Ugh, I may have to retract my last post. Hi…it’s me, Danielle, the infertile. I haven’t written in a while. Well, that’s not true. I have written but I have been lacking in follow through. I would like to blame my insane schedule (which, it totally is) but it’s mostly because I can’t seem to finish a thought, a post, or even a sentence lately. My mind is a tangled web of thought and emotion. The last ten posts I have started to write are all word vomit. Not worth mine or anyone else’s time.
I HATE the way I am feeling lately. Hate it. A month ago I felt like I was finally getting to place where I was happy. Reference previous post if you don’t know what I am talking about. I hope think I feel the same way as I did then. Today, I am not so sure. My heart is once again tortured at the thought that we might not get pregnant this year, or the next, or ever. I am sad today. I think I feel this way now because I can feel our looming IVF creeping up on us again. In just one month we meet with our new RE…
We are not going back to the U of U. I’m kind of sad, kind of excited. We are going to a clinic in Sandy, Reproductive Care Center. The REs at the U did their jobs. Looking back, I do feel like the ball was dropped in a few areas of my cycle but that is not the reason why we are not going back. Simply RCC offers an incentive program, the U does not. At RCC, we will pay a little more (like $3000) and if our first cycle is not successful, we get do another one for no additional cost. If it is successful (heaven help me, please), then we are done. I like knowing that the extra cost will go towards another couple’s cycle. Basically, it’s insurance. I have heard wonderful testimonials about RCC and few people I know have had great success there.
The incentive program is the only way I can stomach thinking about doing this again. I’m starting to get nauseous teary thinking about it. Honestly, I do not want to do it again. I don’t. And honestly, I have been praying for a miracle. We have been “actively trying” again and it’s a weird place. A place that seems so far away, so long ago. I guess it would explain all the emotions I have had lately. I keep feeling disappointed even though I know our chances of conceiving naturally are less than 0.1% (so they tell us). It’s probably because I literally get on my knees and beg, everyday. I want a miracle. I know miracles happen because I’ve seen them.
I’m just so scared. It’s hard to willingly put yourself in danger. Knowing that your world could be shattered…again. Why do we do this? No explanation needed, I know. Michael surprised me today by saying he feels really optimistic about this cycle. I was shocked considering a week ago he felt worse than I do now. I wish I felt the same. Some days I do, I guess. We are both terrified of the financial end of this rotten deal. Last time we were fortunate enough to have the money. This time, not so much. I hate money. A necessary evil. We are both scared of taking out a $15,000 loan and making monthly payments that could be a potential reminder of constant disappointment, sadness, and empty arms. The only thing that fifteen grand bought us last time was a broken heart.
However, despite all of these feelings, we move on…we move forward. As much as I don’t want to do it, of course, we will anyway. I think I am turning into a masochist. Heaven help me, please.
