D&C

We made the choice to have a D&C on Wednesday.  It was difficult to decided to "move things along".  I was hesitant to do anything when I hadn't been checked out in three weeks so I requested one last ultrasound the morning of the surgery.  I had the ultrasound which of course, brought no surprises.  I was still measuring about six weeks when I should be ten.  It was actually 5 weeks 5 days which is about the time where my numbers started getting crappy again.  It was a good thing for me to have that one last reassurance that this was definitely not going to work out.  

We got the U at 8:30a and had the ultrasound.  I didn't need to check into surgery until noon but it didn't make sense to drive all the way home and then turn around 45 minutes later and drive back again so we hung around the hospital for a while. I was inexplicably calm.  I was nervous about general anesthesia and possible complications but I was not upset by the ultrasound or the fact that this pregnancy would be completely over soon.  I guess relief was the emotion of the day.  We have known for too long now that this pregnancy was no good and my body failing to recognize it's job has been a little torturous.  

I checked in at 12n and my surgery was scheduled for 1:30p.  I got into pre-op and waited.  And waited. And waited.  Of course, my surgery was delayed.  I didn't get into the OR until after 4p.  That was almost expected.  Those kind of things always happen to me.  It was a long day.  Unfortunately, longer for Michael than for me.  I got to sleep through some of it.  It was weird being on the other side of surgery.  I am not used to being the one lying on the table. I knew the routine and I knew the risks.  Kind of scary.  I haven't been under general anesthesia since I was 8 years old. But, everything went smoothly.  I woke-up in PACU and was ready to go home and eat!

The recovery has been far less gory than I had been prepared for.  I even went out for a bit yesterday.  Michael was home with me yesterday and today he had to go back to work.  Today has been hard.  It is all kind of hitting me.  I'm not sure what is hitting me exactly? Maybe it's the rapid depletion of hormones or something?  Or maybe I'm slowly becoming aware that once again, I won't be a mom any time soon.  I won't be finding out the gender at Christmas.  I have to survive another Mother's Day without a child.  Yeah, I have things to deal with.  I know I'm gonna have crappy days ahead.  I've sort of been here before.

However, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the husband I do.  I love him fiercely and he loves me.  I have come to realize that none of this really that hard as I have him.  I know now that we can do anything, anything, as long we are together.  I am so grateful for wonderful friends and concerned family that have done anything they can to help us through this.  We are so blessed.  We are so blessed. We are so blessed.

I'm trying to hold onto my faith.  I have a lot of it in there somewhere.  There are moments I can't find it but they are just moments.  I know we will have children.  I have to stop myself from asking "why" because it's just torture.  I won't ever fully understand it in this life.  I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and if I believe in that, I know all of this will be made right.