Weeks 20 & 21

22 weeks

How far along? 21 weeks

Total weight gain? I think around 10 lbs now. Half way there and still haven't gained as much as I did with Sam. It's a steady weight gain though. 

Sleep? Despite everything going on, I have had a couple of really great night . Only one potty break and not a lot of tossing and turning. I know I dream still but forget them quickly when I wake up.

Best moment of the week?  I can't honestly say that I can think of anything as a great moment. I have little moments of realization of how blessed I am. My little Sam can always bring a smile to my face. Another great moment was when Michael finally felt the girls for the first time. I hope he can feel them daily now so he can start to connect with our girls.

Miss anything?  When life was simpler? When life was blissful? I know I am being a downer but so many times this week I was wishing to go back to about week 14 when we thought everything was going to be okay. Blissful ignorance. That's what I miss.

Movement? Yes! They have both been head down and now they both have flipped to breech. I have been kicked where I have never been kicked before. Sam was always head down so I never got the pleasure of experiencing being kicked in the nether regions. Not surprising, I don't feel baby girl A as easily as her sister. She is much smaller and I fear that she is falling even more behind. Once in a while, I will distinctly feel her and it makes me happy and relieved. I am so scared she is going to pass away and I won't know it.

Food cravings? None this week. I have had to force myself to eat. I really have liked applesauce lately but don't have any on hand. I eat it at work. I try to up my calories but it's really hard when you have no appetite.

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. I have really felt pretty good physically. The heartburn is setting in big time. That was my biggest challenge with Sam and I have a feeling it's only going to get worse.

Labor signs? No, but having a lot of Braxton Hicks. I told my doctor about them and he said it's normal because having two babies will cause a lot more growing pains. As long they are not regular I should be fine. I have been trying to increase my water intake and that has seemed to help.

Gender?  My sweet girls. We are so close to nailing down names. We are so bad with names. Our names have to sink in before they stick. We are getting more and more anxious about them not being named under the circumstances.

Symptoms? Peeing at night, heartburn, and back pain. The back pain has been a little better in the last couple of days but I've had a few days off so it will start all over again when I work another shift.

Happy or Moody? Oh man. How do I answer this question? I just read what I wrote at 18 weeks and I want to cry. We will not be bringing home both our girls. How can that not make me moody? I have had some good days since finding out. I have had a couple of really bad days. Yesterday was particularly rough for no reason. I just woke up feeling like my world had been shattered. I couldn't wait for the day to be over because the next day had to be better. I understand a lot of about grief. I know grief is not linear. You don't move from one step to the other and never move back so that is all to be expected. I just long for those happy days. Today was much better but after I put my Sammy to bed, I felt the heaviness starting to weigh on my chest and I have been fighting it ever since.

Looking forward to...?  Being happy. I'm terrified I may never be truly happy again. I do have faith that everything will be okay but how? How is it going to be okay when she is not here with her sister? I know we will find our new normal but what is that going to be? We struggled for so long to have our children and finally found joy and peace. Now, I'm afraid our new normal will be devoid of true peace. I pray this isn't true.

Realization of the week? A real downer of a post this week. I realized we probably won't be bringing both girls home. I went into the room that will be their room and saw their car seats. I lost it. I just can't believe this is happening. Our greatest hope and prayer is that she is born alive and hangs on for her sister's sake. We would be so grateful to have any time with her alive. That is our prayer.