I don't know what to title this...

I've been wanting to post for quite sometime now but I just haven't had a lot of time or energy. This is what I have been up to:

August 5th: I graduated!!  This was the best day in August.  I finally am done.  I have my diploma and I never have to go to school again if I don't want to (which I will cause I do!)

August 25th: I got a job!  I am working at Intermountain Medical Center on the Neuromedical Unit.  I have been there for 3 weeks now and I am loving it.  It's a HUGE adjustment and I have A LOT to learn but I will get there.  Night shift might just kill me.

September 12th: I passed my boards!  The NCLEX was the hardest test I have ever taken.  Finding out I passed was completely full of drama.  I went to look on DOPL to see if my license was posted with the rest of my classmates that took it that day and to my surprise, my name wasn't there.  I had a complete meltdown, called Michael who was out of town at midnight and told him I had failed.  I was a wreck.  I didn't know how I was ever going to pass this test since it was already so hard. I quickly pulled out my credit card and paid the $8 to get official results and to my surprise again, I passed!  I called DOPL in the morning and she apologized for the mistake.  My file wasn't put in the right place or something.  It was fun going to work the next day and actually being able to sign my name with "RN".

September 1st:  I found out I am pregnant.  I feel robbed because I have not been able to make the announcement to anyone with glee or joy.  We did our second round of IVF in the middle of August and felt really optimistic about this one.  The timing felt right and we felt such peace about the whole thing.  We got the call on September 1st and the nurse told us that the blood test came back positive.  For one split second we were on the moon.  In her next breath she said that the numbers didn't look good and that I needed to be retested and it's been agony ever since.  My numbers continued to climb very slowly until the fourth blood test they shot up to exactly where they needed to be!  We were so relieved and got on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle we had been praying for.  Out next blood test was beautiful as well.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw a pretty little sack and possibly a fetal pole but it was still very early.  We finally felt good about this pregnancy and was able to start getting excited.  Then, a few hours later, they called and said my numbers were crappy again.  That was last week.  I went back yesterday, expecting to see a heartbeat and there was no growth in a week.  I got no information out of them except to stay on my meds and come back in a week for another ultrasound since I have have no signs on miscarriage.  I have been a complete mess for 3 weeks.  I woke-up this morning and didn't even recognize my life.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I said that last time but I really can't do this.  I specifically prayed for this not to happen.  I asked Him if I was going to get pregnant to please let me stay pregnant or have it not work at all.  We were so prepared for this round of IVF to not work at all but we were not in any way prepared for this.  I can't sleep, I still feel pregnant but I think my baby may have stopped growing.  I am devastated beyond belief and I can't seem to make any sense of my life right now.  I am so sick of being this sad person that just wants a baby.

I was blessed with the understanding, very quickly, of why the last cycle didn't work and I ended up being very grateful for it.  I don't understand this at all.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn from all this?  I know I am supposed to have faith in the journey, keep my head up, don't give up, never lose hope, keep my faith in His plan, etc. but oh my gosh, I need to be sad.  I need to be angry.  I am so blessed in my life and I nothing will change that, not even this.  But, I am so mad.  I am not strong enough for this.  I know one day it will all be okay and even know that one day we will have our own children.  It's the in between that I dread because I know the pain that is to come.  I am still pregnant...for now.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am really not.  I am completely devastated once again.  I hate this.  I hate infertility.  I hate this process.  I hate this pain.  I just want my baby. However, I love my husband and my family and all the people who are praying for us.  We are so blessed.

OMG!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted but OMG!...Guess what?  I am graduating in 2 days!  2 days!! I am 10 hours away from taking my last final in nursing school...ever!!  I can't believe it's finally here. I have been looking at this date on my calendar for two years, especially the last six months though.  I really thought this day would never come.  Michael told me when he was on his mission, he got to a point where he literally accepted the fact that he would be a missionary forever and that he would never be coming home. That is exactly how I have felt these past 8 months.  I have felt like I will be a student forever and that started being okay.  But it's here! It's here!  

I have to say that I have never been more proud of myself and the 38 people who I will be graduating with on Friday.  This has been quite the journey.  I cannot explain how I am feeling right now.  I am a little anxious about the whole thing actually.  I should be studying but I have spent the last two hours cleaning my house and went on a 45 minute run.  I haven't run in ages!  Yeah, I am a little anxious at the moment.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  It will literally be the last time me and my classmates will all be together and that is a sad thought. I have made so many great friends over the past two years.  I could have never done this without their support and friendship.  I definitely could not have done this without Michael.  My sweet husband.  What a guy!  He has done the laundry for two years, kept the house clean and straight and put up with my freak-out sessions related to test anxiety.  He jokes, "I know the last two years have been hard on you but it's been hard on me too".  I cannot wait to spend more time with him and get to know him in a different phase of our marriage.  We have only known each other as students.  One or the both of us has always been going to school since we have been together.  It will be an adjustment but a welcomed one.  I have to make it a goal to do the laundry better than he does.  He is really better at it than I am.

On a side note, I have been asked to speak at graduation. Yeah, I don't know why either.  My classmates nominated me and I feel very honored.  Thankfully, while trying to do anything but study, I was able to finish my speech so I am far less anxious about it than I was a week ago. It's going to be epic! Ha!

Next step will be trying to find a job (I don't even want to talk about that right now) and finding things to fill my time like:

• My new calling:  I just got called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency.  I am very nervous but excited about this.  I love my presidency and I love kids so it will be great once I figure out what I am doing.
• Reading for fun: Any suggestions on what's good?
• Cleaning my house:  I need to deep clean my house really bad.  I have two years of notes and a mountain of books in my office that needs to be burned organized
• Exercise: I went running tonight and I'm going to do it 'til I love it.  I don't love it yet but it felt good to run off some stress.  I also haven't mentioned that I have lost 25lbs since May.  No wheat, no sugar, no starch, no fun but I am used to it.  I am pretty sure I have gluten sensitivity :(. Boo.
• Loving my hubby:  Oh my gosh, I can't wait to spend real time with Michael.  We are definitely going to have some fun this year.  
• Just say Yes!:  I am so tired of saying the word "no".  I am very proud of myself in the restraint I have shown by saying no to things I really wanted to say yes to.  I have missed so many family functions, time with friends, vacations, dinners, and fun because studying always came first.  Not anymore (until I go back to school...in January!)

Thank you to everyone who supported me and cheered me on and listened to my whining these past 24 months. I couldn't have done it without you.  Congratulations to SLCC Nursing Class of 2011! We did it!

Best clinical group ever!! Kristy, Heather, Stefanie, Me, Jared, Marie, Brandi, Leah, Cori, Melissa, and our instructor Julie!

Class of 2011 (I'm on the left)

I'm Still Alive...

Hello, it's me.  I can't quite put my finger on why it's been so long since I posted but alas, it's been forever!  I might have something to do with the fact that last semester just about killed me.  It was horrible!  We had a test every week, sometimes two tests.  We called it "two-test-Tuesday's".  I had an official mental breakdown for 48 hours the first "two-test-Tuesday".  I was so beside myself.  I didn't know how  I was supposed to work 3 shifts, go to clinical and memorize 54 medications for my test, plus study for another one.  Free time was not in the cards. I spent most of my days in the library, gained 6 lbs, and was on the brink on just completely giving up.  Sometimes, people compare my school experience to their college experience.  No offense, this is not your average Poly Sci degree.  It's intense.  I think some people in my life think I use "I have to study" as an excuse to avoid things I don't really want to do.  The amount of study time in never sufficient.  I really am studying...or doing my best to try.  I get very anxious when I fit in sleep recreational time.  I feel like I should be studying.  I don't really know how to describe it.  It's survival of the fittest. We lost two people from our class last semester and was near losing a few more.  I can't imagine anything worse after coming this far and being to close to it all being over.

We are three days into our very last semester!  Yay!  But, I think they are really trying to kill us this semester.  We have so much to do, no one knows where to begin.  I had 8 hours of lecture on Wednesday, work Thursday, 8 hour lab on Friday, 8 hour clinical on Monday, first test is on Tuesday, and fitting studying for said test and other incredibly boring busy work anywhere I can.

However, it will all be over in 74 days!  10 weeks!  D.O.N.E!  It's been almost two years since I was in a little town in England and found out I got accepted to this program.  I can't believe how fast the last two years have flown by.  Everyone said it would and I believed them but I know idea it would go this fast!

August 5th is graduation...74 days...pray for me!

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Happenings...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.  I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I don't want to come across like I have been wallowing for the last month...I haven't.  However, I had a rough weekend.  I'm having an even rougher day, topped off by salt being rubbed in the wound a few times.  I will leave it at that.

THANKSGIVING:

We were able to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was a blast!  We spent the whole day cooking for an army.  I got to make the mashed potatoes and I went a little overboard.  Just because one has 20 lbs of potatoes doesn't mean one needs to cook all 20 lbs.  We slept for about two hours and then headed out for some Black Friday shopping at 3am.  Seriously, we are never going Black Friday shopping in Salt Lake City again!  The people of Longmont, CO are so much more tame and fewer in numbers.  It was an enjoyable shopping experience.  People were actually saying crazy things like, "excuse me" and "sorry, you were here first, go ahead".  We spent the next few days doing more shopping and playing games.  Then, we decided at the last minute to drive home early...I mean really early...at midnight.  We were watching the weather and there was anticipation of a huge storm.  It was the best decision ever.  We missed the storm completely and got home in record time and we did a great job of staying awake.  It was almost fun!

SCHOOL:

I have been busy wrapping up the semester.  I just had my one year HESI.  It's a comprehensive test that predicts how well you will do on the NCLEX.  You have to pass and it's almost impossible to study for.  I was VERY nervous.  I had been taking practice tests and doing really poor on them.  I had myself completely convinced I was going to fail and have to retake it.  Well, I passed!  I actually ended up doing quite well.  I was thrilled! I have finals next week and then a nice month long break.  I'm sure I will enjoy the break and it's much needed but I am looking forward to just getting on with the next semester (which I just found out will be crazy).  The sooner it starts, the sooner I will be done!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas came early to the Hall home.  I was able to hold Michael off until after Halloween at least.  He wanted to put the tree up right away.  We ended putting it up on November 8th, a week after Halloween...yes, a week.  I have always been a "not until after Thanksgiving" kind of girl.  Not this year, I guess.  I'm glad we did it so early.  We have been so busy that we probably still wouldn't have it up yet if we didn't do it then.

We love Christmas!  Michael and I are kind of weird.  We wrap our presents together.  Not presents for other people, presents for each other.  Of course we don't let each other see what we are wrapping but we literally wrap right next to each other.  Yesterday, Michael made a "fort" so the room was divided by a barrier so we couldn't see what the other was wrapping.  I wish I took a picture because now that I think about it, it was probably a funny sight.  I don't know why we do it this way, I guess we just like doing everything together.  I thought about wrapping presents on my own a few times but it's just not as fun as the "fort" and what is becoming a tradition in our house.

I will try to post pictures of our trip and other happenings soon.  Here is one...

A very poor picture of our decorated room.

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.

Day 3: Stims

24 needles down...approximately 21 more to go until retrieval and about 100 more after that...hopefully.  I feel very good today.  Still very aware of the egg machines but not nearly as uncomfortable as Monday.  My belly is really sore today.  I accidentally bumped it at work and oh, man!  That nasty Repronex is a killer!  The days are dragging because I count the hours until I can give myself the next shots.  Hopefully, a week from now I will have already been given my trigger shot (Hcg) and I will be done with the belly shots.  Michael and I can't stop asking eachother if the other can believe we are actually here.  It still seems so surreal that we are to the point of injections and less than 10 days away from the harvest!

On a non-IVF note...I started school again today.  My hormones are a little out whack these days and I teared up while watching an orientation video of Primary Children's Medical Center that was made in the early 90's.  I'm afraid OB will have some stiff competition because I think I'm going to love Peds.  I'm not so psyched for Psych (haha..get it?).  I'm going to have to use what brain power I have these days and refocus my attention on school.  I haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I'm back in it for 16 weeks of tests and clinicals and studying all the time.  I'm glad the IVF hoopla will be over in just a couple of weeks so I can be less consumed by what my ovaries are doing and more with what the kiddos and the crazies are doing.  I am quite excited to get another semester under my belt.  I have a feeling it will fly by.  Fall semester always does with holidays approaching and all.  By then I will have only two semesters left and be half-way through  my pregnancy...now that's crazy!

FOR MY OFFICIAL RECORDS, IT'S ACTUALLY DAY 32.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I STARTED NUMBERING THE STIMS AS DAY 1.  OH, WELL.

Where are we?...

We are 1 day from our first ultrasound to make sure I have depleted all of my stored girlie hormones and that my ovaries are not doing anything.  My belly has a few purple and green bruises but it will get even more colorful soon as we are 6 days away from 3-a-day shots!  They will determine at my ultrasound how much of the pricey meds to give me.  We are 8 days from starting a new semester...I don't even know what to say...I'm numb to the idea.  I guess I am excited just to get going again but I can say I have not fully recovered from the summer and I'm trying to get my head around it.  We are 13 days away from RETRIEVAL WEEK and 18 days from TRANSFER DAY!  It's all going by at lightning speed.  Really.  I'm kind of mad that school didn't breeze by this fast.  I know the semester will begin as soon as I blink and then it's all downhill on an icy day from there...breathe, Danielle.

Half-way there!...

Hall & Co. would like to make the official announcement that I am, as of today, officially half-way done with nursing school!  Yes!  I had my last final today and the relief is still setting in.  There were a few genuine moments of horror this semester, believing I might not pass.  Nightmares that I would have to wave to my friends as they moved on and I sat in the dust waiting for a new group to let me join.  This ended up being far from reality, thank goodness.  I didn't just pass, I nailed OB and I squeaked through Med/Surg with an A- because of a very nice, understanding teacher who believes in rounding.  I believe in rounding too!  It was the closest I have been to a B+ in a long time.  Nursing school is by far, one of the top two hardest things I have ever done.  Can you guess what the other one is?

Speaking of, we had our injection class today!  It's an appointment where the nurse teaches you how to draw up and inject the medication.  Not so much new information for me but I think it was good for Michael to get some more information about the process.  I feel bad because I think Michael feels kind of left out the process.  There is going to be so much going on with me in the next few weeks and I think he wishes there were more that he gets to do.  All I need him to do is be supportive (in which he is already an expert) and forgive me for any hormonal outbursts I might have as a result of my ovaries growing to the size of grapefruits.  I got my two week Lupron kit in the mail yesterday and I start that on Sunday.  There were A LOT of needles!  But, I have been told they are nothing compared to the amount of needles that comes with the next set of meds in a couple of weeks.  I was happy to learn that our insurance covered most of it. It was only $100 but every bit counts, right?  I did learn some new stuff today.  It had slipped my mind that I would be on two different stimulation meds instead of one, which means that for a couple of weeks I will be giving myself  THREE shots a day and not two like I had thought.  Yikes!  I have heard horror stories about weight gain, hormone induced raunchiness, and general loathing of the significant others (poor guys) but I don't care.  I hope for Michael's sake it's not THAT bad and I will try to keep my emotions in check but I'm just too excited to let anything make me feel uneasy about the process.

So, the next step is start Lupron injections on Sunday the 8th and then I will have an ultrasound on the 18th where they will decide how much stimulation medication to give me.  One day at a time I guess!

We Must Be Crazy...

I have been conflicted lately. When I started this blog I hesitated because I wasn't sure how public I wanted to be when it actually came time to start our IVF cycle. I know, too late now right? I thought it might be difficult to have so many people know every detail about the process and then perhaps not getting the end result we want. We also lose the element of surprise with all this. It sounds dumb and childish but when we started trying, I really looked forward to being able to tell Michael in a really cute way that he was going to be a daddy, and then subsequently, tell our families when we were ready. This way, these things are moot and not really all that possible anyway. But really, it's more about the end result. It would be hard to have to tell everyone that it failed and that I was NOT pregnant. I wonder if I can make a cute sign that reads instead, "Sorry, you're not going to be a daddy just yet!"? Okay, that's not really funny to me but I'm just saying. If we never told anyone what we were doing, then we wouldn't have to possibly announce that it did not work. Like I said before though, too late now.

Well, I guess I can say we're VERY close to starting this process. We have had many long talks after I got my fall schedule that just so nicely interferes with my clinicals. We have come to the conclusion that it is NEVER a good time, the right time, convenient time, or a perfect time to start a family. There is ALWAYS going to be some reason it's not the right time. If we went by that logic, it could very well be years before we thought having a baby would be perfect. Ultimately, this is what we want. It's a good thing to want. I have wanted it since the day we said "I do". And, we have been trying to make it happen for over two years now. If we were to get pregnant on our own today, it would be a welcomed surprise/miracle but not exactly how we "planned" it. And that's just it, no one really gets to plan these things. You can hope you get pregnant when you want and maybe you do, maybe you don't. We DO get the burden luxury of actually picking our due date and frankly, I think it's driving us insane. I'm over it! Most people find out they are pregnant, calculate their EDD (estimated due date) and just go with it. Anytime we pick a date there is always a million reasons that it would be inconvenient...."I'm still in school", "That's when finals are", "What if I'm early?", "I don't want to be 8 1/2 months pregnant looking for a job", "That's when I will be in my residency and I can't be on leave", "I don't want to be a brand new nurse then take a leave for three months", etc.

So, my new approach to the situation is...screw it! I'm going to pretend we miraculously got pregnant on our own and we are going to deal with whatever challenges that brings us because ultimately, we want a baby. So, I started my birth control last week and we are moving forward. I haven't even figured out the exact due date yet which is not like me at all. I don't care. Yes, I will still be in school. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, I kind of know what I'm getting myself into. I have been an emotional wreck about this the past two weeks, contemplating my feelings and fearing what might be. But, I have faith that this is the right decision and I KNOW that we are strong enough to take on any challenges that this might bring. After all, who said having a kid is supposed to be easy, anyway?

July...

 So, we were able to do a couple of fun things this summer.  We headed far east (okay only an hour) to the annual Hall camp out.  Of course, I was frantically trying to connect to the internet so I could study which I did most of one day but was able to relax the rest of the time.  I paid for it when I took my test the next week! Ha ha! It was my lowest test score since the first one.  Of course, 4th of July was mixed in there too so it was definitely not a good week.  Oh well, I needed the study break.

We spent a quiet 4th of July at Michael's parents house and Bethany,Whitney, Zac, and the boys came over for a little while.  It was really fun!  But, the best thing we did was head to St. George for a very short weekend because my bestie, Nicole went through the temple for the first time!  It was a perfect day!  We got to be with her and it was also good for us to get some clarity on our IVF situation.  It has been a while since we have been so I couldn't have been happier to be there for Nicole and for us.  We love you, Nicole!

*Nicole and I after the temple

*Michael and I outside St. George Temple

*4th of July

   *The whole Hall family

But mostly in the month of July, I did this....

I am still loving my OB class, it's definitely right up my alley.  I wish I wasn't so burnt out so I could be a little more excited for my remaining clinicals but oh well.  I have 13 days left in this semester!  I hate to say it but I can't wait for July to just be over with.  I have one more test, 2 more clincals, and 2 finals left.  I'm over it!  I will be busy in August getting ready for the new semester (I have a book I have to read before the semester starts...boo), I'll be going solo to California for a week (Michael cannot get any days off of work right now), and pretty much just enjoying not feeling like I need to be studying.  Hurry up, August!

Reschedule...

I got part of my fall schedule today. Guess when I have my Psych clinicals? Yep. The very same day our egg retrieval is schedules for.  There are four clinical groups and mine just happens to be scheduled at the worst possible time.  We have a lot to think about...hmmm.

*I will add, not only is it the same day as the egg retrieval but it's also the same three weeks where I will be monitored every day with ultrasound to see how the egg follicles are developing, same weeks as the transfer where I will need to be on bed rest for 5 days, same weeks as my blood pregnancy test.  It sounds silly to say that I don't want to change groups but I really, really don't want to.  It would almost be like starting school again.  I know we'll come up with a solution, I just don't know what it is.

Crybaby...

Hallelujah! My Med/Surg clinical rotations are done.  I am on the downward slope of this crazy roller coaster.  I just have 5 grueling lectures left in Med/Surg as well as OB (although, those are not so grueling for me, I'm in love with OB).  I have four lab/clinicals for OB that start in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!  Aside from the first clinical day of Med/Surg, I had really awesome experiences on all the different units I worked on.  I had wonderful nurses who taught me so much and I learned a ton.  I learned a lot about myself too:

#1-I'm a cry baby.  I kind of already knew this about myself but I didn't know that I do not have the ability to keep my emotions in check on the job.  I cried when I was on the Medical/Oncology unit, entering a patient's room to give her a bed bath.  She was on hospice and her entire family was there.  It took me literally three seconds for my eyes to well-up with big alligator tears when I saw their faces, looking at their dying mother.  I quickly scooted into the bathroom behind the CNA (who, thank goodness, happened to be a good friend of mine) and blotted my tears from my face.  I also cried when I saw a 65 year old man, thank his 57 years old sister for being there for his surgery.  He held her hand and told her how much he loved her and appreciated her for being by his side all their life, and he cried.  I sat there wishing I had that same relationship with my brother.  I cried when I admitted a 20 year old boy-man that just got a new kidney from his sister.  He started to cry when he said he was so glad he didn't have to be on dialysis anymore but that he wanted to go back to the clinic to thank all the people there for what they have done for him over the last 7 years.  I guess along with the gag reflex, not crying in front of patients is yet another unwanted trait need I need to work on.  But...

#2-I absolutely can control my gag reflex.  I had throw-up guy on my last day and I can't tell you how proud I am of myself that I did not once feel like I was going to lose my lunch.  This guy could not keep anything down.  He was throwing up stomach acid and bile and doing it about every 30 minutes.  It was so gross and I felt so bad for him because he was so miserable.  To my evil gag reflex's credit, I can't say that I had very many worthy opponents and I'm sure I will get the opportunity to really test it out in the near future.

#3-The most important thing I learned...I think know I can really do this.  I have found my groove.  I have definitely doubted sometimes through the last three semesters if this is really for me (mostly because of the nasty gag reflex). I now know that it is.  It's hard, I mean really hard and I think my classmates would agree.  We were just saying yesterday, yet again, we don't know that we will survive and that it really blows sometimes but we all agreed that it is so fun!!  Through all the tears and melt downs, we are still having such a blast!


*Although I really am having fun, this pretty much sums up the last four weeks beautifully.  This is one of our many study groups on my lunch break.


I am really looking forward to having a few weeks off in August to read for pleasure, maybe take a Sunday nap again and seeing a lot more of Michael hopefully. I also start my meds for our IVF on the 22nd of August.  Sheesh!  I must be crazy.

I'm alive...barely.

Wow, what a month!  I don't have much to say on the baby front. What??  Nothing to say? I know, it's true though.  I can honestly say for the first time since our diagnosis, IT has really not been on my mind very much.  Honestly. As I had anticipated, I have been so busy this semester I haven't had the brain capacity to think about anything but medical diagnosis, surgeries, and well, babies.  Babies have been on my mind but not for the reason you are thinking.  I am taking Med/Surg I and OB.  I LOVE my OB class.  I feel like I had a head start because I have been familiarized with fertility, infertility, conception, and the baby, baby, baby language.  I am definitely in my comfort zone in OB and I can't wait until clinicals next month.  I wish I could say the same for Med/Surg but hopefully I will get there.  I'm definitely not in my comfort zone here.  I've had some really good experiences with my clinicals and some not so great experiences.  My first clinical was a disaster.  I didn't kill anyone but that's only because I didn't have the opportunity.  My nurse would not let me do anything.  I realized later that she barely talked me.  I only count it as a success because I got my nose right in a stool sample and didn't gag.  My second clinical was amazing!  I had a great nurse who actually wanted me to learn and it was the best experience.  It's all been so overwhelming to say the least.  I always say every semester that I am so busy but I had no idea what busy was until now.  I have no time for family or friends which is fine for a few more weeks but I don't even have enough time to do the things I need to for school.  That's been frustrating.  I am not smart.  I have to study...a lot...to do well.

On the baby front (since I am allowing myself to think about something else other than school), we are still excited and can't wait to start.  I have been loving having my Michael back.  He has been the new-old Michael since quitting his crappy job.  We are still looking for other opportunities to build the baby fund but it's getting there.  We are getting so close...just have to survive the summer!


*This is me studying with my group trying to figure out the greater than < > less than signs.  Yes, even in nursing school we do 4th grade math.


*And P.S.  Happy 60th birthday to my amazing Dad!  My dad has been the best example to me over the years and he is what I strive to be.  Thanks for all your love and support through everything!


*Does this guy look 60?  I don't think so, either.  Love you, Dad.

Some Changes...

I cannot believe how busy this semester is already and we are only a couple of weeks in.  I study almost every minute I am not sleeping, eating, or pooping.  Sorry for saying poop but it's true.  I have really had to apply myself and come up with new way to study.  Honestly, I have never had to study very much to do well...so far.  I actually bombed my first test of the semester.  In my program you need an average of 78% on all of your tests to pass the class...I got a 74%.  It's been a very humbling experience for me.  I was completely unprepared for what they were dishing out.  We shall see on Tuesday if my new "I'm-sorry-but-I-can't-(fill in the blank), I'm-studying" method works out.  I hope family and friends do not take it personally that I will be ignoring them all summer.  Hopefully it will be better come August.

On a brighter note, there has been a little change of plans.  Michael is quitting his second job!  This was a tough decision and one that came with a lot of thought and prayer.  See, we actually went to see a therapist.  My work has a free employee assistance program that offers counseling and we took advantage of it because we wanted to make sure WE were okay.  We are definitely okay, more than okay.  But, we did so some prophylaxis on our relationship.  We have been so consumed with our fertility issues that because of the lack of time we have together, it seemed like it was the only thing we have in common lately.  Let me say again, we are more than fine!  We have had no issues in our relationship that caused us to think that we might not be, but we have been warned that infertility can do a number on a married couple's relationship.  I really think we went mostly for a professional's confirmation that we are a cute, loving couple and because we really like to talk about ourselves.  Anyway, she confirmed that we are cute and loving and that yes, we like to talk about ourselves.  She did get us thinking though.  She reminded us that all of the stresses in our life are ones that we have chosen.  She suggested that we think about Michael quitting his second job.  At the time, I thought that was a terrible idea since quitting his job would just be eliminating one stress and adding another.  We still need money to do this so...

I have been thinking about this since then and Michael thinks about it all the time since his job is miserable and he doesn't have a day off.  I love his hard work and dedication to do anything to make this all possible for us. He always has a great attitude, even when he doesn't want to do something.  But, lately he has become depressed and mopey and it's been hard for him to hide his feelings about the job.  I told him a few weeks ago that I missed him because he hasn't been the same guy for a couple of months.  So...no day off, no time together, not being able to go to church, hating the actual work, and basically having no life...it got me thinking.

Up until the today I thought there was no way we would decide that quitting would be the best thing for us right now.  I have been pondering and praying about this ever since the counseling session.  As I was sitting (alone) in Sunday school, something came to me very quietly.  Money is just money.  We will always make more.  Michael needs to quit his job.  The money is not worth sacrificing the most important things in our life right now.  I felt like it's more important for him to be at church every Sunday and for us to have a little more time together.  We have been trying to focus on church, going to the temple, and what's really important.  Money is not one of those things.  I know we will be blessed for doing this.  I just really feel like this is the right thing for us to do and I didn't have to talk Michael into it.  We will continue to pray for other opportunities to make a little extra money for our IVF but either way, it's going to happen.  If we have to charge it then...CHARGE IT!  I'm really good at that.

D.O.N.E.

Another semester down, just four more to go...ugh.  I just found out I pulled off an A-, which is not easy task in Fundies (Nursing Fundamentals).  No, I didn't cry when I found out it was an A minus.  It's kind of impossible to get a solid A in nursing school when an A is 95% or above.  I know, rude.  You basically have to be nearly perfect on all of your tests to do that.  It was fun getting to know all the people in my class...I mean really, really getting to know.  Bowel patterns, menstrual cycles, urinary continence (it's okay, some of us pee a little when we sneeze), gag reflexes (mainly mine...working on it), and general weird habits and quirks.

These are the people in my clinical group on our last day of clinical.  That was a beautiful day and seems like forever ago.  I'm going to miss them this semester.  I had to switch to another group because of my work schedule.  Boo.

We started a tradition of going to Village Inn after our tests to drown our sorrows and anxiety in pie!  Free pie Wednesdays!

Stefanie, Me, Cori, and Flint practicing in the lab.

 

       This is my lab partner, Marie.

Me and Stef, practicing wraps. Lame but we have become quite good friends.

Stefanie giving me her first shot.  I know it looks like I'm freaked out but I really did trust her.  She was just so nervous.  She did a great job...I didn't feel a thing.

Cori and I with our Shim.  It's half male, half female.

Tuesday night study group in the cafeteria.  I had to come study on my lunch break since I worked Tuesday nights.

This coming summer semester is going to be the definition of crazy.  We have OB and Med Surg I.  I am really looking forward to delivering babies and learning more about the basics of nursing but we are going to be beyond busy.  Eight-12 hour clinicals, weekly test, eight hour class days, preloading the night before said 12 hour clinicals, and the dreaded 12 hours-to-write care plans.  It will be over in ten short weeks.  Bring it on!

 (Thanks, Marie for being our group historian and always taking all the pictures!)

First Day of Clinical...

DONE! I'm exhausted. The end.