I Don't Wish On Stars...

Last night, Michael and I were talking about things. Okay, not things...about having a baby. I like to talk about it. I would be lying if I said I don't think about it everyday at some point. We talk about our timeline, baby names, feelings about IVF, boy vs. girl, parenting goals, etc. I start these conversations and I feel like I force Michael to talk about it when he doesn't want to. There are times he doesn't really get into the dialogue and just says, "you're too pretty to be thinking so much". I think he's hilarious but I asked him why he doesn't like to talk about it. He told me that it still makes him feel bad, like it's his fault. I told him he's ridiculous and that it's NOT his fault (we've had many conversations about this). I told him that I would have married him irregardless of fertility status. I still would have married him had I known he had this medical condition. I would have married him even if he told me he could never father a child. He said, "yes, but I know you wish it were different".


I thought for a second and started to say, "yes", but then stopped. I realized at that moment that through all of this, since finding out about our infertility, I have not once wished that things were different. I was surprised because I can honestly say that. I have definitely not understood at times and I think I will never fully understand. I have been devastated, I have been heartbroken, I have wanted to break things. Never though, have I wished upon that star that Michael's sperm were healthy. It is what it is and I can't change it. I think I accepted our fate sooner than I realized and have been so accepting of the fact that if I were to miraculously become pregnant, it would throw me for a loop! Getting pregnant on our own is not the way it's supposed to happen for us. It's not meant to be.


I have beens so excited about IVF. Our prognosis is great, we get to choose exactly when we want to become pregnant (no December babies for us!), we may get a "2-for-1 deal" (more on that later). Sure, the price tag stinks as most couples don't have to pay the sticker price of a Honda Civic to get pregnant but my mom put it into perspective very nicely. She said, "you are going pay thousands of dollars for things over your lifetime that you feel like you shouldn't have to pay for. I can't think of anything better than one of those things being a baby". But most of all, because we have to go through this, I feel like the end product will so much sweeter! That baby will definitely know how much we wanted it.