Let's go back...way back

Let me rewind to the summer of 2008, no even further...Fall 2006. Michael and I were married in the Newport Beach, CA LDS Temple on November 3, 2006. It was the most awesome day! Awesome is such a lame, non-descriptive word but awesome literally means "inspiring awe, admiration or wonder". That is exactly how I felt. I was in awe of the magnificence of the temple, admiring the man that was about to be my husband and wondering what the future had in store for us.

Naturally, we started talking about when we wanted to start a family. I was shocked that immediately after I got married I wanted to have kids! I always knew I wanted, and would have kids someday but before I was married it wasn't something I ever thought about at all. I even convinced myself that I would be fine if I never got married and had kids. I was surprised at how being married to Michael made me want to be a mother, specifically the mother of his children. Anyway, we decided that we would wait a couple years to get to know each other better before bringing a kid into our relationship. Plus, we were both still in school and renting a condo from my parents who had a strict no pets/no kids rule (a little tongue-in-cheek from my mom, she was afraid we would never leave!). I went on birth control and of course, would still freak-out every month for about 6 months that I was pregnant despite the 99.8% effectiveness of the pill. Ha ha ha, oh the irony. We would joke about getting pregnant and just throwing caution to the wind but we ultimately wanted to be a little more stable before having a baby.

Very soon after Michael graduated from the University of Utah and started his career, he brought up having a baby. I think Michael would agree that he was on board way before I was. He has wanted to be dad for a long time. I think finally graduating made him feel like we could do it even though I was still in school, which was my greatest reservation.

Okay, fast forward to the summer of 2008. I'm not sure what made me wake-up one day and say, "Okay, let's do this thing". It made me nervous to potentially juggle a baby and school but I was surrounded by people doing it so I thought, "if they can do it, so can I". Plus, I didn't know when or if I would ever get into nursing school. It could have been years. So, I stopped birth control and we were officially trying for a baby!

Oh, how naive I was!! I had researched like crazy what exactly we needed to do. Of course I...ahem...knew what we needed to do but I found the best ways to track my cycles with endless ovulation predictor kits (OPKs), basal temps, and other less-than-pleasant ways of determining if I was ovulating (ughh, checking cervical mucus...sorry but true). So I had it down and I was ovulating! We then did the deed, what I affectionately call "The Baby Dance". We were going to get pregnant, right? Two weeks later...WHAT? I'm not pregnant?! I was disappointed but not devastated. We would try again next month.

Month Two: No dice, shed a few tears.

Month Three: What? More tears.

Month Four: Ughh.

Month Five: Actually did not try to get pregnant this month because of our trip to England we had planned and I did not want to be TOO pregnant to go. Ha ha ha, again, the irony.

Month Six: Same as above.

Month Seven: We were trying again, it was going to work this month! Nope.

Month Eight: It had to work. It was past the standard six-months-minimum-time that it takes to get pregnant the first time. We had paid our dues. Nope. Total break down! I was finding out left and right that friends and family members were getting pregnant and not me (more on these feelings later).

Month etc, etc: Tears, tears and more tears. Tears is a very dainty word for the massive break downs that I would have after tracking my cycle and testing as soon as those pee sticks would pick up that little hint of Hcg. The negative test would convince me that it was too soon to test (which usually it was) and I would test everyday until that blasted bleeding would show up. The breakdown would ensue and the depression would continue for days until it was time to track my ovulation again.

I still didn't think anything was wrong. I had normal, regular albeit slightly longer cycles. I was over a week late around month nine and of course totally convinced that I was pregnant. I was at work when I started having crazy pains in my lower abdomen. I called Michael crying and my sweet mother-in-law who was already at the hospital to help me cause I couldn't even walk. The pain subsided so I was able to drive myself home and go to bed. I woke-up the next morning with same intense pain so Michael (oh sweet, Michael...more on him later) made me an appointment with my OB/GYN NP. I went in with very little pain and ultimately never found out what was causing the pain but that's not the point. I did a urine test at the clinic but of course, big fat negative (BFN). Why was I so late, ughh. I talked with the NP about us trying for a while. At this point, it was April and had been about nine months. She said it was enough time to start poking around to see what was going on. She ordered blood tests for me and sperm analysis (SA) for Michael. I, of course, went right in when I was supposed to and had my blood drawn for some hormones to see if I was ovulating and if I would sustain a pregnancy. All is good, I'm fine. However, Michael was little hesitant about the process of his little test. An office full of plastic cups is not exactly a turn on.

A couple months later in August, he finally went to get the SA. He did the deed and I put it out of my mind, knowing that nothing was wrong. I had an appointment with my OB/GYN, who had finally returned to work from having her twins...uhh. I wanted to talk to her about what could possibly be wrong with me. I knew it was me. We suspected that I might not be ovulating all the time even though my blood tests were normal. It's not uncommon to anovulatory cycles and I had been a little messed up since the pains I had in April. We talked about Clomid to jump start things after a couple months of extensively tracking my cycles. She told me to relax and even though she didn't have Michael's SA results back, we probably just needed more time. Okay, I will get some Clomid and everything will be fine.

Oh, I found out in June 2009 that I got into nursing school for that fall. What a wrench. We discussed the possibility of having multiples with Clomid and whether we should continue to try at all. We went back and forth for while and I can't remember if we really decided anything. So, fast forward to a few hours later from that OB appointment in August. We got the SA results.

NP: "Hi, Danielle. I have the sperm analysis results you wanted."

Me: "Okay". Everything is fine, we just need more time.

NP: "Hold for a minute please."

Me: Thinking..."Do I want there to be a problem? What if they say we have unexplained infertility? Is that worse or better than an actual diagnosis? No. I don't want there to be a problem. We just need more time."

NP: "Okay...yeah...this is your problem. This is not very good. They score these tests in such a way...blah, blah, blah. The best and highest being 30. He scored a 4.

Me: What? A FOUR. Out of 30? "What does this mean? Can you tell me the actual numbers?"

NP: "Yes (lots of numbers were read to me and I actually knew what they meant. I had been doing so much research the past year I could write a book. I knew the numbers were not good). Maybe they could wash and spin his sperm down and inject it...blah, blah, blah. Here is a referral for a reproductive endocrinologist (RE)."

Me: What? You are explaining intrauterine insemination (IUI) and handing me off to an RE? "Okay thanks, bye."

So there you have it. Michael has bad sperm which I affectionately call spermtards. His official problem is a low sperm count, low morphology (the way the sperm are shaped), and low membrane function. The most important being the morphology and membrane function which determines whether the sperm can penetrate an egg. We were in shock. I called Michael and he met me at work and we were even joking about it. The tears would follow later.

I forgot to mention, brevity is not my strong suit. I will expand on this post later...I know...how could I, right?