Akayla Zoe and Curtis Bryce...

I got a call Monday night from a friend from our old ward and neighborhood letting me know that a dear family, mother, and friend in our old ward, tragically lost their sweet baby girl when she accidentally ran over her with the family van.  I was able to attend the precious funeral today to say goodbye to sweet, Akayla.  This family is the nicest, most charitable, sweet family and they need help with expenses for the funeral.  I'm soliciting.  There is a button on the left that will direct you to their family blog where you can make donations and on at the bottom of this post are links to the story and also places where you can make donations.  The following is an email from the friend that told me about the tragedy:

Dear Friends and Family,
 
This past week has been full of emotion as we experienced a tragic accident in our neighborhood.
On Tuesday night, one of our sweet moms went out to move her van and didn't know her 2 year old had followed her out the door.  Any parent's worst nightmare followed as this sweet girl was hit and killed by her mom.

We have all been in shock and have looked for various ways to help this family.  We have lived here for 7 1/2 years and have known this family that long.  They are sweet and dear and the kindest people you will ever meet.

Last summer, Angie stopped by my house with dinner - "because she was thinking of me..."  She had no idea I was having possibly one of the worst weeks of my life.  But that is just the way she is.  They have 4 other children - ages 10 - 4 and are expecting their 6th later this year.  In the midst of her busy life, she unknowingly took care of me when I really needed someone.

As a neighborhood we have come together to clean their house, do some minor repairs and otherwise get their home ready for the family's return today.  The simple fact of the matter is that this family does not have a lot of "extra" financially.  The cost of the funeral and replacing a van that they can't bear to look at anymore is going to be very difficult for them.  As we cleaned their home, we found a jar with a "vacation fund" label and it had maybe an inch or two of coins in it.  
 
Every year we donate a few bucks to the MS Bike Ride, the Cancer Society, our college Alumni Association, Scouting, etc...  While each is a great cause, our money goes into a fund and we never get to see how we impact an individual or family.  I am asking you to consider donating to a family that really needs help and who will be impacted by any size donation.  It will all be appreciated and will help.  It will also make you feel good to know you are helping a family in need.
 
I have attached a website that has been set up to accept donations or you can donate at any Wells Fargo branch for Akayla Ferguson.
 
Hug your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews and friends.  Life is too short and can change at any time.
 
http://akaylasfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=14055644 
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=akayla-ferguson&pid=147981970&fhid=11609&eid=sp_ommatch

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While I'm soliciting...Michael's cousin, Curtis (Bryce) Howard, was diagnosed with colon cancer in December.  It was reported today that it is now stage 4.  He is 31 years old.  His wife, Shannon, and his family are hosting a benefit dinner that will help pay for the costs of his medical care.  It sounds like it will be a lot of fun!  Below is a link to his blog and information about the fundraiser dinner.  The tickets are $10 and there will be lots of great raffle prizes and a silent auction.  Everyone is welcome and encouraged to come:

Curtis Bryce Howard Cancer Fund

Benefit Dinner/Silent Auction and Raffle

When

February 5, 2011

5pm-8pm

Where

West Valley Family Fitness Center (Upstairs Room)

5415 West 3100 South, West Valley, UT 84120

Here is LINK to Shannon's blog to make donations and HERE is the Facebook page for  more detailed information about the benefit. 

 If nothing else, please keep Akayla's and Curtis' families in your prayers.

Curtis and Shannon Howard

I'm back...

I know I have been MIA for the last month or so.  Here are some reasons why...


1.  Christmas break!  A peaceful, ahhhh....Four, blissful weeks of doing nothing that has to do with reading texts books, feeling guilty for not going to class, and freaking out because we have another test...tomorrow...that I just started to study for!  I loved it and it was the very thing I need to grow back my motivation for another semester.  Another semester down, two to go!  What a crazy semester it was.  It started really weird with receiving our news about out IVF and I have not been able to recover.  I never got organized. I never really had binders for my classes.  On finals week, I couldn't even begin to think where all my notes were.  I'm pretty sure I didn't even print out some of the last bit of notes.  Heck, in all honesty, I couldn't bring myself to attend class this last month (or two...oops!).  How the heck did I pull it off?  I don't know.  I would like to think that I am just a genius but in all honesty, I think I was pretty blessed through the whole semester.  I should never have passed those first few tests and I ended up acing them.


The new semester is in full swing and I have a lot on my plate.  I'm sure I say that every semester but really, I mean it this time.  It's seriously going to be a heck of a ride getting to graduation.  200 days left!!  Less than 7 months!!  These past few weeks, I have been feeling that same itch to blog again that I felt when I began this blog almost a year ago.  Again, not a convenient time but my brain is starting to spill over with what I have to say.

2.  We went to Disneyland!  It was our first vacation together in over a year.  We didn't go anywhere together last year.  Michael went to Lake Powell and I was able to go to New York to visit some friends but otherwise, no vacations due to our impending IVF.  When we got married, we made a pact that we would get away every year, just the two of us, no matter what.  It didn't happen last year but it will not be happening again this year, I assure you.

3.  The biggest reason.  This blog obviously represents one main theme.   I have, in the past months, tried to take a break from everything IVF and infertility. My mom gave some really great advice after our IVF failed and that was to not think, talk, or worry about what happens next until the new year.  Easier said than done.  Of course I would think about it.  I think it about several times a day.  I decided it was really good advice though and that I would do my best not let this one thing consume my life for three or four months. 

I can't believe how well it worked and how therapeutic it was for me.  Honestly, Michael and I talked about it very, very minimally.  I'm sure he is grateful for that because I think it gets overwhelming for him.

I'm back now.  So where are we?  We are really not sure.  The plan, for now, is wait until graduation to attempt IVF again.  We would start the process in July.  The financial part is something of a mystery but we are pretty sure we will be financing or borrowing the money this time.  We can't do another year of penny pinching and second jobs and overtime.  It is just too stressful on both of us and taxing on our relationship.  If I let myself think about doing IVF longer than 10 seconds, I get nauseated.  I would do the physical part of IVF 100 times over. The shots, the meds, the exams, the endless doctors appointments, no big deal.  But, I never want to go through the emotional and psychological part again.  I'm sure my fellow infertiles would agree.  It's seriously a form of torture!  

For now, we are just waiting...again.  I feel like we've been here before.  But, we will do it again, no matter how I feel about it.  We have to because I believe you should never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about.

Happenings...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month.  I probably shouldn't be blogging today.  I don't want to come across like I have been wallowing for the last month...I haven't.  However, I had a rough weekend.  I'm having an even rougher day, topped off by salt being rubbed in the wound a few times.  I will leave it at that.

THANKSGIVING:

We were able to go to Colorado for Thanksgiving.  It was a blast!  We spent the whole day cooking for an army.  I got to make the mashed potatoes and I went a little overboard.  Just because one has 20 lbs of potatoes doesn't mean one needs to cook all 20 lbs.  We slept for about two hours and then headed out for some Black Friday shopping at 3am.  Seriously, we are never going Black Friday shopping in Salt Lake City again!  The people of Longmont, CO are so much more tame and fewer in numbers.  It was an enjoyable shopping experience.  People were actually saying crazy things like, "excuse me" and "sorry, you were here first, go ahead".  We spent the next few days doing more shopping and playing games.  Then, we decided at the last minute to drive home early...I mean really early...at midnight.  We were watching the weather and there was anticipation of a huge storm.  It was the best decision ever.  We missed the storm completely and got home in record time and we did a great job of staying awake.  It was almost fun!

SCHOOL:

I have been busy wrapping up the semester.  I just had my one year HESI.  It's a comprehensive test that predicts how well you will do on the NCLEX.  You have to pass and it's almost impossible to study for.  I was VERY nervous.  I had been taking practice tests and doing really poor on them.  I had myself completely convinced I was going to fail and have to retake it.  Well, I passed!  I actually ended up doing quite well.  I was thrilled! I have finals next week and then a nice month long break.  I'm sure I will enjoy the break and it's much needed but I am looking forward to just getting on with the next semester (which I just found out will be crazy).  The sooner it starts, the sooner I will be done!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas came early to the Hall home.  I was able to hold Michael off until after Halloween at least.  He wanted to put the tree up right away.  We ended putting it up on November 8th, a week after Halloween...yes, a week.  I have always been a "not until after Thanksgiving" kind of girl.  Not this year, I guess.  I'm glad we did it so early.  We have been so busy that we probably still wouldn't have it up yet if we didn't do it then.

We love Christmas!  Michael and I are kind of weird.  We wrap our presents together.  Not presents for other people, presents for each other.  Of course we don't let each other see what we are wrapping but we literally wrap right next to each other.  Yesterday, Michael made a "fort" so the room was divided by a barrier so we couldn't see what the other was wrapping.  I wish I took a picture because now that I think about it, it was probably a funny sight.  I don't know why we do it this way, I guess we just like doing everything together.  I thought about wrapping presents on my own a few times but it's just not as fun as the "fort" and what is becoming a tradition in our house.

I will try to post pictures of our trip and other happenings soon.  Here is one...

A very poor picture of our decorated room.

Four Years...

Yesterday, Michael and I, celebrated our four year anniversary.  I really can't believe it's been that long.  I remember when my sister and bro-in-law celebrated their four year and I feel like it was just last year.  They have now been married for 7 years! Wow!  Michael and I both feel like we just got married last year and we always joke about it.  He always says, "being married to you feels like an eternity".  He's kidding of course but it really does not feel like it's been four years.  It's weird because I feel like this last year was so long because of everything we were waiting for and looking forward to.  But here it is, come and gone, in the blink of an eye.  It gives me hope that these next 8 months will go by just as quick.  It just 8 months, I will graduate!  In just 8 months, I will be a nurse!  In just 8 months, we can perhaps try IVF again.  We are not sure that is our plan but we are hoping.  We have lots of options but I think we both feel like it would be best if we didn't try again until I am done with school.  Part of me wants to tear my hair out thinking it will that long but like I said, it will be here before we know it.

Michael and I both worked yesterday so we didn't even really see each other.  We are celebrating tonight with my family.  My mom and dad are in town which means sushi!! We agreed we weren't going to get each other gift but that was only because Michael was surprising me and didn't want me to spend any more money.  He bought us a bed!  We had a bed picked out for about a year but due to our circumstances, our mattress has been on the floor since we moved in (18 months ago).  Also, we had no nightstands.  When we moved in we put some Rubbermaid drawers that we had by our beds and called them nightstands.  I'm not sure we even did it on purpose.  We just had no other place to put them and we needed something to put our phones on at night so our we could hear the vibrations for our alarms in the morning.  Well, we now have nightstands, a bed and also a dresser.  It feels nice to finally have somewhat of a grown-up bedroom.  It still needs work, along with some other parts of the house.  We just have put everything off since trying to save for IVF.  We are not so much concerned with saving for that right now.  It's too exhausting to think about.

I did get Michael a DVD and a card.  I printed out a little note for him and put it in the card.  I'm going to post  it because I want to document how much I love him.  People reading this probably won't understand much of what I wrote or might think it's mean. It's not, trust me.  It's our inside jokes that I won't take the time to explain. I just love him so much.

This is a list of things I love about you that I wrote, probably a year ago, and I keep it in my phone.  Things I love about Michael…

                         

Supportive, understanding, makes me feel good about myself, cute, handsome, quirky, two socks, helpful, stupid, so smart, so handy, my hero, dependable, takes care of me like a five year old, organized, attention to detail, gray hair, curly hair, good feet, clean car, lips, butt, successful, productive, hard worker, listener, communicator, on my team, mission, sports but not too much, goofy, FUNNY, always can make me laugh, bugs me, a great dad, says what’s on your mind, graduated, ambitious, lousy liar, video games, killing zombies, likes chick flicks, bad at board games, calls me out, honest, best uncle, kind of nerdy, everybody loves him and looks to him, Christmas at 5am, natural leader, loves me and I know it, hair dryer, heater vents, knows a lot about the gospel, doesn't know he’s a good singer, loves his family, loves my family, wakes up early, teacher, teaches me things, towels, and much, much more!

I can’t wait for many more years to add to this list because I love you more everyday and I find new things to love about you every day.  You make me happy every day.  When something good happens to me, you’re the first one I want to tell.  When something bad happens, you’re first person I want to cry to.   You make me a better person and you are the reason I do the things I do.  You are all my reasons.  I morbidly try to imagine my life without you and it sucks.  I never want to know what life is without you in it.  I have never been happier or had more fun than I have these past four years.  We have certainly had our ups and our not so ups.  I won’t call them “downs” because anything with you is better, bearable, an adventure.  This past year has been the hardest one of my life but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way because I get to be with you.  I just love you so much, sometimes there are no words.  So, these words will have to suffice, I love you.

Just Haven't Met You Yet...

I was in the car yesterday and randomly turned on the radio, which is a rare thing.  Michael Buble's, Just Haven't Met You Yet, came on.  I've heard this song a few hundred times but for some reason, I was really intent on listening to the lyrics.  I started to cry as I applied the meaning to my life.  Here's why, give it a listen...

Continue in Patience...

So...I'm kind of obsessed with this talk Continue in Patience, by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  It is the whole talk that is in the video I posted in the previous post.  I read it, or bits of it every night.  It is so applicable to my life right now and gives me strength and hope.  There is something he said that hit me like a ton of bricks:

Heavenly Father has a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.....But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later.....Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

I know I will have children.  I'm working on being okay with it not being on my time.  If you have a minute, read it.

Healing...

My, my...it's been a while. I would be ungrateful if I didn't say how overwhelmed I am by all the love and support we have received over the past few weeks.  I have 'ditto' what my wonderful husband said in the previous post.  I feel truly blessed to have so many people, near and far, that care so much about us and what we have been through.  I am still trying to get around to the countless emails, texts and facebook messages we have received by people who have expressed such sincere sympathy and understanding of how difficult these last few weeks have been.  I'm not going to lie, it's been rough.  All I can say there have been lots of tears, lots of pondering, and lots of love.


I haven't posted recently because I wanted to wait until I was in a better place and the dust had settled a little.  It might be forever until that happened so here I am.  I have also had school to keep up on and I let me say how blessed I have been.  I had to take a Peds test just two days after finding out about our negative cycle and I literally studied for an hour before the test and pulled off a 94%.  Crazy.  Same thing with Psych (not my favorite class)...pulled off a 96% with very minimal studying.  I am being forced to recognize by wonderful friends that I am being carried through this time, not abandoned.  


There has been so much going on in my head these past few weeks.  So many ups and downs but our hearts are healing.  I need to hold onto the thought that keeps flooding my head that there is definitely a reason this did not work...for whatever reason, it's not the time for us to have a baby.  It doesn't make this any easier but it's comforting.  I keep asking why, why did this not work?  The question why runs through my head about a hundred times a day but it hasn't been answered.


We had our "post-IVF consult" on Friday.  We met with our doctor to discuss the failed cycle and to talk about maybe what might we do differently next time.  I was having a great day, almost looking forward to the possibility of some closure but as I pulled into the parking lot, I was flooded with emotion and started to cry.  The last time we were there, we were filled with so much hope.  The dreams of becoming parents were almost tangible and now they are gone for now.  We saw a couple sitting in their car, crying.  I just wanted to rush over and hug them.  We saw another couple, holding hands and smiling as they walked out of the clinic.  I wanted to be them...they had so much hope.  Anyway, the consult did not answer the illusive question of why but it helped to talk to about it with our doctor.  She said she would up my medication just a little and have an ultrasound guided transfer next time.  Blah, blah, blah.  I can't even think about next time right now and I can't stop myself either.  We told her it might very well be another year before we could afford to do it again and she said we were fine as my age goes.


We are eager to be happy again.  We have been doing okay and trying to get life back to normal, whatever that is.  We might need to redefine normal.  Normal, for us, has been a year of  penny pinching, second jobs, baby name discussions, what to do with our extra room.  It's funny...thinking about bringing a baby home, our house started to seem too small.  Now, it seems so big, so empty, too much space.  I have been fighting with myself to not go back to that dark place I have been before finding out about our infertility.  It's a place where I can't be happy for people when they announce they're pregnant.  A place where I am judging how deserving someone is of having a child (seriously, a mother of four who has custody of none of her children because she can't stay off drugs...not deserving).  A place where I question what have I not been doing right to not deserve a child.  Michael keeps reminding me that is not how it works.  I'm fighting it and I am doing well.  It's hard though.


Gosh, I sound like I'm manic.  I'm really not.  I'm still sad, I still shed a few tears everyday, I still am trying to understand but I am also trying to move on.  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life.  That Monday we found out was the worst day.  I never knew a heart could hurt so much.  But, we both have come so far since that day.  We laugh, we joke, we even hope a little.


A friend sent me this video and for someone who can be as impatient as I, it helps put thing into perspective.