Birth Story Part 3...

I have had the last part of this entry on my mind for a while. I just haven't mentally been able to sit down and write it out. It's very emotional and I haven't had the time to sit and "go there". But, the girls' birthday is this week and I HAVE to get this down before then. How has it been a year?...

We made it to my maternity room and I was exhausted and elated at the same time. It was about 5am and I had been up all night. I was anxious for them to bring Cora back. Michael was still with Elena and some of our family came with me to the room. I did all the usual post-delivery rituals and just hung out, waiting for them to bring Cora back. Every moment without her made me more anxious because I knew that time was ticking. I was very aware of the clock for the next 22 hours because I knew that's when we had to give her up. Michael returned, wondering where Cora was and they wheeled her in shortly after. She was clean and dressed in cute p.j.s that matched what Elena would have been wearing at that time. Gosh, I was so bummed that Elena was not with us. I had so much anxiety anticipating exactly how that day would go and how I would be able to juggle the different emotions and demands of a baby that was only hours old. So many things ended up being out of ours hands and decided for us which was a silver lining. My only regret is that I didn't get to hold them together very much. I held them for a moment on my chest after delivery, then briefly for pictures later (which honestly, I barely remember). Elena being in the NICU was really hard but it allowed us to soak everything up with Cora.

Our family took turns holding Cora. My sweet sister and brother in law stayed through the night just to be there and have the opportunity to hold Cora. They had school so they didn't know if they would get the chance later. I'm hoping Michael can fill in the gaps between this time and the evening because I honestly don't remember a whole lot. I finally ate food and family left to take naps for a bit and returned later in the afternoon. Some one from NILMDTS was able to come around 11am and our dear friends who were watching Sam brought him to the hospital to meet his sisters and take pictures. We changed Cora and left for the NICU. As we were walking down the hall with Cora, my eye met with the Charge Nurse and I knew immediately what she was thinking. She stopped us and started to tell us we could not carry our baby around in the halls in our arms. As a maternity nurse, I felt weird anyway, like I was breaking the rules. The CNA quickly stopped her and simply said, "this is room 8, it's okay". The Charge Nurse apologized and we went on our way.

The NICU staff was amazing! We entered the NICU with Cora and Sam which is breaking so many rules. The photographer snapped a few pictures of Cora by herself as Elena's RN wheeled her into a private family room. This was no easy task. It was her entire bed with IV fluids, pumps, O2 tanks. I personally know how much work that is and I am so grateful. At one point a nurse came out and saw Sam and started to throw a fit that he was in the NICU. Elena's nurse professionally told her off! Haha! She told her it was fine and to worry about her own patients. We were able to dress Elena and Cora in coordinating outfits and get pictures of the two of them. Elena was just laying there with her eyes closed and as soon as we laid Cora by her, she turned her head and snuggled right up to her. I will never forget how my heart broke and rejoiced, all at the same time. I so wanted them to be able to snuggle with each other forever. We then snapped some pictures of the girls with Sam and then as our family of five. To be honest, I still haven't looked at those pictures aside from the one of the two girls together. I can't really say why. Maybe I will get them out soon and look at them. They informed us Elena was moving to another room which was good because it meant she was more stable. I still had no idea how long Elena would be in the NICU but I knew she would not be coming to our room any time soon.

Sisters together again

Elena in NICU

Sam meeting his sister for the first and last time

We made it back to our room with Cora and Sam and family. My friend, Sharon came to see Cora before she had to go to work and I literally fell asleep mid sentence talking to her. I still feel bad about that! That was first I had slept in over 24 hours. When I woke up, family and friends had come and were taking turns holding our sweet girl. Michael took turns with people, walking them down to the NICU to see Elena.

The evening was approaching and I started to get antsy. I felt like I hadn't held Cora in far too long and asked for her. My parents left and a few family members lingered. I was starting to crave time alone with her as I felt the emotions starting to choke me. I broke down and family left. It was just the three of us for the rest of the night. We took turns holding her, snuggling her, taking pictures. I wanted to do as much as I could for her in the little time we had. We changed her into her blessing dress that Grandma Hall made for her and Michael gave her a blessing. It was sweet and I know she was there to hear it. She was leaking fluid out of her nose and I loved taking a tissue and cleaning her up. It made me feel like I was taking care of her.

I wish I could give more details about how spiritual and precious those last hours were. We talked to her, told her how much we loved her, sang to her, I held her on my chest. Michael took a nap with her just like he would do if we were home. The veil was so thin and we knew our daughter lived.

The physical changes of a still born are very fast and I was panicking inside, debating whether to have her taken early. We were really hoping for an open casket but we knew the longer we had her, the less likely that would be possible. I'm so grateful for my nurse and CNA that night. They could tell I was distraught, toying with idea of sending her early. They advised us that it didn't matter if her casket was open. This time was for us and it's all we will have of her, physically. Plus, we had beautiful pictures of her to display. We kept her for as long as they would let us. The hours passed and we made memories. We even recorded our last moments with her. I don't know if I could ever bring myself to actually watch it but I'm glad we have it. We cried and told her we would do our very best to be with her again and that we hope she's proud of us. We told to her to watch over our family and stay close. It was almost 2am, the time we had to give her up. We undressed her and wrapped her in blankets and called the nurse to come get her. That was hardest moment of my life. Knowing I would never see her like this again. I tried so hard to memorize the way she felt in my arms and sadly, it fades. That is what I am missing the most right now. I just want to hold her one more time and kiss her sweet, little hands.

The nurses came in and very tenderly carried her out of the room. Michael and I held each other. I was prepared to be hysterical but once again, I was comforted by the Spirit. It literally felt like Michael and I were being held by several people. Sadly and wonderfully, we could literally feel the spirit in the room change. She left with her body. It was sad but I told her to go be with her sister and get her home to us. Oh, how I love that courageous girl.

It was terrible to be in our room...alone. No babies. We had two babies and neither were with us. We walked down and said good night to Elena and came back to our room and went to sleep. I was a good girl and set my alarm to pump every three hours. We woke up the next morning feeling depleted both physically and spiritually. We were exhausted. I went to the bathroom and was horrified when I looked in the mirror. I have never cried so much in my life and my eyes were so swollen! I literally looked like I had been punched in the eyes several times. I didn't know eyes could do that and I was afraid I did some permanent damage!

Our little NICU darling

We spent the day going back and forth from the NICU. We tried to get an idea of what was wrong with Elena and when we would get to bring her home. We found out that day that she would not be coming home any time soon. She would be on antibiotics for seven days and she had to wean off her CPAP. She officially had pneumonia. We were devastated that she wouldn't be able to be at her sister's funeral. But, once again, that was a blessing in disguise as well. Elena being cared for in the NICU was really hard but she was just that...cared for...which allowed us to focus on saying goodbye to Cora.

We had more family visiting us and Elena and we made plans for Cora's funeral. We had the option to go home or stay another night. If Elena had been with us, we definitely would have opted to go home but since she was still in the NICU, we stayed. We were missing our Sammy boy terribly at this point but we knew he was having fun and was cared for. The mortuary was coming to get Cora. We had the option to see Cora one last time and I know many people would have done anything to have that opportunity but we chose not to. Saying goodbye once was the sweetest and hardest thing to do, we just didn't think we could do it again.

Once again, the night came and it was hard. The room was silent and it's just not right when you've had a baby. My arms were aching for a baby to hold. We awoke the next morning and got the room together and then spent time with Elena. We kissed her goodbye and told her we would see her that evening. Oh my, leaving that hospital with no baby was awful! We came home to our Sammy and couldn't stop hugging and kissing him. It felt like we hadn't seen him for a month even though it had only been few days. He seemed to grow-up over night! He no longer looked liked a baby. He looked liked a kindergartner!

"I'm a big brother and I grew-up over night!"

I woke-up every three hours to pump and it was terrible. This was beginning of my hatred for pumping. I missed my babies...both of them. We spent the next few days preparing for Cora's funeral. Honestly, I wanted it done and over with. Making the arrangements was exhausting and I was stressing hard, trying to figure out what I was going to say. Every time I sat down to write out the words, they didn't come. Michael said he didn't want the funeral to come because it was the last thing we would do for her. I understood but I really wanted it over. We had so much help from family, friends, and our ward. Everyone was beyond amazing! I could never do enough to say thank you.

The day before the funeral, April 2nd, we were able to dress Cora for her burial. Our dear friend and photographer came and took pictures. It was a sweet time with her. Physically, she had changed a lot. They were not able to preserve her like we were hoping. I'm glad we have such beautiful pictures of her. It was sweet and spiritual. She looked beautiful in the dress her Grandma made and the casket was beautiful, made by my sister in law. Of course, we were up late trying to write the words we would say the next day. I was pumping and typing at the same time. I don't remember writing half of what I did and it turned out beautifully. Another tender mercy.

We woke up the next day, April 3rd, which happened to be anniversary of the day Michael proposed to me, eight years before. She was ready to be laid to rest...