negative outcome ruining Christmas.  The few days leading to the blood test were full of distractions.  I had family here and it was full of holiday festivities.  I started to get excited because a part of me felt I was pregnant. I was starving every 3 hours and I was TIRED.  However, I was still a wreck before and after that first blood test. I was starting the think I was underestimating how devastated I would be with a negative test.  Michael and I never really came to an agreement about finding out the results.  I wasn't going to look or take a test because he felt so strongly about it, and he just assumed I was going to and was going to deal with it possibly ruining Christmas.  So, when the day came, he was a little irritated that I said I wasn't going to look or take a test because he had already wrapped his head around knowing that day.

I went to a quiet IHC lab, had my blood drawn and asked when "stat" results were posted to the medical record.  The phleb said 45 minutes.  Three hours later, after hitting refresh about a thousand times, a beautiful number of 103 came up on the screen.  I was pregnant.  I squealed, I cried, I called Michael.  He knew from
the sound of my voice.  I went to work, only to be told to go home and celebrate.  I had the best Christmas present ever.  I didn't need anything else.

The day after Christmas, I went to have my blood drawn again. I was nervous again.  This is the part that did not go so well for us last time.  I had a great number but it needed to double.  I was just going to wait until my clinic called but they called and said they hadn't seen the results yet.  I panicked and went online on my phone and there was a nice number next to the 103...460!  It had more than doubled.  I was so happy!  460 is quite a large number for 10 days post transfer.  I started wondering of embryos splitting and identical twins.  My clinic called and gave me the good news.  The NP asked if I cheated and I fessed-up.  She said she would have too. I had another blood draw 10 days after that and it only needed to be around 1200...it was 6325.  I got scheduled for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to "see how many are in there".  Just one.  A relief.

I have had four ultrasounds (the one of few beauties of infertility...heavy monitoring) and every ultrasound has looked perfect. I had my first OB appointment this week and baby is measuring ahead of schedule.  I have hesitated to publish this post.  Although I don't really believe in jinxes, it just all seems too good to be true. I am nearing the end of my first trimester (I am 12 weeks today) and it still doesn't seem real.  I will post about the pregnancy so far, later.  Michael and I were a mess before our first ultrasound because we never really got so far as to see a heartbeat last time.  I guess we keep expecting bad news which is horrible but it is very hard not to.  So far, no bad news...just amazing blessings, left and right.

Still Just Waiting...

If I ever had doubts about being so public and forthcoming with our infertility, they have been put to rest these past few days.  I am overwhelmed by the prayers and support of family, friends, acquaintances, and honestly, people I barely know or don't know at all.  When I was on bed rest, I felt great.  I was glowing.  I woke-up every morning hopeful and full of the knowledge that I was a little "pregnant".  Since getting back to life and my routine, something has changed.  I am trying so hard to stay positive and stay faithful but honestly, I'm terrified right now.  I hate that I wake-up every morning with the thought that it might be all over.  I cry several times a day, maybe for a good reason, maybe not.  One minute I know I'm pregnant, the next, I'm asking myself why this didn't work.  And, the only thing that keeps me going is Michael and the fact the so many people, near and far, are rooting for us.  I have been moved to tears (not hard to do right now) with the outpouring of prayers, encouragement, and support that we have received.  Some of my favorites...I hope they don't mind me sharing:


Dear Danielle
Just a quick not to let you know how much I have been praying for you the last few months. I woke up early this morning and began my fast and began to pray - as I was praying, I was overcome with the thought that not only was I praying for you and Michael, I was actually praying for a little life. That was huge....and brings it tears to my eyes. Please know how much I am touched by your faith and your determination. I have watched you grow up into this intelligent, beautiful and precious young woman. I know there are beautiful blessings in store for you and I count it an honor to be praying for you, Michael & YOUR little one.

Much love

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A list of my wishes

1.) My wish, for her, is comfort and peace. She is so brave. Far braver that I could ever be. She has faced something so difficult. Selfishly, I don't think I could have done it... and yet, she did it... does it selflessly. I cannot give her assurance. I wish, though, for her to find comfort and for her to find peace, somewhere, in this scary time of "What If".

2.) My wish, for him, is to know. To know how much I love him. To know how much I value his friendship. To know that shooting zombies is one of the best memories I have. To know that my life is a better place with him in it. To know that I admire him for the husband he is and the father he will be. To know that my heart breaks every time his does. To know that he is one of the greatest men I know... and one of the best frieds I have.

3.) My wish, for them, is happiness. They have earned it. They deserve it. And, I want it for them so bad. If I could do anything to help I would. I hope they know that.

~In the book that is my memory, on the page that begins the chapter of the day I met you [both], appear the words 'Here begins a new life.'

xoxoxox ~ I love you both!!!!

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I love it when people tell me this is going to work.  I know they don't really know it will but I believe them with all my heart and that is all I have right now.  It fuels my good moments.  Right now, I believe this will work.  I am too scared to take any more pregnancy tests (I took a couple to see if the trigger was out of my system...it is).  I have seen far too many single lines in the last couple years to want to even go near them again.  


I have faith in my Heavenly Father (whom I speak with many times a day) that he will bless us.  We have become so close and I know he hears my prayers.  I have promised to take good care of the child He sends us, His child.  I ache for the opportunity.  For now, I'm still waiting.

First Baby Picture...

Our babies' first picture!  The one on the bottom is a high quality blastocyst and the top one is a even higher quality early blastocyst.  I love them...is that weird?