Overdue...

I'm going to try to write a very long overdue update on the baby thing, infertility, the elephant in our life.  To sum up, we've been good.  I have been very distracted with school which has been sort of therapeutic for me.  I still have "one of those days" every now and then but generally, we are good.  Sometimes it's hard for me to admit or say in the exact words that I'm grateful that I don't have the extra stress of newborn.  I just realized that if our IVF worked last time, I would be 2 days away from my due date.  I am grateful.  I really don't know what we were thinking?  I know I would have risen to the occasion but we were so blinded by what we wanted, we kind of disregarded what would be best for us and the baby.  I have thought a lot about it and it wouldn't have been any fun at all.  I want to be able to stay home and snuggle my baby as much as I want, not worry about who will be watching my newborn while I go take a test, go to 12 hour clinicals, and trying to fit in hours of studying time.

It's nice to finally say we are officially back on the IVF train.  We met with our new RE, Dr. Heiner 2 weeks ago and really loved what he said.  I was pleased with the things he wanted to change from my last cycle and just grateful that he wanted to change anything at all.  Our last RE said she wouldn't do anything differently and I was really not comfortable with that.  How can you do the same thing and expect a different result?   Dr. Heiner was not thrilled with when we want to do the cycle.  We are tentatively scheduled for the first week in August, the week of finals and graduation.  I know that sounds crazy but hear me out.  That week would be the week of the egg retrieval.  I would have daily ultrasounds in the morning and then the retrieval at the end of the week.  My transfer would be the following week, no tests, no studying, not even working (I plan to take some time off after graduation to do absolutely nothing).  Following the transfer, I will be in bed for a few days and then we are going to Oregon with some friends to relax, de-stress, and try not to think about whether or not we are pregnant.  We can't change the vacation and I can't do it after in hopes that I will have a job that I will not be able to take time off from for 12 weeks.

Dr. Heiner asked if I get stressed during finals and yes I do.  But, that week is not the week I need to worry  about my stress level.  It is the following week where I need to be as calm as possible and I will definitely be able to do that.  I know stress is never an ideal thing in any situation but, really?  Stress does not impact the outcome of IVF cycle! If it did, no one would get pregnant from it.  Those 2 weeks of waiting to find out if I was pregnant or not were the most stressful 2 weeks of entire life!  I'm not kidding. I can't think of any time, even in the last 2 years, where I was more emotionally and mentally unstable.  Michael was about to medicate me...for real.  I'm looking for some validation that I am not crazy or making the same mistake we did last time.  I feel very strongly that I did not get pregnant last time because it was not the right time for us to have child.  I also feel very confident that we will have a child of our own someday and I hope that time is very soon.  I have been going back and forth the last couple of weeks and I feel like no matter when we do it, the time is right.  

I will start meds at the end of June and we are really excited about it.  Nervous, but excited.

I'm Still Alive...

Hello, it's me.  I can't quite put my finger on why it's been so long since I posted but alas, it's been forever!  I might have something to do with the fact that last semester just about killed me.  It was horrible!  We had a test every week, sometimes two tests.  We called it "two-test-Tuesday's".  I had an official mental breakdown for 48 hours the first "two-test-Tuesday".  I was so beside myself.  I didn't know how  I was supposed to work 3 shifts, go to clinical and memorize 54 medications for my test, plus study for another one.  Free time was not in the cards. I spent most of my days in the library, gained 6 lbs, and was on the brink on just completely giving up.  Sometimes, people compare my school experience to their college experience.  No offense, this is not your average Poly Sci degree.  It's intense.  I think some people in my life think I use "I have to study" as an excuse to avoid things I don't really want to do.  The amount of study time in never sufficient.  I really am studying...or doing my best to try.  I get very anxious when I fit in sleep recreational time.  I feel like I should be studying.  I don't really know how to describe it.  It's survival of the fittest. We lost two people from our class last semester and was near losing a few more.  I can't imagine anything worse after coming this far and being to close to it all being over.

We are three days into our very last semester!  Yay!  But, I think they are really trying to kill us this semester.  We have so much to do, no one knows where to begin.  I had 8 hours of lecture on Wednesday, work Thursday, 8 hour lab on Friday, 8 hour clinical on Monday, first test is on Tuesday, and fitting studying for said test and other incredibly boring busy work anywhere I can.

However, it will all be over in 74 days!  10 weeks!  D.O.N.E!  It's been almost two years since I was in a little town in England and found out I got accepted to this program.  I can't believe how fast the last two years have flown by.  Everyone said it would and I believed them but I know idea it would go this fast!

August 5th is graduation...74 days...pray for me!

Ugh...

Ugh, I may have to retract my last post.  Hi…it’s me, Danielle, the infertile.  I haven’t written in a while.  Well, that’s not true.  I have written but I have been lacking in follow through.  I would like to blame my insane schedule (which, it totally is) but it’s mostly because I can’t seem to finish a thought, a post, or even a sentence lately. My mind is a tangled web of thought and emotion.  The last ten posts I have started to write are all word vomit.  Not worth mine or anyone else’s time.

I HATE the way I am feeling lately.  Hate it.  A month ago I felt like I was finally getting to place where I was happy.  Reference previous post if you don’t know what I am talking about.  I hope think I feel the same way as I did then.  Today, I am not so sure.  My heart is once again tortured at the thought that we might not get pregnant this year, or the next, or ever.  I am sad today.  I think I feel this way now because I can feel our looming IVF creeping up on us again.  In just one month we meet with our new RE…

We are not going back to the U of U.  I’m kind of sad, kind of excited.  We are going to a clinic in Sandy, Reproductive Care Center.  The REs at the U did their jobs.  Looking back, I do feel like the ball was dropped in a few areas of my cycle but that is not the reason why we are not going back. Simply RCC offers an incentive program, the U does not.  At RCC, we will pay a little more (like $3000) and if our first cycle is not successful, we get do another one for no additional cost.  If it is successful (heaven help me, please), then we are done.  I like knowing that the extra cost will go towards another couple’s cycle.  Basically, it’s insurance.  I have heard wonderful testimonials about RCC and few people I know have had great success there.

The incentive program is the only way I can stomach thinking about doing this again.  I’m starting to get nauseous teary thinking about it.  Honestly, I do not want to do it again.  I don’t.  And honestly, I have been praying for a miracle.  We have been “actively trying” again and it’s a weird place.  A place that seems so far away, so long ago.  I guess it would explain all the emotions I have had lately.  I keep feeling disappointed even though I know our chances of conceiving naturally are less than 0.1% (so they tell us).  It’s probably because I literally get on my knees and beg, everyday.  I want a miracle. I know miracles happen because I’ve seen them. 

I’m just so scared.  It’s hard to willingly put yourself in danger.  Knowing that your world could be shattered…again. Why do we do this?  No explanation needed, I know. Michael surprised me today by saying he feels really optimistic about this cycle.  I was shocked considering a week ago he felt worse than I do now.  I wish I felt the same.  Some days I do, I guess.  We are both terrified of the financial end of this rotten deal.  Last time we were fortunate enough to have the money.  This time, not so much.  I hate money.  A necessary evil.  We are both scared of taking out a $15,000 loan and making monthly payments that could be a potential reminder of constant disappointment, sadness, and empty arms.  The only thing that fifteen grand bought us last time was a broken heart.  

However, despite all of these feelings, we move on…we move forward.  As much as I don’t want to do it, of course, we will anyway.  I think I am turning into a masochist.  Heaven help me, please.

Epiphany...

I stalk infertility blogs.  They are plentiful, unfortunately.  They all resonate with me in some way.  Almost every time I read a post I feel it's me writing it, which is unfortunate also.  Today, I read a post on a blog that made me feel this way again.  This was not unfortunate, however.  She wrote how she had an epiphany playing a card game with her hubby and realized that if card games on a Saturday night was all she ever had she was happy, content, and fulfilled.

I found myself agreeing again.  I realized I feel exactly the same way and I was a little surprised, a little not.  I'm I was hoping that one day I would be here but I never thought it would happen so quickly.  It helps that I firmly believe that it won't just be Michael and I for the rest of our lives but I still would be okay.   Probably better than okay, I would be great.  I am done being sad about our infertility.  I still long for a baby but I am so happy to be feeling like us, again.  I am thrilled that I feel like this one thing no longer consumes or defines our lives.  Of course I still think about it daily.  I always will and I will never give up on my future children.  But, there is a certain peace I feel when I think about it now.  Peace and certainty.

The new year brought a new attitude, new hope.  I am hopeful again.  With hope comes the possibility of disappointment and that is scary.  I have 100% turned this matter over to the Lord.  I humbly submit myself to His will and His plan for us and our family.  I know this all on His time (funny...I would get so bugged when people would tell me that) and it will happen when He wants it to happen.  I am certain that we have very special children waiting for us and they are our children.

Akayla Zoe and Curtis Bryce...

I got a call Monday night from a friend from our old ward and neighborhood letting me know that a dear family, mother, and friend in our old ward, tragically lost their sweet baby girl when she accidentally ran over her with the family van.  I was able to attend the precious funeral today to say goodbye to sweet, Akayla.  This family is the nicest, most charitable, sweet family and they need help with expenses for the funeral.  I'm soliciting.  There is a button on the left that will direct you to their family blog where you can make donations and on at the bottom of this post are links to the story and also places where you can make donations.  The following is an email from the friend that told me about the tragedy:

Dear Friends and Family,
 
This past week has been full of emotion as we experienced a tragic accident in our neighborhood.
On Tuesday night, one of our sweet moms went out to move her van and didn't know her 2 year old had followed her out the door.  Any parent's worst nightmare followed as this sweet girl was hit and killed by her mom.

We have all been in shock and have looked for various ways to help this family.  We have lived here for 7 1/2 years and have known this family that long.  They are sweet and dear and the kindest people you will ever meet.

Last summer, Angie stopped by my house with dinner - "because she was thinking of me..."  She had no idea I was having possibly one of the worst weeks of my life.  But that is just the way she is.  They have 4 other children - ages 10 - 4 and are expecting their 6th later this year.  In the midst of her busy life, she unknowingly took care of me when I really needed someone.

As a neighborhood we have come together to clean their house, do some minor repairs and otherwise get their home ready for the family's return today.  The simple fact of the matter is that this family does not have a lot of "extra" financially.  The cost of the funeral and replacing a van that they can't bear to look at anymore is going to be very difficult for them.  As we cleaned their home, we found a jar with a "vacation fund" label and it had maybe an inch or two of coins in it.  
 
Every year we donate a few bucks to the MS Bike Ride, the Cancer Society, our college Alumni Association, Scouting, etc...  While each is a great cause, our money goes into a fund and we never get to see how we impact an individual or family.  I am asking you to consider donating to a family that really needs help and who will be impacted by any size donation.  It will all be appreciated and will help.  It will also make you feel good to know you are helping a family in need.
 
I have attached a website that has been set up to accept donations or you can donate at any Wells Fargo branch for Akayla Ferguson.
 
Hug your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews and friends.  Life is too short and can change at any time.
 
http://akaylasfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=14055644 
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=akayla-ferguson&pid=147981970&fhid=11609&eid=sp_ommatch

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I'm soliciting...Michael's cousin, Curtis (Bryce) Howard, was diagnosed with colon cancer in December.  It was reported today that it is now stage 4.  He is 31 years old.  His wife, Shannon, and his family are hosting a benefit dinner that will help pay for the costs of his medical care.  It sounds like it will be a lot of fun!  Below is a link to his blog and information about the fundraiser dinner.  The tickets are $10 and there will be lots of great raffle prizes and a silent auction.  Everyone is welcome and encouraged to come:

Curtis Bryce Howard Cancer Fund

Benefit Dinner/Silent Auction and Raffle

When

February 5, 2011

5pm-8pm

Where

West Valley Family Fitness Center (Upstairs Room)

5415 West 3100 South, West Valley, UT 84120

Here is LINK to Shannon's blog to make donations and HERE is the Facebook page for  more detailed information about the benefit. 

 If nothing else, please keep Akayla's and Curtis' families in your prayers.

Curtis and Shannon Howard

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Happenings...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.  I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I don't want to come across like I have been wallowing for the last month...I haven't.  However, I had a rough weekend.  I'm having an even rougher day, topped off by salt being rubbed in the wound a few times.  I will leave it at that.

THANKSGIVING:

We were able to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was a blast!  We spent the whole day cooking for an army.  I got to make the mashed potatoes and I went a little overboard.  Just because one has 20 lbs of potatoes doesn't mean one needs to cook all 20 lbs.  We slept for about two hours and then headed out for some Black Friday shopping at 3am.  Seriously, we are never going Black Friday shopping in Salt Lake City again!  The people of Longmont, CO are so much more tame and fewer in numbers.  It was an enjoyable shopping experience.  People were actually saying crazy things like, "excuse me" and "sorry, you were here first, go ahead".  We spent the next few days doing more shopping and playing games.  Then, we decided at the last minute to drive home early...I mean really early...at midnight.  We were watching the weather and there was anticipation of a huge storm.  It was the best decision ever.  We missed the storm completely and got home in record time and we did a great job of staying awake.  It was almost fun!

SCHOOL:

I have been busy wrapping up the semester.  I just had my one year HESI.  It's a comprehensive test that predicts how well you will do on the NCLEX.  You have to pass and it's almost impossible to study for.  I was VERY nervous.  I had been taking practice tests and doing really poor on them.  I had myself completely convinced I was going to fail and have to retake it.  Well, I passed!  I actually ended up doing quite well.  I was thrilled! I have finals next week and then a nice month long break.  I'm sure I will enjoy the break and it's much needed but I am looking forward to just getting on with the next semester (which I just found out will be crazy).  The sooner it starts, the sooner I will be done!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas came early to the Hall home.  I was able to hold Michael off until after Halloween at least.  He wanted to put the tree up right away.  We ended putting it up on November 8th, a week after Halloween...yes, a week.  I have always been a "not until after Thanksgiving" kind of girl.  Not this year, I guess.  I'm glad we did it so early.  We have been so busy that we probably still wouldn't have it up yet if we didn't do it then.

We love Christmas!  Michael and I are kind of weird.  We wrap our presents together.  Not presents for other people, presents for each other.  Of course we don't let each other see what we are wrapping but we literally wrap right next to each other.  Yesterday, Michael made a "fort" so the room was divided by a barrier so we couldn't see what the other was wrapping.  I wish I took a picture because now that I think about it, it was probably a funny sight.  I don't know why we do it this way, I guess we just like doing everything together.  I thought about wrapping presents on my own a few times but it's just not as fun as the "fort" and what is becoming a tradition in our house.

I will try to post pictures of our trip and other happenings soon.  Here is one...

A very poor picture of our decorated room.