Just the Two of Us...For now...

Caution: TMI ahead. I have been reflecting on some past experiences lately. This is not a new thing obviously but the other night, all of these old feelings came rushing back. I was 9 days late this month. I usually have 30-32 day cycles but for some reason I occasionally will have an extra long cycle lasting around 45 days. We have not been actively "trying" simply because...well...it can be exhausting and emotional. Last month, however, I knew I was ovulating when we...ahem...baby danced and a little part of my brain thought, maybe.

Fast forward the two weeks after ovulation and no period. So, I took a pregnancy test just for kicks. Michael asked what I was doing and I told him, treating it kind of like a joke. I knew it would be negative...I really did but there was a part of me that couldn't help but be a little hopeful. Of course, it was negative and I was a little sad...really, only a little.

At that moment I was so grateful for being in the place we are. No more monthly breakdowns, no more staying in bed for two days, no more resenting pregnant women, no more wondering. Wondering why I wasn't pregnant, wondering what as wrong with us, wondering if it will ever happen.

As I reflect on the past, I realize how much support I have had from strangers.  Right when we officially started trying, I stumbled upon a discussion board on http://www.webmd.com/ only because it is the only website I have access to at work.  It was there that I found women who were going through the same trials and emotions I was.  It was, and still is an incredible support system.  We did not want to tell people at first that we were trying to have a baby and this was a way to talk about it without having to talk to family, friends, etc.  There are women on there that I have "known" for over 18 months now.  There is also a website that a friend suggested, http://www.2ofus4now.org/ .  It is an LDS infertilty website that offers support to LDS couples experiencing infertility.  Not to sound dramatic but I really don't know how I would have gotten through the last 18 months, particularly the first ten, without them.  There's a great article on there by Ardeth B. Kapp entitled "Just the Two of Us--For Now".  She was never able to have children and I have to admit when I first read it, I was not in a good place.  I rejected it completely, sobbing.  I have recently gone back and re-read it and the woman is incredible.  There was a particular piece that struck me:

"If I have any comforting message for you, it is this—Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel.

On the other hand, the characteristics of motherhood, which include concern for others, sacrifice, service, compassion, teaching, encouraging, and inspiring can be the noble labor for each one of us now, with or without children. The fate of each spirit in the eternities to come depends so much on the training it receives from those here and now who are willing to help another gain eternal life.

To participate in this glorious work gives meaning and purpose, great joy, and eternal blessings each and every day, even as we anticipate the promises of the future.

If you don’t think that will be enough comfort, let me close with this thought by President Brigham Young:

“Let me here say a word to console the feelings … of all who belong to this Church. Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. … and when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation. And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations. Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter.” (InJournal of Discourses, 8:208.)

What beautiful and comforting words...I don't think I need to say anymore.