Top ten things NEVER to say to the infertile...

*Disclaimer* If anyone has ever said any of these things to me or Michael or any of the "procreatively- challenged", please do not feel guilty or feel like I am pointing a finger at you. Thank you.

10. "You just need to relax and it will happen"-Please remember that infertility is considered a disease by the FDA, CDC, and Americans with Disabilities Act. It is a disease, much like cancer or diabetes. You would never be insensitive enough to tell a cancer patient to relax so their tumor will shrink. Similarly, taking a yoga class won't unblock fallopian tubes or change the shape of sperm.

9. "Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes."- For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. I am not saying that we are against adoption, we welcome the option. We just want to try this first.

8. "There are worse things that can happen"- Duh. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone anyway? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. And, to a woman whose completeness in life would be to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. So, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

7. "Just be patient. It's just not the right time"- Yes, it is the right time, it's been the right time going on two years.  Does this mean that when it is the right time his sperm will magically be normally shaped and there will be millions more of them?  Maybe we missed the right time, because sperm don't get healthier with age.  No, we just cannot physically get pregnant on our own without assistive reproductive technology and about $12,000, okay? *(however, humbly I say that maybe you're right. I don't know that I could handle a baby and school. My "female-mulitasker" gene got deleted somehow. I would hope that I would rise to the occasion).

6. "I'll donate the sperm"- Don't be crude. It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends. I'm not saying we don't have a sense of humor about Michael's sperm, we do. Just know when to stop, okay?

5. "I am so uncomfortable right now (referring to pregnancy). I have to pee all the time and pelvis is killing me. Just be glad it's not you!"- This message is for pregnant women...just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you. I have not experienced pregnancy and maybe you want to tell me to shut-up because I don't know now miserable it can be. But, you will never know what it's like to experience infertility and YOU don't know how miserable that can be.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

4. (In a testimony meeting at church from a brother that just blessed his 7th child that day) "...I believe that if you remain faithful and are doing the things you are supposed to be doing, you will be blessed with a healthy child."- Oh, by the way, this was just three days after finding out we were infertile. This is ignorance at it's finest. We don't need your ignorant-but-mean-well comments, thank you. We also have a family in our ward who has a child with cerebral palsy...I wonder what they do behind closed doors. Tisk, tisk.

3. "Maybe you two are doing something wrong!"- Really? I am pretty sure we know how it all works. In fact, I am confident I could write an instruction manual to guide couples on how to conceive naturally, if in fact, all systems are a-go! Infertility is a medical conditions, not a sexual disorder.

2. "Maybe it's God's will?"-This is one of the most painful things to hear. This statement implies that God chooses who should and should not be parents, rewarding children to the good and denying children from the bad. Let's rephrase this statement- "Its Gods will that you are infertile, yet it is also God's will that an unemployed drug addict become pregnant over and over again." According to this thinking, why would God intentionally allow children to be beaten, abandoned, neglected, or killed while millions of potentially good parents go childless?

1. "You should just be grateful for the blessings you DO have in your life"- What?! Because I want children, because I yearn to be a mother, because I have had this plan to start a family all my life...it means I'm ungrateful for all the many blessing I know I receive everyday? No. Enough said.

There is a little education for you. And yes, all of these things have been said to Michael or me. And really, they all knew (apart from Captain Von Trapp blessing his 7th baby) about our issue. So please, be as sensitive as possible. You never know who has been or is struggling with infertility.

This is why I started this blog...

I read the following statement on a blog today:

"I still don't think that is has completely set in and become real (speaking of pregnancy), but with each time I throw up, it's becoming more real :) Let's just say I now know why people adopt!"

Sigh, I know morning sickness sucks. I haven't been there but I can't imagine anything more gross than your face in toilet all morning. I do know what it is like to be nauseous all the time and it bites. I know that pregnancy is hard, I know you reach a point where you are never comfortable and you wish your baby would stop using your bladder, pelvis, spine, etc. as a trampoline. Yet I, along with a million other women would give anything right now to be slumped over that porcelain bowl, losing my lunch. I yearn for it.

Over the last year and half I have learned not to be so sensitive to comments like this and I hope this post doesn't seem overly dramatic. I'm certain she meant no malice or even thought she needed to be aware of what she was saying. She meant it to be a little tongue-in-cheek and it was on a blog and they are meant to be a place where you can speak freely. As I would wish people to be a little more sensitive, I have learned not to be overly sensitive, but this one just stung a little as all comments of this nature still tend to do.  It really is all about perspective.

I'm not saying pregnant women aren't free to complain, I just want her and everyone to know...no, that is not why people adopt. Not even close. (And yes, I know she probably knows that is not why people adopt but still...)

Which leads me to my next post...

I Don't Wish On Stars...

Last night, Michael and I were talking about things. Okay, not things...about having a baby. I like to talk about it. I would be lying if I said I don't think about it everyday at some point. We talk about our timeline, baby names, feelings about IVF, boy vs. girl, parenting goals, etc. I start these conversations and I feel like I force Michael to talk about it when he doesn't want to. There are times he doesn't really get into the dialogue and just says, "you're too pretty to be thinking so much". I think he's hilarious but I asked him why he doesn't like to talk about it. He told me that it still makes him feel bad, like it's his fault. I told him he's ridiculous and that it's NOT his fault (we've had many conversations about this). I told him that I would have married him irregardless of fertility status. I still would have married him had I known he had this medical condition. I would have married him even if he told me he could never father a child. He said, "yes, but I know you wish it were different".


I thought for a second and started to say, "yes", but then stopped. I realized at that moment that through all of this, since finding out about our infertility, I have not once wished that things were different. I was surprised because I can honestly say that. I have definitely not understood at times and I think I will never fully understand. I have been devastated, I have been heartbroken, I have wanted to break things. Never though, have I wished upon that star that Michael's sperm were healthy. It is what it is and I can't change it. I think I accepted our fate sooner than I realized and have been so accepting of the fact that if I were to miraculously become pregnant, it would throw me for a loop! Getting pregnant on our own is not the way it's supposed to happen for us. It's not meant to be.


I have beens so excited about IVF. Our prognosis is great, we get to choose exactly when we want to become pregnant (no December babies for us!), we may get a "2-for-1 deal" (more on that later). Sure, the price tag stinks as most couples don't have to pay the sticker price of a Honda Civic to get pregnant but my mom put it into perspective very nicely. She said, "you are going pay thousands of dollars for things over your lifetime that you feel like you shouldn't have to pay for. I can't think of anything better than one of those things being a baby". But most of all, because we have to go through this, I feel like the end product will so much sweeter! That baby will definitely know how much we wanted it.

It's all about the money...

Michael and I, we love dates. We have been trying to limit our dates or at least limit the money we spend on dates as we are trying to save as much money as we can to cover our IVF expenses. After all, it's all about the money. We probably would have already done the IVF if we had $12,000 burning a hole in our pocket. Alas, we do not. Tonight, however, we pulled out all the stops with our favorite Chinese food digs, Sampan and a movie. Chinese food, $12...movie, $0 (passes)...date with Michael, priceless.

It literally was priceless because in two days, Michael will start his second job. Ever since finding out we need IVF to have a baby, we have been praying for an opportunity to earn more money. My pessimism led me to believe it would be impossible to find a second job that Michael could realistically work since he already works 40 hours a week. A couple of months ago I was at school and saw a booth advertising jobs with the 2010 U.S. Census. I talked to the girl and she described a job that sounded too good to be true. It wasn't. It's the exact thing we have been praying for. It pays really well, it fits into his schedule, and it's temporary. Not that it won't be a huge sacrifice for us, especially for him. He will work his normal eight hours a day then, five days a week, work four more hours until the wee hours of the morning. He will go for seven months without a decent nights sleep and we will see each other even less than we do now. I also have pounds of guilt weighing down on me since I am only part-time at the hospital. The obvious solution to our problem was for me to pick-up more shifts but I literally just don't have the time. I'm in school and clinical all day on the days I don't work.

I know this is going to be so hard on Michael but he is thrilled to do it. I think he sees this as some sort of redemption because he feels like it is still his fault. We just need to get through the next several months and we will be well on our way to starting this process. I am so grateful for this opportunity and so grateful for a husband who is so willing to take care of his future family. I know Heavenly Father hears our prayers and knows our hearts.

First Day of Clinical...

DONE! I'm exhausted. The end.

The Story of Us...

Since it was just Valentine's Day, I want to tell you how my sweetheart and I, met. I'm stealing this idea from my friend, Rosalie because I thought it was so cute. I hope she doesn't mind.

It was January 2006...no, no it was actually before that. December 1999, West Jordan, UT. I was living in Provo, UT and going to school at UVSC. I was about to leave for Christmas break and was waiting for my sister to come pick me up to go to the airport. Where was I? I was at his parents house. For those that don't know, Michael's brother, Braxton, is married to my cousin, Britny. We lived together that year and Britny, Braxton and I were three peas-in-a-pod. I suppose I stayed at his parents house that night for some reason. Michael had just gotten home from his mission that week and I suppose I had met him before this day but I can't remember. So that morning, my sister picked me up and Michael came stumbling out his room and Whitney said "Hi! How's it going?". I told Whitney that he was not Braxton, who I knew she was mistaking him for. That was first memory I have of him. I didn't really take any notice of him because he was already dating someone at the time. I left Utah that April and did not return until 2005.

So, January 2006 rolls around, Britny and Braxton have been married for five years and they have a son who was having a birthday party. They invited me to Michael's parents house for the party but for some reason, I couldn't go. The next day was a Sunday so I went to church and then went over to the Hall's to give Carter a birthday present. I was in the living room talking to Britny and who comes stumbling out of his room again? Yes, Michael. Exactly the same way he did six years before that. He did not live there but for some reason slept there that night. He said hello and Britny urged me to stay for a while.

Since I was in my church clothes, I decided to go change. Britny walked me outside and Michael poked his head out of the door and said "My dad wants to know if you are staying for dinner?" I told him no because I had plans to take my friend, Joyce out...it was her birthday. But, I assured him I would be returning later. Britny gave me a look of intrigue and I blushed and left. I returned shortly and we played a few games and there was definitely a moment where I looked at Michael and he looked at me and I thought, "Whoa! He is really different". Different in a good way...a man, not a boy. I was about to leave to go to dinner and as I was saying my goodbyes, Michael put his hand on the small of my back and led me out the door. He walked me to my car and I can't remember the few things we said, but I remember the butterflies. I told him that I was going to come back after dinner to play more games (yeah, you're right...I just wanted to see him). I called my mom and told her I was in trouble! We hadn't said more than five words directly to each other but I knew he was special.

I had a great time at dinner but I could not wait to get back to the Hall's house. I came back around 7pm. By the way, it was my birthday in a couple days and I was supposed to go a joint "not-so-surprise" party with my friend, Joyce. I told Joyce that since I wasn't supposed to know about it, that I was going to skip it (sorry, Denise...thanks for planning it). We played some more games and I flirted. We decided to watch a movie. I chose "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", which he claimed he had never seen it before. Yeah, he had. We held hands during the movie and there were more butterflies. I love the first hand hold, it's divine. Then, he kissed me! We were pretty much inseparable from then on. I talked to my mom two weeks later and told her I was DONE dating and that this was the man I was going to marry.

We were engaged three months later (I know, embarrassing. But, we technically knew each other for six years...that counts, right?) and married eight months after that. It really does amaze me how much I love him more and more each day. He makes me laugh everyday and I just can't get enough of him!

We're good...

I want to start out by saying Michael and I are in a really good place right now. I don't want people to think we are sitting on the couch everyday and eating a pint of ice cream (mmm...I would love that!). I just really want to preserve this past 18 months so we never forget where we were (like we could). We are incredibly optimistic about the process we are about to go through. Maybe too optimistic. There is a fair chance that IVF won't work, it's obviously not a guarantee. Still, our odds are great.

The University of Utah Department of Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility has a success rate that is ranked among the highest in the world! Success rates are very dependent upon your particular diagnosis and your age.

We met with Dr. Hammoud in September of last year. This was shortly after the visit to the urologist and we had accepted that IVF may be in our future. We were led back to a little room and my vitals were taken (which I kind of thought was weird since we were only there to discuss our options) and then we waited for Dr. Hamood to come in. After two minutes of conversing with him, I felt confident we were in good hands. He asked me about my cycles and took a look at Michael's chart and reiterated what the urologist had said. He didn't think IUI was going to be a good option for us. Boo. He was very honest and told us we could probably do it 20 times and it wouldn't work. I laugh now because I was trying to convince the doctor that IUI could work...

Me: "But it could work, right?"

Dr: "Uhhh...I suppose, stranger things have happened."

Me: "So, we can try it? I mean, it only takes one good one."

Dr. "Uh, yeah you could try a few cycles."

Me: "So it will work!?"

Dr: "Well...miracles happen." He left the room.

Yes! He said it could work! Right? I turned to Michael, beaming. Michael simply said, "no". He told me that the doctor was trying to tell me that this would not work and that I made him say we should give it a shot because we were due a miracle. I laughed. The doctor came back in and I asked what he really thought about us giving IUI a shot. He said, "In my professional opinion, I don't think this will ever work for you and I know that IUI is a small fraction of the cost of IVF but I would rather see you put that money towards saving for IVF." Okay, we'll skip IUI. I was pushing for it because it really is only a fraction of the costs. We could try IUI five times and spend what it will costs me for my meds. But, having heard Dr. Hamood say he didn't want us to do any unnecessary procedures instilled my confidence in him.

We love Dr. Hammoud. He does not know us very well yet but he will!

My Sweet Michael...

Oh, where do I begin? I really need to document what an amazing man I am married to. I am constantly amazed by how much I love this man. I shouldn't be, he is really easy to love. He has been my solid rock through the last 18 months. He would be right there to pick me up off the floor, literally. He would come home to me sobbing on the bathroom floor because I had just gotten another negative pregnancy test and wipe away my tears. He would shield me from situations that he knew might be impossible for me to handle like birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, and baby shower invitations. Some days he would come home, find me in bed watching TLC's "A Baby Story" with the curtains drawn (this would be most likely be the day after a BFN). He would rip the curtains open, turn the t.v. off, and pull me out of bed. He simply would not allow me to wallow and I really needed that. He was always right there and he still is.

I feel bad looking back now because I was so broken hearted every single month for a year, I couldn't see that his heart was breaking just as much as mine was. He even said one day that he didn't feel like he was allowed to fall apart because of what a mess I was. That breaks my heart now. I didn't allow him to grieve because I was so wrapped up in my own pain.

In August 2009, we found out why we couldn't get pregnant. Michael is deficient in sperm quantity and quality and we don't know why. We visited a urologist shortly after getting his SA results back. We were 100% convinced his problem was fixable. Varicoeles (a condition in which varicose veins in the testicles depletes sperm counts and sometimes alter the quality) are common in his family. We thought he MUST have one too and we would get surgery and then we would be able to have baby! We were filled with hope once again and it was off to the urologist to confirm it. Nope. He does not have a single one and devastated us both. It was the first time we had met with a specialist to go over the SA and find out EXACTLY what it meant.

Let me say that after we found the problem, we immediately started processing what it meant for us. We knew fertility treatments were in the cards and I immediately started researching IUI (intrauterine insemination, a process where they wash a sperm sample and inject into the fallopian tubes when the women is ovulating). This reality was a little overwhelming because we were wondering how we were going to be able to afford the $500 per treatment IUI. We were ready to make it work. It makes me laugh now because we had no clue what we were in for.

Back to the urologist...I started crying in the office when he said Michael did not have a varicocele and I realized that IUI was imminent. Wrong again. After interpreting the numbers, the doctor was concerned about his membrane function and said, "It's likely that that IUI will not be a good option for you." What? The membrane function and morphology determines whether or not the sperm can penetrate the egg, the key factor in IUI. "The REs can do a form of IVF called ICSI where they inject the sperm directly into the egg." Again, WHAT?

Our world fell apart at that moment. We came to this appointment with so much hope and left deflated, feeling for the first time that we may never have children. Up until this point, we never thought it would come down to IVF to have a baby. The idea was so foreign to me and all I really knew about it was that it's EXPENSIVE! The urologist didn't know for sure but he threw out the ball park figure of $10,000-$15,000 (head spinning, stomach turning, water works, @#$&*??!!, pretty much pure chaos in my head). We already had an appointment scheduled with an RE for the following week.

Okay, so we have to spend a fortune on having a baby. That's fine. We can do this. It's amazing the range of emotions one can experience in the matter of hours. I was mad, mad that WE had to spend so much money just to become pregnant when most people get to do it for free. I was mournful; mourning the children I knew we might never have, even if the procedure worked. Paying upwards of $10,000 per child puts the kibosh on having loads of kids. I was fearful that it wouldn't work. I could go on and on. Ultimately, I was hopeful and would do anything we needed to do to have our own children. Michael took a little longer to come around.

I watched my rock crumble over the next couple of days. I watched him lay on the couch for two days, depressed and stewing over the thought that somehow this was all his fault. He started looking at adoption options with LDS family services (I will save that for another post). He was defeated. Now, I had to be the strong one. I had to pick him up and tell him it was going to be okay and that it was not his fault. I have not once blamed him, or wished I had married someone with super sperm, or today, even wished it was different. I realize now that this is a trial we have been given by Heavenly Father and I'm grateful it's not something more difficult like a serious illness, homelessness, death, etc. This has bonded us like super glue and going through this is going to make the result so much sweeter. Michael is just as optimistic as can be now but, again, more on that later.

Michael, I officially apologize for being such a basket case and not letting you fall apart now and again. I love you and I can't imagine my life without you. Happy Valentines Day!

A look back at 2009...

I promise that not all posts will be ALL about our infertility. I really hope this blog doesn't come across like I am sending out invitations to my pity party. I also hope that it I doesn't come across whiny, obnoxious and/or offensive. We have A LOT to be thankful for and we most definitely are thankful. We even have said that if it were just the two of us the rest of our lives, we would be totally content. Here is a list of all the things we experienced in 2009...

January-Our niece, Autumn, was baptized. I turned 28. My sister-in-law announced she was pregnant.

February-We decided (with some encouragement from my parents) that buying a house would be a wise decision in this market, even though we had no money and had not planned on buying a house for another year.

March-We found our house in Riverton, UT. Not where we thought we'd end up but we absolutely love our neighborhood.

April-We closed on our very first home and moved in at the end of the month. We feel so lucky everyday.

Our new home.

May-We spent our first month in our house..cleaning, painting, buying furniture, painting and more painting. My sister announced she was pregnant! We finally made it to Vegas so Michael could enjoy his 2008 b-day present. He got to race a NASCAR stock-car.

June-We went to England! We spent two weeks with our great friends, Sam and Heidi, driving all over the country. It was fantastic. I also found out I was accepted to nursing school while we were in England. That was a big highlight of the trip!

This is me finding out I was accepted to nursing school.

July- We continued working on the house, went camping with the whole Hall clan and enjoyed the summer NOT being in school. My other sis-in-law announced she was pregnant!

August-We found out we are infertile and would need help getting pregnant. I started my first semester of nursing school!

September-School, school, and more school. I feel so blessed to have been accepted to such a great program.

October-See above.

November-We celebrated our 3rd anniversary! Michael turned 31.

December-Our first Christmas in our new home! Finished first semester of school and enjoyed the Christmas break.

2009 was definitely the most emotionally difficult year we have had in our short marriage but we had so many emotionally positive experiences too. The days of despair has only brought us closer together and made our bond stronger so I can't regret what we have been through.

Let's go back...way back

Let me rewind to the summer of 2008, no even further...Fall 2006. Michael and I were married in the Newport Beach, CA LDS Temple on November 3, 2006. It was the most awesome day! Awesome is such a lame, non-descriptive word but awesome literally means "inspiring awe, admiration or wonder". That is exactly how I felt. I was in awe of the magnificence of the temple, admiring the man that was about to be my husband and wondering what the future had in store for us.

Naturally, we started talking about when we wanted to start a family. I was shocked that immediately after I got married I wanted to have kids! I always knew I wanted, and would have kids someday but before I was married it wasn't something I ever thought about at all. I even convinced myself that I would be fine if I never got married and had kids. I was surprised at how being married to Michael made me want to be a mother, specifically the mother of his children. Anyway, we decided that we would wait a couple years to get to know each other better before bringing a kid into our relationship. Plus, we were both still in school and renting a condo from my parents who had a strict no pets/no kids rule (a little tongue-in-cheek from my mom, she was afraid we would never leave!). I went on birth control and of course, would still freak-out every month for about 6 months that I was pregnant despite the 99.8% effectiveness of the pill. Ha ha ha, oh the irony. We would joke about getting pregnant and just throwing caution to the wind but we ultimately wanted to be a little more stable before having a baby.

Very soon after Michael graduated from the University of Utah and started his career, he brought up having a baby. I think Michael would agree that he was on board way before I was. He has wanted to be dad for a long time. I think finally graduating made him feel like we could do it even though I was still in school, which was my greatest reservation.

Okay, fast forward to the summer of 2008. I'm not sure what made me wake-up one day and say, "Okay, let's do this thing". It made me nervous to potentially juggle a baby and school but I was surrounded by people doing it so I thought, "if they can do it, so can I". Plus, I didn't know when or if I would ever get into nursing school. It could have been years. So, I stopped birth control and we were officially trying for a baby!

Oh, how naive I was!! I had researched like crazy what exactly we needed to do. Of course I...ahem...knew what we needed to do but I found the best ways to track my cycles with endless ovulation predictor kits (OPKs), basal temps, and other less-than-pleasant ways of determining if I was ovulating (ughh, checking cervical mucus...sorry but true). So I had it down and I was ovulating! We then did the deed, what I affectionately call "The Baby Dance". We were going to get pregnant, right? Two weeks later...WHAT? I'm not pregnant?! I was disappointed but not devastated. We would try again next month.

Month Two: No dice, shed a few tears.

Month Three: What? More tears.

Month Four: Ughh.

Month Five: Actually did not try to get pregnant this month because of our trip to England we had planned and I did not want to be TOO pregnant to go. Ha ha ha, again, the irony.

Month Six: Same as above.

Month Seven: We were trying again, it was going to work this month! Nope.

Month Eight: It had to work. It was past the standard six-months-minimum-time that it takes to get pregnant the first time. We had paid our dues. Nope. Total break down! I was finding out left and right that friends and family members were getting pregnant and not me (more on these feelings later).

Month etc, etc: Tears, tears and more tears. Tears is a very dainty word for the massive break downs that I would have after tracking my cycle and testing as soon as those pee sticks would pick up that little hint of Hcg. The negative test would convince me that it was too soon to test (which usually it was) and I would test everyday until that blasted bleeding would show up. The breakdown would ensue and the depression would continue for days until it was time to track my ovulation again.

I still didn't think anything was wrong. I had normal, regular albeit slightly longer cycles. I was over a week late around month nine and of course totally convinced that I was pregnant. I was at work when I started having crazy pains in my lower abdomen. I called Michael crying and my sweet mother-in-law who was already at the hospital to help me cause I couldn't even walk. The pain subsided so I was able to drive myself home and go to bed. I woke-up the next morning with same intense pain so Michael (oh sweet, Michael...more on him later) made me an appointment with my OB/GYN NP. I went in with very little pain and ultimately never found out what was causing the pain but that's not the point. I did a urine test at the clinic but of course, big fat negative (BFN). Why was I so late, ughh. I talked with the NP about us trying for a while. At this point, it was April and had been about nine months. She said it was enough time to start poking around to see what was going on. She ordered blood tests for me and sperm analysis (SA) for Michael. I, of course, went right in when I was supposed to and had my blood drawn for some hormones to see if I was ovulating and if I would sustain a pregnancy. All is good, I'm fine. However, Michael was little hesitant about the process of his little test. An office full of plastic cups is not exactly a turn on.

A couple months later in August, he finally went to get the SA. He did the deed and I put it out of my mind, knowing that nothing was wrong. I had an appointment with my OB/GYN, who had finally returned to work from having her twins...uhh. I wanted to talk to her about what could possibly be wrong with me. I knew it was me. We suspected that I might not be ovulating all the time even though my blood tests were normal. It's not uncommon to anovulatory cycles and I had been a little messed up since the pains I had in April. We talked about Clomid to jump start things after a couple months of extensively tracking my cycles. She told me to relax and even though she didn't have Michael's SA results back, we probably just needed more time. Okay, I will get some Clomid and everything will be fine.

Oh, I found out in June 2009 that I got into nursing school for that fall. What a wrench. We discussed the possibility of having multiples with Clomid and whether we should continue to try at all. We went back and forth for while and I can't remember if we really decided anything. So, fast forward to a few hours later from that OB appointment in August. We got the SA results.

NP: "Hi, Danielle. I have the sperm analysis results you wanted."

Me: "Okay". Everything is fine, we just need more time.

NP: "Hold for a minute please."

Me: Thinking..."Do I want there to be a problem? What if they say we have unexplained infertility? Is that worse or better than an actual diagnosis? No. I don't want there to be a problem. We just need more time."

NP: "Okay...yeah...this is your problem. This is not very good. They score these tests in such a way...blah, blah, blah. The best and highest being 30. He scored a 4.

Me: What? A FOUR. Out of 30? "What does this mean? Can you tell me the actual numbers?"

NP: "Yes (lots of numbers were read to me and I actually knew what they meant. I had been doing so much research the past year I could write a book. I knew the numbers were not good). Maybe they could wash and spin his sperm down and inject it...blah, blah, blah. Here is a referral for a reproductive endocrinologist (RE)."

Me: What? You are explaining intrauterine insemination (IUI) and handing me off to an RE? "Okay thanks, bye."

So there you have it. Michael has bad sperm which I affectionately call spermtards. His official problem is a low sperm count, low morphology (the way the sperm are shaped), and low membrane function. The most important being the morphology and membrane function which determines whether the sperm can penetrate an egg. We were in shock. I called Michael and he met me at work and we were even joking about it. The tears would follow later.

I forgot to mention, brevity is not my strong suit. I will expand on this post later...I know...how could I, right?

Exposed...

Expose-(verb) [ik-spohz] To make known, to disclose or reveal.

This is me (and Michael) exposed. I decided to hop on the blog train not only in attempt to document our life better but because I feel like I HAVE to. I have not been falling asleep very easily these last few weeks because my head is filled with thoughts about starting this blog and sharing our journey through life but mainly, our journey to become parents.

Michael and I have been married almost 3 1/2 years and have been trying to start our family for 18 months. We found out in August of 2009 that we are officially infertile. We will not be able to have children on our own. We will have to undergo the process of IVF/ICSI (in vitro fertilization/intercytoplasmic sperm injection...more on this later!) to become pregnant.

Those who have experienced infertility know what a lonely road it can be and I hope this blog will express my empathy. For those who are unfamiliar with infertility, I hope to educate and give a little insight. This has got to be the worst time to feel like I NEED to start a blog. I am in the middle of nursing school and time couldn't be more scarce but maybe writing these things down will help ease my restless mind. I will post now and again (and if we're lucky, Michael too) about what we have been through the last 4 years and what is to come. I have been hesitant to start a blog because I am not a clever writer or creative online scrapbooker but this journal will be honest, blunt and maybe too much information at times (BEWARE!).