Forgive me if this is all over the place. I just have so many thoughts right now and I need to get them down. How can one person have so many thoughts and emotions at one time? I feel angry. At who? I don't know but I want someone or something to blame. I'm definitely in denial. I don't believe it yet. I want to go back and fix whatever made this not work. I do not accept it. I keep searching for a way to make it right. This was supposed to work, it had to work. There was not a reason why it should not have. I feel lost. So, so lost. This was our life for an entire year. We saved all of our money, Michael got a crappy second job that he absolutely hated. We did not go on vacations, we did not put in a patio, we did not finish our basement. We saved up our money to have a baby. I'm lost because I don't where to go from here. What is next? There was only one path I was heading down and it's been wiped out. I had plans, I was prepared for what was next. I knew that if we got positive news, it would change our lives forever but so does this bad news. I had plans for what was going to happen this next year and dreams of what it would be afterward. I don't know where to go or what to do? Somebody help me. I feel like fool. I feel foolish and like I've been tricked. I feel stupid for being so sure this was going to work. That I would no longer have to be sad about being childless. I've been fooled into thinking this was fool-proof even though I really knew it wasn't. I feel like a fool having to tell everyone this did not work when we have been so optimistic. Should I not have been? We were told we had no reason not be optimistic. This was perfect. Our embryos were perfect. I'm healthy. Our little problem was fixed the day they fertilized the eggs. Every time we talked about it with someone, went on and on about how excited we were to finally know we are going to have a baby, we had to add obligatory, "well...if it works", not thinking it was really necessary. Why? What am I supposed to learn from this? What? Have I not suffered enough? I pleaded with God not to let this happen. I assured Him that I knew my limits and this trial would me far more than I could bear. They say God doesn't give you trials you can't handle. Right now, I don't believe that. I don't feel like I will survive this. I feel like my body let me down. I'm angry to know that we probably won't get any answers from the doctors because they don't know why this happens. So many times things "look perfect" and it just doesn't work. I'm numb. I have been awake since 4:30am (that is when I had to pee) and haven't been back to bed for fear of what it will be like when I wake-up. I'm numb now and I know what will happen when I thaw out. I'm not ready to deal with the real pain. I have been crying, holding my husband, my husband holding me. Oh, Michael. I wish I could take it all away from him. I know he still feels responsible for all this. He said he wished he knew this about him before we got married so he could have told me. My heart has never hurt so bad. Through our uncontrollable tears I told him I loved him and I would have married him, even if I knew. I said before that I wanted this more for him than for myself and I now know, that is completely true. I didn't want him to have to feel this disappointment. I didn't want him to feel responsible. I didn't want him to feel like he had to say sorry. He does not. Neither of us did but we both kept saying it. I was shaking when I peed in the cup this morning. I was shaking when I put the dropper of pee into the well of the test. Then, I immediately shoved it out of sight. I couldn't look at it. I felt sick in my stomach and went back to the bed for 3 minutes. Michael and I both went in to the bathroom to look because I couldn't do it alone. I can't say the thousand things that went through my head in that moment when there was no second line. I just thought no, no, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening! This is not real. It's just another dream. A dream, or rather nightmare, like the ones I had been having all week. Don't get me wrong, I've had good dreams too. Just last night I had a dream that the test was really positive, so positive we were having twins. Michael and I just cried, then talked, then cried again. I went back a couple of times to look at the test (within the 10 minute window) to check again, still very, very negative. Not a hint of line. We went back and forth about whether we were going to take a test. The nurses and doctors encourage the patients not to take a home pregnancy test before the blood test for fear of false negatives or false positives . We did. Lots of people do. We weren't going to do it but then decided it was important to be together when we found out. If we waited until until tomorrow, we would not be together and I feel like that was a blessing. Maybe it would have been better to wait until tomorrow, to live one more day in ignorant bliss but at least we have today to deal with the news, alone, with each other. No one will be expecting the news today so we will not be flooded with phone calls, people wanting to hear the good news. I'm glad I am with him today. I can't even be out of the same room as him right now. I don't think we are going to be the only ones who are disappointed or shocked. I know enough about pregnancy tests to know that todays results are accurate. I'm not letting myself think that maybe the blood test will be different. That almost never happens. Occasionally, there will be women who will not get a positive test until weeks or months later, or some, not at all. I know in my heart I am not one of those people. The Hcg from the trigger came out just fine in my urine. I hate this. I feel ill. Deep down I feel like I knew this. It was not just fear that it might not work, it was a deep down feeling that I knew this was going to be our reality, for whatever reason. I pushed those feeling aside, brushing them off as fear of the unknown. I could picture this not working and could imagine getting another negative test more than the other way around. I knew in my head I was pregnant but not in my heart. We went to the temple this past weekend and I wanted to stay there until I got the answer I was looking for. I never did. I did have the feeling that no matter what, it would all be okay and I absolutely hated that answer. I knew what it meant. I thought it meant that it would be positive because how could this be okay if it were negative? I want to go back there. I want to go back to having that hope again. It is far better to have hope and not know than to know to ugly truth. I have never been so broken hearted in my life. When we found out we had a problem, I was so relieved. It was awful taking pregnancy tests, month after month, always that one line. We knew we had a problem and although the fix was frightening and hard, we had a fix. This is all those months of emotion, of negative tests, jammed into one Big Fat Negative. This is devastation defined. How can a heart so broken still be beating? The human body really is amazing. I feel like this could kill me but it won't, even though I might feel like I want it to right now. Where do we go from here? I don't know. On vacation? Do we try again now? Do we try again at all? Do we learn to live childless? I feel that would be an easier solution than to even think about mustering up the hope of another cycle. How are we supposed to have any faith that it won't fail again? This was supposed to be perfect. My heart breaks every time I think about what I would be doing to in two weeks (an ultrasound), at Christmas (revealing the gender to the family), eight months (holding my baby). I feel like I lost a life. Those little beginnings of life inside of me were supposed to begin our new life, as parents. We were ready, we are ready. I don't know what this life is. This life that continues to be empty of the thing that would complete us. I feel like my life has been on pause for a year and now I don't know how to push play, or want to. I guess I could go on and on. I'm feeling too much. Right now, I hate to say, I'm faithless, hopeless. I guess we will see how resilient the human spirit really is. I'm broken and I need to be fixed. Blood test is tomorrow, September 21, and I'm grateful that I will not be blindsided tomorrow when I get the phone call that I'm not pregnant. It would not be what I was expecting to hear. Thank you for all the love, support, and prayers.
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It's now 2pm. We called the nurse to ask if we could come and get a blood test today instead of tomorrow so we could just get on with mourning process. They were really nice and told us to come up right away and they expressed how sorry they were but told us to not give up because the HPTs aren't always accurate. They were really quick about calling back to confirm that it is indeed, negative. I'm grateful for not having to wait another day to get the final, definitive answer. We have just been calling our friends and family to tell them the news. No one knows what to say, there isn't really anything to say. All just expressed their love and sympathy, most just cried with us. I'm sure we will find a way to come back from this but right now, our hearts are broken.
15 years ago
