36 Weeks...Tick, Tock

Here's a fun little comparison. I will try and snap some pictures this week. I kind of want to be the girl on the left. Her eyes are smiling and she is feeling the joy you ought to be feeling when you're 37 weeks pregnant.

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain: 21lbs! It's crazy how I tried to not put on too much weight with Sam and gained 30 lbs and I tried like crazy to gain at least that much and it's been difficult to put it on. 

Sleep? I can't believe I'm saying this but I have been sleeping better the last week than I have in months. It's still not great but so much better. Elena dropped and I feel like I can breathe better, my reflux is better, and I generally have more energy. Don't let this fool you into thinking I feel "good" but I definitely feel better. Getting a better nights rest really helps. I'm still up a couple of night to pee and to flip over. Not roll over. Flip over...like a fish. One swift motion.

Best moment of the week?  I am overwhelmed with the love, support, and kindness we have been shown over this pregnancy but especially over the last few weeks. I have been a little resistant to accepting help because I am still working; i.e. not on bed rest and I guess it's just in ones nature to have a "I can do everything" attitude. I definitely can't do it all and have been grateful for the help. This past week, the Relief Society organized babysitting everyday for Sam (which I attribute to having more energy) and left a "Love Box" on our porch. It's a box that people can come and drop off anything they want. We have had something everyday from toys for Sam to treats to notes of encouragement and love.

Miss anything? Me. I miss me. Honestly, I'm not in a great place right now. I am afraid. I'm about to deliver these girls and I'm terrified. The anxiety has set in and we just can't plan anything from now on. I should be overcome with joy but instead all I feel is dread and I cry over anything. How am I supposed to do this? I wish there was an instruction manual to tell me what I'm supposed to do and how the finish product will look. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to survive this?

Movement? Yes. They are running out of room and I can't feel Cora sometimes which of course stresses me out. She is very deep against my spine (that feels wonderful!) and she's tiny so I don't feel her like I feel Elena.

Food cravings? Just chocolate. I have been trying to eat as much as I can the last couple of weeks to put some weight on these girls. They will be small, especially Cora, who was estimated at 3 lbs. a couple of weeks ago. Elena was just over 5 lbs. I'm hoping for 3.5 lbs and 6 lbs. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. My reflux is actually better now that Elena has dropped and I can't believe how much better I feel! Thank you, Miss B.

Labor signs? Lots of contractions! Lots. But who knows if they are doing much. My OB checked me at 34 weeks (ouch!) and I was 60% effaced and not dilated, which was good at 34 weeks. I'm ready now. I will see on Monday if these contractions have been working their magic. Fingers crossed...I would really rather go on my own than be induced. I have been really worried this past week that I wasn't going to make it to 36 weeks and my doctor was also out of town for a couple days and I really want him to be there. After all this anxiety, I will probably need to be induced. I just don't feel like it will happen on it's own in the next 5 days. We'll see.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? A little reflux, heartburn, contractions.

Happy or Moody? Very moody. I feel bad for Michael because I feel like I have been snappy with him. You always hurt the ones you love most, huh? I'm am so on edge and I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. It's making me a little crazy. Sorry, Michael.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. Yes, I'm still working. It is really hard but I'm managing. I have two more shifts this week and then I'm done. I was concerned about going into labor last week but these upcoming shifts are welcome to speed things up so I will do my best to make it through them.

Realization of the week? These girls will be here in 6 days or less! It will be the longest 6 days of my life. Each day that goes by, the more scared I am of Cora passing away. There are some fetal conditions that babies do better inside the womb but these Trisomy 18 babies aren't necessarily safer inside. She is just as likely to pass away now as she is when she's born, especially at this later stage. Her growth has really slowed (measuring almost 5 weeks behind now) and she has developed a cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heart beat). We just don't know how well she will do until she's born. Statistically, she won't have long.

I really can't believe we are here sometimes. Can this really be happening? My prayer is that Cora will live long enough for us to say hello and goodbye and that we may find peace in all this. I'm trying not to be afraid because faith and fear can not coexist. I have faith that God can perform miracles and our miracle would be that we can have a little time with Cora.

34 Weeks...

How far along? 34.3 weeks

Total weight gain: Back up to 19lbs...another official weigh in tomorrow.

Sleep? No. As I was admitting that the last two nights haven't been too bad except waking up to pee a few times, the next night was the worst ever. I just couldn't get comfortable. My belly is so heavy that laying on my side pulls at my back. No amount of pillows will really solve this problem. I'm never comfortable for too long, sleeping or awake.

Best moment of the week?  I'm really trying to stay positive. Really. My mom and dad arrived...for good. Still emotional about them selling their house in California but I'm thrilled they are around forever. It's a wonderful thing to have your family near by. We will just be missing my brother, Collin. Hopefully he will visit often.

Miss anything? Sleep and being comfortable (see above). I'm pretty much never comfortable. Sitting, standing, laying down. It doesn't matter. People tell me I'm still relatively small for having twins at almost 35 weeks but it's deceiving. My belly is super heavy and pulls every which way. The girls are also running out of room so they jab my in all sorts of places. That doesn't always feel good.

Movement? Yes. I do love feeling them move. I know I will miss it. I'm really trying to enjoy every movement, even though it doesn't feel great all the time. I've heard of babies waking their moms at night. That doesn't happen to me. Thanks, girls!

Food cravings? Reese's Easter eggs and Cadbury mini eggs. Yum! I can't eat them all the time because my heartburn and reflux makes me lose my appetite. Also, Honeycrisp apples. They are these incredibly expensive breed of apple but they are huge and yummy! I usually only buy 2-3 at time because of the $3.99/lb price tag.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Heartburn, reflux and vomiting...oh, my! Mechanically, my stomach and esophagus just doesn't work right now. I have to stick to small meals and food that comes back up nicely. I haven't been vomiting everyday but I do have to fight it when I eat a little too much.

Labor signs? Umm, I think so? I contract all the time, resting or not. I guess we will see tomorrow if they are doing anything. The babies have not dropped. I have not lost my plug. My contractions are not regular or painful.  I didn't get to go into labor with Sam so I have no idea what to expect as far as going into labor goes. Regardless, I really don't think it will be much longer. I would put money on somewhere between the 36th-37th week. If I don't go before the 28th, I will be induced. I would much rather go on my own and I'm hoping to hold out until 36 weeks. Either way, we are close!

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Reflux, heartburn, pain. The usual.

Happy or Moody? Emotional. Very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat but I also am experiencing a fair amount of joy. I can't wait to meet these girls! It's not all tears of sadness. I'm also anxious for the delivery and all the many scenarios that may take place regarding Cora. We just don't know how she will do. We are still praying for a miracle.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. It's getting pretty hard to work a 12 hour shift. Everyone at work is so great. They really try to make it easy on me and I really appreciate it.

Realization of the week? Less than 2.5 weeks, tops! I am so looking forward to meeting these girls! I can't wait to see Sam as a big brother (poor boy won't know what hit him). I'm already so in love with these babies. I still can't believe I'm having girls. Setting up the nursery was surreal with all the little dresses and bows. It still hasn't quite sunk in. 

Guest post...

I have been asked by a lovely friend to do a guest post on her blog here. I'm honored, especially since I don't feel like I'm a great writer or have any profound or eloquent insight to life. I'm just honest about my feelings and hope that my experiences and feelings can help others in my situation so they may not feel so alone. Everyone has a story to tell and this is mine...

Michael and I met in 2006 and were married later that year. I honestly never really thought about having children until I met him. I always knew that I wanted children and would get married, wait a couple of years, get pregnant, you know, the usual steps. I met, fell in love, and married Michael and I could not believe how much I wanted to have a baby right away. I wanted to be a mother and really wanted to make Michael a father. We were both still in school and wanted to enjoy the time we had together so we didn't do anything hasty but the urge was there and I couldn't wait until we were "ready".

Fast forward to 2008. After about 18 months of marriage and Michael's graduation, we felt like it was time to start "trying". I assumed, probably like most, that we would get pregnant pretty quickly. The first and second months were disappointing but maybe expected. The subsequent months of negative pregnancy tests and watching other people get pregnant was progressively, excruciatingly painful. Anyone wanting to be pregnant and it's not happening knows this pain. After 10 months, we decided it's time to start poking about to see if everything was okay in the fertility world. After several tests, we found out that no, things were not okay. We needed in vitro fertilization (IVF) to have our children. Other people hear of a diagnosis like this and think, problem solved but it's not that simple or unemotional. It's a devastating diagnosis. IVF is emotional, painful, time consuming and above all, expensive. I don't know many that have an extra $15,000 stuffed in their mattresses. It took us a year to be able to afford our first round of IVF. Trying to relay the emotional roller coaster that is infertility cyberspace than I have so feel free to head into the archives of my blog read about those months and years of heartache and joy.

To sum up 4 long years of infertility, we attempted our first round of IVF. We were so confident it would work, they might as well have just handed us a baby. But yet again, another negative test. Up until recently, that was the worst day of my life. A year of saving a lot of money and anticipating finally becoming pregnant, it didn't work. We didn't know what we were going to do or how we were going to afford to do it again. Fast forward a whole year and we were ready to try again. Different doctor, different plan and we found out we were finally pregnant! That joy lasted a split second because we quickly realized it was not a healthy pregnancy and after 10 weeks of waiting and hoping and praying, I had a D&C. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. We were devastated once again. How could this happen? Honestly, the miscarriage was not as devastating as the first IVF failure because I was happy to know that I could get pregnant. We had one frozen embryo left from our second cycle and it was something we did as soon as we could to "get it over with". After two failures, you kind of anesthetize yourself to the situation and go through the motions. After 4 years, we found out we were finally pregnant and it seem to be a healthy pregnancy. Nine months later, this little monkey was born...

Sam, around 14 months

My pregnancy was joyful, easy and exciting. I will say, having a child makes the heartache of infertility dull and distant. I will never forget what we went through because that would be a shame but he makes it easier to look back and smile. Although painful, I wouldn't change a thing because we have him, not a child, him. He is truly our ray of sunshine and a true miracle. We have loved every minute of being parents and have been eager to give him a sibling.

I have always wanted my kids to be closer together in age than farther apart. My sister and I are 18 months apart and I love it! So around Sam's first birthday, we geared up to do IVF again, maybe for the last time. We went through the motions again and were excited to find out we were pregnant once again. What a blessing! Nervous and excited we went to our first ultrasound to find out we were not only pregnant but we were doubly blessed with two strong heartbeats...TWINS! What!? 

First trimester jitters out of the way, we went to our 12 weeks ultrasound. Excited we saw two strong heartbeats again but something was a little off on Baby A. The baby had an early marker that could mean nothing to a heart condition to a chromosomal defect. My heart sunk. I believed it was nothing but over the next two weeks of testing, I was preparing myself to have a child with special needs, most likely Down's Syndrome. We opted not to have an amnio but did a DNA blood test instead. After two weeks of waiting and praying and preparing we got the results. Our baby's chromosomes were completely normal and we were having two girls!! What a miracle! What a relief!

We spent the next two months, watching our baby girls grow and just being blissfully overjoyed at the thought of raising twin girls along with our precious boy. Our family is complete. The time had come for our 20 week ultrasound and I was very nervous. I knew they would be scanning the the anatomy very thoroughly and I just wanted them to be healthy. After about a thousand ultrasound scans, it's easy to read the technicians. When everything looks normal, they are all happy to comment on how perfect your baby looks. When things are not, they get very silent. We have had a lot of quiet ultrasounds. There were a few things that didn't look quite normal to me but I couldn't put my finger on it. They doctor quickly came in after the ultrasound and let us know that a few things were abnormal. She said her heart didn't quite look right (something we had been nervous about since week 12), her right foot appeared to club, and she another marker that pointed towards a chromosomal abnormality. Nothing major but we weren't sure what, if anything, we were dealing with. We already had a test that was negative for the most common abnormalities so we were terrified we were dealing with something extremely rare. But I still felt confident that nothing was wrong. Maybe a heart defect but hopefully nothing too serious that couldn't be fixed. We opted to have an amnio at this point. I'm a need-to-know person so I can be prepared for what is to come. Initial results from the amnio take only a couple of days but the series of tests that come back during that time, we had already been tested for in the DNA blood test so we weren't expecting results for a couple of weeks. Three days later, just after Thanksgiving, our doctor called and wanted to talk to us immediately (never a good sign). My heart sunk once again and all I could think was, "please let it be Down's Syndrome". It's funny when things turn a corner, you find yourself wishing for the very thing you feared the most. 

It was not Down's (Trisomy 21). It was Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. Our initial blood test was wrong. The test is supposed to be 99% accurate. All I knew was that this diagnosis was labeled "incompatible with life". That's a pretty harsh label for such a precious baby. Our world crumbled. After four years of infertility, a miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, we were told we would most likely have to bury our daughter. How could this happen? Were we not exempt from things like this happening to us? That is what I really thought. I thought we had gotten past the hard part. We had endured our trial. This was not happening.  

Anger, crying, screaming, and questioning ensued. Even now I look back to the severe meltdown I had in the shower and it brings me to tears. I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We spent the next month letting things sink in, researching, trying to accept our daughter's fate. It's still, to this day, hard accept because she is doing so well. She is a tiny, little fighter. She does not show many of the typical anomalies that Trisomy 18 babies show. Just a mild club foot and delayed growth. Her heart is perfectly normal and she is a mover. We have been told she can pass away at anytime but if she lives until birth, we should expect her to pass away within a day to a week.

We don't know what to expect but here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with twin girls, trying to enjoy every moment and make memories with her while her heart still beats. I grieve many things daily. I grieve for her sister that they will never get to share that bond of a twin on earth. I grieve for her brother, who is still too young to understand what is happening (which I find a blessing in disguise). I grieve for her loving father, who will not get snuggle his two daughters together in his big, loving arms. She is still very much with us and we are doing well but we haven't had to say goodbye yet. We haven't done the hard part. We are making arrangements and preparing for the many scenarios that might take place. It's an odd feeling. No mother should ever have to think of funeral arrangements while her child moves within her. I used to think, "why us?" but then...why not us? I am not stronger or braver than any other mother so I would be able to "handle" this better. I do not have a better understanding of why these things happen. I've simply been chosen to be this special little girl's mother and I have been honored to carry her for as long as God will let me. I have a knowledge of our mortal purpose here on earth and she will fulfill hers more quickly than mine or yours.

29 Weeks...

How far along? 29.4 weeks

Total weight gain: 19lbs. Not too bad. I thought it would be more but I really don't eat nearly as much as I should but I'm not worried since they are monitored so closely and gaining weight appropriately.

Sleep? Sleep? What is that? I would probably be sleeping a little better if we weren't deathly ill in this house. Between Sam and I, no one is sleeping.

Best moment of the week?  My baby shower! My friend, Joy, and my sisters put together a beautiful, girly shower for our girls. There was a head band making station and beautiful memory books people could write in. I was not as emotional as I thought I would be but it definitely was surreal. I don't think it has sunk in that I'm having two girls. I've been in boy mode for so long and I haven't bought anything yet so opening all the girly clothes was a trip for me. It did make me a little sad knowing Cora may not get to enjoy all the beautiful, pink things she got but they are hers and I like knowing that even though they are just "things", they belong to her.

Miss anything?  Being healthy. Oh, I thought I was miserable before being sick. This is horrible. I'm currently fighting the flu and Sam is too. I've been praying for Michael to stay healthy and so far, so good. So much for flu shots.

Movement? Yes. Wiggly little girls. Seriously, they never stop. Last appointment they were both head down and now Cora is breech again. The little monkey had better flip again.

Food cravings? I wish I could eat anything at all. I have ZERO appetite right now being sick. I force myself to choke something down even though I can't taste it.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Nope. I'm lucky this illness is all respiratory and nothing to do with GI. That would be truly unbearable.

Labor signs? No. Although, I've had to have my doctor reassure me that my water can't break or my uterus rupture from coughing. I really think I pulled a muscle in my belly from coughing.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? The usual aches and pains. I'm never completely comfortable. I always said that if I was ever fortunate to get pregnant, I would NEVER complain. Well, I complain...a lot. I feel bad when I do but it is so hard on the body to carry two babies. I can't breathe well, my body aches, and I don't sleep well. I think I finally have my heartburn under control. I started taking Zantac and that has really helped. A couple of facts about my body...my belly button has popped out. It never did pop out with Sam's pregnancy but it definitely has with this one. I also found my first stretch mark (ever) this week. I was pretty traumatized. It's a doozy. I never got any with Sam and assumed that I never would. At 29 weeks and a bit more to grow, I'm terrified for what's to come.

Happy or Moody? Moody mostly. It's just the sickness. I can't wait to feel better. Happy my girls are still with us and happy that we have another week under our belt.

Looking forward to...?  Being in the thirties. I feel like we have been in the twenties forever!  

Realization of the week? We are in the single digits on the countdown! Only 8-9 weeks left! The plan is to get me to 38 weeks and then we will be meeting these girls! I will be induced on 4/4/14 if I don't go on my own by then. Things are looking great for a vaginal delivery. It appears Elena (baby B) is going to make her entrance first which is favorable since she is bigger and will be able to fully dilate me. They were both head down at my last appointment which they said was unlikely to change at this point but I went back this week because of this flu and Cora had flipped again. She is small so I'm not surprised. Hopefully she will flip again soon and stay put.

29 weeks

27 Weeks...Hello Third Trimester!

Hello third trimester! You have no idea how much I have been longing to see you! After over a month of feeling like time was standing still, I finally feel like I'm making progress. I'm floored by how quickly the last week went by. I just hope the next weeks go by as quickly.

Lots have happened here lately. I've been keeping a little journal on the side and I hope to post some of those thoughts on the blog but it's seriously so hard to do anything like that with "Hurricane Sam" running around. We have been in the middle of finishing our basement for about 6 months now. It's finally looking like it will be "done" within the week. By "done" I mean livable. It will be another little while before the bathroom is completely finished. All the contents of the basement are currently sitting in the girls' room and I'm getting really antsy or "nesty" to get the room in order. I had a major meltdown yesterday. Our house is covered in drywall dust, "stuff" is everywhere is shouldn't be, our garage is full of construction items. I can't handle it anymore. I know, first world problems, right? I feel like a ticking time bomb. I'm confident these babies aren't coming any time soon but I feel like I have an expiration date. Things are getting tougher. Work is harder, changing Sam's diaper is harder, going to the grocery store is harder. We were at the store yesterday and after several times of Sam dropping his toy on the floor, I just left it. I couldn't bend over to pick it up one more time. So, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by the things we need to prepare for and I have a really hard time asking for or accepting help. The Relief Society has been great and gave me a list of people willing to watch Sam. I need to be more gracious and take them up on it. When I work, it's difficult to recover the next day and I need to rest. Anyway, here are the 27 weeks stats.

How far along? 27 weeks

Total weight gain? I'm not sure. 15+ lbs so far. I go back to the doctor in a week and half. We will see then.

Sleep? Not great. I was so spoiled with Sam's pregnancy. I slept great until the very end with my pregnancy pillow with him. It takes me 10 minutes to get in the right position and then I inevitably have to get up and go the bathroom! I toss and turn a lot and the heartburn is starting to wake me up at night. Or is it the peeing that wakes me up and I just happen to have heartburn? Michael has been great and gets up with Sam when he wakes up at night which is happening frequently (he is cutting four molars, poor baby).

Best moment of the week?  Michael surprised me for my birthday and took me to get a 3D ultrasound of the girls! It was a special day. Elena was not so cooperative but Cora was all smiles for the camera after some persuasion. She looks great and is so beautiful. It was fun to see her wiggling around. It did tug at my heart a little. It's just so hard to accept sometimes, especially when she is moving all around and smiling. 

Miss anything?  Sleep, bending over, standing up without effort...things of this nature.

Movement? Yes! All.the.time. I get nervous when they stop because it doesn't seem normal for them not to be moving. I'm getting better at telling which one is moving so that is comforting. Little Miss Cora hasn't moved as much as she usually does today. It makes me nervous but then she will be acting like a monkey later tonight.

Food cravings? Lemonade and water.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Nope. I'm lucky.

Labor signs? No, no. I've hit 27 weeks. There is a running joke in my family about the "27 week curse". That is when my sister's water broke with her preemie and I had a bleeding episode with Sam. Those both happened in California so hopefully I'm safe!

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Heartburn...Tums are still my best friend. I've had this off and on groin pain. I never experienced it with Sam but oh me, oh my! I can't breathe most of the time. Being pregnant with two is so much different than one. Duh! I didn't expect it though. I thought it would be easy breezy honestly. I was wrong.

Happy or Moody? I'm happy. Something changed this week. After the 3D ultrasound, I have started to feel like we will be blessed with time with Cora. I don't know why I feel this way and don't know if it's intuition, hope, or just a strong desire. It makes me uneasy feeling this way because I have been so wrong about so many things. I knew that everything was going to be okay and it's not. My attitude has definitely shifted though. I'm having two girls and I am trying to plan for that as normally as anyone would. There is a part of me that wishes no one knew about the diagnosis. I don't like people treating me differently or treating the expectations of the pregnancy differently than they would others. At the same time, I am deeply grateful for people checking up on me and asking how I am doing because I really need that. I would be equally annoyed if people just disappeared (some already have) and never recognized the situation. I want people and myself to freely talk about Cora and ask questions but I know I can't control the way people feel about it. Can you see the conflicting emotions?

Looking forward to...?  Our next visit with Angel Watch next week. I guess we start birth planning  so I'm excited. 

Realization of the week? Anything can happen. A month ago, I felt like we were handed a death sentence. I have since learned that I should expect anything. She could live. There are living T18 babies everywhere. I know this is not the norm but there is so much doctors don't know. They just lump these babies into one diagnosis and prognosis but every case is so different. I think our doctor has been honest with us regarding his experience with these kids and it's not great but I know we can have some time with her.

Here is our little monkey, Miss Cora Lynn, aka Baby A

Thoughts...

I have been itching to write down my feeling. I really should start carrying a notebook because I have these thoughts that I want to remember and when I get a chance to sit down and blog, they are gone. It's hard to write on the computer when you have a monkey trying to "help" type. I really don't know how these "mommy bloggers" do it? I could do it at nap time but that is also my nap time as well.

Does anyone else feel like there is a dark cloud looming over 2013? I feel like everywhere I turn there is another story of poor prenatal diagnosis, babies and children passing away, marriages breaking up, cancer diagnosis, etc. I cannot handle it right now. It makes me a little terrified but also hopeful that 2014 will be a blessed year for everyone and that all these families can find peace. I admit I have sought out these stories a little for the sake of information and research but not most. I finally had to close my computer and take a break for a week because I just couldn't read one more story of heartache and grief. It was becoming too much for my heart and soul. I was internalizing so much of these trisomy stories, that I felt like I will never be happy again and that no baby will ever be born healthy again. I haven't gotten back on the computer yet as far as learning about what is going on with our baby girl. What is going on with her?

Gosh, it is so hard to accept that she is not well. On ultrasound, despite the fact she is small, you would never know anything is wrong with her. Typically, trisomy 18 babies have many problems you can see on ultrasound. Heart defects, failing kidneys, intestines outside the body, cleft palate, diaphramatic hernias, underdeveloped lungs. She has none of these. None. She is small and has a very mild club foot (which is common in twins). That's it. It's hard to know what to expect with the lack of problems. We were feeling hopeful after the fetal echo showed no heart defects but sobered up very quickly after the next ultrasound. We desperately want to have a crystal ball to tell us is she will make it to birth or not. We just don't know. All our wonderful doctor can tell us is statistics. Statistically, 75-90% of T18 babies will be stillborn despite the anomalies. The plan, or hope, is to get me to 37 weeks and deliver vaginally. My doctor doesn't want me to have to recover from a c-section (and neither do I), especially if she is born alive.

We are really trying to take it one day at a time. I'm searching for ways to connect with her and make the most of our precious time together. I'm struggling a little. I talk to her and her sister a lot. I'm slowly finding the joy in all of this because there is joy. She has her body and she will be perfected and resurrected. She will be watching over us and with us forever. But some days, some moments, I just can't help but think how much this sucks. I feel robbed of the joy I should be feeling. I'm jealous of anyone who is expecting a healthy baby. I'm even jealous of my former self a little. I look at pictures during our lowest infertility times and I think of how much easier that was compared to this. I think of the things I have to think about right now (infant caskets, funeral costs, saying goodbye) and laugh because I just don't believe this is happening sometimes. I've also realized that we haven't even really begun this journey. We haven't even lost her yet. No matter when that happens, I don't think I am prepared for that. We have the rest of our lives to remember her, to long for her, to wish she were here on earth with her family. Suddenly, I'm exhausted.

I have no idea what's in store. I'm just going through the typical phases of grief, though in no particular order. I understand that grief is not linear. One does not graduate from the first phase and move on to step two. I wish. One day at a time...

23 & 24 Weeks...

23 weeks

How far along? 24 weeks

Total weight gain? I think around 12lbs. It's going good. I'm not so concerned about the lack of weight gain now since they are monitored so closely.

Sleep? Not great, to be honest. I almost don't look forward to bed time (almost). I just can't lay on one side for very long so I wake-up every couple of hours to pee and turn over. It takes me a few minutes to get in a comfy position again. If I go over 2 hours without turning over, it's a great night but I wake-up sore from being in the same position for too long. I have to say my husband is one of a kind. Despite him having to get up early to go to work, he insists on getting up with Sam if he wakes up which has happened a lot lately. Poor kid has gotten 6 new teeth in the last couple of weeks including all four one-year molars (ouch!).

Best moment of the week?  Christmas! What a great day! We kept things really simple and had lots of fun just being together. It was fun to play Santa even though Sam doesn't really get it yet. He was still really excited to see all the presents under the tree in the morning.

Miss anything?  Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Movement? Yes! I've been so relieved to be able to feel them consistently. I am also starting to be able to tell them apart. That is also a relief. I have been afraid of going to an ultrasound and seeing that Baby A has left us and not even knowing it. I think I will be able to tell now if she hasn't moved. I have read that Trisomy 18 babies don't move very much in utero. This is not true for our girl. They are BOTH monkeys! I swear for three days straight, they didn't sleep because they were constantly moving! I talk to them when I first feel them it the morning. I say 'good morning' and tell them what we are going to do that day.

Food cravings? No cravings. I've enjoyed all the holiday goodies and the guilt free gorging. However, "goring" for me is pretty pathetic for a 24 week pregnant lady. I just cannot eat very much in one sitting and have to remind myself to eat.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Just reflux will occasionally be so bad that I have a hard time keeping it down. Pizza still makes me have reflux so bad that I throw-up. I think it's it the acidic tomato sauce. I avoid all things like that. My bottle of Tums is my best friend right now.

Labor signs? No and I'm not having as many Braxton Hicks anymore which is a relief. At my last ultrasound, the tech said my cervix was miles long. That made me happy. They last I need to be worrying about is preterm labor and bed rest. It makes me feel a bit more easy that I have technically reached "viability", although, I don't want them to come any time soon. It's just nice to know that if anything happens, they could survive. Every week from now on is gravy.

Gender?  My sweet girls. We finally have names which I will announce in my next post.

Symptoms? Heartburn, can't breath, can't get comfortable. 

Happy or Moody? Trying to be happy. I am happy. Writing things down helps but it always brings me back to reality. It's just so hard accept this. Sam makes me happy. The time I have with these girls makes me happy. Michael makes me happy. I still cry a least once a day but I think I'm more happy than I am sad.

Looking forward to...?  Our next visit with Angel Watch. I will write about our Angel Watch visit next time. It was very bittersweet and it is a wonderful program.

Realization of the week? Only 3 months until these girls come (hopefully not sooner). That sounds like an eternity to someone who feels like they are ready to pop but I'm expecting it to fly by. I feel like I have been stuck at the same gestation for a month. I think it's because when we found out at 20 weeks about our baby girl, time stopped in our world.

Weeks 20 & 21

22 weeks

How far along? 21 weeks

Total weight gain? I think around 10 lbs now. Half way there and still haven't gained as much as I did with Sam. It's a steady weight gain though. 

Sleep? Despite everything going on, I have had a couple of really great night . Only one potty break and not a lot of tossing and turning. I know I dream still but forget them quickly when I wake up.

Best moment of the week?  I can't honestly say that I can think of anything as a great moment. I have little moments of realization of how blessed I am. My little Sam can always bring a smile to my face. Another great moment was when Michael finally felt the girls for the first time. I hope he can feel them daily now so he can start to connect with our girls.

Miss anything?  When life was simpler? When life was blissful? I know I am being a downer but so many times this week I was wishing to go back to about week 14 when we thought everything was going to be okay. Blissful ignorance. That's what I miss.

Movement? Yes! They have both been head down and now they both have flipped to breech. I have been kicked where I have never been kicked before. Sam was always head down so I never got the pleasure of experiencing being kicked in the nether regions. Not surprising, I don't feel baby girl A as easily as her sister. She is much smaller and I fear that she is falling even more behind. Once in a while, I will distinctly feel her and it makes me happy and relieved. I am so scared she is going to pass away and I won't know it.

Food cravings? None this week. I have had to force myself to eat. I really have liked applesauce lately but don't have any on hand. I eat it at work. I try to up my calories but it's really hard when you have no appetite.

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. I have really felt pretty good physically. The heartburn is setting in big time. That was my biggest challenge with Sam and I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.

Labor signs? No, but having a lot of Braxton Hicks. I told my doctor about them and he said it's normal because having two babies will cause a lot more growing pains. As long they are not regular I should be fine. I have been trying to increase my water intake and that has seemed to help.

Gender?  My sweet girls. We are so close to nailing down names. We are so bad with names. Our names have to sink in before they stick. We are getting more and more anxious about them not being named under the circumstances.

Symptoms? Peeing at night, heartburn, and back pain. The back pain has been a little better in the last couple of days but I've had a few days off so it will start all over again when I work another shift.

Happy or Moody? Oh man. How do I answer this question? I just read what I wrote at 18 weeks and I want to cry. We will not be bringing home both our girls. How can that not make me moody? I have had some good days since finding out. I have had a couple of really bad days. Yesterday was particularly rough for no reason. I just woke up feeling like my world had been shattered. I couldn't wait for the day to be over because the next day had to be better. I understand a lot of about grief. I know grief is not linear. You don't move from one step to the other and never move back so that is all to be expected. I just long for those happy days. Today was much better but after I put my Sammy to bed, I felt the heaviness starting to weigh on my chest and I have been fighting it ever since.

Looking forward to...?  Being happy. I'm terrified I may never be truly happy again. I do have faith that everything will be okay but how? How is it going to be okay when she is not here with her sister? I know we will find our new normal but what is that going to be? We struggled for so long to have our children and finally found joy and peace. Now, I'm afraid our new normal will be devoid of true peace. I pray this isn't true.

Realization of the week? A real downer of a post this week. I realized we probably won't be bringing both girls home. I went into the room that will be their room and saw their car seats. I lost it. I just can't believe this is happening. Our greatest hope and prayer is that she is born alive and hangs on for her sister's sake. We would be so grateful to have any time with her alive. That is our prayer.