Alice in Fertileland

 I found this really funny story on an infertilty website.  It pretty much sums up my 'top ten list', humorously.  It's long but enjoy...

Alice In Fertileland

Once upon a time there was a woman named Alice. She was happily married to a guy named Fred. Alice and Fred really wanted to have children, but somehow it just wasn't working for them.

One day Alice realized Aunt Flo was a few days late with her monthly visit, so she got really excited. 'Maybe,' she thought, 'I'm finally pregnant!'

Alice dashed to the drugstore across the street. She looked for the pregnancy test with the most promises of accurate results, and then quickly returned to her house. When she opened the box, she realized there was just no way she would accurately be able to pee on that little stick, so she got a plastic cup out of the counter, then headed for the bathroom. After filling up the cup, she anxiously dipped the stick into the fluid for the required length of time. Then she lay the stick flat on the counter, and anxiously watched to see the telltale lines. As they slowly began to appear, she was elated to see that yes! She was pregnant!!!

Alice did the happy dance, and then headed for the phone to call Fred. Fred was excited, and immediately rushed home from work. They called both sets of parents, and all their brothers and sisters to share the good news.

The next morning, Alice woke up an hour before the alarm clock went off. She had a crampy feeling. When she went to the bathroom, she was horrified to see the telltale red stain that always indicated Aunt Flo's arrival. She began to cry, and couldn't calm down.

Alice called the doctor's office as soon as they opened. 'I took a pregnancy test last night, and it was positive. But I started bleeding this morning.' They made her take another pregnancy test, and then ushered her into the room to wait.

The doctor came into the room and said, 'Our results show that the pregnancy test was negative.' When Alice began to cry, he turned around and walked out. 'I'll send a nurse in to talk to you,' he called over his shoulder.

Alice left that doctor's office and never went back.

When Fred got home that night, he hugged Alice and tried to soothe her. Then they had to call both sets of parents and all their brothers and sisters to tell them they weren't pregnant after all.

Alice was so depressed that she felt she was living in a black hole where no sunlight could penetrate. One night, she had a dream.

She dreamed that she went to a strange place called Fertileland. In Fertileland, there were lots and lots of children and babies. She smiled to see their chubby faces. But when she held out her arms, they looked at her blankly.

'You're not my mommy,' one angelic cherub told her, before he scampered off.

She followed him, tears streaming down her face. He smiled impishly at her, before running through a door and slamming it shut in her very face!

Alice determined to go after him, but the door only came up to her knees. She looked around the room anxiously, and saw a mysterious bottle. There was a tag hanging from the bottle. 'Drink Me.'

Alice had been taught NEVER to drink anything without reading the list of ingredients, and there were no ingredients on this bottle. So she knew she shouldn't drink it.

But then a beautiful woman walked by. She was about 7 months pregnant, and her skin glowed with health. She smiled at Alice.

'Oh, please, ma'am, won't you tell me how you were able to get pregnant? I haven't been able to, and it's just killing me!' Alice said pleadingly.

The woman picked up the bottle. 'I don't know, my dear. It's just something in the water here, I guess.'

Alice snatched the bottle and drank it quickly. Then she sat down to wait.

Nothing happened.

After Alice had sat there for 14 days, Aunt Flo appeared. 'Follow me, my child.'

Alice followed Aunt Flo into a room full of pregnant women. She would have rushed out, but Aunt Flo gently caught her by the arm. 'Wait a moment, my dear. These women have something to share with you.'

A beautiful woman who was about 5 months pregnant stood up and welcomed everyone. Alice wondered what 'Personal, Home, and Family Enrichment meeting' meant. She quickly learned. It meant that all the women were talking about the children they had, the children they were pregnant with, and the children they were going to have in the future.

Alice sat there, clenching her jaw and trying not to cry. Then when the discussions were over, refreshments were served. Remembering the counsel of the first woman, who said that something in the water was making them pregnant, Alice eagerly drank a glass of a very peculiar pink punch.

Aunt Flo shook her head. 'It's not in the water, dearie. But why don't you try that cookie over there?'

Alice followed Aunt Flo's pointing finger, and picked up a cookie that had 'Eat me' written in pink frosting on top. Noticing all the other women were eagerly partaking, Alice ate the cookie.

Then she sat down on the floor. Aunt Flo waved a cheery bye-bye as she headed out the door.

Alice sat there for 28 days. And then Aunt Flo came back.

When Alice saw her face, her own face crumpled up and she began to sob. She lay on the floor and cried and cried and cried and cried. Pretty soon, there was so much salt water in the room that it began to fill up like an ocean. But Alice just kept crying. Then she started kicking and pounding her fists, and she swam away.

The current carried her to a beautiful green shore. She stood up and dried her tears, and then started walking. As she was headed towards a grove of trees, she saw a baby wearing nothing but a top hat and diapers. He held a pocket watch in his hand, and kept saying, 'I'm late! I'm late!'

Alice followed the baby to a tiny cozy little cabin in the grove of trees. As the baby went in, a beautiful woman who had been sitting by the hearth weeping jumped up and clapped her hands for joy.

'At last! My angel child, I have been waiting for you for such a long time!' The woman hugged the baby and rocked him to sleep.

'How long have you been waiting for him?' Alice asked timidly.

'Oh, a terribly long time. At least twelve months!' the woman said.

'But I've been waiting for five years!' Alice wailed.

The woman shook her head severely at Alice. 'You don't belong here in Fertileland, then.'

Alice knelt down by the woman's skirt, and held it in both hands. 'Please tell me how to have a baby,' she said.

The woman's frown smoothed out. 'If you do everything I tell you, you will get pregnant. Will you promise to follow my advice?'

'I promise! I promise!' Alice was eager to hear the secrets to fertility.

'Well, first of all, you have to relax about it. If you stop trying to have children, and just enjoy having sex with your husband for fun, it will happen.'

Alice raised a skeptical eyebrow.

The woman continued. 'Secondly, when you're in the sack with hubby, make sure you put a pillow under your hips. You know, gravity really helps!'

Alice raised two skeptical eyebrows.

'And I heard that if you and your husband will both take some liquid Geritol, that will really get the juices flowing.'

Alice stood up and started walking for the door.

The woman's voice wafted out after her. 'And don't forget the horny goat weed!'

Alice stopped and turned around. 'Horny goat weed?'

'Yes, I saw something about it on the news last night. It will make you and your hubby want to have sex a lot more often. And you know, the more you have sex, the easier it will be to get pregnant.'

Alice snorted in disgust and walked away.

The woman's voice softly faded out. 'In fact, why don't you two just quit your jobs and have sex all day long? Even if you don't get pregnant, you'll sure have a good time.'

Alice followed a curious path that looked like it went to an interesting place. When she was part way down the path, she saw a curious sight. There was a 3 year old toddler, with sunny golden curls, sitting on top of a giant mushroom.

'Who are you?' the child asked.

'My name is Alice.'

'Where are your children?'

'I don't have any children.'

The child stood up and raised itself to its full height. 'Then you must leave Fertileland!'

'But I don't want to leave Fertileland! I want to have children!'

The child sat back down. 'That's different, then.'

'But I don't know how. My husband and I have tried and tried and tried, and nothing's worked for us.'

The child smirked. 'Then I suggest you quit trying. Do it the easy way. Adopt.'

'Adopting is easy? That's not what I've heard.'

'Oh, sure, it's easy. You don't have to have a swollen stomach, your boobs don't hurt, no morning sickness. Just wham, bam, here's you're baby, ma'am.'

'What does a 3-year-old know about boobs?' Alice asked distractedly. 'And where do I go sign up for adoption?'

'I know plenty about boobs! My mother breast-fed me for two years,' the baby said haughtily. 'And if you want to adopt, you need to go see the Office of Officials. Keep following this path. You'll see it.'

Alice skipped down the path. Perhaps she was going to go sign up and get a baby today!

She saw a building ahead in the distance. As she got closer, she saw a large sign in front. 'Office of Officials.' She opened the door and walked inside.

There, behind a long counter, was the strangest looking man she had ever seen. He had long, prehensile fingers with which he was constantly pushing buttons on an old-fashioned adding machine. He wore a hat made of blotting paper. His soft cravat was floppily and loosely tied, and was covered with ink splotches. He looked at Alice. 'Yes, yes, can't waste time. What do you want?'

'I want to adopt a baby,' she said.

'Yes, yes, must fill out forms.' He rushed from one cubbyhole to another, grabbing papers. He finally lay down a 3-foot high stack of papers. 'Fill out forms, in triplicate, hurry hurry, mustn't waste time.'

Alice took the papers and sat down and started filling out forms. She filled out forms for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours, while the Official Officer punched buttons on the adding machine.

She finally finished with the forms, and took them back to the counter. 'Here are the forms,' she said. 'When may I have my baby, please?'

'Oh, not for at least 5 years,' the man told her. 'Have to review forms, have to do home study, have to have complete medical background, have to talk to your neighbors, have to fill out more forms.'

'Five years?' Alice gasped. 'But, in five years, I'll be 40!'

The man stopped punching buttons on the adding machine and gave her a dirty look. 'Forty? That's too old to adopt.' He picked up her stack of forms and started feeding them through a shredder. He was muttering under his breath. 'Selfish people, wasting my time, make me shred forms when they're too old to adopt.'

'But couldn't you just process things faster?' Alice said pleadingly. 'Then I wouldn't be forty.'

'No, no, must follow official procedures. Mustn't waste my time. Leave now. Good bye. Thank you. Come again.'

Alice began to cry as she walked out the door. She wandered aimlessly through Fertileland. She didn't talk to very many people, but they all said something to her.

'Maybe you're just not meant to have children,' one person said.

'Maybe God has a different path in store for you.'

'There must be something wrong with you. Because I never had any trouble getting pregnant. Did you do anything bad in your life? Maybe God's punishing you.'

'Oh, be glad you don't have children. It's just changing diapers and feeding them and cleaning up their nasty messes.'

'I wish I hadn't had children yet. It would be nice to have time to spend with just my husband and myself.'

In despair, Alice tried to leave Fertileland, but she couldn't get away. She was encircled by 20 pregnant women, bellies bulging, all telling her something different. They pressed in on her, drawing closer and closer, until finally she began to scream.

'Honey, what's wrong?' Fred was soothing her. 'You had a nightmare. You'll be okay.'

Alice got up and went to the bathroom to wipe her brow, that was beaded with sweat. 'Yes, a nightmare. That's all it was. A nightmare.'

Then she saw Aunt Flo. 'No, dearie, it's not a nightmare. You'll never wake up!' Aunt Flo cackled triumphantly as Alice ran screaming down the street.

The End?