OMG!!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted but OMG!...Guess what?  I am graduating in 2 days!  2 days!! I am 10 hours away from taking my last final in nursing school...ever!!  I can't believe it's finally here. I have been looking at this date on my calendar for two years, especially the last six months though.  I really thought this day would never come.  Michael told me when he was on his mission, he got to a point where he literally accepted the fact that he would be a missionary forever and that he would never be coming home. That is exactly how I have felt these past 8 months.  I have felt like I will be a student forever and that started being okay.  But it's here! It's here!  

I have to say that I have never been more proud of myself and the 38 people who I will be graduating with on Friday.  This has been quite the journey.  I cannot explain how I am feeling right now.  I am a little anxious about the whole thing actually.  I should be studying but I have spent the last two hours cleaning my house and went on a 45 minute run.  I haven't run in ages!  Yeah, I am a little anxious at the moment.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  It will literally be the last time me and my classmates will all be together and that is a sad thought. I have made so many great friends over the past two years.  I could have never done this without their support and friendship.  I definitely could not have done this without Michael.  My sweet husband.  What a guy!  He has done the laundry for two years, kept the house clean and straight and put up with my freak-out sessions related to test anxiety.  He jokes, "I know the last two years have been hard on you but it's been hard on me too".  I cannot wait to spend more time with him and get to know him in a different phase of our marriage.  We have only known each other as students.  One or the both of us has always been going to school since we have been together.  It will be an adjustment but a welcomed one.  I have to make it a goal to do the laundry better than he does.  He is really better at it than I am.

On a side note, I have been asked to speak at graduation. Yeah, I don't know why either.  My classmates nominated me and I feel very honored.  Thankfully, while trying to do anything but study, I was able to finish my speech so I am far less anxious about it than I was a week ago. It's going to be epic! Ha!

Next step will be trying to find a job (I don't even want to talk about that right now) and finding things to fill my time like:

• My new calling:  I just got called to be the 2nd counselor in the Primary presidency.  I am very nervous but excited about this.  I love my presidency and I love kids so it will be great once I figure out what I am doing.
• Reading for fun: Any suggestions on what's good?
• Cleaning my house:  I need to deep clean my house really bad.  I have two years of notes and a mountain of books in my office that needs to be burned organized
• Exercise: I went running tonight and I'm going to do it 'til I love it.  I don't love it yet but it felt good to run off some stress.  I also haven't mentioned that I have lost 25lbs since May.  No wheat, no sugar, no starch, no fun but I am used to it.  I am pretty sure I have gluten sensitivity :(. Boo.
• Loving my hubby:  Oh my gosh, I can't wait to spend real time with Michael.  We are definitely going to have some fun this year.  
• Just say Yes!:  I am so tired of saying the word "no".  I am very proud of myself in the restraint I have shown by saying no to things I really wanted to say yes to.  I have missed so many family functions, time with friends, vacations, dinners, and fun because studying always came first.  Not anymore (until I go back to school...in January!)

Thank you to everyone who supported me and cheered me on and listened to my whining these past 24 months. I couldn't have done it without you.  Congratulations to SLCC Nursing Class of 2011! We did it!

Best clinical group ever!! Kristy, Heather, Stefanie, Me, Jared, Marie, Brandi, Leah, Cori, Melissa, and our instructor Julie!

Class of 2011 (I'm on the left)

Tag...

I've been tagged

My husband...

What is his name? Michael
How long have you been together? We re-met in January 2006
How long did you date? We got engaged April 3rd and married in November 3rd 2006:)
How old is he? 32!!! I always have to think about this one...
Who eats more? Probably me.  He is a snacker though.  I definitely eat faster!
Who said I love you first? ME!!!
Who is taller? him
Who sings better? I'm always singing but Michael has great voice, too!
Who is smarter? He always says I'm the smartest girl he knows but I think he's smarter than me.  He can figure things out that I never could. :)
Whose temper is worse? Mine. Hands down.
Who does the laundry? Especially in the last 2 years...him.  I have maybe done 4 loads over the past 24 months.  He's a keeper!
Who does the dishes? Usually me but there are times when he gets so sick of looking at them he will do them every now and then.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does but I sleep pretty dang close to him so kind both!
Who pays the bills? He does. The system he has is so smart but so complex that if he died, I would be in big trouble.  He can do a mean spreadsheet!
Who mows the lawn? HIM! I tried once to surprise him and he thought it was "cute" but told me I didn't have to do it again.
Who cooks dinner? Every once in a blue moon, me. Dinner in our house is a sad situation which I determine to turn around in 38 days!
Who drives when you are together? He does.
Who is more stubborn? Probably me.
Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? He is.
Whose parents do you see the most? His. They are a little closer than mine!

Who kissed who first? I'm going to say he kissed me but I think we both were going in for the kill!

Who asked who out? he asked me out, technically. His words were "do you not want to go home but not stay here?" (we were at his parents house) :)

Who proposed? he did
Who is more sensitive? He is, I think.
Who has more friends? If I had to choose, I would say he does.
Who has more siblings? We have the same, 3.
Who wears the pants in the family? We are on the same team so I would say we both fit into Jared of Subway's old pants together!

*I'm not sure I like how some this played out.  Baby, I promise, in 38 days I will do more laundry, cook us dinner's and try not to have such a temper.  Love you, babe!

Cyst...

Yay!  The cyst on my fallopian tube is no big deal.  He even said I have the "perfect baby hosting uterus".  Thanks, that makes me feel good but I had the "perfect uterus" last time too.  It's such a different vibe going into IVF #2.  I try to get excited and I am but I find myself with a million reservations.  I have talked to a few IVF veterans and they say it's normal to not be the bright-eyed, naive, optimist that I was during our first cycle.  I guess it's just a natural defense mechanism to be guarded.  I don't find myself talking about it as often or blogging about it or telling the whole world.  I actually feel silly talking about it.  Last time, I couldn't shut-up about how I was so sure it was going to work.  I can't say that this time and I am definitely not sure it will work.  I know very well, first hand, that it could fail even under the best of conditions. I don't want to get hurt again.  However, we are both "cautiously optimistic".  We go back in two weeks to get our calendar, order meds, and pay.  I love the hope that has flooded back into our life.  If we didn't do this because we were too scared, it definitely wouldn't work, huh?  We've got to try.

New RE #3...

Yes, another new doctor.  I don't really know what lead up to the switch exactly but I know it's a good one.  Every since our consult with Dr. Heiner, Michael had been feeling a little uneasy about everything.  He expressed that he wasn't sure about him or the clinic but didn't really know why.  I brushed him off knowing that, especially in these types of situations, if there is a flaw he will find it.  It's like buying a new house...when you are looking, you try to picture yourself living there.  Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't.  We just couldn't picture us doing our IVF there.  I chalked it up to being a weird appointment since it was so rushed because they were late and we had to get to the airport and we had just found out, in the waiting room, that Michael's grandpa had died.  DISCLAIMER*We love Dr. Heiner!  Our switch had nothing to him exactly, it was just one of those gnawing feelings that something wasn't right*

One Saturday afternoon recently I had a melt down about our finances.  It is starting to sink in that we have to pay so much money...again...for something that may be devastating...again.  We don't have the money like we did last time.  We have a little but the thought of being in debt again, after we work so hard to stay OUT, sickens me.  We were going to be paying $24,000 with RCC this time and I just wanted puke everytime I thought about it.  After the meltdown and the realization that this is what it is, I started reading some blogs.  I came across a post about an RE in Utah County that we were familiar with.   Michael had really liked him when we met him at the Utah Infertility Awareness Event in April but we already had our plans with Dr. Heiner.  I looked up the clinic, Utah Fertility Center, and showed it to Michael and we both instantly felt peace.  This is who is supposed to do it.  I made an appointment for a consultation and we had it on Thursday.  Dr. Foulk is very accomplished and we loved everything he said.  He is very passionate and confindent about what he does and he is confident that he will be able to help us achieve our end goal...a baby.

He took me right back for a baseline ultrasound and he found a teeny, tiny fibroid (he says no big deal) and a very LARGE cyst on my left tube.  He said he thinks it's the kind of cyst that does not interfere with IVF but it inhibits natural fertility because it is blocking off my tube.  It could be a type of cyst (hydrosalpinx?) that does affect IVF because it leaks fluid that kills embryos!  My tubes were never checked in my previous cycle.  He said he is almost 100% positive it's not that kind of cyst but if it was, I would have to remove my tube!  I freaked out of course because I tend do freak out about things that haven't happened yet.  I go in for another ultrasound on Thursday and we will know for sure.

Oh, another plus...it's only going to cost us around $15,000 (ha...only).  That includes two fresh cycles and two frozen cycles which means we have up to four tries to get it right!  We are very excited about that.  I was given birth control already and will get my calendar at the end of the month.  Things are moving now and it's exciting. 

I haven't been able to think about it too much which is probably good.  School is kicking my butt and it consumes my every thought.  I am also on the graduation commitee which is a blast and between that and studying and trying to see my husband every once and while...I'm spent.  Just 51 more days until it's over but who's counting?

Oh Yeah...

...I forgot to tell you...we're adopting!  Okay, beginning the process at least.  A couple of months ago we had a rather difficult, heart wrenching albeit AMAZING experience.  We had just received the news of another disappointing sperm analysis.  It was very disappointing because there was some miscommunication and we were told that Michael had "0" sperm".  We thought this for about three days until we called to get a clarification.  He has plenty of sperm left, don't worry.  However, during the three days we thought that our dreams of having any children of our own were over, something amazing/awful happened.

To try to protect feelings, I will keep this short.  The day after we received the results I was reading an article in the Ensign about adoption and being LDS and infertile.  My mom suggested I read it and I ran around looking for copy since our subscription had lapsed.  I was on my bed reading the article, feeling hurt, devastated and angry.  The article was nothing I hadn't read or heard before and I was honestly just feeling bitter.  I didn't want adoption to be my only option.  We always said that if we adopted, we hoped that it would be our decision and not a decision made for us.  Some people choose adoption over treatment right away, it just has not been that easy for us.  As I was reading the article, I got a text message from a friend asking me if I have ever considered adoption.  I gave a simple answer of  "yes".  She asked to come over and talk.  Long story short, she was pregnant and wanted us to adopt the baby.  At that very moment, my heart was softened.  I immediately loved this baby and knew that I could love it like my own which shamefully, has been my biggest resistance towards adoption, not knowing if I could love another's like my own.  I know other adoptive parents do it so well, I just didn't know if I could.  I do now.

Sparing a week's worth of details and speculation, it didn't work out but for a short while, we thought we were going to be parents this year and the love I felt for that baby...there are no words.  The whole situation was devastating and amazing at the same time.  My heart is bursting at the possibility of adopting.  I can't wait!  After this experience,  we called LDS Family Services and got more information on how to start the process.  We have already had our orientation, which is the first step and are trying to get the word out that we are looking to adopt so officially...

WE ARE ADOPTING!  IF ANY OF MY FIVE READERS KNOW OF ANYONE CONSIDERING PLACING FOR ADOPTION, PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND.

Our orientation went well but after, we decided to hold-off with continuing our paperwork.  At LDSFS, if you are to become pregnant while waiting, you are put on a hold until your baby is 12 months old.  I love this because I think it's very fair.  You have to pay a deposit to continue paperwork and we decided it made more financial sense to wait to see what the outcome of our IVF cycle is (since it is very close).  If it works, we would have $1000 sitting and doing no work for almost 2 years.  We are hoping to get the word out ourselves in the meantime.  I wanted to write this post for so long.  I wanted to wait until I had an adoption blog all pretty and nice but I have no idea when I will get that done before August.  Does anyone want to do it for me?  Ha!  I shouldn't even be writing this right now, I should be studying ventilators.

In closing,  I have not done my feelings justice regarding adoption with this post.  I can't articulate at the moment how grateful I am for it and how so badly I hope that this is what my Father in heaven has in store for us.  I love my friend who, in a very difficult situation, turned my heart.  I still love you.

Overdue...

I'm going to try to write a very long overdue update on the baby thing, infertility, the elephant in our life.  To sum up, we've been good.  I have been very distracted with school which has been sort of therapeutic for me.  I still have "one of those days" every now and then but generally, we are good.  Sometimes it's hard for me to admit or say in the exact words that I'm grateful that I don't have the extra stress of newborn.  I just realized that if our IVF worked last time, I would be 2 days away from my due date.  I am grateful.  I really don't know what we were thinking?  I know I would have risen to the occasion but we were so blinded by what we wanted, we kind of disregarded what would be best for us and the baby.  I have thought a lot about it and it wouldn't have been any fun at all.  I want to be able to stay home and snuggle my baby as much as I want, not worry about who will be watching my newborn while I go take a test, go to 12 hour clinicals, and trying to fit in hours of studying time.

It's nice to finally say we are officially back on the IVF train.  We met with our new RE, Dr. Heiner 2 weeks ago and really loved what he said.  I was pleased with the things he wanted to change from my last cycle and just grateful that he wanted to change anything at all.  Our last RE said she wouldn't do anything differently and I was really not comfortable with that.  How can you do the same thing and expect a different result?   Dr. Heiner was not thrilled with when we want to do the cycle.  We are tentatively scheduled for the first week in August, the week of finals and graduation.  I know that sounds crazy but hear me out.  That week would be the week of the egg retrieval.  I would have daily ultrasounds in the morning and then the retrieval at the end of the week.  My transfer would be the following week, no tests, no studying, not even working (I plan to take some time off after graduation to do absolutely nothing).  Following the transfer, I will be in bed for a few days and then we are going to Oregon with some friends to relax, de-stress, and try not to think about whether or not we are pregnant.  We can't change the vacation and I can't do it after in hopes that I will have a job that I will not be able to take time off from for 12 weeks.

Dr. Heiner asked if I get stressed during finals and yes I do.  But, that week is not the week I need to worry  about my stress level.  It is the following week where I need to be as calm as possible and I will definitely be able to do that.  I know stress is never an ideal thing in any situation but, really?  Stress does not impact the outcome of IVF cycle! If it did, no one would get pregnant from it.  Those 2 weeks of waiting to find out if I was pregnant or not were the most stressful 2 weeks of entire life!  I'm not kidding. I can't think of any time, even in the last 2 years, where I was more emotionally and mentally unstable.  Michael was about to medicate me...for real.  I'm looking for some validation that I am not crazy or making the same mistake we did last time.  I feel very strongly that I did not get pregnant last time because it was not the right time for us to have child.  I also feel very confident that we will have a child of our own someday and I hope that time is very soon.  I have been going back and forth the last couple of weeks and I feel like no matter when we do it, the time is right.  

I will start meds at the end of June and we are really excited about it.  Nervous, but excited.

I'm Still Alive...

Hello, it's me.  I can't quite put my finger on why it's been so long since I posted but alas, it's been forever!  I might have something to do with the fact that last semester just about killed me.  It was horrible!  We had a test every week, sometimes two tests.  We called it "two-test-Tuesday's".  I had an official mental breakdown for 48 hours the first "two-test-Tuesday".  I was so beside myself.  I didn't know how  I was supposed to work 3 shifts, go to clinical and memorize 54 medications for my test, plus study for another one.  Free time was not in the cards. I spent most of my days in the library, gained 6 lbs, and was on the brink on just completely giving up.  Sometimes, people compare my school experience to their college experience.  No offense, this is not your average Poly Sci degree.  It's intense.  I think some people in my life think I use "I have to study" as an excuse to avoid things I don't really want to do.  The amount of study time in never sufficient.  I really am studying...or doing my best to try.  I get very anxious when I fit in sleep recreational time.  I feel like I should be studying.  I don't really know how to describe it.  It's survival of the fittest. We lost two people from our class last semester and was near losing a few more.  I can't imagine anything worse after coming this far and being to close to it all being over.

We are three days into our very last semester!  Yay!  But, I think they are really trying to kill us this semester.  We have so much to do, no one knows where to begin.  I had 8 hours of lecture on Wednesday, work Thursday, 8 hour lab on Friday, 8 hour clinical on Monday, first test is on Tuesday, and fitting studying for said test and other incredibly boring busy work anywhere I can.

However, it will all be over in 74 days!  10 weeks!  D.O.N.E!  It's been almost two years since I was in a little town in England and found out I got accepted to this program.  I can't believe how fast the last two years have flown by.  Everyone said it would and I believed them but I know idea it would go this fast!

August 5th is graduation...74 days...pray for me!