Birth Story Part II...

The nurses came and got my Pitocin started at 2pm and we settled in to what would be our home for next 36 hours. I remember feeling numb and like I had failed. I was embarrassed. I thought failure and embarrassment were odd emotions to be feeling when your baby dies. I felt embarrassed to have to start telling people that Cora didn’t make it. I felt like I let everyone down. I was embarrassed to let myself think we had made it, that we would meet her alive. I failed her. If only I had gone in the day before when I was so worried. I knew it. I knew this was going to happen. It’s weird how so much can change in an instant. The world that I thought I would have, hoped I would have was obliterated. I had hoped to be among the lucky few to bring her home for a little while. I felt betrayed by the support groups I had participated in over the past few months. They gave me too much hope. For as much as we tried to prepare ourselves, we were still blindsided.

I called my mom, our Angel Watch counselor, Carolyn and our photographer, Brooke. Michael called his parents and asked them to spread the news to family so we didn’t have to say it over and over, Cora had died. She died. It didn’t seem real. I was deeply hurt and grieving my baby but all my focus shifted immediately to Elena. I was terrified something was going to happen to her. The residents and nurses came back in to check everything out. Twins are delivered in the O.R. to be ready for any complications. On an O.R. table, not in a uncomfortable regular L&D bed. If you’ve been on or seen an O.R. table you might wonder how that is even possible without falling off! I asked if it were possible, now that Cora was gone and Elena would exit first, if I could stay in my room to deliver. They said yes and I’m pretty sure that change made a world of difference.

My contractions started, so the monitor said. I wasn’t really feeling much yet. They came to check me (ouch!) after a few hours on the pit and I was excited to hear about the progress. “Your at a one!”. I guess I was supposed to be happy about that? Going from a fingertip to a one is progress, right? This would start the pattern of checking every four hours and only going up a half a centimeter each time, if that. I was certain after being checked a couple of times that it would all end in a c-section. I prayed so hard to avoid that but feeling extremely bitter at the time, I felt I wasn’t going to get what I prayed for. I remember feeling like a spoiled child and actually telling Michael I never get what I pray for, when it really matters. So I was completely prepared for a c-section.

I was having to get up every 30 minutes or less to pee because they had pumped me so full of fluid, suspecting I was dehydrated. My heart rate had been elevated from the moment I had been admitted. Thus began the dance of the beeping monitors and trying to relax enough to make it come back down. Around 10pm, I was only at 1+. Ugh. They kept asking me if I needed my epidural and I kept refusing. I still wasn’t feeling much. Then, they came in and told me they were going to insert a balloon catheter into my cervix and manually dilate it. I asked for my epidural at that point. I didn’t feel like I needed to feel any of that. The cervical checks were enough for me. My cervix is very posterior and high so I’m pretty sure it hurts me extra when I get checked, especially by a family practice resident who, bless his heart, was not sure which way was up.

The anesthesiologist came in and did her thing with no complications. Suddenly, I felt great. I really had no idea how uncomfortable I was until I wasn’t. I was trying to get comfortable in the bed and it just wasn’t happening but attributed it what I had been dealing with the last three months. I was hugely pregnant with twins and comfortable was something I hadn’t been in a long time. I got myself comfy and pretty much slept the whole night with few interruptions. I woke up to the nurse and doctor coming to check the progress the balloon was making. They said it usually will dilate to a four in four hours. After four hours I was a two. Boo. They said they would leave it in for another four hours and check again. I was even more convinced that a section was in my future. They said progress was progress and as long as Elena was tolerating it, they’d let me keep going. They also said I could just cut my losses and do the c-section any time. I said they would not be hearing those words from me. Fast forward another eight hours and little progress and I was seriously thinking of calling it but didn’t because I was not feeling the contractions. I was just mostly tired of laying in the bed and I was hungry! I couldn’t eat after I had the epidural (which is another reason why I didn’t want it so early) and I had enough illegally obtained jello. They finally realized it would still be a while and snuck me a very dry turkey sandwich. Nothing ever tasted so good. My energy was low and my anxiety was high but I just had to think about what cutting me open meant and I continued. 

After 12 hours, no matter how dilated the balloon made me, they had to remove it for risk of infection. After 12 hours they checked me again and I was a 2-2.5+ centimeters. Sigh. They removed the balloon and decided Elena was low enough to safely break my water. My feeling all along was once my water broke, things would start moving (hopefully). They broke my water and went back and forth about whether or not it was meconium stained. They decided it wasn’t but I suspect that maybe it was because of how compromised she was at birth. It was about 11pm now and I tried to sleep thinking it would still be a long time before we saw any babies. My family had just left after playing games and waiting and Brooke, my sweet, sweet photographer was in the waiting room. I felt terrible because it was such a long time for her.

I tried to sleep but when my family was there, I noticed my epidural wearing off of one side. My right leg became un-numb and I started feeling the contractions in one spot on my belly and I was starting to really hurt. The anesthesiologist came in to re-dose my epidural and I immediately started to feel nauseous and light headed. The nurse checked my blood pressure and it tanked to70s/30s (epidurals will do that). She called the doctor back in to get my blood pressure back up and I immediately felt better. I closed my eyes to try to get some more sleep. No go. My epidural medicine ran out and the doctor was stuck in an emergency c-section so it couldn’t be replaced right away. I started feeling a ton of pressure. Every contraction was more intense and I was dying for the doctor to come back in and get that epidural started again. I was gripping the side of the bed and Michael was talking me through the contractions, letting me know when the worst is over. After a while, not wanting to be a pain, I called the nurse again and asked her if the anesthesiologist was available yet because I was really feeling tons of pressure. She told me that epidurals don’t numb pressure, just the contractions. I had no idea I wasn’t feeling the contractions. She wanted to check me after that and I was dilated to 4 centimeters. It had only been a couples of hours since they broke my water and I dilated like I was supposed to! I felt like superwoman! Finally, some real progress. The pressure continued and I expected to dilate a centimeter an hour from then on so I knew it could have been another 6 hours but I was finally seeing the light. There was an end to this after all. The final hours got really intense but I didn’t feel like it was anything I couldn’t handle. 

One of the residents came in an hour after that and it was about 1am-ish. He asked how I was feeling and I told him about the intense pressure. He said he wanted to check me and the nurse told him she had just checked me an hour before and was at a four. He still wanted to check me. He checked me and raised his eyebrows and said “wow, you’re complete!”. I was shocked! Four to ten centimeters in one hour! I knew all they had to do was break my water! They asked me if I wanted to start pushing but I just wanted to let her come down more. She was still a little high and I wasn’t feeling any urge to push. After about half an hour the resident came back in wanted to do some trial pushing to see if she would come down more. I gave one good push and she came right down so we got ready to deliver her.

I was preparing myself for a lengthy marathon pushing session. My sister pushed with her first for about two hours. I suddenly had visions of it being 5 am before they were out. I had never done this before so I had no idea what to expect. Someone offered me and mirror, something I had not thought about until my super cute photographer told me how having a mirror when she was super numb really helped her see where she needed to push. It was exactly that. I could focus all my energy on one spot because I could see it. I gave one big push and Elena’s head was playing gopher. I suddenly regretted not working out while I was pregnant because I was already tired. I then thought about my sister again and wondered how I was going to push like this for an hour or more. Another contraction was coming and the nurse told me to push like I was pushing her into the floor. She was a little caught up under my pubic bone. The visualization really helped and she was moved passed the hang up. One more contraction and one good push and Miss Elena Kate was born at 1:58am. 

They laid her little (or big!) 6lb 12oz body on my chest. She was beautiful and we marveled how much like Sam, she looked. She was so much bigger than we thought she would be! I was grateful, although size does not equal maturity as we would find out in a minute. I held Elena on my chest and they prepared me to start pushing for Cora. I did not have mirror and I was told that was good thing. Cora who was previously head down, had flipped when Elena was delivered. Apparently, the doctor was up to her elbow inside of me trying to guide Cora’s little body out with doing as little damage as possible to her. Still holding Elena, they told me to give one little push and then to STOP! Her little legs were out and they were still doing their best to deliver unharmed. The skin of a stillborn is very fragile and the slightest friction can tear it very easily. I looked up at Michael and asked him if she was out yet. He nodded that she was almost here and I started to tear up. This was the moment I was so looking forward to and so dreading at the same time. They told me to give one more push and she was out. Cora was born at 2:06am. They laid her on my chest and I was instantly in love. I was holding my girls, together, for the first and last time. I was expecting to be a bawling mess but I was filled with what I can only describe as supernatural peace. My heart was full of so much love and I instantly knew we were not alone. It felt like there were so many people in that room when looking back, there were very few. Michael and I both have said that to us, it felt like she was born alive. She was so present in that room and I will never forget that feeling. 

Cora was so beautiful that I still had a hard time believing her tiny body was broken. She looked so much like Elena and I instantly wondered, if she were to live, how alike or different they would have become. She had a very slight club foot that you might not have even noticed if you didn’t know it was there. I remember trying breathe everything in because I knew I may not get to hold them together again.

Elena was on my chest and she started to sing. On the dreaded humming of a newborn. It’s very cute but as a nurse, I knew this was not good. Parents will tell me their newborns are so cute and all the do is hum and sing. This is not normal and indicates respiratory distress. I handed her over quickly but my heart broke having to split them up so quickly. I thought they would recover her quickly and give back in a minute but they told me they needed to take her to the nursery. It was exactly what happened when Sam was born so I wasn’t worried. My babies need those last few weeks for their lungs to mature and I immediately felt guilty for having her delivered early but looking back, it was the right thing to do and it was supposed to be that way.

 

Michael and I laid with Cora and examined every inch of her. She was so tiny…3lb. 7oz…but so perfect. She had big lips like her sister, lots of hair, and the most precious hands you have ever seen. I miss her hands the most and kissed them about a thousand times that day. She was my baby, my daughter and I already missed her. How I wish I could hold her just one last time. I get sad because the more time goes on, the less I remember how she felt in my arms and I knew it would eventually be like that so I was trying imprint her to my mind. I was already panicking because I was afraid of forgetting her.

36 hours of labor=one tired mama

Michael went with Elena to the nursery so it was just me and Cora for a moment. I asked the aid to go get my mom and have her come in. I would have let more people in but I was spread eagle, getting sewn up so that was not happening. She came in with a tear in her eye and I introduced her to Cora. My sweet photographer, Brooke, reminded me of something I had said when my mom came in. 

“I couldn’t be sad if I wanted to be. We all know what we wanted but His plan was better.”

What faith that girl had! I wish I could say I have always felt that way since they were born. I have dealt with normal feelings of grief and at some pit stops on this beautiful and awful journey, I have been angry. Angry with God because I had so much faith that he could allow her to be born alive. I had so much faith that He could have healed her and made her whole if He wanted to but we never asked for that. We just asked Him for a little time. Time to see her eyes full of life. To hear her sweet, little cry. To feel her warm skin. To have her sister feel her near. She never even saw my face. She never saw the mother that loved her and kept her warm and safe. She never saw the face that belonged to the voice that would sing to her and sister, You are My Sunshine. She never put a face to the beating heart that is forever broken because she couldn’t stay. But I still know, His plan was better. He knows us so much better than we know ourselves and I know there is a very good reason she passed away the day before she was to be born. 

Taking Elena away....

 

Kissing Elena goodbye...

I got cleaned up and ready to move to my maternity room. I decided it was a good time for them to take Cora and clean her up and get footprints, hand molds, etc. I hated being separated from her but my photographer was able to capture the sweetest pictures of her then. I cannot say enough about Brooke and how much it means to us that she was there. They had a hard time getting someone from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to come right away and by the time they got there that afternoon, Cora didn’t look as good as she did when she was first born. The hospital usually takes pictures too but they couldn’t find the camera and I was told Brooke was simply amazing directing exactly how things at that point should go and she captured pictures that we will treasure for the rest of our lives. Some people get really uncomfortable with pictures of babies that have already passed. If you are one of them, read no further. Pictures are all we have left of her and they remind us that she lived and they remind us that we will see her again. This separation is temporary and she is waiting for us, lucky girl.

As I was getting ready to move, a doctor introduced herself as a neonatologist from the NICU and I might have said a swear word in my head. Elena was in the NICU. Dang. I don’t remember a thing she told me but I do remember thinking, okay, she’ll need a little CPAP and then she’ll be back with us in a couple of hours. I was so wrong. They wheeled me down to the NICU to see Elena before taking me to my room. My heart broke when I saw her. She was on CPAP and had an I.V. already. She looked so fragile, I was almost afraid to touch her. It’s a different world when it’s your own child because I have obviously seen hundreds of babies in this condition and have not worried at all. Suddenly, I was worried about how she was going to come out of this. I was assured she was the biggest, healthiest baby in the NICU! I still have feelings of guilt because seeing her for the first time in the NICU, I almost felt like I didn’t know her. It’s hard for me to admit but I had been so worried about Cora the whole pregnancy that I didn’t get a chance to really know Elena very well. Inside, I was panicking that something awful was going to happen to her and that I wasted all the time, “not worried about her”. I did worry during the pregnancy that something would be wrong with her that we couldn’t see on ultrasound. I loved her fiercely but needed more time with her to get to know her and I was terrified I might not get that. 

We left the NICU, still thinking I would see Elena in a couple of hours, and went to my room to be with Cora again.

To be continued…

I love you, Cora.

 *I want to mention that the way I wrote this, it sounds like my labor was only about 12 hours. I left out sleeping most of the night before (thank goodness) after I got my epidural, visitors and more sleeping the whole next day and then things got moving the in the early hours on the 29th. My doctor predicted it would have been somewhere around 4am on the 28th when it actually was 2am on the 29th. So, 36 hours of labor but honestly, I was comfortable for most of it except the final hours. I would do it again a thousand times over. And, because it took so long, my awesome doctor was not able to be there and all three of us were devastated by that. He was amazing and came to Cora's funeral.

Birth Story Part 1...

The days leading up to March 27th were pretty painful, both physically and emotionally. I was a nervous wreck the week of my induction. I was overcome by a feeling I could only describe as "impending doom". I was wrecked by not knowing what was going to happen and the fear of something happening to my girls. I just wanted them out! I will elaborate another day of my feelings and the tender mercies of this week.

The morning of the induction I woke up happy, happier than I had been in a week. I felt like we had made it! After all the nay-saying and overwhelming fear that Cora would die and possibly Elena as well, we had made it. She made it. We had made plans to spend the day with Sam and have dinner with my family before we needed to be at the hospital that evening. We were getting last minute things together when we got a phone call from Dr. Draper. He asked us if we could come to the hospital as soon as possible to get me started even earlier just to be sure he was around for the delivery. He had to go out of town Friday afternoon and really wanted to be there for the delivery (so did we). We called my parents and told them the change of plans and asked if they could come right away. I was sad that we had to change our plans with Sam (not that he knew) but I tried to cuddle him and say goodbye. He was unusually whiny and sad that morning. He was really clingy to Michael and didn't want me. It made me sad but I know that he loves me and that things had not been easy for him the last little while. His mommy just couldn't physically keep up with life.

We arrived at the hospital around 12pm. As we walked in, I had a sense of peace and excitement. We were here to have our girls and we had made it. I was about to do something I had never done, that I always wanted to do. Give birth! We were going to meet our girls in about 12 hours (yeah right, 12 hours!). We checked in and got settled into our room. The entire staff was wonderful! I guess you get special treatment when you are expected to deliver a baby who is not expected to live. Our nurse had a student with her that day. Boy did she get an education! The nurse hooked me up to the monitors. She got Elena on right away but had a hard time finding a good spot on Cora. With all of our non-stress tests, Cora was always wiggly and had a hard time staying on the monitor. She finally got her on (so we thought) and we rested while we waited to get started. I said a little prayer that Cora would tolerate labor and that I would not end up having a c-section.

A few readjustments of the monitors and several trips to the bathrooms, they brought in the ultrasound to verify the positions of my babies. One of the residents did the ultrasound and verified that Elena was still head down, locked and loaded. Our baby B was now going to be baby A. She would be born first. She moved over to Cora. The ultrasound machine was small and shadowy. She kept moving the wand over her body and questioning what she was looking at, saying she couldn't tell exactly what position her body was in. I very slowly started to panic. Very slowly. It didn't look like she was moving from what I could see but I wasn't that worried though because I could hear her heartbeat on the monitor at that very moment. The doctor said she was going to go get another doctor to take a look. I'm so grateful for the way she handled that moment. She knew Cora was not alive but never let on. She wanted to be sure. Had I been looking at the situation from the outside, I would have known to panic at that moment but the fact I could hear her heartbeat, I was still calm.

Another resident arrived. There were about five people in the room at that moment other than Michael and myself. I'm not sure who everyone was and why they were all there. She picked up the wand and started scanning, confirming what she was already knew, I'm sure. She scanned over Cora's little body one more time and pointed out the heart that was no longer beating. She said, "yes, here is head and her body curves around like this. And here is her heart. I'm sorry but I don't see a heartbeat for Cora." My world shattered but not instantly. I wasn't sure what she was saying. Everyone in the room was silent and looking at me to process what they had just said. It's amazing the thousand of things the brain can think all at once. To try and process something so unimaginable, to accept it but deny it all at the same time. I was thinking she was completely mistaken because she was just on the monitor! However, in an instant, the words she had just said slowly started to sink in and I began to cry. I tried to hold it together. I really, really hate crying in front of people. I sat waiting for the 'but'. But, she's fine. But, maybe I'm wrong. But, everything is okay. I knew what she had said but my brain could not comprehend it...

No! You're wrong! We are here. 

This is why we're here today, at 37 weeks instead of 38. To give her a better chance of being born alive.

She's fine. She was so strong this week. Her NST was the best it had been in weeks.

We just heard her heartbeat last night!

How did we just hear her on the monitor? When did she die? How could I have not known she died?

Oh, my sweet girl. We were so close.

We were so close. We knew that it could happen but we were so unprepared. Deep down I knew this was going to happen. I had so much anxiety and feeling of impending doom the days leading up to the delivery. I used my doppler every night to hear their heartbeats. I had a bad feeling the night before and got the doppler out and frantically tried to find Cora. I couldn't find her heartbeat easily but kept scanning over where I knew she hung out. I then heard a sound that put me into a panic. A very faint, very slow, irregular heartbeat. I yelled for Michael while still frantically trying to find her heartbeat. I thought there was no way that could have been her. It was too slow! I scanned again and found a very fast, strong heartbeat and I calmed down. I scanned to Elena and then back to Cora and thought everything was okay. What I didn't know was that I was listening to her dying. The first heartbeat was hers. The second was most likely mine. I initially had a lot of guilt. If only I had gone in when I heard that heartbeat...But, nothing could have saved her. She would have died during labor, maybe even on the way to the hospital. I couldn't save my baby girl. The second heartbeat was mine. We all thought, the nurse included, that we had her on the monitor. It wasn't her, it was me. I was tachycardic (high heart rate) when I arrived so they gave me two liters of fluid because they thought I was dehydrated. I remained in the 120s but got all the way to the 160s. I must have been really anxious. I was probably like that all week. It was me on the monitor, not her.

The doctor said they would give us a moment and go tell Dr. Draper. Michael and I broke down. We were sobbing. How could this have happened? It was such a cruel joke to make it so far and so close to meeting our sweet girl alive. My heart was broken and all my hopes for the next days, even weeks were shattered. I had dreamed of spending some time with her and even allowed myself to think we could take her home for a little while. Everything was gone in an instant. Dr. Draper rushed in and told us he wanted to be sure. He put me in a wheelchair and wheeled us down to the clinic to get a good look on the really nice ultrasound. I laid down on a familiar table, in a familiar room. A room that I had had a hundred ultrasounds. A room where we first saw Cora and were told there might be a problem. Dr. Draper put the wand to my belly one last time. "I would not say it unless I was 100% sure, it looks like Cora is no longer with us." He didn't have to say it. I could see it immediately when her perfect little body graced the screen. She wasn't moving and I could see her heart. Her very still, broken heart. It's funny how in a state of shock what one might think. I was still holding on to the ounce of hope that the first ultrasound was wrong. That we would get to the good machines and we would see her kicking away and having secret conversations with her sister. The last ultrasound we had of them, they were both head to head, cheek to cheek. It looked like they were planning mischief when they were probably saying their goodbyes. Dr. Draper wheeled us back to our room and told him how sorry he was. "I'm sorry guys, I thought we had it. I thought we made it." We picked 37 weeks rather than 38 because we knew the longer Cora was inside, the more likely she was to pass away. Not because it was dangerous inside but because she was already on borrowed time. He told us we could go home and wait and let Elena bake another week or we could do the induction. There was no way I was going home. I wanted Elena out. I was already so afraid something was going to happen to her and I was not about to live with that anxiety for a week. He told us that there was an increased risk that Elena could have some respiratory issues and increased bilirubin but nothing too serious. I was fine taking our chances. She was term after all. So we proceeded...

36 Weeks...Tick, Tock

Here's a fun little comparison. I will try and snap some pictures this week. I kind of want to be the girl on the left. Her eyes are smiling and she is feeling the joy you ought to be feeling when you're 37 weeks pregnant.

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain: 21lbs! It's crazy how I tried to not put on too much weight with Sam and gained 30 lbs and I tried like crazy to gain at least that much and it's been difficult to put it on. 

Sleep? I can't believe I'm saying this but I have been sleeping better the last week than I have in months. It's still not great but so much better. Elena dropped and I feel like I can breathe better, my reflux is better, and I generally have more energy. Don't let this fool you into thinking I feel "good" but I definitely feel better. Getting a better nights rest really helps. I'm still up a couple of night to pee and to flip over. Not roll over. Flip over...like a fish. One swift motion.

Best moment of the week?  I am overwhelmed with the love, support, and kindness we have been shown over this pregnancy but especially over the last few weeks. I have been a little resistant to accepting help because I am still working; i.e. not on bed rest and I guess it's just in ones nature to have a "I can do everything" attitude. I definitely can't do it all and have been grateful for the help. This past week, the Relief Society organized babysitting everyday for Sam (which I attribute to having more energy) and left a "Love Box" on our porch. It's a box that people can come and drop off anything they want. We have had something everyday from toys for Sam to treats to notes of encouragement and love.

Miss anything? Me. I miss me. Honestly, I'm not in a great place right now. I am afraid. I'm about to deliver these girls and I'm terrified. The anxiety has set in and we just can't plan anything from now on. I should be overcome with joy but instead all I feel is dread and I cry over anything. How am I supposed to do this? I wish there was an instruction manual to tell me what I'm supposed to do and how the finish product will look. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to survive this?

Movement? Yes. They are running out of room and I can't feel Cora sometimes which of course stresses me out. She is very deep against my spine (that feels wonderful!) and she's tiny so I don't feel her like I feel Elena.

Food cravings? Just chocolate. I have been trying to eat as much as I can the last couple of weeks to put some weight on these girls. They will be small, especially Cora, who was estimated at 3 lbs. a couple of weeks ago. Elena was just over 5 lbs. I'm hoping for 3.5 lbs and 6 lbs. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. My reflux is actually better now that Elena has dropped and I can't believe how much better I feel! Thank you, Miss B.

Labor signs? Lots of contractions! Lots. But who knows if they are doing much. My OB checked me at 34 weeks (ouch!) and I was 60% effaced and not dilated, which was good at 34 weeks. I'm ready now. I will see on Monday if these contractions have been working their magic. Fingers crossed...I would really rather go on my own than be induced. I have been really worried this past week that I wasn't going to make it to 36 weeks and my doctor was also out of town for a couple days and I really want him to be there. After all this anxiety, I will probably need to be induced. I just don't feel like it will happen on it's own in the next 5 days. We'll see.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? A little reflux, heartburn, contractions.

Happy or Moody? Very moody. I feel bad for Michael because I feel like I have been snappy with him. You always hurt the ones you love most, huh? I'm am so on edge and I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. It's making me a little crazy. Sorry, Michael.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. Yes, I'm still working. It is really hard but I'm managing. I have two more shifts this week and then I'm done. I was concerned about going into labor last week but these upcoming shifts are welcome to speed things up so I will do my best to make it through them.

Realization of the week? These girls will be here in 6 days or less! It will be the longest 6 days of my life. Each day that goes by, the more scared I am of Cora passing away. There are some fetal conditions that babies do better inside the womb but these Trisomy 18 babies aren't necessarily safer inside. She is just as likely to pass away now as she is when she's born, especially at this later stage. Her growth has really slowed (measuring almost 5 weeks behind now) and she has developed a cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heart beat). We just don't know how well she will do until she's born. Statistically, she won't have long.

I really can't believe we are here sometimes. Can this really be happening? My prayer is that Cora will live long enough for us to say hello and goodbye and that we may find peace in all this. I'm trying not to be afraid because faith and fear can not coexist. I have faith that God can perform miracles and our miracle would be that we can have a little time with Cora.

34 Weeks...

How far along? 34.3 weeks

Total weight gain: Back up to 19lbs...another official weigh in tomorrow.

Sleep? No. As I was admitting that the last two nights haven't been too bad except waking up to pee a few times, the next night was the worst ever. I just couldn't get comfortable. My belly is so heavy that laying on my side pulls at my back. No amount of pillows will really solve this problem. I'm never comfortable for too long, sleeping or awake.

Best moment of the week?  I'm really trying to stay positive. Really. My mom and dad arrived...for good. Still emotional about them selling their house in California but I'm thrilled they are around forever. It's a wonderful thing to have your family near by. We will just be missing my brother, Collin. Hopefully he will visit often.

Miss anything? Sleep and being comfortable (see above). I'm pretty much never comfortable. Sitting, standing, laying down. It doesn't matter. People tell me I'm still relatively small for having twins at almost 35 weeks but it's deceiving. My belly is super heavy and pulls every which way. The girls are also running out of room so they jab my in all sorts of places. That doesn't always feel good.

Movement? Yes. I do love feeling them move. I know I will miss it. I'm really trying to enjoy every movement, even though it doesn't feel great all the time. I've heard of babies waking their moms at night. That doesn't happen to me. Thanks, girls!

Food cravings? Reese's Easter eggs and Cadbury mini eggs. Yum! I can't eat them all the time because my heartburn and reflux makes me lose my appetite. Also, Honeycrisp apples. They are these incredibly expensive breed of apple but they are huge and yummy! I usually only buy 2-3 at time because of the $3.99/lb price tag.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Heartburn, reflux and vomiting...oh, my! Mechanically, my stomach and esophagus just doesn't work right now. I have to stick to small meals and food that comes back up nicely. I haven't been vomiting everyday but I do have to fight it when I eat a little too much.

Labor signs? Umm, I think so? I contract all the time, resting or not. I guess we will see tomorrow if they are doing anything. The babies have not dropped. I have not lost my plug. My contractions are not regular or painful.  I didn't get to go into labor with Sam so I have no idea what to expect as far as going into labor goes. Regardless, I really don't think it will be much longer. I would put money on somewhere between the 36th-37th week. If I don't go before the 28th, I will be induced. I would much rather go on my own and I'm hoping to hold out until 36 weeks. Either way, we are close!

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Reflux, heartburn, pain. The usual.

Happy or Moody? Emotional. Very emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat but I also am experiencing a fair amount of joy. I can't wait to meet these girls! It's not all tears of sadness. I'm also anxious for the delivery and all the many scenarios that may take place regarding Cora. We just don't know how she will do. We are still praying for a miracle.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. It's getting pretty hard to work a 12 hour shift. Everyone at work is so great. They really try to make it easy on me and I really appreciate it.

Realization of the week? Less than 2.5 weeks, tops! I am so looking forward to meeting these girls! I can't wait to see Sam as a big brother (poor boy won't know what hit him). I'm already so in love with these babies. I still can't believe I'm having girls. Setting up the nursery was surreal with all the little dresses and bows. It still hasn't quite sunk in. 

32 Weeks!

How far along? 32.5 weeks

Total weight gain: 17lbs down from 19lbs. At least I gained back two lbs from when I was sick. I have to eat much smaller meals now or I throw-up.

Sleep? Not good and I don't anticipate it getting better. I sit up for a good hour because laying down just hurts. I wake-up at least three times a night to pee and I have to get situated all over again. I long for the daylight most mornings because it's one day closer to D-day and although I won't be sleeping much then either, hopefully when I am sleeping, it won't hurt so much.

Best moment of the week?  Feeling  much better! I'm so happy to not feel like I am dying. I read that a pregnant woman in California died of the flu. I'm glad I read that after I was feeling better because it would have totally freaked me out. I really thought I was headed that way. Also, the nursery is getting close to being done. That makes me happy. I've hit the nesting phase now that I feel better (not that I can do much) and I feel pretty overwhelmed with what needs to be done still.

Miss anything?  I miss my un-pregnant body. Oh, I completely underestimated how hard it would to be pregnant with twins. I try not to complain because I am so blessed to be pregnant with these girls but it hurts and I can't do much. I miss playing with Sam (I hope he will forgive his mama for being a total bore). I can't take him anywhere anymore. It takes too much out of me and I contract like crazy.

Movement? Yes. They move all the time. I still can't feel Cora as much even though I know she moves all the time. Elena is head down and will make her exit first and Cora is actually transverse (no wonder it hurts so much). She may stay that way but my doctor says it's not a problem and that as long as Elena stays head down, I can still have a vaginal birth.

Food cravings? Reese's Easter eggs...the big ones or small ones but only the eggs. The Reese's minis or regular size are definitely not the same. I don't always eat them though. Like I said, food is not a friend to me. If I eat too much at a time, I will throw-up. It's all mechanical. I just don't have room and my reflux is pretty bad but controlled with Zantac and Tums.

Anything make you queasy or sick? I pretty much throw-up everyday just because these babies are crowding my stomach and my reflux gets away from me sometimes. Sam has pretty much gotten the wrong idea about what the toilet is for. He goes into the bathroom and lifts the seat and pretends like he throwing-up! And when I do, he tries to push me out of the way to join me. I love him!

Labor signs? If I do too much, I contract. My doctor said it's okay as long as it stops when I rest. I can't even carry a laundry basket without contracting. Sam and I push the laundry baskets up and down the hall. He loves it. Don't let that fool you into thinking my house is even kind of clean. I can manage to do the dishes if I do them fast then I have to sit down. When I go to the grocery store, I have to ride on one of their "jazzy carts". They are life saver! I haven't worked (yes, I'm still working) since it's gotten really bad so we will see what happens with that.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Reflux, rib pain, not sleeping, usual aches and pains. Oh the joys.

Happy or Moody? Emotional, very emotional. The close it gets to D-day, which is closer than I probably realize, the more I cry. I cry everyday which hasn't been the norm. I am nervous for delivery since I haven't experienced labor before . I'm so excited to meet these girls but it scary knowing that delivering them means the time we have with Cora is limited. I have such mixed emotions about delivery. The closer it gets, the more scared I get we are going to lose Cora. Everyday inside of me is another day she could die and we won't meet her alive. We picked out a plot for her this past weekend which was surreal. I've said it before, no mother should have to be planning a funeral while her child moves inside her. 

Looking forward to...? Finishing the nursery and getting this house in order. I can't wait until everything is in it's place again. We are still trying to organize the basement and shifting baby stuff around i.e. converting Sam's room into more of big boy room. Although, we are keeping him in his crib for now. I'm not ready for him to have that much freedom yet! I'm also looking forward to my parents being here, for good! They will be here next week and I can't wait. They sold their house in California and that has made me more emotional than I would have ever thought. Even thinking about it right now makes me tear up. But, I'm excited they will be so close and hope their transition goes smoothly.

Realization of the week? We are closer than I had thought. At my appointment this week, we talked about induction and it will probably be closer to 37 weeks than 38 which puts us at March 28th-ish. We went back and forth but after all of that, he told us he didn't think I would even make it that far. He said he would be surprised if I went past 36 weeks. That's just a little over three weeks away! Stress. I'm down to weekly appointments and NSTs and scheduled the rest of my appointments until 37 weeks. There were only four. That's how close we are.

Guest post...

I have been asked by a lovely friend to do a guest post on her blog here. I'm honored, especially since I don't feel like I'm a great writer or have any profound or eloquent insight to life. I'm just honest about my feelings and hope that my experiences and feelings can help others in my situation so they may not feel so alone. Everyone has a story to tell and this is mine...

Michael and I met in 2006 and were married later that year. I honestly never really thought about having children until I met him. I always knew that I wanted children and would get married, wait a couple of years, get pregnant, you know, the usual steps. I met, fell in love, and married Michael and I could not believe how much I wanted to have a baby right away. I wanted to be a mother and really wanted to make Michael a father. We were both still in school and wanted to enjoy the time we had together so we didn't do anything hasty but the urge was there and I couldn't wait until we were "ready".

Fast forward to 2008. After about 18 months of marriage and Michael's graduation, we felt like it was time to start "trying". I assumed, probably like most, that we would get pregnant pretty quickly. The first and second months were disappointing but maybe expected. The subsequent months of negative pregnancy tests and watching other people get pregnant was progressively, excruciatingly painful. Anyone wanting to be pregnant and it's not happening knows this pain. After 10 months, we decided it's time to start poking about to see if everything was okay in the fertility world. After several tests, we found out that no, things were not okay. We needed in vitro fertilization (IVF) to have our children. Other people hear of a diagnosis like this and think, problem solved but it's not that simple or unemotional. It's a devastating diagnosis. IVF is emotional, painful, time consuming and above all, expensive. I don't know many that have an extra $15,000 stuffed in their mattresses. It took us a year to be able to afford our first round of IVF. Trying to relay the emotional roller coaster that is infertility cyberspace than I have so feel free to head into the archives of my blog read about those months and years of heartache and joy.

To sum up 4 long years of infertility, we attempted our first round of IVF. We were so confident it would work, they might as well have just handed us a baby. But yet again, another negative test. Up until recently, that was the worst day of my life. A year of saving a lot of money and anticipating finally becoming pregnant, it didn't work. We didn't know what we were going to do or how we were going to afford to do it again. Fast forward a whole year and we were ready to try again. Different doctor, different plan and we found out we were finally pregnant! That joy lasted a split second because we quickly realized it was not a healthy pregnancy and after 10 weeks of waiting and hoping and praying, I had a D&C. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. We were devastated once again. How could this happen? Honestly, the miscarriage was not as devastating as the first IVF failure because I was happy to know that I could get pregnant. We had one frozen embryo left from our second cycle and it was something we did as soon as we could to "get it over with". After two failures, you kind of anesthetize yourself to the situation and go through the motions. After 4 years, we found out we were finally pregnant and it seem to be a healthy pregnancy. Nine months later, this little monkey was born...

Sam, around 14 months

My pregnancy was joyful, easy and exciting. I will say, having a child makes the heartache of infertility dull and distant. I will never forget what we went through because that would be a shame but he makes it easier to look back and smile. Although painful, I wouldn't change a thing because we have him, not a child, him. He is truly our ray of sunshine and a true miracle. We have loved every minute of being parents and have been eager to give him a sibling.

I have always wanted my kids to be closer together in age than farther apart. My sister and I are 18 months apart and I love it! So around Sam's first birthday, we geared up to do IVF again, maybe for the last time. We went through the motions again and were excited to find out we were pregnant once again. What a blessing! Nervous and excited we went to our first ultrasound to find out we were not only pregnant but we were doubly blessed with two strong heartbeats...TWINS! What!? 

First trimester jitters out of the way, we went to our 12 weeks ultrasound. Excited we saw two strong heartbeats again but something was a little off on Baby A. The baby had an early marker that could mean nothing to a heart condition to a chromosomal defect. My heart sunk. I believed it was nothing but over the next two weeks of testing, I was preparing myself to have a child with special needs, most likely Down's Syndrome. We opted not to have an amnio but did a DNA blood test instead. After two weeks of waiting and praying and preparing we got the results. Our baby's chromosomes were completely normal and we were having two girls!! What a miracle! What a relief!

We spent the next two months, watching our baby girls grow and just being blissfully overjoyed at the thought of raising twin girls along with our precious boy. Our family is complete. The time had come for our 20 week ultrasound and I was very nervous. I knew they would be scanning the the anatomy very thoroughly and I just wanted them to be healthy. After about a thousand ultrasound scans, it's easy to read the technicians. When everything looks normal, they are all happy to comment on how perfect your baby looks. When things are not, they get very silent. We have had a lot of quiet ultrasounds. There were a few things that didn't look quite normal to me but I couldn't put my finger on it. They doctor quickly came in after the ultrasound and let us know that a few things were abnormal. She said her heart didn't quite look right (something we had been nervous about since week 12), her right foot appeared to club, and she another marker that pointed towards a chromosomal abnormality. Nothing major but we weren't sure what, if anything, we were dealing with. We already had a test that was negative for the most common abnormalities so we were terrified we were dealing with something extremely rare. But I still felt confident that nothing was wrong. Maybe a heart defect but hopefully nothing too serious that couldn't be fixed. We opted to have an amnio at this point. I'm a need-to-know person so I can be prepared for what is to come. Initial results from the amnio take only a couple of days but the series of tests that come back during that time, we had already been tested for in the DNA blood test so we weren't expecting results for a couple of weeks. Three days later, just after Thanksgiving, our doctor called and wanted to talk to us immediately (never a good sign). My heart sunk once again and all I could think was, "please let it be Down's Syndrome". It's funny when things turn a corner, you find yourself wishing for the very thing you feared the most. 

It was not Down's (Trisomy 21). It was Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. Our initial blood test was wrong. The test is supposed to be 99% accurate. All I knew was that this diagnosis was labeled "incompatible with life". That's a pretty harsh label for such a precious baby. Our world crumbled. After four years of infertility, a miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, we were told we would most likely have to bury our daughter. How could this happen? Were we not exempt from things like this happening to us? That is what I really thought. I thought we had gotten past the hard part. We had endured our trial. This was not happening.  

Anger, crying, screaming, and questioning ensued. Even now I look back to the severe meltdown I had in the shower and it brings me to tears. I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We spent the next month letting things sink in, researching, trying to accept our daughter's fate. It's still, to this day, hard accept because she is doing so well. She is a tiny, little fighter. She does not show many of the typical anomalies that Trisomy 18 babies show. Just a mild club foot and delayed growth. Her heart is perfectly normal and she is a mover. We have been told she can pass away at anytime but if she lives until birth, we should expect her to pass away within a day to a week.

We don't know what to expect but here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with twin girls, trying to enjoy every moment and make memories with her while her heart still beats. I grieve many things daily. I grieve for her sister that they will never get to share that bond of a twin on earth. I grieve for her brother, who is still too young to understand what is happening (which I find a blessing in disguise). I grieve for her loving father, who will not get snuggle his two daughters together in his big, loving arms. She is still very much with us and we are doing well but we haven't had to say goodbye yet. We haven't done the hard part. We are making arrangements and preparing for the many scenarios that might take place. It's an odd feeling. No mother should ever have to think of funeral arrangements while her child moves within her. I used to think, "why us?" but then...why not us? I am not stronger or braver than any other mother so I would be able to "handle" this better. I do not have a better understanding of why these things happen. I've simply been chosen to be this special little girl's mother and I have been honored to carry her for as long as God will let me. I have a knowledge of our mortal purpose here on earth and she will fulfill hers more quickly than mine or yours.

31 Weeks!

How far along? 31.2 weeks

Total weight gain: 15lbs down from 19lbs. I will get an official measurement at my appointment next week. I'm pretty sure I've lost 3-4lbs in the last two weeks being sick. I couldn't eat much and then about a week into it, I couldn't keep anything down. Horrible.

Sleep? Sleep is something that I think I may have to say goodbye to for a long while. I just started feeling better a few days ago and I have been sleeping better since then but I have so many aches and pains at night. I pulled muscles in my ribs from coughing and it really hurts to lay on either side right now. My hips are very sore at night as well so sick or healthy, I don't think I will be sleeping well from here on out.

Best moment of the week?  The morning I woke up feeling slightly better! Michael was so excited to see my increase of energy that he wanted to do a bunch of fun stuff but I'm definitely not 100%. He is still overestimating how well I feel. I'm attempting to go back to work tonight for the first time in over 2 weeks even though I feel like I could use one more day. But I really am so grateful to finally be feeling better. I have never been so sick for so long.

Miss anything?  Not coughing! The cough has been the worst part of this flu. I have a feeling I will be coughing for long time to come and my ribs are still so sore from it. I also miss food. For the last two weeks I have been selecting my food based on how easily it would come back up. Lots of soups and soft foods. I'm glad I have started getting my sense of taste back. It makes eating a lot more enjoyable.

Movement? Yes. Despite thinking that this flu is killing them (I know it's not), they haven't really slowed down. I think Cora has flipped a couple of times and I'm curious to see if she still breech. Last time I checked her heartbeat, she was.

Food cravings? Just craving to be able to taste and that is finally coming back. Still don't have a huge appetite and I'm trying to be careful of food making me feel sick or triggering my reflux. When I got my sense of taste back, I really wanted sparkling apple cider so I ran out and got some. Just that trip to the store took everything out of me.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Just being sick has made me queasy and sick. I haven't thrown up in 2 days so that is a win for everyone. Sam has gotten used to me throwing up now. He didn't like to see me throw up at first but now he always comes in the bathroom and scoots me to the side so he can spit in the toilet too. What a weirdo. I love him.

Labor signs? No. My doctor has had to reassure me that babies are very resilient and this flu is affecting me more than it's affecting them. I had to go to L&D and get fluids and supportive care and the babies looked great. They almost admitted me but I opted to stick it out at home and come back for more fluids if needed.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Reflux, rib pain, not sleeping, usual aches and pains. Oh the joys.

Happy or Moody? Moody. Having the flu for 2 weeks will do that to you. I had two legitimate melt downs about being sick. Sobs because of feeling like I will never be healthy again.

Looking forward to...? Finishing the nursery. It's cleaned out and almost done being painted. We still need to paint the crib and get a dresser and chair so we have a ways to go. People keep telling me not to worry about it getting done because babies don't really need their own space. True, but I'm not really wanting to worry about anything like that after they are born. I just want to focus on what is happening and snuggle my babies. Plus, their clothes and diapers are currently in bags and boxes on the floor. Not ideal.

Realization of the week? We are super close. 6-7 weeks left. Sounds like an eternity to a largely pregnant woman but it's not really that far. I'm hoping it's that long still. We are so not ready for them to come anytime soon. We have too much to do still.

Hopefully I will get around to taking a picture. My wardrobe has been pajama bottoms and over sized shirts and my hair needs some serious attention. Not really excited to get in front of a camera.