Snow Babies...

Recently, I have been asked many questions about our potential and future embryos and what we would do if had any “left over’s”. I found that in these questions there are a lot of misconceptions about exactly what an embryo is and what we are lawfully allowed to do with them.


First, let me say we have already filled out legal paperwork regarding what we would do if we have more embryos than we can transfer. Hopefully, we WILL have additional embryos to cryopreserve (freeze) for subsequent pregnancies. I like to refer to these little embryos as “snow babies”. If we would like to become pregnant again after the first or if the fresh cycle is unsuccessful, we would do an FET (frozen embryo transfer). These are significantly cheaper than a fresh cycle, costing around $2,500 +meds. Obviously, you need snow babies to do this, so a previous fresh cycle is necessary and the nail-biting comes with the thaw of the little guys. Sometimes, they do not survive. So, firstly, we would love to have some snow babies put on ice for use in the future.


So, what if we have extra snow babies after we are done having children? We went back and forth with this. My first initial thought is that we had to give all the embies a chance. Michael thought I was little crazy with potentially wanting to be Octo-Mom. I mean, what if we have 12 embies? I felt guilty for not thinking we would use all of them, seeing as how badly I have wanted this in the first place. So, with more thought, I knew this was unreasonable. We found out we only have few options:


• Cryopreservation- $600 annually to keep the snow babies on ice, $2500 + meds to do a FET.  They will do this until I am 50 years of age and then they will be "discarded". Hmmmm.


• Donation- we can donate the embies to research or to another couple. Although, donation of embies to another couple is not legal in Utah, they can transfer the little guys to another lab, in another state and they can be donated there. We have discussed this to great lengths and ultimately, we would not be comfortable with carbon copies of us running around somewhere with no claim to them except our genes. It would be rather like putting our own children up for adoption and why would want to do that?


Yes, the research part of this option is stem cell research…GASP! However you might feel about stem cell research let me say, it’s probably not what you think. Most common of misconceptions have come from little knowledge of this kind of research and I want to clear something up…an embryo looks like this:

NOT this!

The second picture is a fetus, not an embryo. The stem cells come from the first picture...what it looks like from days 3-5 after conception. Stem cells can only come from blastocysts in the embryonic stage. They do not come from aborted babies. Embryos are considered to be so during weeks 3-8, after which they are considered to be a fetus. The first picture is what is transfered on day 3 or 5 during an IVF cycle, not what is pictured below that.  I guess it’s up to you to decide when you believe life begins. Some believe it’s the moment of conception, others, when life can be sustained outside the womb. I personally believe a fetus receives a spirit inside the womb but haven’t concluded when that actually happens. I think maybe when it has a beating heart but I don't know?  I guess it up to us and you to decide. And our last option…


• Discard- this is a really soft and fuzzy way of saying, destroy the embryos. I have not asked how this task is carried out but I imagine they just somehow let them die by not sustaining their life.


I suppose it’s not hard to guess which box we checked last week. We have decided that we will be donating our embryos to research. We decided that we did not want to be Octo-parents and if the only other option was to have them destroyed anyway, they might as well be studied for the progression of science. The best case scenario would be to only have as many embies as we would like to have children and have the cycles be successful each time but that is not likely. Think what you would like, judge ye not. It’s not an easy decision.  And, I apologize.  This was definitely not meant to be my platform for stem cell research...I am still very much up in the air about it but for these purposes...well, you know.

We're Penciled In!..

We were really looking forward to Friday because we had our first official IVF consult!  Up until now, it’s just been a lot of testing and consulting with specialists about our test results and where to go from here.  Well, we know where we need to go…so we’re on our way.  We met with Dr. Hammoud last September when he confirmed that IVF was going to be our best option.  He told us when we were financially and emotionally ready to proceed, to make an IVF consult.  So, here we are, officially in the books!  Tentatively, we are scheduled to begin the three month process in August.  We were not planning on moving forward until December or January but because of a long-winded story about school, we feel totally comfortable with doing it sooner.  I can’t believe I feel so calm (calm has not been a quality I have possessed lately) about the probability of having a baby while in my last semester of school.  It terrified me before but if we are successful our baby will be born on or around July 13th.  Weird.  We already know our baby’s due date!  I will still have a few weeks left of school but I am confident that I will rise to occasion of being a student and a mother, successfully.

Anyway, the IVF consult was a bit boring but very reassuring.  Not a lot of new information for me but I think Michael is understanding the whole process a little better.  We were told we have a less than 1% chance of conceiving on our own but it is not impossible.  He likened it to winning the lottery twice in a year.  Not impossible, but probability wise, not likely.  It’s reassuring to know that yes, this is good decision and we really do need it to have a family.  Our chances of success are very high due to the nature of our problem, our health and how young we are (Dr. Hammoud kept saying I was still so young…that was sure nice of him).  Then, he gave a perfectly terrifying speech about high-order multiple births and the risks for mother and baby associated with them.  I warned Michael that he would push us for a single embryo transfer and to have our guard up ready to defend our already made up minds to transfer two, if we have the embryos to do so.  But, then he said, “with all that said, let me tell you…90% of couples will choose to have two embryos transferred and it’s ultimately your decision to make.”  How could we NOT transfer two?  Our chances of pregnancy increase by 15%!  I mean, how could you not take as many of those little percent signs as possible?  We also found out he has two year-old twins!  Natural or IVF, I don't know?  It's still very funny.  My regular OB has one year-old twins also, naturally.

I go back for an ultrasound on Friday to make sure my uterus is a good hostess.  I know we have a while still to think about this process but it finally feels like we are actually putting our plan into action instead of just talking about it all the time.  In the meantime, I'm focusing on getting through the summer and making myself as healthy as possible to prepare for the procedure.  Michael is counting down the days until he can end his second job and I can't wait to have my husband back!

I Am Not Crazy!...

Michael and I were able to go the Utah Infertility Awareness event today.  It was a great turn out for such a last minute event and all I could think about when I walked in was, “dang, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and who-whos in here!”  I went thinking I would not hear anything I didn’t already know but I was wrong.  I learned a lot about how to naturally enhance our fertility, even in regard to IVF.  Michael learned, he in fact, has a disease.  He wrote on his notepad, “Michael…you have a disease!”.  Again, infertility is a disease.  A disease is defined by an abnormality or dysfunction of any body system, in this case, the reproductive system.  This bugs me because it's the only disease that is not covered by insurance. We learned that the reason IVF is not covered by insurance is not because of the big, bad insurance companies but because employers opt not to pay the extra $2.50 per year, per employee that it would cost.  Microsoft, Harley Davidson, and Google all offer IVF insurance to their employees because the founders all were infertile. But, the best thing I learned today…I am not crazy, dramatic, or petulant!  This was confirmed by a board certified, 30 years in practice, M.D.  There was doctor that discussed infertility from an emotional perspective.  He summed up 22 months of emotions, thoughts, and heartbreak in 30 minutes and it’s perfectly normal.  I have questioned so many times why I feel the way I do.  I have asked myself if I deserve to feel so let down and question why I am so full of grief.  Is it okay for me to grieve over a child that I have never had?  The answer is yes.  He likened infertility to a close family member dying.  I was so relieved.  He said it is perfectly normal to grieve an unborn child because we are programmed to want to reproduce.  He related infertility to the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief.  I have just studied grief and loss in my nursing fundamentals class and I have already recognized that I have been or am still going through these stages…denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The speaker challenged us to look within ourselves and ask what we want exactly.  Was it just ultimately to raise a child?  To experience being pregnant?  He says some couples differ in this and I have explored my reasoning for wanting to do IVF and not move straight on to adoption.  I really do want to be pregnant.  I want the puking and the labor pains…I want it all.  Is that horrible?  It makes me feel so selfish but he reassured us that if that was our motive, than it was perfectly normal.  Sometimes, I absolutely do NOT feel normal.  I asked Michael about his motive, knowing he already knows mine.  He knows I desire to experience pregnancy and he said, "I want to be pregnant too, not me of course, but I want to experience you being pregnant".  Michael and I feel very strongly that we need to pursue this option before moving on to adoption, which is a very welcomed option.

I have lately wondered if I have lost myself in this long, agonizing process.  Some days, I feel I no longer have the brain capacity to even think about infertility anymore.  It’s exhausting to think about something every hour, of everyday.  Some days, I convince myself I could be happy just spoiling my nieces and nephews rotten and moving on from this, even though I feel so confident and positive about the entire process.  I learned this about grief…grief comes and goes with life experiences. Some event will remind us of a loss and the feelings return even many years later after the initial loss and grief resolution.  I am afraid infertility has changed me, permanently.  I no longer look at the world the same way.  But, maybe that’s a good thing?  Maybe it will always be apart of me, regardless of whether or not we have a child and however that may come about.  I have been brought so much closer to my husband and to my Heavenly Father, relying on them both to bring me though my darkest moments.

Perhaps no quote better captures the essence of dealing with infertility in a healthy manner than that of a participant in a study simply named, Infertility, where infertility is poignantly personified:

“My infertility resides in my heart as an old friend.  I do not hear from it for weeks at a time, and then, a moment, a thought, a baby announcement or some such thing, and I will feel the tug—maybe even be sad or shed a few tears.  And I think, “Ahh, there’s my old friend.”  It will always be part of me.

National Infertility Awareness Week

  

My friend, Terina, just informed me of this spectacular event put on by the University of Utah.  It is to raise awareness of couples affected by infertility.  To share hope, insight, and seek resolution.  Offer support and encouragement.  It's this Saturday and I really want to go but I am scheduled to work 16 hours.  I am hoping someone will help me out and cover part of my shift so we can go.  Our doctor, Dr. Hammoud, will be a guest speaker.  I also just found out April 24th-May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week.   If you, or anyone you know might be interested in attending the event, you can click on the "FYI" box on the left for more information.  Thanks, Terina!

You Are Cordially Invited...

Life is like a roller coaster and I feel like I might throw-up.  I am going to take this opportunity to vent a little and throw a little pity party for myself.  You are all invited.  I would most obviously be lying if I said throughout this process I didn't have a severe case of the "why me's" at some point.  I have thrown enough pity parties over the last year and still have my party decorations...I'm busting them out!  I must preface by saying I HATE feeling sorry for myself.  Hate it!  Hate it!  Hate it!  Okay, you get it?

When I am down I try to immediately pick myself back up because I feel like I have no business feeling sorry for myself.  I know how great our life is.  One of my biggest pet peeves is people moping around and telling the world how hard their lives are.  But, I do believe people deserve to tell their stories and deserve to mourn, grieve, and recognize how hard life can be sometimes.  This is one of those times but I swear when I am done, I will pick myself back up and list five things in my head that I am grateful for.

Michael's second job has been a huge blessing but it has been incredibly hard on our relationship.  We never see each other and it's just going to get worse once his schedule changes in a couple of weeks.  I am grateful that we sleep in the same bed because sometimes, that is all we can do.  I wish Michael would make a post because he has all the perspective on his job and I know that whatever I am feeling in this regard, it's a hundred times worse for him.  I was given my summer school schedule and I am already incredibly overwhelmed and wishing it was over before it even starts.  My school schedule and work schedule, combined with Michael's work schedule will leave us with about 30 minutes of quality time, between the hours of 12a to 12:30a...if we're lucky.  August can't come soon enough.

Money is the root of all evil.  I have never known this to be so true.  We have had so many trials with money since finding out how much dough we will have to shell out for this.  I won't go into the details but let me just say, it sucks and we can't seem to catch up.  Don't get me wrong, we are not struggling to pay our bills or put food on the table and I'm grateful for that but we can't seem to adequately build our "baby fund".  There are too many things that have just popped up.  We have feared three times over the last couple of weeks that Michael might have to quit his second job and it devasted us.  Luckily, the scheduling worked out and he can retain the job, however, with a craptastic schedule.

April 12, 2010

I saved this post until I could I finish it and now reading back, I despise myself.  Yes, everyone is entitled to feel the emotions and feelings they have.  It's all apart the human experience.  A trial is a trial, no matter how big or small.  But, I just can't be sad about our situation anymore.  Sometimes, I have no idea why I get myself so worked-up.  Yes, this hard.  Yes, this is emotional.  But yes, I am meant to be a mother and yes,  I WILL be mother regardless of how we manange to finance this.   I have learned an infinite number of life lessons that I am truly grateful for.  When I told  my mom about our money situation she simply said, "That's life".  I am sure we will again find ourselves in a situation where we have saved money for something in particular and have to use for something we did not plan on.  Truly, that is life.  Pity party officially over.  Thanks for coming.

Infertility Lingo Guide

The land of infertility is very unique.  We women are more concerned with each other's basal body temperature and cervical mucus than we are with going to lunch or shopping.  We even have our own language in infertility land, aka WebMd or other infertility blogs and message boards.  The strange words, acronyms and abbreviations are making their way into the mainstream and you are bound to come across them if you read blogs or certain magazine articles, or if you talk with other infertiles. These are words and abbreviations we use to communicate with each other and  honestly, we are just lazy.  We don't want to type out the same words over and over again.  So here are just some abbreviations that you might find me using in the future.  

A

2WW

Two-week wait, that dreaded time between ovulation (and any conception attempts) and possibly AF.

AF

Aunt Flo, a woman's menstrual period.

ART

Assisted reproductive technology or technique

B

BBT

Basal body temperature

BCP

Birth control pills

BD

Baby-dancing, sexual relations that are hoped to result in conception.

Beta

Often refers to Beta hCG test (See hCG below).

C

CCT, clomid challenge test

Diagnostic test in which clomiphene is used to gauge ovaries' response to FSH, thereby predicting the "health" of egg supply

CD

Cycle day, referring to which day of a woman's ovulatory cycle she is presently in

CM

Cervical mucus

Cryo

Cryopreservation, referring to the freezing of embryos, sperm, and occasionally, eggs for future use in IVF

D

DH

Dear husband

DW

Dear wife

Dx

Diagnosis

E

E2, estradiol

An estrogen most important to a woman's reproductive cycle

ER, egg retrieval

Procedure in which mature eggs are harvested from a woman's ovary for either cryopreservation or for IVF process

F

FET

Frozen embryo transfer, referring to the use of embryos that are results of IVF and were cryopreserved

FSH

Follicle stimulating hormone. When used to refer to a means of determining possible ovarian failure, FSH refers to a blood test drawn on CD3. FSH is also used to refer to fertility medications that are comprised of either naturally-occurring or synthetic hormone.

H

HCG

human Chorionic Gonadotropin, the hormone emitted by human placenta, is what pregnancy tests measure. Also used in reference to medications that are comprised of the hormone and used during assisted reproductive techniques.

HPT

Home pregnancy test

HSG

Hysterosalpingogram, diagnostic test used to determine tubal patency

Hx

History, particularly medical

I

ICSI

Intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection, assisted reproductive technique in which a single sperm is injected via needle into an egg's membranes

IF

Infertility or infertile

IMHO

"in my honest (humble) opinion"

Injects

Any injectable fertility drugs

IUI

Intrauterine insemination

IVF

In vitro fertilization

J

JMO

"just my opinion"

L

LH

Luteinizing hormone

M

MC, m/c

Miscarriage

O

O'ing

Ovulating or ovulation.

OPK

Ovulation predictor kit

P

P4, progesterone, serum progesterone

Often refers to diagnostic test of the amount of progesterone in a woman's blood, often drawn around CD21, to determine if ovulation is occuring.

PCOS

Polycystic ovarian syndrome

PCT, post-coital

Diagnostic test in which a woman undergoes a pelvic exam after engaging in sexual relations.

PG

Pregnant or pregnancy

Px

Prognosis

R

RE

Reproductive endocrinologist

S

SA

Semen analysis

Stims

Refers to phase of an IVF (or other ART) protocol in which a woman's ovaries are being stimulated to produce eggs through the use of fertility drugs.

T

TTC

Trying to conceive

Tx

Treatment

U

U/S

Ultrasound

Sorry about the crappy formatting.  I don't know what went wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

Beautiful Blogger...

Fun!  Are you excited for a post that is NOT about IVF or infertility?  This is officially my first tag as a blogger. Thanks, Meredith.  Meredith is a good friend and we went to high school together. I'm so honored.



INSTRUCTIONS

1. Thank the person giving you this award
2. Copy the award to your blog
3. Place a link to their blog
4. Name 7 tidbits people don’t know about you from reading your blog
5. Nominate 7 bloggers
6. Place a link to those bloggers
7. Leave a comment letting those bloggers know about the award


My 7 tidbits...


1.  When I was young I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew-up and I always said...a bus driver.  Why? No clue whatsoever.  I never rode the bus as a child and I don't think I had ever even been on a bus when I aspired to this career.  I think I was in kindergarten at the time and the prospect of aspiring to drive people around the city in a bus baffled and worried my parents.  


2.  In my most recent years I have developed an irrational fear of the dentist.  I have no basis for this fear but I am brought to tears thinking about having to go in for even a cleaning.  There was no one incident that caused this but I have, in recent months, cancelled several appointments.  I just don't want to go.  I am supposed to get a broken tooth pulled but I am managing just fine with Advil, thank you.  I know, I know.  I'll go...I'll just need a Valium first.


3.  In high school, I was mediocre student.  I was far more interested in socializing and planning what to do on a Friday night.  I didn't fail classes (probably a B average) but my parents were constantly saying, "...the things you could do if you would just apply yourself."  Still a student 10 years later and I am now the most obnoxious over achiever.  Michael has witnessed a few too many "A- melt-downs".  That's A MINUS!  I would say it's due to being more mature but I'm not sure mature is the right word.


4.  No surprise to people that know me, I love music.  However, I rarely listen to music anymore, especially in the car.  I have no idea what's hot or new on the billboards.  I have very few CDs in my car and no iPod connector.  It's a little depressing and not so much a conscious decision but driving in my car is the only quiet time I have in my life right now.  It is the only time I am alone with my thoughts and my one chance during the day to just be QUIET and meditate a little.  I do listen to my iPod when I work out but that doesn't happen as often as I would like.  


5.  I have a not-so-secret love affair with sushi.  I could eat sushi for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...everyday.  I want to go to Japan just to eat cheap sushi 24/7.  I much prefer raw fish over cooked.  I buy smoked salmon from Costco and just eat it plain, 1 1/2 lbs all by myself.  If I was on death row, my last meal would be a smörgåsbord of rolls from Tsunami.  


6.  If I were magic and could choose only one magical power to possess, I don't think I could pass up being able to teleport from one place to another.  I could totally go to Japan and have sushi for lunch and be back to work in time.  However, a close second would definitely be to...wait for it...pee mentally.  Yes, I said pee mentally.  Do you know how much time I could save if I didn't have to go to the bathroom?  Lots!  Urinating is a normal physiological function but I find it inconvenient and much too time consuming.


7.  I have lived in 5 different states, 11 different cities, visited 6 different countries and 21 different states.  Michael and I love to travel and agreed that we would take a vacation every year no matter what.  We have been on three cruises together which makes a total of six for me.  We are hoping to go on an Alaskan cruise next year and to Italy or Denmark in 2012.


And the nominees are...(sorry if you hate tags)


Terina
Tara
Brittany
Dana
Joy
Morgan
Rosalie


I'm not linking your blogs to this but have fun!