Just Haven't Met You Yet...

I was in the car yesterday and randomly turned on the radio, which is a rare thing.  Michael Buble's, Just Haven't Met You Yet, came on.  I've heard this song a few hundred times but for some reason, I was really intent on listening to the lyrics.  I started to cry as I applied the meaning to my life.  Here's why, give it a listen...

Continue in Patience...

So...I'm kind of obsessed with this talk Continue in Patience, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  It is the whole talk that is in the video I posted in the previous post.  I read it, or bits of it every night.  It is so applicable to my life right now and gives me strength and hope.  There is something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later.....Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

I know I will have children.  I'm working on being okay with it not being on my time.  If you have a minute, read it.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.

Thank You

Dear Danielle,

               

                I don’t even know where to start this letter, but it seems like the most important thing I have to say is that I love you. 

                I decided to write this letter because I want to publicly tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. 

Right now (Monday morning), we haven’t even told anyone that it didn’t work yet, but this is easily the worst day of my life so far, and I know it’s the same for you.  I wish more than anything I could have stopped you from having to experiencing it.  At the same time, selfishly, I’m glad that I’m sharing it with you.  I couldn’t survive this without you.  I will never forget the pain that we have gone through together this past year, but I will especially never forget the pain of this morning.  As we lay in bed and cried together for hours, I realized that I loved you more today than I have ever loved you before.  It made me think about all the people who say that you love your child more than you even thought you were capable of.  I’m sure that’s true, but today I felt a new kind of love too.  I often think about what our Urologist/Counselor said around a year ago about how this process will affect us.  I know you remember what he said too.  He said that this has the potential to make us so much stronger as a couple, but it also has the power to destroy us.  He cautioned us to be loving and caring of each other first, before any other emotion.  I wasn’t afraid for our relationship that day and I haven’t been afraid for it any day since then.  As sad as things have been, I only feel more and more in love with you each time we get bad news.

I am so proud of you.  Throughout this whole process, you have continually surprised me with your knowledge, love, and understanding.  You have never once made me feel guilty for the situation we are in; in fact you have done just the opposite.  I remember you telling me that as bad as our situation feels, you have never wished for it to be different.  You have supported me every step of the way.  You are the best person I know.  I know that sounds like I’m generalizing or being dramatic, but you truly are. 

This morning when we found out that we didn’t get pregnant, my first feeling was that I needed to protect you.  Your hands were shaking and I know you could barely breathe.  For a few moments, all I could think about was the pain that you were feeling.  I only remember the feelings of being protective of you.  I wanted to stop whatever it was that was causing this pain.  I felt like that little test in your shaking hands was injuring you in such a deep way.  But then I started feeling like it was me that was the source of all the pain.  The sadness and disappointment of not being pregnant didn’t really set in for a few more minutes.  I felt like I disappointed you, but I know you would get mad at me for saying that.  I know this isn’t fair, but I feel like it is especially unfair to you.  I can’t begin to explain how sorry I am that this didn’t work.  Even though I have said it a million times, I don’t ever think I can say it enough, I love you.

Also, I want to say thank you for writing this amazing record of our journey this year.  I truly believe that this blog has touched hundreds of people’s lives.  I know it hasn’t always been easy to keep up on it but you have done an incredible job. I now know that there are several people out there who are going through the same kinds of situations and experiencing the same feelings that we are because of this blog.  It is amazing to me to hear of all the prayers, love, and hope that people have for us.  I know you have also brought our life and what we are dealing with into so many other people’s lives.  I know you have also educated so many people about infertility in general, which is a very good thing.

I’m sorry, Copper, that we are right here instead of the position we wish we were in, but thank you for being here with me.  I love you with all my heart, and I will continue to love you.

Michael

To Everyone Else,

I can’t even begin to thank everyone for all of the thoughts, prayers, tears, and emotions spent in our behalf by all the people who surround us.  I am so grateful for everyone’s support all year long.  I know I will not do this justice, but I would feel so ungrateful if I didn’t try.

First of all, thank you to everyone for reading this blog.  It has not only been therapeutic for us to be able to share our feelings, but it has also been a very fun way to communicate and become friends with other people in our situation.  Many people from far away have even started following what Danielle has to say, which is pretty neat for us.  I think people have appreciated the blog and we appreciate you reading it.

Both Danielle and I have very close friends from our work and school who have been so supportive and understanding of us and our situation right now.  We feel like it is unfair to just call you our work or school friends, because you are some of the closest friends we have.  Thanks for loving us (and covering for us as we missed so much work these past few weeks.)

                 We received so many text messages, phone messages, Facebook messages, flowers sent to our house, and much more from our family, friends and neighbors.  We do appreciate all of the kindness and love you have given us.

I feel like I even need to thank the Dr.s and nurses who have helped us every step of the way.  They did their job, but they did it perfectly with an amazing amount of individual care and compassion.  Our Dr. has even called us at home several times to make sure we are doing okay.  Thank you for being great.

We have amazing friends.  We have friends who are so close they feel like family and family so close that they feel more like great friends (I hope that makes sense).  Thank you so much.

Van and Michelle, Mom and Dad…all of our family, we love you.  Thank you for always being there for us and for everything else…and then some.

-Michael Hall

Negative...

Forgive me if this is all over the place.  I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down.  How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time?  I feel angry.  At who?  I don't know but I want someone or something to blame.  I'm definitely in denial.  I don't believe it yet.  I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work.  I do not accept it.  I keep searching for a way to make it right.  This was supposed to work, it had to work.  There was not a reason why it should not have.  I feel lost.  So, so lost.  This was our life for an entire year.  We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated.  We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement.  We saved up our money to have a baby.  I'm lost because I don't where to go from here.  What is next?  There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out.  I had plans, I was prepared for what was next.  I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news.  I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward.  I don't know where to go or what to do?  Somebody help me.  I feel like fool.  I feel foolish and like I've been tricked.  I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work.  That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless.  I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't.  I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic.  Should I not have been?  We were told we had no reason not be optimistic.  This was perfect.  Our embryos were perfect.  I'm healthy.  Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs.  Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary.  Why?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  What?  Have I not suffered enough?  I pleaded with God not to let this happen.  I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear.  They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.  Right now, I don't believe that.  I don't feel like I will survive this.  I feel like my body let me down.  I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens.  So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work.  I'm numb.  I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up.  I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out.  I'm not ready to deal with the real pain.  I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me.  Oh, Michael.  I wish I could take it all away from him.  I know he still feels responsible for all this.  He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me.  My heart has never hurt so bad.  Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew.  I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true.  I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment.  I didn't want him to feel responsible.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to say  sorry.  He does not.  Neither of us did but we both kept saying it.  I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning.  I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test.  Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight.  I couldn't look at it.  I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes.  Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone.  I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line.  I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no.  This cannot be happening!  This is not real.  It's just another dream.  A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week.  Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too.  Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins.  Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again.  I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative.  Not a hint of line.  We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test.  The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did.  Lots of people do.  We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out.  If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing.  Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other.  No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news.  I'm glad I am with him today.  I can't even be out of the same room as him right now.  I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked.  I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate.  I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different.  That almost never happens.  Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all.  I know in my heart I am not one of those people.  The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine.  I hate this.  I feel ill.  Deep down I feel like I knew this.  It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason.  I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown.  I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around.  I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart.  We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for.  I never did.  I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer.  I knew what it meant.  I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative?  I want to go back there.  I want to go back to having that hope again.  It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth.  I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved.  It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line.  We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix.  This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative.  This is devastation defined.  How can a heart so broken still be beating?  The human body really is amazing.  I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now.  Where do we go from here? I don't know.  On vacation?  Do we try again now?  Do we try again at all?  Do we learn to live childless?  I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle.  How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again?  This was supposed to be perfect.  My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby).  I feel like I lost a life.  Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents.  We were ready, we are ready.  I don't know what this life is.  This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us.  I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to.  I guess I could go on and on.  I'm feeling too much.  Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless.  I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is.  I'm broken and I need to be fixed.  Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant.  It would not be what I was expecting to hear.  Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's now 2pm.  We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process.  They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate.  They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative.  I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer.  We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news.  No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say.  All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us.  I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.

One Word...

...Negative.  How can a heart this broken still be beating?

Still Just Waiting...

If I ever had doubts about being so public and forthcoming with our infertility, they have been put to rest these past few days.  I am overwhelmed by the prayers and support of family, friends, acquaintances, and honestly, people I barely know or don't know at all.  When I was on bed rest, I felt great.  I was glowing.  I woke-up every morning hopeful and full of the knowledge that I was a little "pregnant".  Since getting back to life and my routine, something has changed.  I am trying so hard to stay positive and stay faithful but honestly, I'm terrified right now.  I hate that I wake-up every morning with the thought that it might be all over.  I cry several times a day, maybe for a good reason, maybe not.  One minute I know I'm pregnant, the next, I'm asking myself why this didn't work.  And, the only thing that keeps me going is Michael and the fact the so many people, near and far, are rooting for us.  I have been moved to tears (not hard to do right now) with the outpouring of prayers, encouragement, and support that we have received.  Some of my favorites...I hope they don't mind me sharing:


Dear Danielle
Just a quick not to let you know how much I have been praying for you the last few months. I woke up early this morning and began my fast and began to pray - as I was praying, I was overcome with the thought that not only was I praying for you and Michael, I was actually praying for a little life. That was huge....and brings it tears to my eyes. Please know how much I am touched by your faith and your determination. I have watched you grow up into this intelligent, beautiful and precious young woman. I know there are beautiful blessings in store for you and I count it an honor to be praying for you, Michael & YOUR little one.

Much love

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A list of my wishes

1.) My wish, for her, is comfort and peace. She is so brave. Far braver that I could ever be. She has faced something so difficult. Selfishly, I don't think I could have done it... and yet, she did it... does it selflessly. I cannot give her assurance. I wish, though, for her to find comfort and for her to find peace, somewhere, in this scary time of "What If".

2.) My wish, for him, is to know. To know how much I love him. To know how much I value his friendship. To know that shooting zombies is one of the best memories I have. To know that my life is a better place with him in it. To know that I admire him for the husband he is and the father he will be. To know that my heart breaks every time his does. To know that he is one of the greatest men I know... and one of the best frieds I have.

3.) My wish, for them, is happiness. They have earned it. They deserve it. And, I want it for them so bad. If I could do anything to help I would. I hope they know that.

~In the book that is my memory, on the page that begins the chapter of the day I met you [both], appear the words 'Here begins a new life.'

xoxoxox ~ I love you both!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love it when people tell me this is going to work.  I know they don't really know it will but I believe them with all my heart and that is all I have right now.  It fuels my good moments.  Right now, I believe this will work.  I am too scared to take any more pregnancy tests (I took a couple to see if the trigger was out of my system...it is).  I have seen far too many single lines in the last couple years to want to even go near them again.  


I have faith in my Heavenly Father (whom I speak with many times a day) that he will bless us.  We have become so close and I know he hears my prayers.  I have promised to take good care of the child He sends us, His child.  I ache for the opportunity.  For now, I'm still waiting.