Sad news...

Our worst fears were confirmed yesterday.  We went in to have the ultrasound and thank goodness it was with the RE. I swear I knew more last week than the NP did.  He found the sac right away and said he was sorry.  It's no longer perfectly round and the baby is still measuring way too small for 8 weeks.  When sacs are not round, it's not healthy and last week I even asked about the irregular shape and if it was normal (which I knew it wasn't) and she just said "it can be".

At first, we were mostly relieved.  Relieved to finally have an answer to our question for 4 weeks.  This limbo thing has been excruciating.  It's unfortunate that I am actually pregnant for the first time and haven't been able to enjoy one moment.  I am not sick which I have predicted for a long time that I would be one of lucky ones.  I am overly tired which has been great since I have an excuse to go to bed early and catch up on all of the sleep I have been lacking for years.  And, I have been able to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself!

The weirdest part of this?  I haven't really cried yet.  I don't know why.  Maybe I have no tears left?  Is that possible?  It's a little unnerving. I just keep waiting for the big meltdown. I had a cute, older patient last night that has 8 children and asked me at the end of my shift if I had any kids.  I told him, "no, not yet".  He shook his finger at me and told me I should not wait any longer.  He went on to tell me he hasn't done much with life.  He hasn't traveled much, never went to graduate school, his career isn't much to boast but he has 8 great kids that are the joy of his life.  I was actually honest with him and told him the truth.  Maybe it was TMI and too much much for a patient/nurse relationship but I hate when people judge me when I tell that we don't have children yet.  They assume I am too career oriented or we simply can't be bothered right now.  He took my hand and said he was so sorry and that Lord knows me and he will not forget my righteous desire.  This all should have set me off but it didn't.  I don't like it.  I want to cry.  I feel like my composure means I don't care.

Where does this leave us in the world of infertility (a place I would desperately like to leave!)?  I don't know. I just know I have to get through what is to come.  The pain of watching my friends have their babies.  The pain of important dates passing us by once again.  Not finding out on Christmas if we are having a boy or girl. Yet another Mother's Day gone. It's all too familiar.

I have to thank our amazing families, our friends, and everybody else that have been so supportive and offered their prayers. We feel so uplifted. Maybe that's why I can't cry? I know nothing else is more important than to have a family that loves you. We are so blessed.  Our ward has been great, strangers have been great.  We couldn't ask for better people to surround us.

Michael Hall, I love you.  I can't imagine going through this with anyone but you.  You are my best friend and I desperately love you.

I don't know what to title this...

I've been wanting to post for quite sometime now but I just haven't had a lot of time or energy. This is what I have been up to:

August 5th: I graduated!!  This was the best day in August.  I finally am done.  I have my diploma and I never have to go to school again if I don't want to (which I will cause I do!)

August 25th: I got a job!  I am working at Intermountain Medical Center on the Neuromedical Unit.  I have been there for 3 weeks now and I am loving it.  It's a HUGE adjustment and I have A LOT to learn but I will get there.  Night shift might just kill me.

September 12th: I passed my boards!  The NCLEX was the hardest test I have ever taken.  Finding out I passed was completely full of drama.  I went to look on DOPL to see if my license was posted with the rest of my classmates that took it that day and to my surprise, my name wasn't there.  I had a complete meltdown, called Michael who was out of town at midnight and told him I had failed.  I was a wreck.  I didn't know how I was ever going to pass this test since it was already so hard. I quickly pulled out my credit card and paid the $8 to get official results and to my surprise again, I passed!  I called DOPL in the morning and she apologized for the mistake.  My file wasn't put in the right place or something.  It was fun going to work the next day and actually being able to sign my name with "RN".

September 1st:  I found out I am pregnant.  I feel robbed because I have not been able to make the announcement to anyone with glee or joy.  We did our second round of IVF in the middle of August and felt really optimistic about this one.  The timing felt right and we felt such peace about the whole thing.  We got the call on September 1st and the nurse told us that the blood test came back positive.  For one split second we were on the moon.  In her next breath she said that the numbers didn't look good and that I needed to be retested and it's been agony ever since.  My numbers continued to climb very slowly until the fourth blood test they shot up to exactly where they needed to be!  We were so relieved and got on our knees and thanked our Heavenly Father for the miracle we had been praying for.  Out next blood test was beautiful as well.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw a pretty little sack and possibly a fetal pole but it was still very early.  We finally felt good about this pregnancy and was able to start getting excited.  Then, a few hours later, they called and said my numbers were crappy again.  That was last week.  I went back yesterday, expecting to see a heartbeat and there was no growth in a week.  I got no information out of them except to stay on my meds and come back in a week for another ultrasound since I have have no signs on miscarriage.  I have been a complete mess for 3 weeks.  I woke-up this morning and didn't even recognize my life.  I can't do this.  I can't.  I said that last time but I really can't do this.  I specifically prayed for this not to happen.  I asked Him if I was going to get pregnant to please let me stay pregnant or have it not work at all.  We were so prepared for this round of IVF to not work at all but we were not in any way prepared for this.  I can't sleep, I still feel pregnant but I think my baby may have stopped growing.  I am devastated beyond belief and I can't seem to make any sense of my life right now.  I am so sick of being this sad person that just wants a baby.

I was blessed with the understanding, very quickly, of why the last cycle didn't work and I ended up being very grateful for it.  I don't understand this at all.  I don't know what I am supposed to learn from all this?  I know I am supposed to have faith in the journey, keep my head up, don't give up, never lose hope, keep my faith in His plan, etc. but oh my gosh, I need to be sad.  I need to be angry.  I am so blessed in my life and I nothing will change that, not even this.  But, I am so mad.  I am not strong enough for this.  I know one day it will all be okay and even know that one day we will have our own children.  It's the in between that I dread because I know the pain that is to come.  I am still pregnant...for now.  I can't even imagine what it will be like when I am really not.  I am completely devastated once again.  I hate this.  I hate infertility.  I hate this process.  I hate this pain.  I just want my baby. However, I love my husband and my family and all the people who are praying for us.  We are so blessed.