Parenthood...

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

I explained that the difference between a woman who was able to get pregnant on her own without a whole lot of effort and the one who went through the pain of infertility is that the infertile woman goes through motherhood remembering the pain of empty arms.  Nothing that happens as a mother; bad day, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness, frustration, boredom or any of the less-fun parts will ever be as bad as that horrible ache.  Mothers may whine about being tired, about the fact that the trip to the grocery store counts as "me time" or about the whole "haven't slept for eight hours straight in two years" thing

 but


We wouldn't trade it for anything. Period.  


You might want to tell me I have no idea what I am talking about since as of yet, I am not a mother.  However, I know I will have a constant reminder of the my life before my child and no pain compares to the possibility of never having that child.  Even when your kids are a pain in the neck.....I read this on a friends blog and she reiterates my sentiment, beautifully. 

After a very long day, I went grocery shopping, skinned my toe in the parking lot, had some other fun drama happening, was beyond exhausted and looked forward to watching "The Big Bang Theory" and then collapsing into bed after a hot shower.

Five minutes into "Big Bang" I heard Julia crying.

"Honey, can you check on her please?" Mike nodded like a champ and got up. He opened the door, turned on the light and came sprinting into the kitchen.

"She threw up."

I jumped off the couch (no small feat for being 30 weeks pregnant) and ran into her room.
She was sitting in the middle of her bed, sobbing and *COVERED* in vomit. As was her bed, pillow, sheets, floor, bunnies (she sleeps with two blanket-bunnies) pacifier and everything in a three foot radius.

I stood there looking at her as she looked up at me and wailed, " Mamma! I gwoss!"
Trying not to cry with her, I yanked her out of bed and turned to Mike.
"Baby or bed?" He looked at the bed and grimaced.
"I'll take the bed. Get her cleaned up."
I thanked him (I was not wanting to try to clean up that mess) and carried her into the bathroom.

I yanked her clothes off and examined her. There was vomit in her hair, her eyebrows, all over her face and arms and even in between her fingers.
I turned the bath on as I tried to clean her up.
She huddled close to me, shaking as the water began to fill the tub. "Bath?" I nodded. "Yeah, Julia's going to have a bath." "NO!!!" She clung to me and began to cry.
I sighed. "Does Julia want  Mamma to take a bath with her?" She nodded. "Oh, yes."
So I stripped down, grabbed her and pulled her into the tub. The vomit took forever to get out of her hair and she cuddled close to me as I poured warm water on her shoulders trying to help the chills go away.

After about ten minutes (and several trips to the washing machine on Mike's part later) she was clean and warming up. So we got out, dressed her, re-made her bed with new sheets, gave her some water and put her back to bed.
And repeated the entire process twenty minutes later.

As I sat on the edge of the tub holding my daughter over the toilet bowl, I reflected on my earlier conversation with Jenn.

I was exhausted, I was covered in vomit, it was almost midnight, Mike was saying things like "let her sleep with us" and I had to go visiting teaching in the morning (I had to cancel; we're 90% sure she just ate something that didn't agree with her but since I didn't sleep last night, she puked a good chunk of the night and we aren't 100% sure she's not sick I didn't want to expose her to other kids or babies and let their parents have as much fun as we did.)
Honestly, not the most fun I've ever had in my life.

But would I ever trade this vomit-covered child for the ability to go to bed and sleep eight (or more) straight hours? Would I rather have spent my evening watching mindless  tv while the second bedroom stood quiet as an office instead of Julia's room? Would it have been worth the trade-off to sleep next to my husband with my arm wrapped around him instead of sleeping next to a little girl who kept sitting up and kissing both of us on the cheek saying "Wuff you?" Even on the "gwoss"-est of nights, I wouldn't trade it for peace and quiet. I'd rather have vomit in my eyelashes and a little body cuddling close for comfort any day than that horrible ache of empty arms and an overly clean house. Nothing compares to that ache.
And nothing compares to the joy.


**It's my big sister's birthday today!  I think she is a little annoyed with me that I can't spend the day with her.  What's my excuse?  Right, I have to study (and go to work).  I dream about the day where I no longer have to cancel plans, sit in my office or at school, listen to online lectures that make your ears bleed, and say the words, "Sorry, I have to study".  I promise  I will make it up to you.  Happy Birthday, Whitney!!  I love you!



*Bethany, Whitney, Mom, and Me.

Reschedule...

I got part of my fall schedule today. Guess when I have my Psych clinicals? Yep. The very same day our egg retrieval is schedules for.  There are four clinical groups and mine just happens to be scheduled at the worst possible time.  We have a lot to think about...hmmm.

*I will add, not only is it the same day as the egg retrieval but it's also the same three weeks where I will be monitored every day with ultrasound to see how the egg follicles are developing, same weeks as the transfer where I will need to be on bed rest for 5 days, same weeks as my blood pregnancy test.  It sounds silly to say that I don't want to change groups but I really, really don't want to.  It would almost be like starting school again.  I know we'll come up with a solution, I just don't know what it is.

Crybaby...

Hallelujah! My Med/Surg clinical rotations are done.  I am on the downward slope of this crazy roller coaster.  I just have 5 grueling lectures left in Med/Surg as well as OB (although, those are not so grueling for me, I'm in love with OB).  I have four lab/clinicals for OB that start in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!  Aside from the first clinical day of Med/Surg, I had really awesome experiences on all the different units I worked on.  I had wonderful nurses who taught me so much and I learned a ton.  I learned a lot about myself too:

#1-I'm a cry baby.  I kind of already knew this about myself but I didn't know that I do not have the ability to keep my emotions in check on the job.  I cried when I was on the Medical/Oncology unit, entering a patient's room to give her a bed bath.  She was on hospice and her entire family was there.  It took me literally three seconds for my eyes to well-up with big alligator tears when I saw their faces, looking at their dying mother.  I quickly scooted into the bathroom behind the CNA (who, thank goodness, happened to be a good friend of mine) and blotted my tears from my face.  I also cried when I saw a 65 year old man, thank his 57 years old sister for being there for his surgery.  He held her hand and told her how much he loved her and appreciated her for being by his side all their life, and he cried.  I sat there wishing I had that same relationship with my brother.  I cried when I admitted a 20 year old boy-man that just got a new kidney from his sister.  He started to cry when he said he was so glad he didn't have to be on dialysis anymore but that he wanted to go back to the clinic to thank all the people there for what they have done for him over the last 7 years.  I guess along with the gag reflex, not crying in front of patients is yet another unwanted trait need I need to work on.  But...

#2-I absolutely can control my gag reflex.  I had throw-up guy on my last day and I can't tell you how proud I am of myself that I did not once feel like I was going to lose my lunch.  This guy could not keep anything down.  He was throwing up stomach acid and bile and doing it about every 30 minutes.  It was so gross and I felt so bad for him because he was so miserable.  To my evil gag reflex's credit, I can't say that I had very many worthy opponents and I'm sure I will get the opportunity to really test it out in the near future.

#3-The most important thing I learned...I think know I can really do this.  I have found my groove.  I have definitely doubted sometimes through the last three semesters if this is really for me (mostly because of the nasty gag reflex). I now know that it is.  It's hard, I mean really hard and I think my classmates would agree.  We were just saying yesterday, yet again, we don't know that we will survive and that it really blows sometimes but we all agreed that it is so fun!!  Through all the tears and melt downs, we are still having such a blast!


*Although I really am having fun, this pretty much sums up the last four weeks beautifully.  This is one of our many study groups on my lunch break.


I am really looking forward to having a few weeks off in August to read for pleasure, maybe take a Sunday nap again and seeing a lot more of Michael hopefully. I also start my meds for our IVF on the 22nd of August.  Sheesh!  I must be crazy.

I'm alive...barely.

Wow, what a month!  I don't have much to say on the baby front. What??  Nothing to say? I know, it's true though.  I can honestly say for the first time since our diagnosis, IT has really not been on my mind very much.  Honestly. As I had anticipated, I have been so busy this semester I haven't had the brain capacity to think about anything but medical diagnosis, surgeries, and well, babies.  Babies have been on my mind but not for the reason you are thinking.  I am taking Med/Surg I and OB.  I LOVE my OB class.  I feel like I had a head start because I have been familiarized with fertility, infertility, conception, and the baby, baby, baby language.  I am definitely in my comfort zone in OB and I can't wait until clinicals next month.  I wish I could say the same for Med/Surg but hopefully I will get there.  I'm definitely not in my comfort zone here.  I've had some really good experiences with my clinicals and some not so great experiences.  My first clinical was a disaster.  I didn't kill anyone but that's only because I didn't have the opportunity.  My nurse would not let me do anything.  I realized later that she barely talked me.  I only count it as a success because I got my nose right in a stool sample and didn't gag.  My second clinical was amazing!  I had a great nurse who actually wanted me to learn and it was the best experience.  It's all been so overwhelming to say the least.  I always say every semester that I am so busy but I had no idea what busy was until now.  I have no time for family or friends which is fine for a few more weeks but I don't even have enough time to do the things I need to for school.  That's been frustrating.  I am not smart.  I have to study...a lot...to do well.

On the baby front (since I am allowing myself to think about something else other than school), we are still excited and can't wait to start.  I have been loving having my Michael back.  He has been the new-old Michael since quitting his crappy job.  We are still looking for other opportunities to build the baby fund but it's getting there.  We are getting so close...just have to survive the summer!


*This is me studying with my group trying to figure out the greater than < > less than signs.  Yes, even in nursing school we do 4th grade math.


*And P.S.  Happy 60th birthday to my amazing Dad!  My dad has been the best example to me over the years and he is what I strive to be.  Thanks for all your love and support through everything!


*Does this guy look 60?  I don't think so, either.  Love you, Dad.

Some Changes...

I cannot believe how busy this semester is already and we are only a couple of weeks in.  I study almost every minute I am not sleeping, eating, or pooping.  Sorry for saying poop but it's true.  I have really had to apply myself and come up with new way to study.  Honestly, I have never had to study very much to do well...so far.  I actually bombed my first test of the semester.  In my program you need an average of 78% on all of your tests to pass the class...I got a 74%.  It's been a very humbling experience for me.  I was completely unprepared for what they were dishing out.  We shall see on Tuesday if my new "I'm-sorry-but-I-can't-(fill in the blank), I'm-studying" method works out.  I hope family and friends do not take it personally that I will be ignoring them all summer.  Hopefully it will be better come August.

On a brighter note, there has been a little change of plans.  Michael is quitting his second job!  This was a tough decision and one that came with a lot of thought and prayer.  See, we actually went to see a therapist.  My work has a free employee assistance program that offers counseling and we took advantage of it because we wanted to make sure WE were okay.  We are definitely okay, more than okay.  But, we did so some prophylaxis on our relationship.  We have been so consumed with our fertility issues that because of the lack of time we have together, it seemed like it was the only thing we have in common lately.  Let me say again, we are more than fine!  We have had no issues in our relationship that caused us to think that we might not be, but we have been warned that infertility can do a number on a married couple's relationship.  I really think we went mostly for a professional's confirmation that we are a cute, loving couple and because we really like to talk about ourselves.  Anyway, she confirmed that we are cute and loving and that yes, we like to talk about ourselves.  She did get us thinking though.  She reminded us that all of the stresses in our life are ones that we have chosen.  She suggested that we think about Michael quitting his second job.  At the time, I thought that was a terrible idea since quitting his job would just be eliminating one stress and adding another.  We still need money to do this so...

I have been thinking about this since then and Michael thinks about it all the time since his job is miserable and he doesn't have a day off.  I love his hard work and dedication to do anything to make this all possible for us. He always has a great attitude, even when he doesn't want to do something.  But, lately he has become depressed and mopey and it's been hard for him to hide his feelings about the job.  I told him a few weeks ago that I missed him because he hasn't been the same guy for a couple of months.  So...no day off, no time together, not being able to go to church, hating the actual work, and basically having no life...it got me thinking.

Up until the today I thought there was no way we would decide that quitting would be the best thing for us right now.  I have been pondering and praying about this ever since the counseling session.  As I was sitting (alone) in Sunday school, something came to me very quietly.  Money is just money.  We will always make more.  Michael needs to quit his job.  The money is not worth sacrificing the most important things in our life right now.  I felt like it's more important for him to be at church every Sunday and for us to have a little more time together.  We have been trying to focus on church, going to the temple, and what's really important.  Money is not one of those things.  I know we will be blessed for doing this.  I just really feel like this is the right thing for us to do and I didn't have to talk Michael into it.  We will continue to pray for other opportunities to make a little extra money for our IVF but either way, it's going to happen.  If we have to charge it then...CHARGE IT!  I'm really good at that.

I Believe In Miracles...

I started school again today.  It looks like it's going to be one busy semester.  I'm excited about it because I'm banking on it flying by.  In just ten short weeks I will be finished with another semester and officially half-way done with nursing school, Michael will be finished with the Census job and baking in the Lake Powell sun, and we will be so close to starting our IVF cycle.  I cannot wait to start!

I have been trying to think of the blessings our infertility has brought me.  Well, one of the blessings has definitely been a good friend, K, whom I was introduced by another good friend, several months ago.  Our mutual friend had read my blog and suggested that K and I become friends on Facebook because she too, struggled with infertility.  Our situations are exactly the same, we are the same age, and after talking to her, turns out we were going to the same doctor.  We started emailing, chatting on Facebook, and talking on the phone.  This woman has been an incredible support to me.  It was so good to talk to somebody who was going through the exact same thing I was.  We can talk about any issue and not worry about getting some lame, hurtful-but-mean-well comment.  We finally met face-to-face when we were at our IVF consult and she was there, getting an ultrasound.  She started her first IVF cycle a couple of months ago.  We went to dinner with K & D last week and Michael said he couldn't believe what good friends we have become in such a short time.  I cannot express how emotionally attached I became to her process.  I have never prayed so hard for another person in my life.  I wanted so badly for K & D to become parents.  I did two fasts for them and was so emotional after her transfer, I broke down.  I prayed so hard right then and asked Heavenly Father to make it be okay.  I immediately felt at peace.

Fast forward to today...K is pregnant!  Words cannot express the gratitude I feel today.  It is truly a miracle that she is pregnant.  Unfortunately, for the infertiles, getting that positive test does not necessarily put us at ease.  It is definitely a huge hurdle left in the dust but then we worry about the second test.  The HcG numbers have to double in 48 hours.  Then, two weeks later, the viability scan.  I know in my heart that this pregnancy will be uneventful for K and she will be a great mom.  Congrats on your miracle K & D!!

D.O.N.E.

Another semester down, just four more to go...ugh.  I just found out I pulled off an A-, which is not easy task in Fundies (Nursing Fundamentals).  No, I didn't cry when I found out it was an A minus.  It's kind of impossible to get a solid A in nursing school when an A is 95% or above.  I know, rude.  You basically have to be nearly perfect on all of your tests to do that.  It was fun getting to know all the people in my class...I mean really, really getting to know.  Bowel patterns, menstrual cycles, urinary continence (it's okay, some of us pee a little when we sneeze), gag reflexes (mainly mine...working on it), and general weird habits and quirks.

These are the people in my clinical group on our last day of clinical.  That was a beautiful day and seems like forever ago.  I'm going to miss them this semester.  I had to switch to another group because of my work schedule.  Boo.

We started a tradition of going to Village Inn after our tests to drown our sorrows and anxiety in pie!  Free pie Wednesdays!

Stefanie, Me, Cori, and Flint practicing in the lab.

 

       This is my lab partner, Marie.

Me and Stef, practicing wraps. Lame but we have become quite good friends.

Stefanie giving me her first shot.  I know it looks like I'm freaked out but I really did trust her.  She was just so nervous.  She did a great job...I didn't feel a thing.

Cori and I with our Shim.  It's half male, half female.

Tuesday night study group in the cafeteria.  I had to come study on my lunch break since I worked Tuesday nights.

This coming summer semester is going to be the definition of crazy.  We have OB and Med Surg I.  I am really looking forward to delivering babies and learning more about the basics of nursing but we are going to be beyond busy.  Eight-12 hour clinicals, weekly test, eight hour class days, preloading the night before said 12 hour clinicals, and the dreaded 12 hours-to-write care plans.  It will be over in ten short weeks.  Bring it on!

 (Thanks, Marie for being our group historian and always taking all the pictures!)