36 Weeks...Tick, Tock

Here's a fun little comparison. I will try and snap some pictures this week. I kind of want to be the girl on the left. Her eyes are smiling and she is feeling the joy you ought to be feeling when you're 37 weeks pregnant.

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain: 21lbs! It's crazy how I tried to not put on too much weight with Sam and gained 30 lbs and I tried like crazy to gain at least that much and it's been difficult to put it on. 

Sleep? I can't believe I'm saying this but I have been sleeping better the last week than I have in months. It's still not great but so much better. Elena dropped and I feel like I can breathe better, my reflux is better, and I generally have more energy. Don't let this fool you into thinking I feel "good" but I definitely feel better. Getting a better nights rest really helps. I'm still up a couple of night to pee and to flip over. Not roll over. Flip over...like a fish. One swift motion.

Best moment of the week?  I am overwhelmed with the love, support, and kindness we have been shown over this pregnancy but especially over the last few weeks. I have been a little resistant to accepting help because I am still working; i.e. not on bed rest and I guess it's just in ones nature to have a "I can do everything" attitude. I definitely can't do it all and have been grateful for the help. This past week, the Relief Society organized babysitting everyday for Sam (which I attribute to having more energy) and left a "Love Box" on our porch. It's a box that people can come and drop off anything they want. We have had something everyday from toys for Sam to treats to notes of encouragement and love.

Miss anything? Me. I miss me. Honestly, I'm not in a great place right now. I am afraid. I'm about to deliver these girls and I'm terrified. The anxiety has set in and we just can't plan anything from now on. I should be overcome with joy but instead all I feel is dread and I cry over anything. How am I supposed to do this? I wish there was an instruction manual to tell me what I'm supposed to do and how the finish product will look. Sometimes I don't know how I am going to survive this?

Movement? Yes. They are running out of room and I can't feel Cora sometimes which of course stresses me out. She is very deep against my spine (that feels wonderful!) and she's tiny so I don't feel her like I feel Elena.

Food cravings? Just chocolate. I have been trying to eat as much as I can the last couple of weeks to put some weight on these girls. They will be small, especially Cora, who was estimated at 3 lbs. a couple of weeks ago. Elena was just over 5 lbs. I'm hoping for 3.5 lbs and 6 lbs. 

Anything make you queasy or sick? No. My reflux is actually better now that Elena has dropped and I can't believe how much better I feel! Thank you, Miss B.

Labor signs? Lots of contractions! Lots. But who knows if they are doing much. My OB checked me at 34 weeks (ouch!) and I was 60% effaced and not dilated, which was good at 34 weeks. I'm ready now. I will see on Monday if these contractions have been working their magic. Fingers crossed...I would really rather go on my own than be induced. I have been really worried this past week that I wasn't going to make it to 36 weeks and my doctor was also out of town for a couple days and I really want him to be there. After all this anxiety, I will probably need to be induced. I just don't feel like it will happen on it's own in the next 5 days. We'll see.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? A little reflux, heartburn, contractions.

Happy or Moody? Very moody. I feel bad for Michael because I feel like I have been snappy with him. You always hurt the ones you love most, huh? I'm am so on edge and I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. It's making me a little crazy. Sorry, Michael.

Looking forward to...? Being done working. Yes, I'm still working. It is really hard but I'm managing. I have two more shifts this week and then I'm done. I was concerned about going into labor last week but these upcoming shifts are welcome to speed things up so I will do my best to make it through them.

Realization of the week? These girls will be here in 6 days or less! It will be the longest 6 days of my life. Each day that goes by, the more scared I am of Cora passing away. There are some fetal conditions that babies do better inside the womb but these Trisomy 18 babies aren't necessarily safer inside. She is just as likely to pass away now as she is when she's born, especially at this later stage. Her growth has really slowed (measuring almost 5 weeks behind now) and she has developed a cardiac arrhythmia (irregular heart beat). We just don't know how well she will do until she's born. Statistically, she won't have long.

I really can't believe we are here sometimes. Can this really be happening? My prayer is that Cora will live long enough for us to say hello and goodbye and that we may find peace in all this. I'm trying not to be afraid because faith and fear can not coexist. I have faith that God can perform miracles and our miracle would be that we can have a little time with Cora.

Guest post...

I have been asked by a lovely friend to do a guest post on her blog here. I'm honored, especially since I don't feel like I'm a great writer or have any profound or eloquent insight to life. I'm just honest about my feelings and hope that my experiences and feelings can help others in my situation so they may not feel so alone. Everyone has a story to tell and this is mine...

Michael and I met in 2006 and were married later that year. I honestly never really thought about having children until I met him. I always knew that I wanted children and would get married, wait a couple of years, get pregnant, you know, the usual steps. I met, fell in love, and married Michael and I could not believe how much I wanted to have a baby right away. I wanted to be a mother and really wanted to make Michael a father. We were both still in school and wanted to enjoy the time we had together so we didn't do anything hasty but the urge was there and I couldn't wait until we were "ready".

Fast forward to 2008. After about 18 months of marriage and Michael's graduation, we felt like it was time to start "trying". I assumed, probably like most, that we would get pregnant pretty quickly. The first and second months were disappointing but maybe expected. The subsequent months of negative pregnancy tests and watching other people get pregnant was progressively, excruciatingly painful. Anyone wanting to be pregnant and it's not happening knows this pain. After 10 months, we decided it's time to start poking about to see if everything was okay in the fertility world. After several tests, we found out that no, things were not okay. We needed in vitro fertilization (IVF) to have our children. Other people hear of a diagnosis like this and think, problem solved but it's not that simple or unemotional. It's a devastating diagnosis. IVF is emotional, painful, time consuming and above all, expensive. I don't know many that have an extra $15,000 stuffed in their mattresses. It took us a year to be able to afford our first round of IVF. Trying to relay the emotional roller coaster that is infertility cyberspace than I have so feel free to head into the archives of my blog read about those months and years of heartache and joy.

To sum up 4 long years of infertility, we attempted our first round of IVF. We were so confident it would work, they might as well have just handed us a baby. But yet again, another negative test. Up until recently, that was the worst day of my life. A year of saving a lot of money and anticipating finally becoming pregnant, it didn't work. We didn't know what we were going to do or how we were going to afford to do it again. Fast forward a whole year and we were ready to try again. Different doctor, different plan and we found out we were finally pregnant! That joy lasted a split second because we quickly realized it was not a healthy pregnancy and after 10 weeks of waiting and hoping and praying, I had a D&C. The baby had stopped growing at about 6 weeks. We were devastated once again. How could this happen? Honestly, the miscarriage was not as devastating as the first IVF failure because I was happy to know that I could get pregnant. We had one frozen embryo left from our second cycle and it was something we did as soon as we could to "get it over with". After two failures, you kind of anesthetize yourself to the situation and go through the motions. After 4 years, we found out we were finally pregnant and it seem to be a healthy pregnancy. Nine months later, this little monkey was born...

Sam, around 14 months

My pregnancy was joyful, easy and exciting. I will say, having a child makes the heartache of infertility dull and distant. I will never forget what we went through because that would be a shame but he makes it easier to look back and smile. Although painful, I wouldn't change a thing because we have him, not a child, him. He is truly our ray of sunshine and a true miracle. We have loved every minute of being parents and have been eager to give him a sibling.

I have always wanted my kids to be closer together in age than farther apart. My sister and I are 18 months apart and I love it! So around Sam's first birthday, we geared up to do IVF again, maybe for the last time. We went through the motions again and were excited to find out we were pregnant once again. What a blessing! Nervous and excited we went to our first ultrasound to find out we were not only pregnant but we were doubly blessed with two strong heartbeats...TWINS! What!? 

First trimester jitters out of the way, we went to our 12 weeks ultrasound. Excited we saw two strong heartbeats again but something was a little off on Baby A. The baby had an early marker that could mean nothing to a heart condition to a chromosomal defect. My heart sunk. I believed it was nothing but over the next two weeks of testing, I was preparing myself to have a child with special needs, most likely Down's Syndrome. We opted not to have an amnio but did a DNA blood test instead. After two weeks of waiting and praying and preparing we got the results. Our baby's chromosomes were completely normal and we were having two girls!! What a miracle! What a relief!

We spent the next two months, watching our baby girls grow and just being blissfully overjoyed at the thought of raising twin girls along with our precious boy. Our family is complete. The time had come for our 20 week ultrasound and I was very nervous. I knew they would be scanning the the anatomy very thoroughly and I just wanted them to be healthy. After about a thousand ultrasound scans, it's easy to read the technicians. When everything looks normal, they are all happy to comment on how perfect your baby looks. When things are not, they get very silent. We have had a lot of quiet ultrasounds. There were a few things that didn't look quite normal to me but I couldn't put my finger on it. They doctor quickly came in after the ultrasound and let us know that a few things were abnormal. She said her heart didn't quite look right (something we had been nervous about since week 12), her right foot appeared to club, and she another marker that pointed towards a chromosomal abnormality. Nothing major but we weren't sure what, if anything, we were dealing with. We already had a test that was negative for the most common abnormalities so we were terrified we were dealing with something extremely rare. But I still felt confident that nothing was wrong. Maybe a heart defect but hopefully nothing too serious that couldn't be fixed. We opted to have an amnio at this point. I'm a need-to-know person so I can be prepared for what is to come. Initial results from the amnio take only a couple of days but the series of tests that come back during that time, we had already been tested for in the DNA blood test so we weren't expecting results for a couple of weeks. Three days later, just after Thanksgiving, our doctor called and wanted to talk to us immediately (never a good sign). My heart sunk once again and all I could think was, "please let it be Down's Syndrome". It's funny when things turn a corner, you find yourself wishing for the very thing you feared the most. 

It was not Down's (Trisomy 21). It was Trisomy 18 or Edward's Syndrome. Our initial blood test was wrong. The test is supposed to be 99% accurate. All I knew was that this diagnosis was labeled "incompatible with life". That's a pretty harsh label for such a precious baby. Our world crumbled. After four years of infertility, a miscarriage, failed IVF cycles, we were told we would most likely have to bury our daughter. How could this happen? Were we not exempt from things like this happening to us? That is what I really thought. I thought we had gotten past the hard part. We had endured our trial. This was not happening.  

Anger, crying, screaming, and questioning ensued. Even now I look back to the severe meltdown I had in the shower and it brings me to tears. I literally thought I was going to punch a hole in the wall. I wanted to punch a hole in the wall. We spent the next month letting things sink in, researching, trying to accept our daughter's fate. It's still, to this day, hard accept because she is doing so well. She is a tiny, little fighter. She does not show many of the typical anomalies that Trisomy 18 babies show. Just a mild club foot and delayed growth. Her heart is perfectly normal and she is a mover. We have been told she can pass away at anytime but if she lives until birth, we should expect her to pass away within a day to a week.

We don't know what to expect but here I am, 31 weeks pregnant with twin girls, trying to enjoy every moment and make memories with her while her heart still beats. I grieve many things daily. I grieve for her sister that they will never get to share that bond of a twin on earth. I grieve for her brother, who is still too young to understand what is happening (which I find a blessing in disguise). I grieve for her loving father, who will not get snuggle his two daughters together in his big, loving arms. She is still very much with us and we are doing well but we haven't had to say goodbye yet. We haven't done the hard part. We are making arrangements and preparing for the many scenarios that might take place. It's an odd feeling. No mother should ever have to think of funeral arrangements while her child moves within her. I used to think, "why us?" but then...why not us? I am not stronger or braver than any other mother so I would be able to "handle" this better. I do not have a better understanding of why these things happen. I've simply been chosen to be this special little girl's mother and I have been honored to carry her for as long as God will let me. I have a knowledge of our mortal purpose here on earth and she will fulfill hers more quickly than mine or yours.

31 Weeks!

How far along? 31.2 weeks

Total weight gain: 15lbs down from 19lbs. I will get an official measurement at my appointment next week. I'm pretty sure I've lost 3-4lbs in the last two weeks being sick. I couldn't eat much and then about a week into it, I couldn't keep anything down. Horrible.

Sleep? Sleep is something that I think I may have to say goodbye to for a long while. I just started feeling better a few days ago and I have been sleeping better since then but I have so many aches and pains at night. I pulled muscles in my ribs from coughing and it really hurts to lay on either side right now. My hips are very sore at night as well so sick or healthy, I don't think I will be sleeping well from here on out.

Best moment of the week?  The morning I woke up feeling slightly better! Michael was so excited to see my increase of energy that he wanted to do a bunch of fun stuff but I'm definitely not 100%. He is still overestimating how well I feel. I'm attempting to go back to work tonight for the first time in over 2 weeks even though I feel like I could use one more day. But I really am so grateful to finally be feeling better. I have never been so sick for so long.

Miss anything?  Not coughing! The cough has been the worst part of this flu. I have a feeling I will be coughing for long time to come and my ribs are still so sore from it. I also miss food. For the last two weeks I have been selecting my food based on how easily it would come back up. Lots of soups and soft foods. I'm glad I have started getting my sense of taste back. It makes eating a lot more enjoyable.

Movement? Yes. Despite thinking that this flu is killing them (I know it's not), they haven't really slowed down. I think Cora has flipped a couple of times and I'm curious to see if she still breech. Last time I checked her heartbeat, she was.

Food cravings? Just craving to be able to taste and that is finally coming back. Still don't have a huge appetite and I'm trying to be careful of food making me feel sick or triggering my reflux. When I got my sense of taste back, I really wanted sparkling apple cider so I ran out and got some. Just that trip to the store took everything out of me.

Anything make you queasy or sick? Just being sick has made me queasy and sick. I haven't thrown up in 2 days so that is a win for everyone. Sam has gotten used to me throwing up now. He didn't like to see me throw up at first but now he always comes in the bathroom and scoots me to the side so he can spit in the toilet too. What a weirdo. I love him.

Labor signs? No. My doctor has had to reassure me that babies are very resilient and this flu is affecting me more than it's affecting them. I had to go to L&D and get fluids and supportive care and the babies looked great. They almost admitted me but I opted to stick it out at home and come back for more fluids if needed.

Gender?  My sweet girls. Cora Lynn and Elena Kate.

Symptoms? Reflux, rib pain, not sleeping, usual aches and pains. Oh the joys.

Happy or Moody? Moody. Having the flu for 2 weeks will do that to you. I had two legitimate melt downs about being sick. Sobs because of feeling like I will never be healthy again.

Looking forward to...? Finishing the nursery. It's cleaned out and almost done being painted. We still need to paint the crib and get a dresser and chair so we have a ways to go. People keep telling me not to worry about it getting done because babies don't really need their own space. True, but I'm not really wanting to worry about anything like that after they are born. I just want to focus on what is happening and snuggle my babies. Plus, their clothes and diapers are currently in bags and boxes on the floor. Not ideal.

Realization of the week? We are super close. 6-7 weeks left. Sounds like an eternity to a largely pregnant woman but it's not really that far. I'm hoping it's that long still. We are so not ready for them to come anytime soon. We have too much to do still.

Hopefully I will get around to taking a picture. My wardrobe has been pajama bottoms and over sized shirts and my hair needs some serious attention. Not really excited to get in front of a camera.

Update...I'm back...Again...

I've been a terrible blogger over the last months.  I blame it on the fact that I feel like if not talking about infertility, then I'm not being honest which is kind of dumb, I know.  I haven't wanted to talk about it.  I made a few goals for myself over the last several months and the most daunting one was to enjoy my life as is. I have a great life and I have never been able to deny that.  I am so blessed.  I get to spend everyday in a warm house that we can afford, I have enough food, I am married to the most handsome, funniest, smartest guy I have ever met, and we are still gag-me-with-a-spoon in love, etc.  But, I felt I was wasting moments that I should be enjoying more because of our childless state.  I have always known that some way or another, I would be a mom.  I tried to remind myself everyday to enjoy those childless moments that I have now.  Getting out of bed when I feel like it (it's 1:00pm and I haven't moved from it yet...don't judge, I worked four nights in a row), going to movies at the last minute, going anywhere at the last minute, having a somewhat clean and unbroken house, etc.  So, I made a goal to enjoy these moments more and not talking about infertility has really helped.  That is why I haven't blogged recently.  I'm back.  I fear that I did not have enough time to meet my goal fully because not long after I made it, this happened:

11.5 weeks
BABY HALL due SEPTEMBER 1, 2012

I guess "happened" is the wrong word.  This did not "happen" on it's own.  After the miscarriage, I was dying to try again.  I couldn't bear going through the holidays with nothing happening, even though I knew it could have potentially made our holidays a disaster.  We had one, just one, embryo on ice.  I was certain that it would fail. I felt like the FET was just a stepping stone to being able to do a fresh cycle (which the thought of nauseated me) and a chance for real success.

We told no one except for people at my work.  There was still a lot of appointments and I couldn't take care of certain infectious patients.  It's much easier to keep an FET a secret than a full fresh cycle.  We transferred on December 15th and the blood tests were on Dec. 23rd and Dec. 26th (my clinic does not tell you anything until after the second blood test).  The clinic was closed both days so I had to go somewhere else to get my blood drawn.  I went to my hospital, which of course allowed me to access my own medical records.  Michael and I had heated discussions about taking a home pregnancy test before Christmas or accessing the blood tests before Christmas.  I wanted to; he did not.  I felt like the anticipation was way worse than knowing, dealing, and having Christmas to cheer me up.  He felt the opposite.  He was afraid of a negative outcome ruining Christmas.  The few days leading to the blood test were full of distractions.  I had family here and it was full of holiday festivities.  I started to get excited because a part of me felt I was pregnant. I was starving every 3 hours and I was TIRED.  However, I was still a wreck before and after that first blood test. I was starting the think I was underestimating how devastated I would be with a negative test.  Michael and I never really came to an agreement about finding out the results.  I wasn't going to look or take a test because he felt so strongly about it, and he just assumed I was going to and was going to deal with it possibly ruining Christmas.  So, when the day came, he was a little irritated that I said I wasn't going to look or take a test because he had already wrapped his head around knowing that day.

I went to a quiet IHC lab, had my blood drawn and asked when "stat" results were posted to the medical record.  The phleb said 45 minutes.  Three hours later, after hitting refresh about a thousand times, a beautiful number of 103 came up on the screen.  I was pregnant.  I squealed, I cried, I called Michael.  He knew from
the sound of my voice.  I went to work, only to be told to go home and celebrate.  I had the best Christmas present ever.  I didn't need anything else.

The day after Christmas, I went to have my blood drawn again. I was nervous again.  This is the part that did not go so well for us last time.  I had a great number but it needed to double.  I was just going to wait until my clinic called but they called and said they hadn't seen the results yet.  I panicked and went online on my phone and there was a nice number next to the 103...460!  It had more than doubled.  I was so happy!  460 is quite a large number for 10 days post transfer.  I started wondering of embryos splitting and identical twins.  My clinic called and gave me the good news.  The NP asked if I cheated and I fessed-up.  She said she would have too. I had another blood draw 10 days after that and it only needed to be around 1200...it was 6325.  I got scheduled for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to "see how many are in there".  Just one.  A relief.

I have had four ultrasounds (the one of few beauties of infertility...heavy monitoring) and every ultrasound has looked perfect. I had my first OB appointment this week and baby is measuring ahead of schedule.  I have hesitated to publish this post.  Although I don't really believe in jinxes, it just all seems too good to be true. I am nearing the end of my first trimester (I am 12 weeks today) and it still doesn't seem real.  I will post about the pregnancy so far, later.  Michael and I were a mess before our first ultrasound because we never really got so far as to see a heartbeat last time.  I guess we keep expecting bad news which is horrible but it is very hard not to.  So far, no bad news...just amazing blessings, left and right.

Tag...

I've been tagged

My husband...

What is his name? Michael
How long have you been together? We re-met in January 2006
How long did you date? We got engaged April 3rd and married in November 3rd 2006:)
How old is he? 32!!! I always have to think about this one...
Who eats more? Probably me.  He is a snacker though.  I definitely eat faster!
Who said I love you first? ME!!!
Who is taller? him
Who sings better? I'm always singing but Michael has great voice, too!
Who is smarter? He always says I'm the smartest girl he knows but I think he's smarter than me.  He can figure things out that I never could. :)
Whose temper is worse? Mine. Hands down.
Who does the laundry? Especially in the last 2 years...him.  I have maybe done 4 loads over the past 24 months.  He's a keeper!
Who does the dishes? Usually me but there are times when he gets so sick of looking at them he will do them every now and then.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does but I sleep pretty dang close to him so kind both!
Who pays the bills? He does. The system he has is so smart but so complex that if he died, I would be in big trouble.  He can do a mean spreadsheet!
Who mows the lawn? HIM! I tried once to surprise him and he thought it was "cute" but told me I didn't have to do it again.
Who cooks dinner? Every once in a blue moon, me. Dinner in our house is a sad situation which I determine to turn around in 38 days!
Who drives when you are together? He does.
Who is more stubborn? Probably me.
Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? He is.
Whose parents do you see the most? His. They are a little closer than mine!

Who kissed who first? I'm going to say he kissed me but I think we both were going in for the kill!

Who asked who out? he asked me out, technically. His words were "do you not want to go home but not stay here?" (we were at his parents house) :)

Who proposed? he did
Who is more sensitive? He is, I think.
Who has more friends? If I had to choose, I would say he does.
Who has more siblings? We have the same, 3.
Who wears the pants in the family? We are on the same team so I would say we both fit into Jared of Subway's old pants together!

*I'm not sure I like how some this played out.  Baby, I promise, in 38 days I will do more laundry, cook us dinner's and try not to have such a temper.  Love you, babe!

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Negative...

Forgive me if this is all over the place.  I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down.  How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time?  I feel angry.  At who?  I don't know but I want someone or something to blame.  I'm definitely in denial.  I don't believe it yet.  I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work.  I do not accept it.  I keep searching for a way to make it right.  This was supposed to work, it had to work.  There was not a reason why it should not have.  I feel lost.  So, so lost.  This was our life for an entire year.  We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated.  We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement.  We saved up our money to have a baby.  I'm lost because I don't where to go from here.  What is next?  There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out.  I had plans, I was prepared for what was next.  I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news.  I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward.  I don't know where to go or what to do?  Somebody help me.  I feel like fool.  I feel foolish and like I've been tricked.  I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work.  That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless.  I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't.  I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic.  Should I not have been?  We were told we had no reason not be optimistic.  This was perfect.  Our embryos were perfect.  I'm healthy.  Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs.  Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary.  Why?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  What?  Have I not suffered enough?  I pleaded with God not to let this happen.  I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear.  They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.  Right now, I don't believe that.  I don't feel like I will survive this.  I feel like my body let me down.  I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens.  So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work.  I'm numb.  I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up.  I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out.  I'm not ready to deal with the real pain.  I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me.  Oh, Michael.  I wish I could take it all away from him.  I know he still feels responsible for all this.  He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me.  My heart has never hurt so bad.  Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew.  I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true.  I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment.  I didn't want him to feel responsible.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to say  sorry.  He does not.  Neither of us did but we both kept saying it.  I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning.  I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test.  Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight.  I couldn't look at it.  I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes.  Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone.  I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line.  I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no.  This cannot be happening!  This is not real.  It's just another dream.  A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week.  Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too.  Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins.  Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again.  I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative.  Not a hint of line.  We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test.  The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did.  Lots of people do.  We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out.  If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing.  Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other.  No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news.  I'm glad I am with him today.  I can't even be out of the same room as him right now.  I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked.  I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate.  I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different.  That almost never happens.  Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all.  I know in my heart I am not one of those people.  The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine.  I hate this.  I feel ill.  Deep down I feel like I knew this.  It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason.  I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown.  I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around.  I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart.  We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for.  I never did.  I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer.  I knew what it meant.  I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative?  I want to go back there.  I want to go back to having that hope again.  It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth.  I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved.  It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line.  We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix.  This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative.  This is devastation defined.  How can a heart so broken still be beating?  The human body really is amazing.  I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now.  Where do we go from here? I don't know.  On vacation?  Do we try again now?  Do we try again at all?  Do we learn to live childless?  I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle.  How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again?  This was supposed to be perfect.  My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby).  I feel like I lost a life.  Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents.  We were ready, we are ready.  I don't know what this life is.  This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us.  I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to.  I guess I could go on and on.  I'm feeling too much.  Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless.  I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is.  I'm broken and I need to be fixed.  Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant.  It would not be what I was expecting to hear.  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
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It's now 2pm.  We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process.  They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate.  They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative.  I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer.  We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news.  No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say.  All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us.  I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.

Still Just Waiting...

If I ever had doubts about being so public and forthcoming with our infertility, they have been put to rest these past few days.  I am overwhelmed by the prayers and support of family, friends, acquaintances, and honestly, people I barely know or don't know at all.  When I was on bed rest, I felt great.  I was glowing.  I woke-up every morning hopeful and full of the knowledge that I was a little "pregnant".  Since getting back to life and my routine, something has changed.  I am trying so hard to stay positive and stay faithful but honestly, I'm terrified right now.  I hate that I wake-up every morning with the thought that it might be all over.  I cry several times a day, maybe for a good reason, maybe not.  One minute I know I'm pregnant, the next, I'm asking myself why this didn't work.  And, the only thing that keeps me going is Michael and the fact the so many people, near and far, are rooting for us.  I have been moved to tears (not hard to do right now) with the outpouring of prayers, encouragement, and support that we have received.  Some of my favorites...I hope they don't mind me sharing:


Dear Danielle
Just a quick not to let you know how much I have been praying for you the last few months. I woke up early this morning and began my fast and began to pray - as I was praying, I was overcome with the thought that not only was I praying for you and Michael, I was actually praying for a little life. That was huge....and brings it tears to my eyes. Please know how much I am touched by your faith and your determination. I have watched you grow up into this intelligent, beautiful and precious young woman. I know there are beautiful blessings in store for you and I count it an honor to be praying for you, Michael & YOUR little one.

Much love

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A list of my wishes

1.) My wish, for her, is comfort and peace. She is so brave. Far braver that I could ever be. She has faced something so difficult. Selfishly, I don't think I could have done it... and yet, she did it... does it selflessly. I cannot give her assurance. I wish, though, for her to find comfort and for her to find peace, somewhere, in this scary time of "What If".

2.) My wish, for him, is to know. To know how much I love him. To know how much I value his friendship. To know that shooting zombies is one of the best memories I have. To know that my life is a better place with him in it. To know that I admire him for the husband he is and the father he will be. To know that my heart breaks every time his does. To know that he is one of the greatest men I know... and one of the best frieds I have.

3.) My wish, for them, is happiness. They have earned it. They deserve it. And, I want it for them so bad. If I could do anything to help I would. I hope they know that.

~In the book that is my memory, on the page that begins the chapter of the day I met you [both], appear the words 'Here begins a new life.'

xoxoxox ~ I love you both!!!!

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I love it when people tell me this is going to work.  I know they don't really know it will but I believe them with all my heart and that is all I have right now.  It fuels my good moments.  Right now, I believe this will work.  I am too scared to take any more pregnancy tests (I took a couple to see if the trigger was out of my system...it is).  I have seen far too many single lines in the last couple years to want to even go near them again.  


I have faith in my Heavenly Father (whom I speak with many times a day) that he will bless us.  We have become so close and I know he hears my prayers.  I have promised to take good care of the child He sends us, His child.  I ache for the opportunity.  For now, I'm still waiting.

Snowbabies...

I awoke yesterday morning to find two missed calls from the embryologist!  Aaaahhh!  I hurried and told Michael to come upstairs while I called him back.  He quickly gave me the news that out of the 3, two of them didn't make it and the one that was left made it to the blast stage but was very poor quality.  He gave us the option to freeze it but said that if it survived the thaw, there is only a 5% chance it would result in a pregnancy.  He was obviously trying to emphasize the fact that freezing it would not be his recommendation.  We asked if we could call him back but we knew the clock was ticking.  We talked about all the different reasons to freeze or not to freeze and made a decision and said a quick prayer.  We decided not to freeze it.  We would rather put the $3500 and the hope toward a fresh cycle, in which we have a 70% chance of a pregnancy.  We are kind of sad and had lots of hope for something to freeze, until the day of the transfer...I knew that the likelihood of having any to freeze was slim.  I am still confident we won't need the frozen embies this time but it would have been nice.

Except for going to the bathroom, I have been laying down the last couple of days.  I just lay here, willing these babies to snuggle in tight.  I feel so close to Michael and I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work, but I won't be able to bear facing him.  I want this more for him than I do for myself.  I can handle my own pain but I have a really hard time watching people I love suffer.  I don't think this will happen but moments of terror enter my mind once in a while.  Not very many women get to experience this exact part of pregnancy.  Some can suspect at this point, that they have something growing inside them but I know they are there and it makes me ferociously protective of them.  I'm already rubbing my belly, talking to them and telling them how much I want them.  I'll just be praying as I relax the next few days and hopefully I can get back to life, to keep my mind off all the possibilities.

Retrieval...

Woke-up very early this morning and got ready to head to the clinic. We arrived 10 mins early which I was happy about because we are not exactly always on time for things.  Michael started to feel sick because he took his antibiotic on an empty stomach (silly boy) and they were very nice and made him oatmeal. They took me back to change and start my IV.

Michael was not allowed to come in with me which surprised me because we were told by my friend her hubby was there the whole time.  He was able to be with me when I woke-up though. They had to give me more medicine at first because I could feel everything.  I knew they would because every time I have that kind of anesthesia, it's never enough.  It really hurt.

Now, about my follies. I started to cry when I woke-up because the first thing I asked Michael was how many eggs were retrieved. He told me 9. NINE? I thought he was joking. I had 22 follicles! I had to ask him several times if he was not joking. The nurse came back in because my blood pressure was up due to being so upset. She told me I should not be upset because their average number of eggs retrieved is 6. The RE was not going to come back in but the nurse said she's have her come talk to me since I was so upset. I just had no idea what could have happened when I had 22 good sized follies?  I certainly wasn't prepared for the possibility of having no eggs in the follicles.

The RE came in a was little surprised I was upset because she was very pleased with the results.  I asked what happened to all the other eggs when I had so many follies. She said that a lot of the time the bigger ones will start to deteriorate when the smaller ones catch-up.  I implied that maybe it was mistake to go the extra day and she said that if we retrieved the day before I probably would have more eggs but they would not have been mature.  Quality over quantity in this case.  I gave her examples of my two friends who had over 20 eggs retrieved and one ended up with two great embies to transfer and 16 frozen embies and the other ended with nothing to freeze and two, not so great embies to transfer. Both got pregnant but both very different. She said I was probably somewhere in the middle of them and reassured me that my chances of getting pregnant are still the same today as they were this morning, yesterday, and the day before. She guessed that with my E2 level, there was a good chance that they would all be mature and still had a good chance there would be a few to freeze...just a guess though.

I still have no idea what happened even after she explained everything to me. I had NO idea that having no eggs in the follies was possible. I expected to have the 22 eggs and be told on Monday that only a percentage were mature and a percentage of those fertilized normally. I just feel blindsided and I'm kind of sad.  I won't know anything about anything until Monday and the worst part of this whole process begins....waiting.


58 needles...stared Progesterone today.  

This is what's going on right now with our eggs.  That needle is the 1/10 the size of a human hair.

Day 12: Stims, Ultrasound, Trigger...Oh, My!...

So, yesterday we went for my ultrasound and oh, boy...did I grow!  I still have 22 follies but 14 of them were over 17mm, 4 of them were 15-16mm, and 4 were 11-14mm.  That is crazy growth from the day before.  My doctor said she was going to wait until my E2 levels came back but she was positive the trigger was going to be that night.  My E2 levels came back at 2888 which is beyond perfect (it should double every 48 hours) and the nurse gave me instructions to trigger last night!  She said I was going to trigger at exactly 8pm and that I was to have nothing to eat after midnight on Friday.  I am also to start the antibiotic Friday night and Michael should take his last on Saturday morning.  My retrieval is set for Saturday morning at 8am and we need to show up at 7:30am.  I will be given an IV and sign paperwork and Michael will umm...do his business.  We are out of our minds excited today.  Work has been pretty tough for Michael lately and he called me on his way home, after I told him we were trigger last night, and his voice was so different.  He was still tired but I could tell he was so happy that this is actually happening.


We got everything ready for the trigger shot and just waited until the clock said 8pm exactly.  I was so nervous.  Michael has never given a shot like that before and it is not fun to think about a gigantic needle being shoved into your hip.  I, personally, hate giving those kinds of shots because I am always afraid I'm going to hit bone even though that is very difficult to do, but still...I was not excited even knowing I knew that anticipation was much worse than it was actually going to be.  He counted to three and it was over.  The HcG stung a little going in but it was not bad at all and I barely felt the needle.  I have been told that it gets worse though.  I start taking Progesterone the day of the retrieval and you eventually run out of places on your hip that are not sore after a couple weeks.

I feel like everything is falling into place.  We have all confidence in our doctors but this last week, we questioned whether they maybe have been too conservative with me since I am, as they say, still so "young".  We have said, "do they really know what they are doing?"  Well, they absolutely know what they are doing.  Going an extra day made me nervous because I felt like that was "not normal" but it was 100% the right decision.  I've got so much potential with these eggs and I am even starting to think that we might have a few good ones to freeze.  We just want to get one healthy baby but having embies to freeze would be gravy.
We are just excited that it is actually to this point in the process.  We get a call tomorrow letting us know how many eggs were retrieved, how many were mature, and how many fertilized and then it's just a waiting game with daily updates about how our embies are developing.  Oh, gosh...I'm getting anxious.  Prayers are welcome.

56 needles...

Day 10: Stims, U/S, No Trigger...

Day 10...I can't believe it! Yesterday's appointment was weird. I wasn't paying attention to the growth I had over the past day and left feeling very confused. I felt like I hadn't made any progress and that it was going to be forever until I was ready for retrieval. They had me order another days worth of meds (a precautionary $230) but when I went home to dose myself for the day I realized I had enough on one med to last me through Thursday. The injection pens have over-fill in them so I got a free dose and didn't have to pay for all of the meds. Pheww! I called the nurse to tell her this and also asked her to go over the numbers with since I left feeling confused. I actually had quite a growth spurt. I had 8 follicles over the 16mm range, 6 over the 11mm range, and 6 under 10mm.


Today.

I have 10 in the 16mm-22mm range, 6 in the 11mm-15mm range, and 6 still under 10mm. My RE said I had a 75% chance of triggering tonight but wanted to wait until the my E2 (estradiol, a form of estrogen) levels came back. My E2 level came back at 1800 which is good but the nurse said the doctor thinks I still have room to grow. I'm fine with that. One more day of growth is one more day of growth. She didn't have me order more meds so most likely my retrieval will be Saturday morning. This is good, I will not have to miss school or work next week since the transfer will be on Thursday instead of Wednesday. I go back again tomorrow morning for more blood work and another lovely ultrasound. I feel so bad for Michael. I've spent a week in his shoes having to drive the 30 miles to the U every morning and it totally blows. The traffic is horrible and the rising sun is blinding and it is SO early! I made our appointment for tomorrow a little later (8:30am instead of 7:45am) but Michael said with the time difference, the traffic is even worse so we will basically have to leave at the same time. Ugh.

Ahhhh! I'm getting super nervous. I hope my ovaries kick it into high gear!


Caution: Science ahead...ignore the information below if you don't care why the estrogen levels are so important.


Estradiol is a hormone that stimulates the lining of the uterus, causing the lining to grow, and to make itself ready for embryo arrival. (This is not estradiol's only function, but for us, it's the important one). Estradiol is tied into pregnancy by it's method of production: oocytes (eggs) contain follicles. These developing follicles contain 'granulosa cells'. These granulosa cells synthesize the estradiol and release it into the blood circulation.


 This means that more follicles produce more estradiol. This helps measure how many follicles are actively developing. The longer they continue to develop, the longer the estradiol level continues. As they develop, the level continues to rise. This rise can further indicate that the oocyte within the follicles is reaching its maturity.


 An example of the use of estradiol level is when it is measured during down-regulation cycles. In down-regulation we expect low levels of estradiol: below 30pg/ml. If levels are not this low, this suggests that the ovaries are not yet suppressed, and that the down-regulation should continue a little longer, until they actually are suppressed.


 Estradiol And Ultrasound Scans
Blood estradiol is also used in combination with ultrasound scans. Taken together they help indicate how (and if) the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Is there a response? Is it adequate? Is it excessive? To tell us this, the blood level has to be viewed in relation to the stage of pregnancy and the day in the cycle in which the level is being taken.

 For example, a level of 1500 pg/ml on day eleven might be considered acceptable in a stimulated cycle, as reflecting the presence of a reasonable number of mature follicles. However, if this level were present on day eight, it would be considered unacceptably high. It would almost certainly reflect the presence of an excess of follicles. At this stage (day eight) they would still be Immature ones. Their quantity, however, would suggest that continued stimulation would carry an unacceptable risk of developing OHSS-- ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.

 Don't Expect Easy Comparison
Before we continue, one important point: levels of estradiol are not the same from person to person. They cannot simply be compared from one to another. People vary-- everyone is slightly different, and everyone responds to a different degree. Some more so than others. A level that is dangerously high in one person-- or dangerously low in a second-- might be normal and healthy for a third. This is why blood levels can't just simply be compared. It's also why blood levels can't always be interpreted with complete certainty in the first cycles. Without prior cycles to 'calibrate' the levels, the meaning of a level can only be determined as to what it usually means-- what it 'probably', or perhaps even 'almost certainly' means.

 Despite individual variation, estradiol level does provide very useful information.
 A Rough Rule-of-Thumb for Good Estradiol Levels.
Exact figures are not possible. As a rough guide, however, a level in the range of 150 to 500 pg/ml is generally considered reasonable for the eighth day of a stimulated cycle. An approximate doubling of this level every 48 hours is considered promising, as a sign of continued good follicle development.


48 needles! My belly gets a rest in a couple of days and then the butt gets all the abuse!

Day 3: Stims

24 needles down...approximately 21 more to go until retrieval and about 100 more after that...hopefully.  I feel very good today.  Still very aware of the egg machines but not nearly as uncomfortable as Monday.  My belly is really sore today.  I accidentally bumped it at work and oh, man!  That nasty Repronex is a killer!  The days are dragging because I count the hours until I can give myself the next shots.  Hopefully, a week from now I will have already been given my trigger shot (Hcg) and I will be done with the belly shots.  Michael and I can't stop asking eachother if the other can believe we are actually here.  It still seems so surreal that we are to the point of injections and less than 10 days away from the harvest!

On a non-IVF note...I started school again today.  My hormones are a little out whack these days and I teared up while watching an orientation video of Primary Children's Medical Center that was made in the early 90's.  I'm afraid OB will have some stiff competition because I think I'm going to love Peds.  I'm not so psyched for Psych (haha..get it?).  I'm going to have to use what brain power I have these days and refocus my attention on school.  I haven't wrapped my head around the fact that I'm back in it for 16 weeks of tests and clinicals and studying all the time.  I'm glad the IVF hoopla will be over in just a couple of weeks so I can be less consumed by what my ovaries are doing and more with what the kiddos and the crazies are doing.  I am quite excited to get another semester under my belt.  I have a feeling it will fly by.  Fall semester always does with holidays approaching and all.  By then I will have only two semesters left and be half-way through  my pregnancy...now that's crazy!

FOR MY OFFICIAL RECORDS, IT'S ACTUALLY DAY 32.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I STARTED NUMBERING THE STIMS AS DAY 1.  OH, WELL.

Day 1: Stims

We are to 3 shots a day now!  Woohoo!  I am actually excited!  I woke-up and Michael was still here so he got do my shots with me.  He even mixed one of the meds because I was having trouble drawing it up.  I was using the wrong needle!  There are over 80 needles so it's all little confusing still.  I saved the Repronex shot for last because everyone says it awful but it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.  It did sting when it went in and ached for a while after.  Not too bad...yet.  Michael reminded me it was only the first one and to give it time...thanks, baby.

Side Effects.


Oh, man.  I want to preface by saying that this all totally worth it and I'm loving the drama of it all...really.  I wasn't expecting any side effects from the Lupron and truthfully, if I wasn't paying attention, I would probably not even noticed them or chalk them up to something else.  The biggest one, I'm not sleeping!  I have NEVER in my life had trouble sleeping.  Anyone that knows me real well knows I can sleep anywhere, anytime and it takes a lot to rouse me.  I have not had trouble falling asleep but I wake-up on average 10 times a night.  I took an anti-nausea pill the other night that is supposed to knock you out...I only woke-up twice (and I slept in until 9:30a).  I woke-up a few mornings ago with more than a few lovely red spots all over my face...another glamorous side effect.

The hot flashes, oh my!  I will be fine one minute and next I can feel sweat streaming from every pore in my armpits...I know, gross.  Michael thinks I'm being dramatic (how do you stick out your tongue on a blog?).  It really is all not that bad.  The sleeping thing is bothering my though.  People tell me it's just preparing me for motherhood.  No, thanks!  I am fully aware that my nights of good sleep are numbered and I am supposed be enjoying every good night sleep I can have.  I'm going to call and ask about a sleep aid.  I'm generally against it but I have GOT to do something.  Last night I woke-up 7 times.  Ughh!

And all of this was just with the Lupron!  I am expecting some side effects with the stims (stimulation medications), but I was surprised by the Lupron.  On stims, the ovaries literally grow to the size of grapefruits so you can imagine how uncomfortable one can get.  One being me.  It's been a couple of hours since the shots and I don't know if it's in my head but I think I can actually feel my ovaries now.  I asked my friend, Karen about it and she said she could feel hers all the time, so maybe it's not in my head.  Starting today, I am not allowed caffeine (sniff,sniff), only mild exercise (no twisting, no heavy lifting, no crunches, heart rate not to go above 140bpm, nothing that targets the belly area), basically nothing you would do if you were already pregnant.  I have my first ultrasound on Saturday to see how the follicles are developing.  I'm just crossing my fingers that things go well and that I don't under or overstimulate.  Michael's little problem is taken care of the day of retrieval so everything is kind of up to me now.  No, I don't have any prior known issues but the doctors have no idea how I will respond to the medication.  It's a very delicate process.  Literally, we are putting all my eggs in one basket!

A visual of how big the ovaries can get.  No wonder I can already feel them!

Big Box o' Meds

That is 101 needles, people (I won't have to use them all, though). 18 down!