Twins, Take Two and What We've Been Up To...

What a year it's been! I can't believe 2015 is almost over. I last wrote just before the girls' first birthday (although I've been writing for myself privately). I survived the girls birthday! It was a very wide range of emotions the whole week, as had been the whole year. I love planning my kids' birthday. It just seemed so backwards at times though. I would be in one aisle of the store picking out plates and streamers and then go to another aisle trying to find something that would hold up to the weather for Cora's grave. I kept thinking I shouldn't have to get decorations for her grave, she should be here celebrating with Elena. I went to the checkout a time or two, in tears.

I am blessed to have a family that didn't even need to ask what they could do. They just did it. They knew that I wanted to celebrate both my girls but the preparations were difficult. My parents made all the food and we even had the party at their house. My little sister took care of decorations for the party and even some for Cora's grave. It really didn't help that just a couple of weeks before, I miscarried. We did a D&C the following week and I was having issues related to it all. Emotionally, I was spent anyway. We had transferred two of our last 4 embryos in January and spent a few days worrying about the possibility of twins, then to finding out it was one baby and a blighted ovum, to being devastated at our 9 week ultrasound that found no heartbeat.

I had several weeks of bleeding and lagging Hcg levels (for two months actually). I was eager to get on with things and finish this IVF journey. I wanted to do the last transfer as soon as possible. My levels eventually bottomed out and I finally got rid of the retained tissue from the D&C and my next transfer date was set...July 20th. Just 5 days prior to when the transfer was with the girls, 2 years before. I thought great, the same season of pregnancy, very close due dates. Could I handle this?

An uneventful cycle later, my beta came back at 462. That's very high. I knew two days after the transfer that I was pregnant and five days after the transfer, I confirmed it with a home pregnancy test. I knew I was pregnant with twins again and my beta just confirmed my suspicions. If I am going to be completely honest writing my feelings down, I will say I was not excited. I was a mess until my ultrasound. It's silly with how we need to procreate, to think "how could this happen?" but I did. We went back and forth about how many embryos to transfer and it just didn't make sense on so many levels to only transfer one, especially financially. We prayed about it and we felt we just needed to transfer two and that whatever happened was supposed to be. I also secretly thought, if Heavenly Father knew me at all, he would bless us with just one this time. Hahaha! When will I ever learn? I went into this last cycle believing with all my heart that we were carrying out the plan that was laid for us and that whatever happened was meant to be, even if that meant that we wouldn't have more children. I prayed for an entire year after the girls were born, every night, that my longing for one more child would be taken away and that I would no longer feel like there was another baby to come to our family. Honestly, I used to think that when a person said or felt there was another baby for them that they were just trying to justify their decision to have another. I could never relate to that feeling until this last year. The more I prayed to feel content and feel okay with not using the embryos we had, the more the feeling persisted and knew that I we had to have one more baby.

If Cora had lived, healthy or not, we would have been done. Embryos or no embryos. We had four embryos and consulting with our doctor, went back and forth about transferring one or two. With our cycle in January, we decided to transfer two but the weaker two. We had a great pair, and a pair that had one great one and one slightly weaker. We decided if that only one survived the thaw, we would only transfer one. If they both survived, we would transfer both. Half way through, we changed our mind and decided to transfer the stronger pair. We just wanted to be done and give us the best chance of getting pregnant. We got to the transfer and the message never got where it needed to go and they thawed the weaker pair, which both survived. Fast forward, we were pregnant with one and the second one never developed. It was an empty sac. I cheated and scanned myself at work (perks to working in L&D) and saw two sacs very early on. I will say, I cried for three days. I didn't know how we would survive this. We told close family and friends and started to get excited. We went to our 7 week ultrasound and saw one beautiful heartbeat and one empty sac. I was sad but knew I would be grateful for this outcome. However, walking out of that doctor appointment, my mind flashed to those two embryos and right then I knew we would be using them. The whole pregnancy, however short, felt so surreal...like a dream. It never seemed real. I was a little sick, but nothing too horrible. Around 8 weeks, I started feeling better. I knew something was wrong...I just knew. I had no signs of miscarriage but my heart just knew. My visiting teachers were over a few days before my 9 week ultrasound and I told them I thought something was wrong. They reassured me it was probably just first trimester jitters and I agreed. I had changed my appointment to three days earlier because the progesterone shots were going to kill me and I didn't want to keep doing them if I didn't need to. We went to the ultrasound and the NP asked why I changed my appointment. I told her that I needed to get off the shots (you usually get your weaning schedule at your 9 week appointment) and I quietly slipped in there that I thought something was wrong. As soon as the picture came up, we all saw it, no heartbeat. The baby was measuring 9 weeks so it happen fairly recently. I was just not surprised at all. We were left alone for a good cry and then discussed options...letting it pass on it's own, medication, or D&C. Knowing my body, it would have taken far too long to recognize the pregnancy had failed. The medication sounded horrible and I was far enough along that she warned that it would be painful. I opted for an in office D&C and scheduled it for the next week. Long story short, it went smoothly but I had some retained tissue that caused my Hcg levels to drop very slowly and bled for almost two months. I'm pretty sure I was lacking oxygen to my brain at that time. I was so tired and couldn't think straight. The tissue passed on it's own with my next cycle and we were scheduled for our final FET.

It was July by this time and I was eager to get on with things, although it was also a little tender. The whole thing was bittersweet. Closing a chapter in our lives. A very long 6 year chapter. I was mostly happy to have fertility treatments and the battle of infertility behind us but it will always be such a huge part of our lives. I guess it's a similar feeling to knowing you are having your last pregnancy or baby. Our transfer went smoothly on July 20th and I was on bed rest for a couple of days. I knew two days after the transfer that I was pregnant. The heartburn had already started and I just knew. Five days after the transfer, I didn't feel well and threw up. I ran to the store to get pregnancy test but didn't plan to take it for another two days. Well, I couldn't wait. I knew it was still early but I took it anyway. It came up positive right away and I told Michael. He seemed indifferent but assured me he wasn't and that he just already knew I was pregnant and he was nervous. He said that unfortunately, that little stick didn't provide him any reassurance. I agreed but this was a step in the right direction. We got my beta back and it came back very high at 462. I knew it was twins again and from our previous cycle, knew that it would be okay but I was still terrified. How were we going to do this?

We headed to our first ultrasound two weeks later and was not at all surprised that there were two heartbeats. We had a scare for a minute when the tech said she saw THREE sacs. She said it looked empty though. I made her look three times! It didn't end up being an empty sac, it was a bleed that caused no problems. There were two babies...for the time being. We just had a "one day at a time" attitude. We were pretty ambivalent to the situation. We were not convinced we were having two babies and told no one. We went back the next week...two heartbeats. We went back at 9 weeks...two heartbeats. It started to look like signs pointed to two.

We were released from the fertility clinic and had our first appointment with my OB/MFM. It was a LONG appointment that consisted of genetic counseling, an ultrasound, and clinic appointment. We were told our risks of having another chromosomal defect in one of the babies was a little higher than before and told what our testing options were. We opted not to do anything invasive and definitely declined that dumb blood test that told us everything was fine with girls (they are no longer recommending it for twins anyway). Our doctor told us we would do frequent ultrasounds and we would have as much information from that as we would any blood test. We had the NT screen at 12 weeks and it was not a fun appointment. I was a wreck! The poor tech, even knowing our history, was probably wondering why we were not happy or excited to see our babies. We were in the same room that we found our Cora might have a problem and the same room we were told she had passed away.  In those moments, I questioned everything we did and everything we were doing. I couldn't bare it. The tech cannot really tell us if everything was okay but she did at the end anyway because she knew how anxious we were. She said everything looked great and the measurements were well within the normal limits.

We left that appointment feeling reassured that so far, our babies looked healthy and were growing beautifully. We still didn't spill the beans about having twins yet. Having passed the 12 week mark was a milestone but still didn't feel confident we would be seeing two heartbeats at the next appointment. It was very overwhelming. My dad had had a heart attack less than two weeks before and things were chaotic in our families. No one needed the added stress of knowing about the twins.

We didn't plan on telling anyone until after my 16 week ultrasound and we could possibly find out the genders. We planned on a gender reveal right before Halloween. I had always wanted to have a gender reveal but it never worked out with my other two pregnancies. Michael wanted nothing to do with it. He thinks gender reveals are pretentious, a waste of time, and no one wants to come. I half agree but any reason to get family and friends together to eat and catch up is a good enough for me. We wouldn't have had the gender reveal party if people already knew about the twins or we were just having one. It was a fun, Halloween themed party and the kids wore their costumes and played a couple of games. Of course, there was yummy food too. My friend, Sharon, who was one of the only people in the world that knew about the twins made the "gender reveal pumpkins" and was the only person at the time that knew the genders. It was really fun to announce the genders and the fact we were having twins at the same time. Had we told everyone early on, no one would have been excited and they would have just worried like we did. We didn't need everyone else to be stressed out too.

Everyone was shocked and had no idea that we had been keeping this secret for four months. Some may have been annoyed that we weren't truthful but it was our decision to not tell anyone. We didn't want to stress people out but more than that, we needed to be excited about it before telling anyone and honestly, we weren't at first. Michael has lost 20lbs if that says anything and I've lost 10 lbs right along with him, although for slightly different reasons. We were terrified that we would be destined to repeat the past and equally terrified about the reality of four kids under the age of three. We never planned on having four kids, given how hard it has been to get them here. We always said if we could get two out of this process, we would feel so blessed. We just didn't think a big family was in the cards for us.

We are thrilled we are having a boy and a girl! My intuition told me from the beginning it was a boy and girl so I would have been very pleasantly surprised if it turned out differently. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around it. Chasing around two toddlers has a way of distracting you from things, sort of. I will update about how my pregnancy has gone until now. For now...

BABY BOY AND GIRL HALL

DUE APRIL 6th 2016

Guest post...

I have been asked by a lovely friend to do a guest post on her blog here. I'm honored, especially since I don't feel like I'm a great writer or have any profound or eloquent insight to life. I'm just honest about my feelings and hope that my experiences and feelings can help others in my situation so they may not feel so alone. Everyone has a story to tell and this is mine...

Michael and I met in 2006 and were married later that year. I honestly never really thought about having children until I met him. I always knew that I wanted children and would get married, wait a couple of years, get pregnant, you know, the usual steps. I met, fell in love, and married Michael and I could not believe how much I wanted to have a baby right away. I wanted to be a mother and really wanted to make Michael a father. We were both still in school and wanted to enjoy the time we had together so we didn't do anything hasty but the urge was there and I couldn't wait until we were "ready".

Fast forward to 2008. After about 18 months of marriage and Michael's graduation, we felt like it was time to start "trying". I assumed, probably like most, that we would get pregnant pretty quickly. The first and second months were disappointing but maybe expected. The subsequent months of negative pregnancy tests and watching other people get pregnant was progressively, excruciatingly painful. Anyone wanting to be pregnant and it's not happening knows this pain. After 10 months, we decided it's time to start poking about to see if everything was okay in the fertility world. After several tests, we found out that no, things were not okay. We needed in vitro fertilization (IVF) to have our children. Other people hear of a diagnosis like this and think, problem solved but it's not that simple or unemotional. It's a devastating diagnosis. IVF is emotional, painful, time consuming and above all, expensive. I don't know many that have an extra $15,000 stuffed in their mattresses. It took us a year to be able to afford our first round of IVF. Trying to relay the emotional roller coaster that is infertility cyberspace than I have so feel free to head into the archives of my blog read about those months and years of heartache and joy.

To sum up 4 long years of infertility, we attempted our first round of IVF. We were so confident it would work, they might as well have just handed us a baby. But yet again, another negative test. Up until recently, that was the worst day of my life. A year of saving a lot of money and anticipating finally becoming pregnant, it didn't work. We didn't know what we were going to do or how we were going to afford to do it again. Fast forward a whole year and we were ready to try again. Different doctor, different plan and we found out we were finally pregnant! That joy lasted a split second because we quickly realized it was not a healthy pregnancy and after 10 weeks of waiting and hoping and praying, I had a D&C. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. We were devastated once again. How could this happen? Honestly, the miscarriage was not as devastating as the first IVF failure because I was happy to know that I could get pregnant. We had one frozen embryo left from our second cycle and it was something we did as soon as we could to "get it over with". After two failures, you kind of anesthetize yourself to the situation and go through the motions. After 4 years, we found out we were finally pregnant and it seem to be a healthy pregnancy. Nine months later, this little monkey was born...

Sam, around 14 months

My pregnancy was joyful, easy and exciting. I will say, having a child makes the heartache of infertility dull and distant. I will never forget what we went through because that would be a shame but he makes it easier to look back and smile. Although painful, I wouldn't change a thing because we have him, not a child, him. He is truly our ray of sunshine and a true miracle. We have loved every minute of being parents and have been eager to give him a sibling.

I have always wanted my kids to be closer together in age than farther apart. My sister and I are 18 months apart and I love it! So around Sam's first birthday, we geared up to do IVF again, maybe for the last time. We went through the motions again and were excited to find out we were pregnant once again. What a blessing! Nervous and excited we went to our first ultrasound to find out we were not only pregnant but we were doubly blessed with two strong heartbeats...TWINS! What!? 

First trimester jitters out of the way, we went to our 12 weeks ultrasound. Excited we saw two strong heartbeats again but something was a little off on Baby A. The baby had an early marker that could mean nothing to a heart condition to a chromosomal defect. My heart sunk. I believed it was nothing but over the next two weeks of testing, I was preparing myself to have a child with special needs, most likely Down's Syndrome. We opted not to have an amnio but did a DNA blood test instead. After two weeks of waiting and praying and preparing we got the results. Our baby's chromosomes were completely normal and we were having two girls!! What a miracle! What a relief!

We spent the next two months, watching our baby girls grow and just being blissfully overjoyed at the thought of raising twin girls along with our precious boy. Our family is complete. The time had come for our 20 week ultrasound and I was very nervous. I knew they would be scanning the the anatomy very thoroughly and I just wanted them to be healthy. After about a thousand ultrasound scans, it's easy to read the technicians. When everything looks normal, they are all happy to comment on how perfect your baby looks. When things are not, they get very silent. We have had a lot of quiet ultrasounds. There were a few things that didn't look quite normal to me but I couldn't put my finger on it. They doctor quickly came in after the ultrasound and let us know that a few things were abnormal. She said her heart didn't quite look right (something we had been nervous about since week 12), her right foot appeared to club, and she another marker that pointed towards a chromosomal abnormality. Nothing major but we weren't sure what, if anything, we were dealing with. We already had a test that was negative for the most common abnormalities so we were terrified we were dealing with something extremely rare. But I still felt confident that nothing was wrong. Maybe a heart defect but hopefully nothing too serious that couldn't be fixed. We opted to have an amnio at this point. I'm a need-to-know person so I can be prepared for what is to come. Initial results from the amnio take only a couple of days but the series of tests that come back during that time, we had already been tested for in the DNA blood test so we weren't expecting results for a couple of weeks. Three days later, just after Thanksgiving, our doctor called and wanted to talk to us immediately (never a good sign). My heart sunk once again and all I could think was, "please let it be Down's Syndrome". It's funny when things turn a corner, you find yourself wishing for the very thing you feared the most. 

It was not Down's (Trisomy 21). It was Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. Our initial blood test was wrong. The test is supposed to be 99% accurate. All I knew was that this diagnosis was labeled "incompatible with life". That's a pretty harsh label for such a precious baby. Our world crumbled. After four years of infertility, a miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, we were told we would most likely have to bury our daughter. How could this happen? Were we not exempt from things like this happening to us? That is what I really thought. I thought we had gotten past the hard part. We had endured our trial. This was not happening.  

Anger, crying, screaming, and questioning ensued. Even now I look back to the severe meltdown I had in the shower and it brings me to tears. I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We spent the next month letting things sink in, researching, trying to accept our daughter's fate. It's still, to this day, hard accept because she is doing so well. She is a tiny, little fighter. She does not show many of the typical anomalies that Trisomy 18 babies show. Just a mild club foot and delayed growth. Her heart is perfectly normal and she is a mover. We have been told she can pass away at anytime but if she lives until birth, we should expect her to pass away within a day to a week.

We don't know what to expect but here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with twin girls, trying to enjoy every moment and make memories with her while her heart still beats. I grieve many things daily. I grieve for her sister that they will never get to share that bond of a twin on earth. I grieve for her brother, who is still too young to understand what is happening (which I find a blessing in disguise). I grieve for her loving father, who will not get snuggle his two daughters together in his big, loving arms. She is still very much with us and we are doing well but we haven't had to say goodbye yet. We haven't done the hard part. We are making arrangements and preparing for the many scenarios that might take place. It's an odd feeling. No mother should ever have to think of funeral arrangements while her child moves within her. I used to think, "why us?" but then...why not us? I am not stronger or braver than any other mother so I would be able to "handle" this better. I do not have a better understanding of why these things happen. I've simply been chosen to be this special little girl's mother and I have been honored to carry her for as long as God will let me. I have a knowledge of our mortal purpose here on earth and she will fulfill hers more quickly than mine or yours.

Update...I'm back...Again...

I've been a terrible blogger over the last months.  I blame it on the fact that I feel like if not talking about infertility, then I'm not being honest which is kind of dumb, I know.  I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I made a few goals for myself over the last several months and the most daunting one was to enjoy my life as is. I have a great life and I have never been able to deny that.  I am so blessed.  I get to spend everyday in a warm house that we can afford, I have enough food, I am married to the most handsome, funniest, smartest guy I have ever met, and we are still gag-me-with-a-spoon in love, etc.  But, I felt I was wasting moments that I should be enjoying more because of our childless state.  I have always known that some way or another, I would be a mom.  I tried to remind myself everyday to enjoy those childless moments that I have now.  Getting out of bed when I feel like it (it's 1:00pm and I haven't moved from it yet...don't judge, I worked four nights in a row), going to movies at the last minute, going anywhere at the last minute, having a somewhat clean and unbroken house, etc.  So, I made a goal to enjoy these moments more and not talking about infertility has really helped.  That is why I haven't blogged recently.  I'm back.  I fear that I did not have enough time to meet my goal fully because not long after I made it, this happened:

11.5 weeks
BABY HALL due SEPTEMBER 1, 2012

I guess "happened" is the wrong word.  This did not "happen" on it's own.  After the miscarriage, I was dying to try again.  I couldn't bear going through the holidays with nothing happening, even though I knew it could have potentially made our holidays a disaster.  We had one, just one, embryo on ice.  I was certain that it would fail. I felt like the FET was just a stepping stone to being able to do a fresh cycle (which the thought of nauseated me) and a chance for real success.

We told no one except for people at my work.  There was still a lot of appointments and I couldn't take care of certain infectious patients.  It's much easier to keep an FET a secret than a full fresh cycle.  We transferred on December 15th and the blood tests were on Dec. 23rd and Dec. 26th (my clinic does not tell you anything until after the second blood test).  The clinic was closed both days so I had to go somewhere else to get my blood drawn.  I went to my hospital, which of course allowed me to access my own medical records.  Michael and I had heated discussions about taking a home pregnancy test before Christmas or accessing the blood tests before Christmas.  I wanted to; he did not.  I felt like the anticipation was way worse than knowing, dealing, and having Christmas to cheer me up.  He felt the opposite.  He was afraid of a negative outcome ruining Christmas.  The few days leading to the blood test were full of distractions.  I had family here and it was full of holiday festivities.  I started to get excited because a part of me felt I was pregnant. I was starving every 3 hours and I was TIRED.  However, I was still a wreck before and after that first blood test. I was starting the think I was underestimating how devastated I would be with a negative test.  Michael and I never really came to an agreement about finding out the results.  I wasn't going to look or take a test because he felt so strongly about it, and he just assumed I was going to and was going to deal with it possibly ruining Christmas.  So, when the day came, he was a little irritated that I said I wasn't going to look or take a test because he had already wrapped his head around knowing that day.

I went to a quiet IHC lab, had my blood drawn and asked when "stat" results were posted to the medical record.  The phleb said 45 minutes.  Three hours later, after hitting refresh about a thousand times, a beautiful number of 103 came up on the screen.  I was pregnant.  I squealed, I cried, I called Michael.  He knew from
the sound of my voice.  I went to work, only to be told to go home and celebrate.  I had the best Christmas present ever.  I didn't need anything else.

The day after Christmas, I went to have my blood drawn again. I was nervous again.  This is the part that did not go so well for us last time.  I had a great number but it needed to double.  I was just going to wait until my clinic called but they called and said they hadn't seen the results yet.  I panicked and went online on my phone and there was a nice number next to the 103...460!  It had more than doubled.  I was so happy!  460 is quite a large number for 10 days post transfer.  I started wondering of embryos splitting and identical twins.  My clinic called and gave me the good news.  The NP asked if I cheated and I fessed-up.  She said she would have too. I had another blood draw 10 days after that and it only needed to be around 1200...it was 6325.  I got scheduled for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to "see how many are in there".  Just one.  A relief.

I have had four ultrasounds (the one of few beauties of infertility...heavy monitoring) and every ultrasound has looked perfect. I had my first OB appointment this week and baby is measuring ahead of schedule.  I have hesitated to publish this post.  Although I don't really believe in jinxes, it just all seems too good to be true. I am nearing the end of my first trimester (I am 12 weeks today) and it still doesn't seem real.  I will post about the pregnancy so far, later.  Michael and I were a mess before our first ultrasound because we never really got so far as to see a heartbeat last time.  I guess we keep expecting bad news which is horrible but it is very hard not to.  So far, no bad news...just amazing blessings, left and right.

Sad news...

Our worst fears were confirmed yesterday.  We went in to have the ultrasound and thank goodness it was with the RE. I swear I knew more last week than the NP did.  He found the sac right away and said he was sorry.  It's no longer perfectly round and the baby is still measuring way too small for 8 weeks.  When sacs are not round, it's not healthy and last week I even asked about the irregular shape and if it was normal (which I knew it wasn't) and she just said "it can be".

At first, we were mostly relieved.  Relieved to finally have an answer to our question for 4 weeks.  This limbo thing has been excruciating.  It's unfortunate that I am actually pregnant for the first time and haven't been able to enjoy one moment.  I am not sick which I have predicted for a long time that I would be one of lucky ones.  I am overly tired which has been great since I have an excuse to go to bed early and catch up on all of the sleep I have been lacking for years.  And, I have been able to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself!

The weirdest part of this?  I haven't really cried yet.  I don't know why.  Maybe I have no tears left?  Is that possible?  It's a little unnerving. I just keep waiting for the big meltdown. I had a cute, older patient last night that has 8 children and asked me at the end of my shift if I had any kids.  I told him, "no, not yet".  He shook his finger at me and told me I should not wait any longer.  He went on to tell me he hasn't done much with life.  He hasn't traveled much, never went to graduate school, his career isn't much to boast but he has 8 great kids that are the joy of his life.  I was actually honest with him and told him the truth.  Maybe it was TMI and too much much for a patient/nurse relationship but I hate when people judge me when I tell that we don't have children yet.  They assume I am too career oriented or we simply can't be bothered right now.  He took my hand and said he was so sorry and that Lord knows me and he will not forget my righteous desire.  This all should have set me off but it didn't.  I don't like it.  I want to cry.  I feel like my composure means I don't care.

Where does this leave us in the world of infertility (a place I would desperately like to leave!)?  I don't know. I just know I have to get through what is to come.  The pain of watching my friends have their babies.  The pain of important dates passing us by once again.  Not finding out on Christmas if we are having a boy or girl. Yet another Mother's Day gone. It's all too familiar.

I have to thank our amazing families, our friends, and everybody else that have been so supportive and offered their prayers. We feel so uplifted. Maybe that's why I can't cry? I know nothing else is more important than to have a family that loves you. We are so blessed.  Our ward has been great, strangers have been great.  We couldn't ask for better people to surround us.

Michael Hall, I love you.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone but you.  You are my best friend and I desperately love you.

Ugh...

Ugh, I may have to retract my last post.  Hi…it’s me, Danielle, the infertile.  I haven’t written in a while.  Well, that’s not true.  I have written but I have been lacking in follow through.  I would like to blame my insane schedule (which, it totally is) but it’s mostly because I can’t seem to finish a thought, a post, or even a sentence lately. My mind is a tangled web of thought and emotion.  The last ten posts I have started to write are all word vomit.  Not worth mine or anyone else’s time.

I HATE the way I am feeling lately.  Hate it.  A month ago I felt like I was finally getting to place where I was happy.  Reference previous post if you don’t know what I am talking about.  I hope think I feel the same way as I did then.  Today, I am not so sure.  My heart is once again tortured at the thought that we might not get pregnant this year, or the next, or ever.  I am sad today.  I think I feel this way now because I can feel our looming IVF creeping up on us again.  In just one month we meet with our new RE…

We are not going back to the U of U.  I’m kind of sad, kind of excited.  We are going to a clinic in Sandy, Reproductive Care Center.  The REs at the U did their jobs.  Looking back, I do feel like the ball was dropped in a few areas of my cycle but that is not the reason why we are not going back. Simply RCC offers an incentive program, the U does not.  At RCC, we will pay a little more (like $3000) and if our first cycle is not successful, we get do another one for no additional cost.  If it is successful (heaven help me, please), then we are done.  I like knowing that the extra cost will go towards another couple’s cycle.  Basically, it’s insurance.  I have heard wonderful testimonials about RCC and few people I know have had great success there.

The incentive program is the only way I can stomach thinking about doing this again.  I’m starting to get nauseous teary thinking about it.  Honestly, I do not want to do it again.  I don’t.  And honestly, I have been praying for a miracle.  We have been “actively trying” again and it’s a weird place.  A place that seems so far away, so long ago.  I guess it would explain all the emotions I have had lately.  I keep feeling disappointed even though I know our chances of conceiving naturally are less than 0.1% (so they tell us).  It’s probably because I literally get on my knees and beg, everyday.  I want a miracle. I know miracles happen because I’ve seen them. 

I’m just so scared.  It’s hard to willingly put yourself in danger.  Knowing that your world could be shattered…again. Why do we do this?  No explanation needed, I know. Michael surprised me today by saying he feels really optimistic about this cycle.  I was shocked considering a week ago he felt worse than I do now.  I wish I felt the same.  Some days I do, I guess.  We are both terrified of the financial end of this rotten deal.  Last time we were fortunate enough to have the money.  This time, not so much.  I hate money.  A necessary evil.  We are both scared of taking out a $15,000 loan and making monthly payments that could be a potential reminder of constant disappointment, sadness, and empty arms.  The only thing that fifteen grand bought us last time was a broken heart.  

However, despite all of these feelings, we move on…we move forward.  As much as I don’t want to do it, of course, we will anyway.  I think I am turning into a masochist.  Heaven help me, please.

Epiphany...

I stalk infertility blogs.  They are plentiful, unfortunately.  They all resonate with me in some way.  Almost every time I read a post I feel it's me writing it, which is unfortunate also.  Today, I read a post on a blog that made me feel this way again.  This was not unfortunate, however.  She wrote how she had an epiphany playing a card game with her hubby and realized that if card games on a Saturday night was all she ever had she was happy, content, and fulfilled.

I found myself agreeing again.  I realized I feel exactly the same way and I was a little surprised, a little not.  I'm I was hoping that one day I would be here but I never thought it would happen so quickly.  It helps that I firmly believe that it won't just be Michael and I for the rest of our lives but I still would be okay.   Probably better than okay, I would be great.  I am done being sad about our infertility.  I still long for a baby but I am so happy to be feeling like us, again.  I am thrilled that I feel like this one thing no longer consumes or defines our lives.  Of course I still think about it daily.  I always will and I will never give up on my future children.  But, there is a certain peace I feel when I think about it now.  Peace and certainty.

The new year brought a new attitude, new hope.  I am hopeful again.  With hope comes the possibility of disappointment and that is scary.  I have 100% turned this matter over to the Lord.  I humbly submit myself to His will and His plan for us and our family.  I know this all on His time (funny...I would get so bugged when people would tell me that) and it will happen when He wants it to happen.  I am certain that we have very special children waiting for us and they are our children.

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Just Haven't Met You Yet...

I was in the car yesterday and randomly turned on the radio, which is a rare thing.  Michael Buble's, Just Haven't Met You Yet, came on.  I've heard this song a few hundred times but for some reason, I was really intent on listening to the lyrics.  I started to cry as I applied the meaning to my life.  Here's why, give it a listen...

Continue in Patience...

So...I'm kind of obsessed with this talk Continue in Patience, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  It is the whole talk that is in the video I posted in the previous post.  I read it, or bits of it every night.  It is so applicable to my life right now and gives me strength and hope.  There is something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later.....Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

I know I will have children.  I'm working on being okay with it not being on my time.  If you have a minute, read it.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.

Negative...

Forgive me if this is all over the place.  I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down.  How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time?  I feel angry.  At who?  I don't know but I want someone or something to blame.  I'm definitely in denial.  I don't believe it yet.  I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work.  I do not accept it.  I keep searching for a way to make it right.  This was supposed to work, it had to work.  There was not a reason why it should not have.  I feel lost.  So, so lost.  This was our life for an entire year.  We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated.  We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement.  We saved up our money to have a baby.  I'm lost because I don't where to go from here.  What is next?  There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out.  I had plans, I was prepared for what was next.  I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news.  I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward.  I don't know where to go or what to do?  Somebody help me.  I feel like fool.  I feel foolish and like I've been tricked.  I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work.  That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless.  I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't.  I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic.  Should I not have been?  We were told we had no reason not be optimistic.  This was perfect.  Our embryos were perfect.  I'm healthy.  Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs.  Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary.  Why?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  What?  Have I not suffered enough?  I pleaded with God not to let this happen.  I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear.  They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.  Right now, I don't believe that.  I don't feel like I will survive this.  I feel like my body let me down.  I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens.  So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work.  I'm numb.  I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up.  I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out.  I'm not ready to deal with the real pain.  I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me.  Oh, Michael.  I wish I could take it all away from him.  I know he still feels responsible for all this.  He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me.  My heart has never hurt so bad.  Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew.  I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true.  I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment.  I didn't want him to feel responsible.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to say  sorry.  He does not.  Neither of us did but we both kept saying it.  I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning.  I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test.  Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight.  I couldn't look at it.  I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes.  Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone.  I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line.  I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no.  This cannot be happening!  This is not real.  It's just another dream.  A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week.  Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too.  Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins.  Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again.  I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative.  Not a hint of line.  We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test.  The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did.  Lots of people do.  We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out.  If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing.  Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other.  No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news.  I'm glad I am with him today.  I can't even be out of the same room as him right now.  I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked.  I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate.  I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different.  That almost never happens.  Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all.  I know in my heart I am not one of those people.  The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine.  I hate this.  I feel ill.  Deep down I feel like I knew this.  It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason.  I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown.  I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around.  I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart.  We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for.  I never did.  I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer.  I knew what it meant.  I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative?  I want to go back there.  I want to go back to having that hope again.  It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth.  I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved.  It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line.  We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix.  This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative.  This is devastation defined.  How can a heart so broken still be beating?  The human body really is amazing.  I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now.  Where do we go from here? I don't know.  On vacation?  Do we try again now?  Do we try again at all?  Do we learn to live childless?  I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle.  How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again?  This was supposed to be perfect.  My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby).  I feel like I lost a life.  Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents.  We were ready, we are ready.  I don't know what this life is.  This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us.  I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to.  I guess I could go on and on.  I'm feeling too much.  Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless.  I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is.  I'm broken and I need to be fixed.  Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant.  It would not be what I was expecting to hear.  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
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It's now 2pm.  We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process.  They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate.  They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative.  I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer.  We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news.  No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say.  All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us.  I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.

One Word...

...Negative.  How can a heart this broken still be beating?

Still Just Waiting...

If I ever had doubts about being so public and forthcoming with our infertility, they have been put to rest these past few days.  I am overwhelmed by the prayers and support of family, friends, acquaintances, and honestly, people I barely know or don't know at all.  When I was on bed rest, I felt great.  I was glowing.  I woke-up every morning hopeful and full of the knowledge that I was a little "pregnant".  Since getting back to life and my routine, something has changed.  I am trying so hard to stay positive and stay faithful but honestly, I'm terrified right now.  I hate that I wake-up every morning with the thought that it might be all over.  I cry several times a day, maybe for a good reason, maybe not.  One minute I know I'm pregnant, the next, I'm asking myself why this didn't work.  And, the only thing that keeps me going is Michael and the fact the so many people, near and far, are rooting for us.  I have been moved to tears (not hard to do right now) with the outpouring of prayers, encouragement, and support that we have received.  Some of my favorites...I hope they don't mind me sharing:


Dear Danielle
Just a quick not to let you know how much I have been praying for you the last few months. I woke up early this morning and began my fast and began to pray - as I was praying, I was overcome with the thought that not only was I praying for you and Michael, I was actually praying for a little life. That was huge....and brings it tears to my eyes. Please know how much I am touched by your faith and your determination. I have watched you grow up into this intelligent, beautiful and precious young woman. I know there are beautiful blessings in store for you and I count it an honor to be praying for you, Michael & YOUR little one.

Much love

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A list of my wishes

1.) My wish, for her, is comfort and peace. She is so brave. Far braver that I could ever be. She has faced something so difficult. Selfishly, I don't think I could have done it... and yet, she did it... does it selflessly. I cannot give her assurance. I wish, though, for her to find comfort and for her to find peace, somewhere, in this scary time of "What If".

2.) My wish, for him, is to know. To know how much I love him. To know how much I value his friendship. To know that shooting zombies is one of the best memories I have. To know that my life is a better place with him in it. To know that I admire him for the husband he is and the father he will be. To know that my heart breaks every time his does. To know that he is one of the greatest men I know... and one of the best frieds I have.

3.) My wish, for them, is happiness. They have earned it. They deserve it. And, I want it for them so bad. If I could do anything to help I would. I hope they know that.

~In the book that is my memory, on the page that begins the chapter of the day I met you [both], appear the words 'Here begins a new life.'

xoxoxox ~ I love you both!!!!

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I love it when people tell me this is going to work.  I know they don't really know it will but I believe them with all my heart and that is all I have right now.  It fuels my good moments.  Right now, I believe this will work.  I am too scared to take any more pregnancy tests (I took a couple to see if the trigger was out of my system...it is).  I have seen far too many single lines in the last couple years to want to even go near them again.  


I have faith in my Heavenly Father (whom I speak with many times a day) that he will bless us.  We have become so close and I know he hears my prayers.  I have promised to take good care of the child He sends us, His child.  I ache for the opportunity.  For now, I'm still waiting.

Motherhood...

                           ....I just hope I get the opportunity.

Hardest Transfer of the Year Award...

The RE actually said that!  Haha!  I am really glad I can laugh about it. My transfer took an 1.5 hours! I had 2 RE's try to thread the catheter (they don't usually use ultrasound guidance at my clinic) and then they pulled out the ultrasound. My trial transfer was easy, breezy but it turns out since my ovaries are so big still, it displaced my uterus all the way to my left side and it kind of folded over itself! They had all the residents come in to watch because "they haven't seen this difficult of a transfer before". Glad I could be a learning tool. They made me fill my bladder to use the ultrasound and that was the worst part! I felt like I was going to pee all over everyone!

My embies that they transferred were perfect blastocysts, no hatching yet. One of the embies didn't make it to today. Of the three left, 2 were early blasts and the other was at the morula stage still. They will call me tomorrow to let me know if they were able to freeze them. Fingers crossed but I'm not holding my breath. Overall, I was really happy and I am officially P.U.P.O.!  PUPO is a term that means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  They gave us a little card with a picture of the embryos that said something to the effect, "thank you for choosing us".  I've tried to post it but it's been difficult...I will later.

They reassured me that the difficulty placing the catheter had no bearing on the success. They even joked that since my uterus is folded, the babies can't fall out! They told me I still have a 70% chance of getting pregnant and 35% of twins...yikes.  I am flat in bed all day today, same tomorrow, and resting for the next three days after that.  Oh gosh, I hope this works.  

Day 1: Stims

We are to 3 shots a day now!  Woohoo!  I am actually excited!  I woke-up and Michael was still here so he got do my shots with me.  He even mixed one of the meds because I was having trouble drawing it up.  I was using the wrong needle!  There are over 80 needles so it's all little confusing still.  I saved the Repronex shot for last because everyone says it awful but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  It did sting when it went in and ached for a while after.  Not too bad...yet.  Michael reminded me it was only the first one and to give it time...thanks, baby.

Side Effects.


Oh, man.  I want to preface by saying that this all totally worth it and I'm loving the drama of it all...really.  I wasn't expecting any side effects from the Lupron and truthfully, if I wasn't paying attention, I would probably not even noticed them or chalk them up to something else.  The biggest one, I'm not sleeping!  I have NEVER in my life had trouble sleeping.  Anyone that knows me real well knows I can sleep anywhere, anytime and it takes a lot to rouse me.  I have not had trouble falling asleep but I wake-up on average 10 times a night.  I took an anti-nausea pill the other night that is supposed to knock you out...I only woke-up twice (and I slept in until 9:30a).  I woke-up a few mornings ago with more than a few lovely red spots all over my face...another glamorous side effect.

The hot flashes, oh my!  I will be fine one minute and next I can feel sweat streaming from every pore in my armpits...I know, gross.  Michael thinks I'm being dramatic (how do you stick out your tongue on a blog?).  It really is all not that bad.  The sleeping thing is bothering my though.  People tell me it's just preparing me for motherhood.  No, thanks!  I am fully aware that my nights of good sleep are numbered and I am supposed be enjoying every good night sleep I can have.  I'm going to call and ask about a sleep aid.  I'm generally against it but I have GOT to do something.  Last night I woke-up 7 times.  Ughh!

And all of this was just with the Lupron!  I am expecting some side effects with the stims (stimulation medications), but I was surprised by the Lupron.  On stims, the ovaries literally grow to the size of grapefruits so you can imagine how uncomfortable one can get.  One being me.  It's been a couple of hours since the shots and I don't know if it's in my head but I think I can actually feel my ovaries now.  I asked my friend, Karen about it and she said she could feel hers all the time, so maybe it's not in my head.  Starting today, I am not allowed caffeine (sniff,sniff), only mild exercise (no twisting, no heavy lifting, no crunches, heart rate not to go above 140bpm, nothing that targets the belly area), basically nothing you would do if you were already pregnant.  I have my first ultrasound on Saturday to see how the follicles are developing.  I'm just crossing my fingers that things go well and that I don't under or overstimulate.  Michael's little problem is taken care of the day of retrieval so everything is kind of up to me now.  No, I don't have any prior known issues but the doctors have no idea how I will respond to the medication.  It's a very delicate process.  Literally, we are putting all my eggs in one basket!

A visual of how big the ovaries can get.  No wonder I can already feel them!

Big Box o' Meds

That is 101 needles, people (I won't have to use them all, though). 18 down!