D&C

We made the choice to have a D&C on Wednesday.  It was difficult to decided to "move things along".  I was hesitant to do anything when I hadn't been checked out in three weeks so I requested one last ultrasound the morning of the surgery.  I had the ultrasound which of course, brought no surprises.  I was still measuring about six weeks when I should be ten.  It was actually 5 weeks 5 days which is about the time where my numbers started getting crappy again.  It was a good thing for me to have that one last reassurance that this was definitely not going to work out.  

We got the U at 8:30a and had the ultrasound.  I didn't need to check into surgery until noon but it didn't make sense to drive all the way home and then turn around 45 minutes later and drive back again so we hung around the hospital for a while. I was inexplicably calm.  I was nervous about general anesthesia and possible complications but I was not upset by the ultrasound or the fact that this pregnancy would be completely over soon.  I guess relief was the emotion of the day.  We have known for too long now that this pregnancy was no good and my body failing to recognize it's job has been a little torturous.  

I checked in at 12n and my surgery was scheduled for 1:30p.  I got into pre-op and waited.  And waited. And waited.  Of course, my surgery was delayed.  I didn't get into the OR until after 4p.  That was almost expected.  Those kind of things always happen to me.  It was a long day.  Unfortunately, longer for Michael than for me.  I got to sleep through some of it.  It was weird being on the other side of surgery.  I am not used to being the one lying on the table. I knew the routine and I knew the risks.  Kind of scary.  I haven't been under general anesthesia since I was 8 years old. But, everything went smoothly.  I woke-up in PACU and was ready to go home and eat!

The recovery has been far less gory than I had been prepared for.  I even went out for a bit yesterday.  Michael was home with me yesterday and today he had to go back to work.  Today has been hard.  It is all kind of hitting me.  I'm not sure what is hitting me exactly? Maybe it's the rapid depletion of hormones or something?  Or maybe I'm slowly becoming aware that once again, I won't be a mom any time soon.  I won't be finding out the gender at Christmas.  I have to survive another Mother's Day without a child.  Yeah, I have things to deal with.  I know I'm gonna have crappy days ahead.  I've sort of been here before.

However, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have the husband I do.  I love him fiercely and he loves me.  I have come to realize that none of this really that hard as I have him.  I know now that we can do anything, anything, as long we are together.  I am so grateful for wonderful friends and concerned family that have done anything they can to help us through this.  We are so blessed.  We are so blessed. We are so blessed.

I'm trying to hold onto my faith.  I have a lot of it in there somewhere.  There are moments I can't find it but they are just moments.  I know we will have children.  I have to stop myself from asking "why" because it's just torture.  I won't ever fully understand it in this life.  I believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ and if I believe in that, I know all of this will be made right.

Sad news...

Our worst fears were confirmed yesterday.  We went in to have the ultrasound and thank goodness it was with the RE. I swear I knew more last week than the NP did.  He found the sac right away and said he was sorry.  It's no longer perfectly round and the baby is still measuring way too small for 8 weeks.  When sacs are not round, it's not healthy and last week I even asked about the irregular shape and if it was normal (which I knew it wasn't) and she just said "it can be".

At first, we were mostly relieved.  Relieved to finally have an answer to our question for 4 weeks.  This limbo thing has been excruciating.  It's unfortunate that I am actually pregnant for the first time and haven't been able to enjoy one moment.  I am not sick which I have predicted for a long time that I would be one of lucky ones.  I am overly tired which has been great since I have an excuse to go to bed early and catch up on all of the sleep I have been lacking for years.  And, I have been able to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself!

The weirdest part of this?  I haven't really cried yet.  I don't know why.  Maybe I have no tears left?  Is that possible?  It's a little unnerving. I just keep waiting for the big meltdown. I had a cute, older patient last night that has 8 children and asked me at the end of my shift if I had any kids.  I told him, "no, not yet".  He shook his finger at me and told me I should not wait any longer.  He went on to tell me he hasn't done much with life.  He hasn't traveled much, never went to graduate school, his career isn't much to boast but he has 8 great kids that are the joy of his life.  I was actually honest with him and told him the truth.  Maybe it was TMI and too much much for a patient/nurse relationship but I hate when people judge me when I tell that we don't have children yet.  They assume I am too career oriented or we simply can't be bothered right now.  He took my hand and said he was so sorry and that Lord knows me and he will not forget my righteous desire.  This all should have set me off but it didn't.  I don't like it.  I want to cry.  I feel like my composure means I don't care.

Where does this leave us in the world of infertility (a place I would desperately like to leave!)?  I don't know. I just know I have to get through what is to come.  The pain of watching my friends have their babies.  The pain of important dates passing us by once again.  Not finding out on Christmas if we are having a boy or girl. Yet another Mother's Day gone. It's all too familiar.

I have to thank our amazing families, our friends, and everybody else that have been so supportive and offered their prayers. We feel so uplifted. Maybe that's why I can't cry? I know nothing else is more important than to have a family that loves you. We are so blessed.  Our ward has been great, strangers have been great.  We couldn't ask for better people to surround us.

Michael Hall, I love you.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone but you.  You are my best friend and I desperately love you.

I don't know what to title this...

I've been wanting to post for quite sometime now but I just haven't had a lot of time or energy. This is what I have been up to:

August 5th: I graduated!!  This was the best day in August.  I finally am done.  I have my diploma and I never have to go to school again if I don't want to (which I will cause I do!)

August 25th: I got a job!  I am working at Intermountain Medical Center on the Neuromedical Unit.  I have been there for 3 weeks now and I am loving it.  It's a HUGE adjustment and I have A LOT to learn but I will get there.  Night shift might just kill me.

September 12th: I passed my boards!  The NCLEX was the hardest test I have ever taken.  Finding out I passed was completely full of drama.  I went to look on DOPL to see if my license was posted with the rest of my classmates that took it that day and to my surprise, my name wasn't there.  I had a complete meltdown, called Michael who was out of town at midnight and told him I had failed.  I was a wreck.  I didn't know how I was ever going to pass this test since it was already so hard. I quickly pulled out my credit card and paid the $8 to get official results and to my surprise again, I passed!  I called DOPL in the morning and she apologized for the mistake.  My file wasn't put in the right place or something.  It was fun going to work the next day and actually being able to sign my name with "RN".

September 1st:  I found out I am pregnant.  I feel robbed because I have not been able to make the announcement to anyone with glee or joy.  We did our second round of IVF in the middle of August and felt really optimistic about this one.  The timing felt right and we felt such peace about the whole thing.  We got the call on September 1st and the nurse told us that the blood test came back positive.  For one split second we were on the moon.  In her next breath she said that the numbers didn't look good and that I needed to be retested and it's been agony ever since.  My numbers continued to climb very slowly until the fourth blood test they shot up to exactly where they needed to be!  We were so relieved and got on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle we had been praying for.  Out next blood test was beautiful as well.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw a pretty little sack and possibly a fetal pole but it was still very early.  We finally felt good about this pregnancy and was able to start getting excited.  Then, a few hours later, they called and said my numbers were crappy again.  That was last week.  I went back yesterday, expecting to see a heartbeat and there was no growth in a week.  I got no information out of them except to stay on my meds and come back in a week for another ultrasound since I have have no signs on miscarriage.  I have been a complete mess for 3 weeks.  I woke-up this morning and didn't even recognize my life.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I said that last time but I really can't do this.  I specifically prayed for this not to happen.  I asked Him if I was going to get pregnant to please let me stay pregnant or have it not work at all.  We were so prepared for this round of IVF to not work at all but we were not in any way prepared for this.  I can't sleep, I still feel pregnant but I think my baby may have stopped growing.  I am devastated beyond belief and I can't seem to make any sense of my life right now.  I am so sick of being this sad person that just wants a baby.

I was blessed with the understanding, very quickly, of why the last cycle didn't work and I ended up being very grateful for it.  I don't understand this at all.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn from all this?  I know I am supposed to have faith in the journey, keep my head up, don't give up, never lose hope, keep my faith in His plan, etc. but oh my gosh, I need to be sad.  I need to be angry.  I am so blessed in my life and I nothing will change that, not even this.  But, I am so mad.  I am not strong enough for this.  I know one day it will all be okay and even know that one day we will have our own children.  It's the in between that I dread because I know the pain that is to come.  I am still pregnant...for now.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am really not.  I am completely devastated once again.  I hate this.  I hate infertility.  I hate this process.  I hate this pain.  I just want my baby. However, I love my husband and my family and all the people who are praying for us.  We are so blessed.

OMG!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted but OMG!...Guess what?  I am graduating in 2 days!  2 days!! I am 10 hours away from taking my last final in nursing school...ever!!  I can't believe it's finally here. I have been looking at this date on my calendar for two years, especially the last six months though.  I really thought this day would never come.  Michael told me when he was on his mission, he got to a point where he literally accepted the fact that he would be a missionary forever and that he would never be coming home. That is exactly how I have felt these past 8 months.  I have felt like I will be a student forever and that started being okay.  But it's here! It's here!  

I have to say that I have never been more proud of myself and the 38 people who I will be graduating with on Friday.  This has been quite the journey.  I cannot explain how I am feeling right now.  I am a little anxious about the whole thing actually.  I should be studying but I have spent the last two hours cleaning my house and went on a 45 minute run.  I haven't run in ages!  Yeah, I am a little anxious at the moment.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  It will literally be the last time me and my classmates will all be together and that is a sad thought. I have made so many great friends over the past two years.  I could have never done this without their support and friendship.  I definitely could not have done this without Michael.  My sweet husband.  What a guy!  He has done the laundry for two years, kept the house clean and straight and put up with my freak-out sessions related to test anxiety.  He jokes, "I know the last two years have been hard on you but it's been hard on me too".  I cannot wait to spend more time with him and get to know him in a different phase of our marriage.  We have only known each other as students.  One or the both of us has always been going to school since we have been together.  It will be an adjustment but a welcomed one.  I have to make it a goal to do the laundry better than he does.  He is really better at it than I am.

On a side note, I have been asked to speak at graduation. Yeah, I don't know why either.  My classmates nominated me and I feel very honored.  Thankfully, while trying to do anything but study, I was able to finish my speech so I am far less anxious about it than I was a week ago. It's going to be epic! Ha!

Next step will be trying to find a job (I don't even want to talk about that right now) and finding things to fill my time like:

• My new calling:  I just got called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency.  I am very nervous but excited about this.  I love my presidency and I love kids so it will be great once I figure out what I am doing.
• Reading for fun: Any suggestions on what's good?
• Cleaning my house:  I need to deep clean my house really bad.  I have two years of notes and a mountain of books in my office that needs to be burned organized
• Exercise: I went running tonight and I'm going to do it 'til I love it.  I don't love it yet but it felt good to run off some stress.  I also haven't mentioned that I have lost 25lbs since May.  No wheat, no sugar, no starch, no fun but I am used to it.  I am pretty sure I have gluten sensitivity :(. Boo.
• Loving my hubby:  Oh my gosh, I can't wait to spend real time with Michael.  We are definitely going to have some fun this year.  
• Just say Yes!:  I am so tired of saying the word "no".  I am very proud of myself in the restraint I have shown by saying no to things I really wanted to say yes to.  I have missed so many family functions, time with friends, vacations, dinners, and fun because studying always came first.  Not anymore (until I go back to school...in January!)

Thank you to everyone who supported me and cheered me on and listened to my whining these past 24 months. I couldn't have done it without you.  Congratulations to SLCC Nursing Class of 2011! We did it!

Best clinical group ever!! Kristy, Heather, Stefanie, Me, Jared, Marie, Brandi, Leah, Cori, Melissa, and our instructor Julie!

Class of 2011 (I'm on the left)

Tag...

I've been tagged

My husband...

What is his name? Michael
How long have you been together? We re-met in January 2006
How long did you date? We got engaged April 3rd and married in November 3rd 2006:)
How old is he? 32!!! I always have to think about this one...
Who eats more? Probably me.  He is a snacker though.  I definitely eat faster!
Who said I love you first? ME!!!
Who is taller? him
Who sings better? I'm always singing but Michael has great voice, too!
Who is smarter? He always says I'm the smartest girl he knows but I think he's smarter than me.  He can figure things out that I never could. :)
Whose temper is worse? Mine. Hands down.
Who does the laundry? Especially in the last 2 years...him.  I have maybe done 4 loads over the past 24 months.  He's a keeper!
Who does the dishes? Usually me but there are times when he gets so sick of looking at them he will do them every now and then.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does but I sleep pretty dang close to him so kind both!
Who pays the bills? He does. The system he has is so smart but so complex that if he died, I would be in big trouble.  He can do a mean spreadsheet!
Who mows the lawn? HIM! I tried once to surprise him and he thought it was "cute" but told me I didn't have to do it again.
Who cooks dinner? Every once in a blue moon, me. Dinner in our house is a sad situation which I determine to turn around in 38 days!
Who drives when you are together? He does.
Who is more stubborn? Probably me.
Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? He is.
Whose parents do you see the most? His. They are a little closer than mine!

Who kissed who first? I'm going to say he kissed me but I think we both were going in for the kill!

Who asked who out? he asked me out, technically. His words were "do you not want to go home but not stay here?" (we were at his parents house) :)

Who proposed? he did
Who is more sensitive? He is, I think.
Who has more friends? If I had to choose, I would say he does.
Who has more siblings? We have the same, 3.
Who wears the pants in the family? We are on the same team so I would say we both fit into Jared of Subway's old pants together!

*I'm not sure I like how some this played out.  Baby, I promise, in 38 days I will do more laundry, cook us dinner's and try not to have such a temper.  Love you, babe!

Cyst...

Yay!  The cyst on my fallopian tube is no big deal.  He even said I have the "perfect baby hosting uterus".  Thanks, that makes me feel good but I had the "perfect uterus" last time too.  It's such a different vibe going into IVF #2.  I try to get excited and I am but I find myself with a million reservations.  I have talked to a few IVF veterans and they say it's normal to not be the bright-eyed, naive, optimist that I was during our first cycle.  I guess it's just a natural defense mechanism to be guarded.  I don't find myself talking about it as often or blogging about it or telling the whole world.  I actually feel silly talking about it.  Last time, I couldn't shut-up about how I was so sure it was going to work.  I can't say that this time and I am definitely not sure it will work.  I know very well, first hand, that it could fail even under the best of conditions. I don't want to get hurt again.  However, we are both "cautiously optimistic".  We go back in two weeks to get our calendar, order meds, and pay.  I love the hope that has flooded back into our life.  If we didn't do this because we were too scared, it definitely wouldn't work, huh?  We've got to try.

New RE #3...

Yes, another new doctor.  I don't really know what lead up to the switch exactly but I know it's a good one.  Every since our consult with Dr. Heiner, Michael had been feeling a little uneasy about everything.  He expressed that he wasn't sure about him or the clinic but didn't really know why.  I brushed him off knowing that, especially in these types of situations, if there is a flaw he will find it.  It's like buying a new house...when you are looking, you try to picture yourself living there.  Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't.  We just couldn't picture us doing our IVF there.  I chalked it up to being a weird appointment since it was so rushed because they were late and we had to get to the airport and we had just found out, in the waiting room, that Michael's grandpa had died.  DISCLAIMER*We love Dr. Heiner!  Our switch had nothing to him exactly, it was just one of those gnawing feelings that something wasn't right*

One Saturday afternoon recently I had a melt down about our finances.  It is starting to sink in that we have to pay so much money...again...for something that may be devastating...again.  We don't have the money like we did last time.  We have a little but the thought of being in debt again, after we work so hard to stay OUT, sickens me.  We were going to be paying $24,000 with RCC this time and I just wanted puke everytime I thought about it.  After the meltdown and the realization that this is what it is, I started reading some blogs.  I came across a post about an RE in Utah County that we were familiar with.   Michael had really liked him when we met him at the Utah Infertility Awareness Event in April but we already had our plans with Dr. Heiner.  I looked up the clinic, Utah Fertility Center, and showed it to Michael and we both instantly felt peace.  This is who is supposed to do it.  I made an appointment for a consultation and we had it on Thursday.  Dr. Foulk is very accomplished and we loved everything he said.  He is very passionate and confindent about what he does and he is confident that he will be able to help us achieve our end goal...a baby.

He took me right back for a baseline ultrasound and he found a teeny, tiny fibroid (he says no big deal) and a very LARGE cyst on my left tube.  He said he thinks it's the kind of cyst that does not interfere with IVF but it inhibits natural fertility because it is blocking off my tube.  It could be a type of cyst (hydrosalpinx?) that does affect IVF because it leaks fluid that kills embryos!  My tubes were never checked in my previous cycle.  He said he is almost 100% positive it's not that kind of cyst but if it was, I would have to remove my tube!  I freaked out of course because I tend do freak out about things that haven't happened yet.  I go in for another ultrasound on Thursday and we will know for sure.

Oh, another plus...it's only going to cost us around $15,000 (ha...only).  That includes two fresh cycles and two frozen cycles which means we have up to four tries to get it right!  We are very excited about that.  I was given birth control already and will get my calendar at the end of the month.  Things are moving now and it's exciting. 

I haven't been able to think about it too much which is probably good.  School is kicking my butt and it consumes my every thought.  I am also on the graduation commitee which is a blast and between that and studying and trying to see my husband every once and while...I'm spent.  Just 51 more days until it's over but who's counting?

Oh Yeah...

...I forgot to tell you...we're adopting!  Okay, beginning the process at least.  A couple of months ago we had a rather difficult, heart wrenching albeit AMAZING experience.  We had just received the news of another disappointing sperm analysis.  It was very disappointing because there was some miscommunication and we were told that Michael had "0" sperm".  We thought this for about three days until we called to get a clarification.  He has plenty of sperm left, don't worry.  However, during the three days we thought that our dreams of having any children of our own were over, something amazing/awful happened.

To try to protect feelings, I will keep this short.  The day after we received the results I was reading an article in the Ensign about adoption and being LDS and infertile.  My mom suggested I read it and I ran around looking for copy since our subscription had lapsed.  I was on my bed reading the article, feeling hurt, devastated and angry.  The article was nothing I hadn't read or heard before and I was honestly just feeling bitter.  I didn't want adoption to be my only option.  We always said that if we adopted, we hoped that it would be our decision and not a decision made for us.  Some people choose adoption over treatment right away, it just has not been that easy for us.  As I was reading the article, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I have ever considered adoption.  I gave a simple answer of  "yes".  She asked to come over and talk.  Long story short, she was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby.  At that very moment, my heart was softened.  I immediately loved this baby and knew that I could love it like my own which shamefully, has been my biggest resistance towards adoption, not knowing if I could love another's like my own.  I know other adoptive parents do it so well, I just didn't know if I could.  I do now.

Sparing a week's worth of details and speculation, it didn't work out but for a short while, we thought we were going to be parents this year and the love I felt for that baby...there are no words.  The whole situation was devastating and amazing at the same time.  My heart is bursting at the possibility of adopting.  I can't wait!  After this experience,  we called LDS Family Services and got more information on how to start the process.  We have already had our orientation, which is the first step and are trying to get the word out that we are looking to adopt so officially...

WE ARE ADOPTING!  IF ANY OF MY FIVE READERS KNOW OF ANYONE CONSIDERING PLACING FOR ADOPTION, PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND.

Our orientation went well but after, we decided to hold-off with continuing our paperwork.  At LDSFS, if you are to become pregnant while waiting, you are put on a hold until your baby is 12 months old.  I love this because I think it's very fair.  You have to pay a deposit to continue paperwork and we decided it made more financial sense to wait to see what the outcome of our IVF cycle is (since it is very close).  If it works, we would have $1000 sitting and doing no work for almost 2 years.  We are hoping to get the word out ourselves in the meantime.  I wanted to write this post for so long.  I wanted to wait until I had an adoption blog all pretty and nice but I have no idea when I will get that done before August.  Does anyone want to do it for me?  Ha!  I shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be studying ventilators.

In closing,  I have not done my feelings justice regarding adoption with this post.  I can't articulate at the moment how grateful I am for it and how so badly I hope that this is what my Father in heaven has in store for us.  I love my friend who, in a very difficult situation, turned my heart.  I still love you.

Overdue...

I'm going to try to write a very long overdue update on the baby thing, infertility, the elephant in our life.  To sum up, we've been good.  I have been very distracted with school which has been sort of therapeutic for me.  I still have "one of those days" every now and then but generally, we are good.  Sometimes it's hard for me to admit or say in the exact words that I'm grateful that I don't have the extra stress of newborn.  I just realized that if our IVF worked last time, I would be 2 days away from my due date.  I am grateful.  I really don't know what we were thinking?  I know I would have risen to the occasion but we were so blinded by what we wanted, we kind of disregarded what would be best for us and the baby.  I have thought a lot about it and it wouldn't have been any fun at all.  I want to be able to stay home and snuggle my baby as much as I want, not worry about who will be watching my newborn while I go take a test, go to 12 hour clinicals, and trying to fit in hours of studying time.

It's nice to finally say we are officially back on the IVF train.  We met with our new RE, Dr. Heiner 2 weeks ago and really loved what he said.  I was pleased with the things he wanted to change from my last cycle and just grateful that he wanted to change anything at all.  Our last RE said she wouldn't do anything differently and I was really not comfortable with that.  How can you do the same thing and expect a different result?   Dr. Heiner was not thrilled with when we want to do the cycle.  We are tentatively scheduled for the first week in August, the week of finals and graduation.  I know that sounds crazy but hear me out.  That week would be the week of the egg retrieval.  I would have daily ultrasounds in the morning and then the retrieval at the end of the week.  My transfer would be the following week, no tests, no studying, not even working (I plan to take some time off after graduation to do absolutely nothing).  Following the transfer, I will be in bed for a few days and then we are going to Oregon with some friends to relax, de-stress, and try not to think about whether or not we are pregnant.  We can't change the vacation and I can't do it after in hopes that I will have a job that I will not be able to take time off from for 12 weeks.

Dr. Heiner asked if I get stressed during finals and yes I do.  But, that week is not the week I need to worry  about my stress level.  It is the following week where I need to be as calm as possible and I will definitely be able to do that.  I know stress is never an ideal thing in any situation but, really?  Stress does not impact the outcome of IVF cycle! If it did, no one would get pregnant from it.  Those 2 weeks of waiting to find out if I was pregnant or not were the most stressful 2 weeks of entire life!  I'm not kidding. I can't think of any time, even in the last 2 years, where I was more emotionally and mentally unstable.  Michael was about to medicate me...for real.  I'm looking for some validation that I am not crazy or making the same mistake we did last time.  I feel very strongly that I did not get pregnant last time because it was not the right time for us to have child.  I also feel very confident that we will have a child of our own someday and I hope that time is very soon.  I have been going back and forth the last couple of weeks and I feel like no matter when we do it, the time is right.  

I will start meds at the end of June and we are really excited about it.  Nervous, but excited.

I'm Still Alive...

Hello, it's me.  I can't quite put my finger on why it's been so long since I posted but alas, it's been forever!  I might have something to do with the fact that last semester just about killed me.  It was horrible!  We had a test every week, sometimes two tests.  We called it "two-test-Tuesday's".  I had an official mental breakdown for 48 hours the first "two-test-Tuesday".  I was so beside myself.  I didn't know how  I was supposed to work 3 shifts, go to clinical and memorize 54 medications for my test, plus study for another one.  Free time was not in the cards. I spent most of my days in the library, gained 6 lbs, and was on the brink on just completely giving up.  Sometimes, people compare my school experience to their college experience.  No offense, this is not your average Poly Sci degree.  It's intense.  I think some people in my life think I use "I have to study" as an excuse to avoid things I don't really want to do.  The amount of study time in never sufficient.  I really am studying...or doing my best to try.  I get very anxious when I fit in sleep recreational time.  I feel like I should be studying.  I don't really know how to describe it.  It's survival of the fittest. We lost two people from our class last semester and was near losing a few more.  I can't imagine anything worse after coming this far and being to close to it all being over.

We are three days into our very last semester!  Yay!  But, I think they are really trying to kill us this semester.  We have so much to do, no one knows where to begin.  I had 8 hours of lecture on Wednesday, work Thursday, 8 hour lab on Friday, 8 hour clinical on Monday, first test is on Tuesday, and fitting studying for said test and other incredibly boring busy work anywhere I can.

However, it will all be over in 74 days!  10 weeks!  D.O.N.E!  It's been almost two years since I was in a little town in England and found out I got accepted to this program.  I can't believe how fast the last two years have flown by.  Everyone said it would and I believed them but I know idea it would go this fast!

August 5th is graduation...74 days...pray for me!

Ugh...

Ugh, I may have to retract my last post.  Hi…it’s me, Danielle, the infertile.  I haven’t written in a while.  Well, that’s not true.  I have written but I have been lacking in follow through.  I would like to blame my insane schedule (which, it totally is) but it’s mostly because I can’t seem to finish a thought, a post, or even a sentence lately. My mind is a tangled web of thought and emotion.  The last ten posts I have started to write are all word vomit.  Not worth mine or anyone else’s time.

I HATE the way I am feeling lately.  Hate it.  A month ago I felt like I was finally getting to place where I was happy.  Reference previous post if you don’t know what I am talking about.  I hope think I feel the same way as I did then.  Today, I am not so sure.  My heart is once again tortured at the thought that we might not get pregnant this year, or the next, or ever.  I am sad today.  I think I feel this way now because I can feel our looming IVF creeping up on us again.  In just one month we meet with our new RE…

We are not going back to the U of U.  I’m kind of sad, kind of excited.  We are going to a clinic in Sandy, Reproductive Care Center.  The REs at the U did their jobs.  Looking back, I do feel like the ball was dropped in a few areas of my cycle but that is not the reason why we are not going back. Simply RCC offers an incentive program, the U does not.  At RCC, we will pay a little more (like $3000) and if our first cycle is not successful, we get do another one for no additional cost.  If it is successful (heaven help me, please), then we are done.  I like knowing that the extra cost will go towards another couple’s cycle.  Basically, it’s insurance.  I have heard wonderful testimonials about RCC and few people I know have had great success there.

The incentive program is the only way I can stomach thinking about doing this again.  I’m starting to get nauseous teary thinking about it.  Honestly, I do not want to do it again.  I don’t.  And honestly, I have been praying for a miracle.  We have been “actively trying” again and it’s a weird place.  A place that seems so far away, so long ago.  I guess it would explain all the emotions I have had lately.  I keep feeling disappointed even though I know our chances of conceiving naturally are less than 0.1% (so they tell us).  It’s probably because I literally get on my knees and beg, everyday.  I want a miracle. I know miracles happen because I’ve seen them. 

I’m just so scared.  It’s hard to willingly put yourself in danger.  Knowing that your world could be shattered…again. Why do we do this?  No explanation needed, I know. Michael surprised me today by saying he feels really optimistic about this cycle.  I was shocked considering a week ago he felt worse than I do now.  I wish I felt the same.  Some days I do, I guess.  We are both terrified of the financial end of this rotten deal.  Last time we were fortunate enough to have the money.  This time, not so much.  I hate money.  A necessary evil.  We are both scared of taking out a $15,000 loan and making monthly payments that could be a potential reminder of constant disappointment, sadness, and empty arms.  The only thing that fifteen grand bought us last time was a broken heart.  

However, despite all of these feelings, we move on…we move forward.  As much as I don’t want to do it, of course, we will anyway.  I think I am turning into a masochist.  Heaven help me, please.

Epiphany...

I stalk infertility blogs.  They are plentiful, unfortunately.  They all resonate with me in some way.  Almost every time I read a post I feel it's me writing it, which is unfortunate also.  Today, I read a post on a blog that made me feel this way again.  This was not unfortunate, however.  She wrote how she had an epiphany playing a card game with her hubby and realized that if card games on a Saturday night was all she ever had she was happy, content, and fulfilled.

I found myself agreeing again.  I realized I feel exactly the same way and I was a little surprised, a little not.  I'm I was hoping that one day I would be here but I never thought it would happen so quickly.  It helps that I firmly believe that it won't just be Michael and I for the rest of our lives but I still would be okay.   Probably better than okay, I would be great.  I am done being sad about our infertility.  I still long for a baby but I am so happy to be feeling like us, again.  I am thrilled that I feel like this one thing no longer consumes or defines our lives.  Of course I still think about it daily.  I always will and I will never give up on my future children.  But, there is a certain peace I feel when I think about it now.  Peace and certainty.

The new year brought a new attitude, new hope.  I am hopeful again.  With hope comes the possibility of disappointment and that is scary.  I have 100% turned this matter over to the Lord.  I humbly submit myself to His will and His plan for us and our family.  I know this all on His time (funny...I would get so bugged when people would tell me that) and it will happen when He wants it to happen.  I am certain that we have very special children waiting for us and they are our children.

Akayla Zoe and Curtis Bryce...

I got a call Monday night from a friend from our old ward and neighborhood letting me know that a dear family, mother, and friend in our old ward, tragically lost their sweet baby girl when she accidentally ran over her with the family van.  I was able to attend the precious funeral today to say goodbye to sweet, Akayla.  This family is the nicest, most charitable, sweet family and they need help with expenses for the funeral.  I'm soliciting.  There is a button on the left that will direct you to their family blog where you can make donations and on at the bottom of this post are links to the story and also places where you can make donations.  The following is an email from the friend that told me about the tragedy:

Dear Friends and Family,
 
This past week has been full of emotion as we experienced a tragic accident in our neighborhood.
On Tuesday night, one of our sweet moms went out to move her van and didn't know her 2 year old had followed her out the door.  Any parent's worst nightmare followed as this sweet girl was hit and killed by her mom.

We have all been in shock and have looked for various ways to help this family.  We have lived here for 7 1/2 years and have known this family that long.  They are sweet and dear and the kindest people you will ever meet.

Last summer, Angie stopped by my house with dinner - "because she was thinking of me..."  She had no idea I was having possibly one of the worst weeks of my life.  But that is just the way she is.  They have 4 other children - ages 10 - 4 and are expecting their 6th later this year.  In the midst of her busy life, she unknowingly took care of me when I really needed someone.

As a neighborhood we have come together to clean their house, do some minor repairs and otherwise get their home ready for the family's return today.  The simple fact of the matter is that this family does not have a lot of "extra" financially.  The cost of the funeral and replacing a van that they can't bear to look at anymore is going to be very difficult for them.  As we cleaned their home, we found a jar with a "vacation fund" label and it had maybe an inch or two of coins in it.  
 
Every year we donate a few bucks to the MS Bike Ride, the Cancer Society, our college Alumni Association, Scouting, etc...  While each is a great cause, our money goes into a fund and we never get to see how we impact an individual or family.  I am asking you to consider donating to a family that really needs help and who will be impacted by any size donation.  It will all be appreciated and will help.  It will also make you feel good to know you are helping a family in need.
 
I have attached a website that has been set up to accept donations or you can donate at any Wells Fargo branch for Akayla Ferguson.
 
Hug your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews and friends.  Life is too short and can change at any time.
 
http://akaylasfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=14055644 
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=akayla-ferguson&pid=147981970&fhid=11609&eid=sp_ommatch

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While I'm soliciting...Michael's cousin, Curtis (Bryce) Howard, was diagnosed with colon cancer in December.  It was reported today that it is now stage 4.  He is 31 years old.  His wife, Shannon, and his family are hosting a benefit dinner that will help pay for the costs of his medical care.  It sounds like it will be a lot of fun!  Below is a link to his blog and information about the fundraiser dinner.  The tickets are $10 and there will be lots of great raffle prizes and a silent auction.  Everyone is welcome and encouraged to come:

Curtis Bryce Howard Cancer Fund

Benefit Dinner/Silent Auction and Raffle

When

February 5, 2011

5pm-8pm

Where

West Valley Family Fitness Center (Upstairs Room)

5415 West 3100 South, West Valley, UT 84120

Here is LINK to Shannon's blog to make donations and HERE is the Facebook page for  more detailed information about the benefit. 

 If nothing else, please keep Akayla's and Curtis' families in your prayers.

Curtis and Shannon Howard

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.