Top ten things NEVER to say to the infertile...

*Disclaimer* If anyone has ever said any of these things to me or Michael or any of the "procreatively- challenged", please do not feel guilty or feel like I am pointing a finger at you. Thank you.

10. "You just need to relax and it will happen"-Please remember that infertility is considered a disease by the FDA, CDC, and Americans with Disabilities Act. It is a disease, much like cancer or diabetes. You would never be insensitive enough to tell a cancer patient to relax so their tumor will shrink. Similarly, taking a yoga class won't unblock fallopian tubes or change the shape of sperm.

9. "Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes."- For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. I am not saying that we are against adoption, we welcome the option. We just want to try this first.

8. "There are worse things that can happen"- Duh. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone anyway? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. And, to a woman whose completeness in life would be to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. So, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

7. "Just be patient. It's just not the right time"- Yes, it is the right time, it's been the right time going on two years.  Does this mean that when it is the right time his sperm will magically be normally shaped and there will be millions more of them?  Maybe we missed the right time, because sperm don't get healthier with age.  No, we just cannot physically get pregnant on our own without assistive reproductive technology and about $12,000, okay? *(however, humbly I say that maybe you're right. I don't know that I could handle a baby and school. My "female-mulitasker" gene got deleted somehow. I would hope that I would rise to the occasion).

6. "I'll donate the sperm"- Don't be crude. It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends. I'm not saying we don't have a sense of humor about Michael's sperm, we do. Just know when to stop, okay?

5. "I am so uncomfortable right now (referring to pregnancy). I have to pee all the time and pelvis is killing me. Just be glad it's not you!"- This message is for pregnant women...just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. I have not experienced pregnancy and maybe you want to tell me to shut-up because I don't know now miserable it can be. But, you will never know what it's like to experience infertility and YOU don't know how miserable that can be.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

4. (In a testimony meeting at church from a brother that just blessed his 7th child that day) "...I believe that if you remain faithful and are doing the things you are supposed to be doing, you will be blessed with a healthy child."- Oh, by the way, this was just three days after finding out we were infertile. This is ignorance at it's finest. We don't need your ignorant-but-mean-well comments, thank you. We also have a family in our ward who has a child with cerebral palsy...I wonder what they do behind closed doors. Tisk, tisk.

3. "Maybe you two are doing something wrong!"- Really? I am pretty sure we know how it all works. In fact, I am confident I could write an instruction manual to guide couples on how to conceive naturally, if in fact, all systems are a-go! Infertility is a medical conditions, not a sexual disorder.

2. "Maybe it's God's will?"-This is one of the most painful things to hear. This statement implies that God chooses who should and should not be parents, rewarding children to the good and denying children from the bad. Let's rephrase this statement- "Its Gods will that you are infertile, yet it is also God's will that an unemployed drug addict become pregnant over and over again." According to this thinking, why would God intentionally allow children to be beaten, abandoned, neglected, or killed while millions of potentially good parents go childless?

1. "You should just be grateful for the blessings you DO have in your life"- What?! Because I want children, because I yearn to be a mother, because I have had this plan to start a family all my life...it means I'm ungrateful for all the many blessing I know I receive everyday? No. Enough said.

There is a little education for you. And yes, all of these things have been said to Michael or me. And really, they all knew (apart from Captain Von Trapp blessing his 7th baby) about our issue. So please, be as sensitive as possible. You never know who has been or is struggling with infertility.