36 Weeks...Tick, Tock

Here's a fun little comparison. I will try and snap some pictures this week. I kind of want to be the girl on the left. Her eyes are smiling and she is feeling the joy you ought to be feeling when you're 37 weeks pregnant.

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain: 21lbs! It's crazy how I tried to not put on too much weight with Sam and gained 30 lbs and I tried like crazy to gain at least that much and it's been difficult to put it on. 

Sleep? I can't believe I'm saying this but I have been sleeping better the last week than I have in months. It's still not great but so much better. Elena dropped and I feel like I can breathe better, my reflux is better, and I generally have more energy. Don't let this fool you into thinking I feel "good" but I definitely feel better. Getting a better nights rest really helps. I'm still up a couple of night to pee and to flip over. Not roll over. Flip over...like a fish. One swift motion.

Best moment of the week?  I am overwhelmed with the love, support, and kindness we have been shown over this pregnancy but especially over the last few weeks. I have been a little resistant to accepting help because I am still working; i.e. not on bed rest and I guess it's just in ones nature to have a "I can do everything" attitude. I definitely can't do it all and have been grateful for the help. This past week, the Relief Society organized babysitting everyday for Sam (which I attribute to having more energy) and left a "Love Box" on our porch. It's a box that people can come and drop off anything they want. We have had something everyday from toys for Sam to treats to notes of encouragement and love.

Miss anything? Me. I miss me. Honestly, I'm not in a great place right now. I am afraid. I'm about to deliver these girls and I'm terrified. The anxiety has set in and we just can't plan anything from now on. I should be overcome with joy but instead all I feel is dread and I cry over anything. How am I supposed to do this? I wish there was an instruction manual to tell me what I'm supposed to do and how the finish product will look. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to survive this?

Movement? Yes. They are running out of room and I can't feel Cora sometimes which of course stresses me out. She is very deep against my spine (that feels wonderful!) and she's tiny so I don't feel her like I feel Elena.

Food cravings? Just chocolate. I have been trying to eat as much as I can the last couple of weeks to put some weight on these girls. They will be small, especially Cora, who was estimated at 3 lbs. a couple of weeks ago. Elena was just over 5 lbs. I'm hoping for 3.5 lbs and 6 lbs. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. My reflux is actually better now that Elena has dropped and I can't believe how much better I feel! Thank you, Miss B.

Labor signs? Lots of contractions! Lots. But who knows if they are doing much. My OB checked me at 34 weeks (ouch!) and I was 60% effaced and not dilated, which was good at 34 weeks. I'm ready now. I will see on Monday if these contractions have been working their magic. Fingers crossed...I would really rather go on my own than be induced. I have been really worried this past week that I wasn't going to make it to 36 weeks and my doctor was also out of town for a couple days and I really want him to be there. After all this anxiety, I will probably need to be induced. I just don't feel like it will happen on it's own in the next 5 days. We'll see.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? A little reflux, heartburn, contractions.

Happy or Moody? Very moody. I feel bad for Michael because I feel like I have been snappy with him. You always hurt the ones you love most, huh? I'm am so on edge and I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. It's making me a little crazy. Sorry, Michael.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. Yes, I'm still working. It is really hard but I'm managing. I have two more shifts this week and then I'm done. I was concerned about going into labor last week but these upcoming shifts are welcome to speed things up so I will do my best to make it through them.

Realization of the week? These girls will be here in 6 days or less! It will be the longest 6 days of my life. Each day that goes by, the more scared I am of Cora passing away. There are some fetal conditions that babies do better inside the womb but these Trisomy 18 babies aren't necessarily safer inside. She is just as likely to pass away now as she is when she's born, especially at this later stage. Her growth has really slowed (measuring almost 5 weeks behind now) and she has developed a cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heart beat). We just don't know how well she will do until she's born. Statistically, she won't have long.

I really can't believe we are here sometimes. Can this really be happening? My prayer is that Cora will live long enough for us to say hello and goodbye and that we may find peace in all this. I'm trying not to be afraid because faith and fear can not coexist. I have faith that God can perform miracles and our miracle would be that we can have a little time with Cora.