OMG!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted but OMG!...Guess what?  I am graduating in 2 days!  2 days!! I am 10 hours away from taking my last final in nursing school...ever!!  I can't believe it's finally here. I have been looking at this date on my calendar for two years, especially the last six months though.  I really thought this day would never come.  Michael told me when he was on his mission, he got to a point where he literally accepted the fact that he would be a missionary forever and that he would never be coming home. That is exactly how I have felt these past 8 months.  I have felt like I will be a student forever and that started being okay.  But it's here! It's here!  

I have to say that I have never been more proud of myself and the 38 people who I will be graduating with on Friday.  This has been quite the journey.  I cannot explain how I am feeling right now.  I am a little anxious about the whole thing actually.  I should be studying but I have spent the last two hours cleaning my house and went on a 45 minute run.  I haven't run in ages!  Yeah, I am a little anxious at the moment.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  It will literally be the last time me and my classmates will all be together and that is a sad thought. I have made so many great friends over the past two years.  I could have never done this without their support and friendship.  I definitely could not have done this without Michael.  My sweet husband.  What a guy!  He has done the laundry for two years, kept the house clean and straight and put up with my freak-out sessions related to test anxiety.  He jokes, "I know the last two years have been hard on you but it's been hard on me too".  I cannot wait to spend more time with him and get to know him in a different phase of our marriage.  We have only known each other as students.  One or the both of us has always been going to school since we have been together.  It will be an adjustment but a welcomed one.  I have to make it a goal to do the laundry better than he does.  He is really better at it than I am.

On a side note, I have been asked to speak at graduation. Yeah, I don't know why either.  My classmates nominated me and I feel very honored.  Thankfully, while trying to do anything but study, I was able to finish my speech so I am far less anxious about it than I was a week ago. It's going to be epic! Ha!

Next step will be trying to find a job (I don't even want to talk about that right now) and finding things to fill my time like:

• My new calling:  I just got called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency.  I am very nervous but excited about this.  I love my presidency and I love kids so it will be great once I figure out what I am doing.
• Reading for fun: Any suggestions on what's good?
• Cleaning my house:  I need to deep clean my house really bad.  I have two years of notes and a mountain of books in my office that needs to be burned organized
• Exercise: I went running tonight and I'm going to do it 'til I love it.  I don't love it yet but it felt good to run off some stress.  I also haven't mentioned that I have lost 25lbs since May.  No wheat, no sugar, no starch, no fun but I am used to it.  I am pretty sure I have gluten sensitivity :(. Boo.
• Loving my hubby:  Oh my gosh, I can't wait to spend real time with Michael.  We are definitely going to have some fun this year.  
• Just say Yes!:  I am so tired of saying the word "no".  I am very proud of myself in the restraint I have shown by saying no to things I really wanted to say yes to.  I have missed so many family functions, time with friends, vacations, dinners, and fun because studying always came first.  Not anymore (until I go back to school...in January!)

Thank you to everyone who supported me and cheered me on and listened to my whining these past 24 months. I couldn't have done it without you.  Congratulations to SLCC Nursing Class of 2011! We did it!

Best clinical group ever!! Kristy, Heather, Stefanie, Me, Jared, Marie, Brandi, Leah, Cori, Melissa, and our instructor Julie!

Class of 2011 (I'm on the left)

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Happenings...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.  I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I don't want to come across like I have been wallowing for the last month...I haven't.  However, I had a rough weekend.  I'm having an even rougher day, topped off by salt being rubbed in the wound a few times.  I will leave it at that.

THANKSGIVING:

We were able to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was a blast!  We spent the whole day cooking for an army.  I got to make the mashed potatoes and I went a little overboard.  Just because one has 20 lbs of potatoes doesn't mean one needs to cook all 20 lbs.  We slept for about two hours and then headed out for some Black Friday shopping at 3am.  Seriously, we are never going Black Friday shopping in Salt Lake City again!  The people of Longmont, CO are so much more tame and fewer in numbers.  It was an enjoyable shopping experience.  People were actually saying crazy things like, "excuse me" and "sorry, you were here first, go ahead".  We spent the next few days doing more shopping and playing games.  Then, we decided at the last minute to drive home early...I mean really early...at midnight.  We were watching the weather and there was anticipation of a huge storm.  It was the best decision ever.  We missed the storm completely and got home in record time and we did a great job of staying awake.  It was almost fun!

SCHOOL:

I have been busy wrapping up the semester.  I just had my one year HESI.  It's a comprehensive test that predicts how well you will do on the NCLEX.  You have to pass and it's almost impossible to study for.  I was VERY nervous.  I had been taking practice tests and doing really poor on them.  I had myself completely convinced I was going to fail and have to retake it.  Well, I passed!  I actually ended up doing quite well.  I was thrilled! I have finals next week and then a nice month long break.  I'm sure I will enjoy the break and it's much needed but I am looking forward to just getting on with the next semester (which I just found out will be crazy).  The sooner it starts, the sooner I will be done!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas came early to the Hall home.  I was able to hold Michael off until after Halloween at least.  He wanted to put the tree up right away.  We ended putting it up on November 8th, a week after Halloween...yes, a week.  I have always been a "not until after Thanksgiving" kind of girl.  Not this year, I guess.  I'm glad we did it so early.  We have been so busy that we probably still wouldn't have it up yet if we didn't do it then.

We love Christmas!  Michael and I are kind of weird.  We wrap our presents together.  Not presents for other people, presents for each other.  Of course we don't let each other see what we are wrapping but we literally wrap right next to each other.  Yesterday, Michael made a "fort" so the room was divided by a barrier so we couldn't see what the other was wrapping.  I wish I took a picture because now that I think about it, it was probably a funny sight.  I don't know why we do it this way, I guess we just like doing everything together.  I thought about wrapping presents on my own a few times but it's just not as fun as the "fort" and what is becoming a tradition in our house.

I will try to post pictures of our trip and other happenings soon.  Here is one...

A very poor picture of our decorated room.

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Motherhood...

                           ....I just hope I get the opportunity.

California

Four words...RITE-AID ICE CREAM

or is it three words?  I don't know, don't care.

I went to California for 6 days and the only picture I took was of this...ice cream.  I said before, I'm a terrible photographer...mostly because I fail to get out the camera.

Rite-Aid bought out Thrifty drug stores forever ago but all the Rite-Aids that were originally 

Thrifty's still have Thrifty's ice cream.  Still cheap, still the cylindrical scoops, still soooo good.  Chocolate malted crunch.  The end.

I was able to eat at my favs like Los Jarritos, Vince's spaghetti, 21 choices and established some new favs like Fruizen and some Japanese place...I can't remember the name, Mom.

It was fun just hanging out with the mom and dad.  We shopped a little, ate A LOT, and I got to see some

old friends.  Mostly, we just talked about IVF and things to come.  It was a blast!

Kick The Bucket List...

Things you have done during your lifetime:
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
(x) Watched someone die
(  ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
(  ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
(  ) Been on a helicopter
(x) Been lost
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(  ) Swam with Stingrays
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
(  ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
(  ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
(  ) Been deep sea fishing
(  ) Driven across the United States
(  ) Been in a hot air balloon
(  ) Been sky diving
(  ) Gone snowmobiling
(  ) Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(  ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(x) Seen the Grand Canyon
(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
(  ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(x) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
(  ) Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Ridden on a San Francisco cable car
(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
(  ) Been in a rain forest
(x) Seen whales in the ocean
(  ) Been to Niagara Falls
(x) Ridden on an elephant
(x) Swam with dolphins
(  ) Been to the Olympics
(  ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
(  ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
(  ) Been spinnaker flying
(x) Been water-skiing
(x) Been snow-skiing
(x) Been to Westminster Abbey
(  ) Been to the Louvre
(  ) Swam in the Mediterranean
(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(  ) Been to a National Football League game
(x) Swam with sharks
(x) Seen Wicked in London
(  ) Been snow shoeing


This list was a good reminder for me of just how much I have had in my life.  Yesterday, Michael and I went to Murray Park for a little nanny reunion and was able to catch up with some dear nanny friends.  We reminisced about silly things we used to do and it got me thinking...I can't believe it's been 9 years since I left Utah the first time to be a nanny!  I also cannot believe how blessed I have been to have that experience.  It is one that I will never regret or forget.  Sometimes I think how nice it would be to be done with school since I was only supposed to be out in Connecticut/New York for 1 year instead of 4 years.  But, still I don't regret all that time I spent out there.  It shaped my testimony and made me realize who I wanted to be and what I wanted out of life.  I also learned invaluable life lessons, especially regarding motherhood.  I learned what kind of mother I want to be and what kind I DO NOT want to be.


This list also reminds me of the stuff I would still like to accomplish in this life.  There is so much!  Maybe I will actually sit down and write out a real bucket list.  That would be fun!  First thing on it is our latest special project...I gotta go give myself a shot now.

The Dentist...

I am in a viscous cycle.  I hate the dentist; therefore I don't go nearly as often as I should.  And since I don't go like I should, when I do go it inevitably leads to extreme pain and discomfort on my part. Friday, I paid the price for this vicious cycle...

About 8 years ago, a tooth on the bottom right started to really hurt but I was uninsured at the time.  I finally went to the dentist and he did a root canal on it and put a temporary crown on.  I could not afford $1200 for a crown so I left the temporary on for as long it would last and just kind of ignored it.  The temporary eventually fell off and what remained was a little stub of a tooth that really caused no problems.  Fast forward to now, the tooth needed to come out.  I was told in September of last year that it was broken.  I have made several appointments but have shamelessly cancelled them at midnight the night before.  I finally got up the nerve to go on Friday simply because I am looking at hopefully being knocked-up soon and I want all my dentistry taken care of before that happens.   

So, I went in early Friday morning, and had it pulled. It SUCKED.  The doctor took one look at me, saw my horror and offered me the gas which I graciously accepted.  Three minutes later I was floating on the ceiling and I felt nothing.  However, he then said, "forceps", and started pushing and pulling and twisting.  I about lost it!  Even though I couldn't feel it, I knew what he was doing and it freaked me out!  After an hour, he finally got it all out, and I was able to flee the office, running like a scared schoolgirl.  

However, the extraction was nothing compared to what I am dealing with now.  Yes, it hurts but that can be medicated.  I hate taking medicine but I have been doping myself up with ibuprofen 800mg once or twice a day and I'm fine.  The doctor put in a bone graft that is just sitting in the socket, waiting for my gum to heal over it.  It's this gooey, movable sack of bone paste that feels like a piece of chewed up chicken.  My tongue, of course, can't stop playing with it and I feel like it's going to come out or break open.  Every so often, I accidentally bite on it which makes me gag. And, every so often when it moves it releases fluid out of it that tastes like what I imagine cauterized battery acid to taste like.  Consequently, my breath is fowl!  I try to talk to people from at least five feet away.  I honestly would rather go through the extraction 3 more times than this.

My loathing probably started when I was a young  and I have been building on the fear for the last few years.  I never liked to go but my mom diligently took us every six months and I would have a cavity every now and then.  We had a great dentist as a child who was very good with kids and you always got to pick a toy after.  But, to this day, I hate "soft rock" and "Highlights" magazine because it reminds me of the dentist.  I hate the pain dentists cause in my mouth. I hate the sounds, the smells, etc. of the dentist's office. I hate the guilt I feel when I go in there and they give me a mirror and show me how to brush better and lecture me about flossing.  I hate having to hold my jaw open, it gets really sore.  I hate having to try not to swallow.  I hate those little x-ray things that you have to hold awkwardly in your mouth and dig into your gums.  

I have to go back in two weeks to check on the extraction site.  Oh, and to also get a new crown on a tooth that he said was poorly done a few years ago!  Ugh!

I have no idea why I told you this - I guess I just wanted to share my tale of woe ("misery loves company" and all that), and to confess my vicious cycle. I can make no promise to break this cycle at this time but I'm taking it one appointment at a time.  I have to go dope myself up again.

Freeeedoooomm!...

Freeeedoooommm!

...Wasn't that line yelled just before a disembowelment? Yes, I think it was but it's totally appropriate since sitting through Med/Surg was sometimes comparable.  I have a long list of things I would like to do before school starts again:

#1 Clean my dirty house!  My house has not had a good cleaning since the beginning of the semester.  Sure, I wipe counters down and do a some dishes now and then but I haven't had a Saturday to get on my hands and knees and scrub.  The weird thing is, I am actually excited to do this!

#2  Read!  I miss reading for fun.  I'm going to try to read this...
                                                                                                                    

and this

and I have to read this for next semester...don't really want to

#3  I want to work out while I still can!  I have a few weeks until I have to take it easy so I am going to try to lose 5lbs...I'm putting it out there.  We'll see how it goes.

#4  Go to California!!  I'm sad that Michael can't come with me but I am excited to spend some time with the parents and just relax.  I have a mini list of places to eat at while I am there.  It's not going to help to-do #3...

I'm eating here

and here

and here

and here (never been but I was told I have to go)

#5  Start my shots!  Yes, I'm so excited to start and be done.  Here is the first box I got in the mail...

Okay, I guess it doesn't look like that much but that is 60 syringes and that little, tiny box is the med that is supposed to last 3 weeks.

#6  Spending more time with these guys.  We are having our first sleepover soon...I did not have choice in the matter but it will still be a blast!...

Tate, 2.5 years

Graham, at 8 months

#7  Getting my Beez on!  I miss my little sister being so close...

Isn't she pretty?

#8  But mostly, spending lots of catch-up time with this guy...

                                                        

Michael, being silly while I was taking a pic of the box-o-meds.
*I love him!

Thank you all my friends who got me through some near melt downs.  We have learned so much about each other like when we need to be picked up and when we need to be left alone...ha ha, good times you guys!

*Brandi and Josh are missing.

I need to thank Michael for being my biggest support through this past semester because it was seriously crazy!  I can't count the number of times he said, "Don't worry about the______, I will take care of it. You just focus on school." He really is the greatest hubby anyone could ask for and I am so blessed to have him in my life!  I love you, baby.

P.S.-Top three things I do not want to do but have to...the dentist, the dentist, the dentist!  I am sitting here recovering from a tooth he pulled today and I have to go back in two weeks for more torture.  It's ugly, people and it hurts!  

July...

 So, we were able to do a couple of fun things this summer.  We headed far east (okay only an hour) to the annual Hall camp out.  Of course, I was frantically trying to connect to the internet so I could study which I did most of one day but was able to relax the rest of the time.  I paid for it when I took my test the next week! Ha ha! It was my lowest test score since the first one.  Of course, 4th of July was mixed in there too so it was definitely not a good week.  Oh well, I needed the study break.

We spent a quiet 4th of July at Michael's parents house and Bethany,Whitney, Zac, and the boys came over for a little while.  It was really fun!  But, the best thing we did was head to St. George for a very short weekend because my bestie, Nicole went through the temple for the first time!  It was a perfect day!  We got to be with her and it was also good for us to get some clarity on our IVF situation.  It has been a while since we have been so I couldn't have been happier to be there for Nicole and for us.  We love you, Nicole!

*Nicole and I after the temple

*Michael and I outside St. George Temple

*4th of July

   *The whole Hall family

But mostly in the month of July, I did this....

I am still loving my OB class, it's definitely right up my alley.  I wish I wasn't so burnt out so I could be a little more excited for my remaining clinicals but oh well.  I have 13 days left in this semester!  I hate to say it but I can't wait for July to just be over with.  I have one more test, 2 more clincals, and 2 finals left.  I'm over it!  I will be busy in August getting ready for the new semester (I have a book I have to read before the semester starts...boo), I'll be going solo to California for a week (Michael cannot get any days off of work right now), and pretty much just enjoying not feeling like I need to be studying.  Hurry up, August!

I'm alive...barely.

Wow, what a month!  I don't have much to say on the baby front. What??  Nothing to say? I know, it's true though.  I can honestly say for the first time since our diagnosis, IT has really not been on my mind very much.  Honestly. As I had anticipated, I have been so busy this semester I haven't had the brain capacity to think about anything but medical diagnosis, surgeries, and well, babies.  Babies have been on my mind but not for the reason you are thinking.  I am taking Med/Surg I and OB.  I LOVE my OB class.  I feel like I had a head start because I have been familiarized with fertility, infertility, conception, and the baby, baby, baby language.  I am definitely in my comfort zone in OB and I can't wait until clinicals next month.  I wish I could say the same for Med/Surg but hopefully I will get there.  I'm definitely not in my comfort zone here.  I've had some really good experiences with my clinicals and some not so great experiences.  My first clinical was a disaster.  I didn't kill anyone but that's only because I didn't have the opportunity.  My nurse would not let me do anything.  I realized later that she barely talked me.  I only count it as a success because I got my nose right in a stool sample and didn't gag.  My second clinical was amazing!  I had a great nurse who actually wanted me to learn and it was the best experience.  It's all been so overwhelming to say the least.  I always say every semester that I am so busy but I had no idea what busy was until now.  I have no time for family or friends which is fine for a few more weeks but I don't even have enough time to do the things I need to for school.  That's been frustrating.  I am not smart.  I have to study...a lot...to do well.

On the baby front (since I am allowing myself to think about something else other than school), we are still excited and can't wait to start.  I have been loving having my Michael back.  He has been the new-old Michael since quitting his crappy job.  We are still looking for other opportunities to build the baby fund but it's getting there.  We are getting so close...just have to survive the summer!


*This is me studying with my group trying to figure out the greater than < > less than signs.  Yes, even in nursing school we do 4th grade math.


*And P.S.  Happy 60th birthday to my amazing Dad!  My dad has been the best example to me over the years and he is what I strive to be.  Thanks for all your love and support through everything!


*Does this guy look 60?  I don't think so, either.  Love you, Dad.

Some Changes...

I cannot believe how busy this semester is already and we are only a couple of weeks in.  I study almost every minute I am not sleeping, eating, or pooping.  Sorry for saying poop but it's true.  I have really had to apply myself and come up with new way to study.  Honestly, I have never had to study very much to do well...so far.  I actually bombed my first test of the semester.  In my program you need an average of 78% on all of your tests to pass the class...I got a 74%.  It's been a very humbling experience for me.  I was completely unprepared for what they were dishing out.  We shall see on Tuesday if my new "I'm-sorry-but-I-can't-(fill in the blank), I'm-studying" method works out.  I hope family and friends do not take it personally that I will be ignoring them all summer.  Hopefully it will be better come August.

On a brighter note, there has been a little change of plans.  Michael is quitting his second job!  This was a tough decision and one that came with a lot of thought and prayer.  See, we actually went to see a therapist.  My work has a free employee assistance program that offers counseling and we took advantage of it because we wanted to make sure WE were okay.  We are definitely okay, more than okay.  But, we did so some prophylaxis on our relationship.  We have been so consumed with our fertility issues that because of the lack of time we have together, it seemed like it was the only thing we have in common lately.  Let me say again, we are more than fine!  We have had no issues in our relationship that caused us to think that we might not be, but we have been warned that infertility can do a number on a married couple's relationship.  I really think we went mostly for a professional's confirmation that we are a cute, loving couple and because we really like to talk about ourselves.  Anyway, she confirmed that we are cute and loving and that yes, we like to talk about ourselves.  She did get us thinking though.  She reminded us that all of the stresses in our life are ones that we have chosen.  She suggested that we think about Michael quitting his second job.  At the time, I thought that was a terrible idea since quitting his job would just be eliminating one stress and adding another.  We still need money to do this so...

I have been thinking about this since then and Michael thinks about it all the time since his job is miserable and he doesn't have a day off.  I love his hard work and dedication to do anything to make this all possible for us. He always has a great attitude, even when he doesn't want to do something.  But, lately he has become depressed and mopey and it's been hard for him to hide his feelings about the job.  I told him a few weeks ago that I missed him because he hasn't been the same guy for a couple of months.  So...no day off, no time together, not being able to go to church, hating the actual work, and basically having no life...it got me thinking.

Up until the today I thought there was no way we would decide that quitting would be the best thing for us right now.  I have been pondering and praying about this ever since the counseling session.  As I was sitting (alone) in Sunday school, something came to me very quietly.  Money is just money.  We will always make more.  Michael needs to quit his job.  The money is not worth sacrificing the most important things in our life right now.  I felt like it's more important for him to be at church every Sunday and for us to have a little more time together.  We have been trying to focus on church, going to the temple, and what's really important.  Money is not one of those things.  I know we will be blessed for doing this.  I just really feel like this is the right thing for us to do and I didn't have to talk Michael into it.  We will continue to pray for other opportunities to make a little extra money for our IVF but either way, it's going to happen.  If we have to charge it then...CHARGE IT!  I'm really good at that.

You Are Cordially Invited...

Life is like a roller coaster and I feel like I might throw-up.  I am going to take this opportunity to vent a little and throw a little pity party for myself.  You are all invited.  I would most obviously be lying if I said throughout this process I didn't have a severe case of the "why me's" at some point.  I have thrown enough pity parties over the last year and still have my party decorations...I'm busting them out!  I must preface by saying I HATE feeling sorry for myself.  Hate it!  Hate it!  Hate it!  Okay, you get it?

When I am down I try to immediately pick myself back up because I feel like I have no business feeling sorry for myself.  I know how great our life is.  One of my biggest pet peeves is people moping around and telling the world how hard their lives are.  But, I do believe people deserve to tell their stories and deserve to mourn, grieve, and recognize how hard life can be sometimes.  This is one of those times but I swear when I am done, I will pick myself back up and list five things in my head that I am grateful for.

Michael's second job has been a huge blessing but it has been incredibly hard on our relationship.  We never see each other and it's just going to get worse once his schedule changes in a couple of weeks.  I am grateful that we sleep in the same bed because sometimes, that is all we can do.  I wish Michael would make a post because he has all the perspective on his job and I know that whatever I am feeling in this regard, it's a hundred times worse for him.  I was given my summer school schedule and I am already incredibly overwhelmed and wishing it was over before it even starts.  My school schedule and work schedule, combined with Michael's work schedule will leave us with about 30 minutes of quality time, between the hours of 12a to 12:30a...if we're lucky.  August can't come soon enough.

Money is the root of all evil.  I have never known this to be so true.  We have had so many trials with money since finding out how much dough we will have to shell out for this.  I won't go into the details but let me just say, it sucks and we can't seem to catch up.  Don't get me wrong, we are not struggling to pay our bills or put food on the table and I'm grateful for that but we can't seem to adequately build our "baby fund".  There are too many things that have just popped up.  We have feared three times over the last couple of weeks that Michael might have to quit his second job and it devasted us.  Luckily, the scheduling worked out and he can retain the job, however, with a craptastic schedule.

April 12, 2010

I saved this post until I could I finish it and now reading back, I despise myself.  Yes, everyone is entitled to feel the emotions and feelings they have.  It's all apart the human experience.  A trial is a trial, no matter how big or small.  But, I just can't be sad about our situation anymore.  Sometimes, I have no idea why I get myself so worked-up.  Yes, this hard.  Yes, this is emotional.  But yes, I am meant to be a mother and yes,  I WILL be mother regardless of how we manange to finance this.   I have learned an infinite number of life lessons that I am truly grateful for.  When I told  my mom about our money situation she simply said, "That's life".  I am sure we will again find ourselves in a situation where we have saved money for something in particular and have to use for something we did not plan on.  Truly, that is life.  Pity party officially over.  Thanks for coming.

Death and Taxes...

Ugh, taxes.  Do I need to say more?  I got a phone call from Michael while sitting in the JFK airport about to board an airplane to come home.  I was sad to leave but so excited to return home to my hard working hubby. The phone call was about our taxes.  You can probably guess where this is going.

Let me preface by saying money is very much on the forefront of our minds these days for obvious reasons.  We have tightened our purse strings, count every penny, and are constantly looking for opportunities to make or save more money.  Let me also say, I'm a planner.  I like to plan for the future and consider every possible scenario and option.  So, naturally I have mapped out how much money we could possibly save between now and the time we are ready to do our IVF.  Sparing boring details, I figured out between extra jobs, money already saved and our sure fire TAX RETURN we would be pretty close to having all $13,000.

The phone call was obviously not good news.  He finally had news about our tax return that I had been bugging him about for weeks.  I was excited...was it $2000...possibly more?  We had conservatively guessed that it would be at least $2000.  We received $1600 the year before and now we own a house and paid an insane amount of interest on it last year.  We have been told owning a home makes a huge difference when it comes to tax returns.  No, it wasn't $2000.  It was quite the opposite.  We OWE $1700!  What?  How did this happen?

Mostly my fault for not closely paying attention to my pay stubs but IHC failed to take out the right amount of taxes last year.  I claim ONE deduction and they only took out $175 in federal taxes!  Yes, I know my paychecks would have been a lot less if they had been taking out the correct amount but it just didn't occur to me that my checks were too big.  My mom could not understand why I was so upset and began to lecture me about how taxes work.  Yes, I know that if you do not pay enough in the year, you will owe and if you pay too much, they give money back.  She further tried to explain that there is no difference, I had larger paychecks so the money we have in savings wouldn't have been there if they had been taking the correct amount of taxes out.  Wrong.  Had I known they weren't taking enough out, maybe, we would have saved the money but I didn't.

Sparing more details of mine and my mom's argument here is the bottom line.  We were counting on that money to help reach our $13000 goal.  No, the money that is in our saving account is not from saving excess money that should have gone to taxes, it's been given to us mostly as gifts and from odd little reimbursements. To us, we feel that not only are we not getting the $2000 we were counting on but we also have to take $1700 from the little savings that we do have already.  So to us, it's like being down $3700.  I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it again.  We have been working so hard and we were going to be close.  It is so disheartening to know now we may not even have half of what we need, when need it.

Michael's second job has been a huge blessing to us.  We would never even have half if it weren't for his willingness to take care of his family.  It's a huge sacrifice he is making and we agreed that no matter what, we would not use that money for anything else.  Such is life.  We sometimes feel like there is one force working against us and one with us.  For every trial that we have faced regarding this, there always seems to be a blessing.  We pray that we will be able to recover from this and will continue to work toward our goal.

"The Things to Talk to Michael About List"...

We are three weeks into Michael's new job and it's a lot harder than we thought it was going to be.  I'm not sure what I thought it was going to be like, him working 60 hours a week, but I definitely didn't expect to have to write a "things to talk to Michael about list" on my Blackberry.  It's a list of notes I jot down when I need to tell him something but we can't talk.  We are pretty busy as it is and I guess I never realized how much of our relationship is spent on the phone.  We spend over 5000 minutes a month checking-up on each other throughout the day but with his second job, he can't be on the phone so we rarely talk to each other after 3pm.  Then, I arrive home at midnight and he is sound asleep. It's hard.  I can never remember what I have and haven't told him and I just plain miss him everday. The other night, I was fortunate enough to get off work a couple of hours early and we arrived home at the same time and plopped down on the couch together, exhausted.  We stared at each other for a few seconds and the conversation went like this...

Me: This is weird.
Michael:  I know, what should we talk about?
Me:  Hold on, my list is on my Blackberry...oh yeah, I have to tell you about the IVF refund program, we need to look at Hondas, my parents are coming this weekend....
(Michael puts his hand up and abruptly cuts me off)
Michael:  Umm, sorry, could you just email me? 

I have to say I am very grateful for Saturdays...the one day we have together and I am very grateful for a husband who is sacrificing all of his time to help his family.