Snowbabies...

I awoke yesterday morning to find two missed calls from the embryologist!  Aaaahhh!  I hurried and told Michael to come upstairs while I called him back.  He quickly gave me the news that out of the 3, two of them didn't make it and the one that was left made it to the blast stage but was very poor quality.  He gave us the option to freeze it but said that if it survived the thaw, there is only a 5% chance it would result in a pregnancy.  He was obviously trying to emphasize the fact that freezing it would not be his recommendation.  We asked if we could call him back but we knew the clock was ticking.  We talked about all the different reasons to freeze or not to freeze and made a decision and said a quick prayer.  We decided not to freeze it.  We would rather put the $3500 and the hope toward a fresh cycle, in which we have a 70% chance of a pregnancy.  We are kind of sad and had lots of hope for something to freeze, until the day of the transfer...I knew that the likelihood of having any to freeze was slim.  I am still confident we won't need the frozen embies this time but it would have been nice.

Except for going to the bathroom, I have been laying down the last couple of days.  I just lay here, willing these babies to snuggle in tight.  I feel so close to Michael and I know I will be devastated if this doesn't work, but I won't be able to bear facing him.  I want this more for him than I do for myself.  I can handle my own pain but I have a really hard time watching people I love suffer.  I don't think this will happen but moments of terror enter my mind once in a while.  Not very many women get to experience this exact part of pregnancy.  Some can suspect at this point, that they have something growing inside them but I know they are there and it makes me ferociously protective of them.  I'm already rubbing my belly, talking to them and telling them how much I want them.  I'll just be praying as I relax the next few days and hopefully I can get back to life, to keep my mind off all the possibilities.

Not-So-Wordless-Wednesday...

I have been wanting to post an update all day but I had school in the morning, ripping my fingernails off in the afternoon, and then work this evening.  Oh!  I was ripping my fingernails off (it's okay, they were too long anyway) because I was waiting for the embryologist to call me this morning, which ended up not being in the morning, it was afternoon by the time he called.  I couldn't concentrate in class, I was staring at my phone, willing it to ring.  I have been in few situations in my life where nothing matters but that phone call and really, it should be a form of torture.  Then, it finally rings or you get a text and it's someone else (memo: I will call you Mom when I have news), baaaah!

Michael and I placed bets on how many embies we thought made it through the last couple of days.  Neither of us thought it would be more than four and we would be nervous but fine with that.  Well, all 6 are still "dividing beautifully"!  They are all 8-cells which is right where they should be.  What?!  I was so happy.  I'm praying tomorrow that they are all blastocysts (very important) and hatching out of their shells.  Yes, they actually have to hatch before they can implant.  The embryologist gave me instructions to arrive tomorrow at 9:30am and the RE will go over the procedure (they thread a catheter containing the best two embies through my cervix and place it 2cm from the fundus of my uterus), the grading of the embies (important for choosing the best two), and what to do after (stay in bed!).  The best part about tomorrow, other than the fact I get my embabies put back in me...Valium!  Finally, something forcing me to relax!  I have to say I am quite proud of myself for being so calm up to this point.  I thought I would be clinical by now.  I was anxious this morning before getting the phone call but I am fine now.  I know my demeanor is because of all the prayers.  It's definitely not in my nature to be calm about most things (I'm my mother's daughter after all...just kidding mom!).  I tend to freak out about things that have not happened yet.

I'm hoping that I've developed nerves of steel in the last couple of weeks because the next few weeks, until we find out if I really am pregnant, are going to be the hardest, most agonizing weeks of my life.  There is too much damage that can be done with a girl, her embies, and her brain.  Too many thoughts.  No, no, only positive thoughts here.  I can wait until I'm PUPO (more on that....stay tuned)!

A hatching blastocyst

After tomorrow, this is what I will be imagining my little embies doing.  Implantation.